Item equipped: Fluffy Red Onesie.
Requires an empty equipment slot (1/5).
This fluffy-wuffy, warm and cuddly, bright red onesie provides no effect.
Everything hurt. I feel like I’ve been crushed into a ball and dumped in the trash.
AIAI had regressed me back to level zero and thrown me out into the world as a baby again. Hmmm, maybe this time I actually get a family and a normal life, like everyone else… I doubt it though. AIAI had said something about ‘Spawn difficult increased’. No matter how I looked at it, that had to be a bad thing.
Still, at least I wasn’t naked this time. She gave me a onesie… I guess I won’t freeze to death if I sleep outside. I’d rather find shelter though. I guess I can’t put it off any longer. Time to open my eyes for the first time… again.
I shivered at the memory of the harsh light raking into my unprepared eyes last time I was in this situation, then resolved myself to take a peek.
My eyes opened a crack and… nothing. Oh, shit. Am I blind?
No, it was just night time.
Stat Increase: Perception +1.
You opened your eyes.
New Skill unlocked: Basic Vision (Passive).
Yeah, yeah. I remember the drill.
I glanced down at myself and in the dim starlight, saw the vague outline of a fluffy onesie wearing baby. I focused on the place where my Pocket Book should be. After a few seconds, it materialised.
Stat Increase: Perception +1.
You noticed something hidden in plain sight.
“Alright. At least I know what to do this time,” I tried to say. What I actually said was, “Abaa de nuuu tee.”
Right… gotta level up my Charisma.
I garbled in nonsensical baby while trying to perceive my surroundings. It was dark and I had shit vision, but I could see a small amount of light from the stars. That was interesting because last time, I had spawned in the woods and seen only canopy above me.
The wind picked up a little. I heard it rustle through the grass. I guess I’m in some kind of meadow. I hope there's food.
I looked for my Hunger circle and sure enough, there it was blinking down to empty.
I have to find food in the dark or I’ll starve. Whoopie!
On the one hand, my situation felt pretty dire. But on the other, this could be great news. You see, one thing I had been growing increasingly concerned about while levelling my first time around was that the Stat increases were occurring rarer and rarer. Obviously, there was a huge benefit to levelling up quickly, but at the same time, having increasingly higher condition requirements for Stat increases would have really caused me to suffer later, if I didn't secure a strong Stat foundation.
It seemed like everyone else improved gradually when born. Their stats improved at a typical rate. They slowly learned to see, walk, talk, and use skills as they aged. That was great… for them, but I didn’t have that kind of time. I needed to rescue Riffy from HER and I needed to do it quickly.
But that doesn’t mean I shouldn't try to do a little Min-Maxing as they say.
Last time I killed the melancholia spider and instantly jumped to Level One. This time, I wanted to go slow and gather all the Stats I could get while their requirements were so low. If I remembered correctly, the XP needed to reach Level One was 150. So far, I had already gained two Stat increases. That should be 20XP. It’s possible I could get another thirteen Stat increases before levelling up… I should double check that.
User: NULL Race: Human LVL: 0 Class: NULL.
XP: 20. Stats:
Perception: 2.
This is a score for your Senses, such as Sight, Smell, & Hearing. It is the primary stat for the core skill branches: Identify, Detect, & Target.
Stat Increase: Perception +1.
Your vision adapted to the darkness.
This is awesome. I'm gaining Stats like it's nothing. I wonder if the zone I'm in has something to do with it? My vision snapped into focus. It was still uncomfortably dark, but now at least I could make out some greyish silhouettes. Are those bushes or beasts?
Hunger stab. Health: 95%.
Right. It was time to get moving. Luckily, I had already learned the technique for travelling as a baby with ZERO Dexterity… roll!
Unfortunately, I wasn’t on a hill. Gravity wouldn’t be able to help me this time. Hmm, I guess I could Ram Slam towards those bushes. I opened my Pocket Book and switched to the Skills page.
Skills:
Retention is the score that reflects the number of Chosen Skills you can select from the Available Skills list. Retention Points: 0.
Passive Skills:
These Skills are permanently active.
Basic Vision (Perception).
Automatically provides Clarity Vision up to Basic Distance x Perception.
Current distance: 30 meters.
Chosen Skills:
None.
Available:
None.
I didn’t have Ram Slam. I didn’t have any Skills to choose. Are you fucking kidding me? This is…
“Bullshit!”
Stat Increase: Charisma +1.
Aww, baby's first moo.
New Skill unlocked: Basic Speech (Passive).
“At least, I can talk again,” I said. What did it mean by ‘moo’?
One of the grey shapes moved a little closer to me.
"Mooooooo!"
So those shapes… they weren’t bushes. I’m surrounded by cows. If something triggers a stampede…
Hunger stab. Health: 90%.
“Hey cows,” I said. “Any of you got any milk? If you wouldn’t mind spraying some into my mouth, that would be great. No? I didn’t think so.”
I’m going to have to learn to crawl the old-fashioned way. With hard, dumb work.
I rolled onto my stomach and tried to drag myself forward. Nothing happened.
This is exhausting…
----------
Stat Increase: Constitution +1.
You rested.
New Skill unlocked: Basic Fortitude (Passive).
New Temporary Buff unlocked: Basic Rested.
The Rested buff popped into place.
Ah, hello, Basic Rested, my old pointless friend. Welcome to a new life.
I opened my eyes. It was still dark, but I sensed that dawn was closer. I wasn’t sure how long I had napped, but my health was still above the halfway mark. Good, I still have some time.
The grey shapes were more distinct now. They were definitely cow shaped. They moved slowly through the grass around me.
I realised one of the grey shapes hadn’t moved the entire time I had been here. That’s no cow.
I wriggled and twisted until I was facing the non-cow shape. “What are you?”
It rudely ignored me.
One of the cows said, “Moo.”
I had a speed of zero. The only way I would be able to move was with the help of some external force or by increasing my Dexterity some other way.
It’s a shame I don’t have any of those Choma Choma nuts that Riffy was addicted to. They would come in handy right now.
Thinking of Riffy, I wonder what he did to get such high Dexterity? And the other squirrels for that matter. They don’t have as long as humans to gradually learn to crawl. They have to be able to be up and running to avoid predators in no time. And they aren’t alone. There are a bunch of creatures that need to be able to walk as soon as they are born. How do they do it?
I guess their race helps. I’m stuck as a stupid human. We’re supposed to be nursed for the first year or so, and even after that, it’s not like we’re cut out to defend ourselves for a long, long time.
Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.
Still, I had found a way before. I could do it again.
Hunger stab. Health: 55%.
Maybe if I bash my head into something, I can unlock Ram Slam again.
I raised my head as high as I could and let it drop.
Ouch. My health dropped a little, but otherwise nothing happened. Well, that didn’t work. It would probably be pointless anyway. I don’t have a point in Mind, so I can’t activate any Skills anyway. I need to find Reginald.
Riffy wasn’t the only one I had made a promise to. I had promised Reginald something too. And I lost his book… Damn! It was a shame I hadn’t met Reginald before HER. Then I would have known to keep my mouth shut about heretical things around untrustworthy people. This time round, I’m going to do better. I’ll lie to everyone if I have to, no matter how bad it makes me feel.
‘It is a little bad, but it’s a bad world, boy.’ Reginald’s words came flooding back to me. ‘So, listen my apprentice, I give you permission to be a little bad. You can be bad as long as you promise to make up for it by being good. Will you make that promise to your mentor?’
Stat Increase: Mind +1.
You recalled the words of the wise.
“Oh, hell yeah.”
Being level zero wasn’t so bad actually. I can take my time really getting to understand the stats and exploring this system.
Perk Discovered: Geek.
If the shoe fits…
Wow. Really? I discovered that perk again… I’m not a geek, damnit!
That perk could definitely come in handy, but what I really needed at that moment was a skill that could help me move.
Hunger stab. Health: 50%.
The first rays of dawn poked over the horizon and the world burst to life with saturated colour. The songbirds began their morning symphony and somewhere distant a mighty rooster honed his technique.
The cows continued grazing with barely a nod towards the breaking dawn. The cow's coats were a shaggy brown with white patches and from their heads poked curled horns. One of them almost stepped on me as it walked past. I reached out and felt the shaggy fur. It stunk like cow shit and wet dog.
“Huh, not cows. Some kind of Patchy Wildebeest,” I said.
New Skill unlocked: Basic Identify.
You recognised a semi-rare beast.
Perfect. I selected Basic Identify for my only Skill slot.
Name: Bur. Race: Patchy Wildebeest. Class: Warden Bull. Lvl: 2.
Mundane Creature. Herbivore. Non Violent. Sociable. Dim.
The Patchy Wildebeest are herd beasts of the Meadow Plains east of Pentamorel. This passive creature will enter a violent rage when it sees the colour red.
Good thing I’m not wearing red…
“Son of a …” I said, looking down at my red onesie. “AIAI, you devious snake.”
The sun crept higher and its light drew closer and closer to me. As soon as I was directly caught in those rays, my big red onesie was going to drive the cows mad.
Hunger stab. Health: 45%.
I gained a Stat in magic for casting my first skill. Then, I put my head down and continued trying to crawl. The grey shape that wasn’t a cow turned out to be bush… a berry bush. But no matter how much I strained to drag myself towards it, I couldn’t break through the invisible barrier of zero speed.
Damn it, damn it, damn it! Why is this so hard? What am I missing?
The shadows faded as the sunlight grew brighter. The wildebeest were going to see me any second.
Another wildebeest grazed close to me. Head down, luckily it didn’t seem to be aware of me. As soon as it looks this way, I’m done.
It took another step past me and I grabbed hold of its shaggy fur. The wildebeest didn’t seem to notice as it dragged me along. Yes! I’m moving. Not of my own speed, but I’m still moving. It’s a start. If I can just get to cover…
The wildebeest meandered through the grass without much of a direction.
Hunger stab. Health: 40%.
We weren’t moving towards the bush. Fuck.
The wildebeest passed close to another that was heading towards the bush. I reached over and pulled myself onto the other wildebeest. One good thing about being an infant great ape was that I had a fantastic grip. That’s evolution, baby. Thanks, Darwin.
I swapped mounts a few more times and eventually got close enough to the bush to fall into it.
My health was at 15% and the red of my onesie was definitely visible. Even huddled within the twigs and leaves of a bush, I could still be noticed at any second. But it was surely better than being out in the open.
One of the wildebeest sniffed at the bush, its head mere inches away from me. I held perfectly still. Not even daring to breath as it swayed back and forth, its horns within the perfect gouging distance from my defenceless baby face.
Stat Increase: Dexterity +1.
You avoided detection.
Of course, stealth! Dexterity wasn’t just levelled through speed. I could level it by hiding. Damn it. Why didn’t I think of that sooner.
Hunger stab. Health 10%.
I already knew what I was going to have to do. I just didn’t want to do it. There were blue berries on this tree. I was going to need to eat them. The question was, what were they going to do to me. It was clearly obvious that the wildebeest weren’t eating them. That wasn’t a good sign. Since the berries didn't make sound, the only way to identify them was to see, touch, sniff, and taste them. That is, until I unlock Basic Detect.
Hunger stab. Health 5%.
Oh well, I don’t really have a choice.
I dropped a berry onto my tongue and swallowed. It tasted like rubbing alcohol and ladies perfume.
New Permanent Buff unlocked: Berry Berry Hunted.
Buff: Berry Berry Hunted.
Efficiency: Max Duration: Permanent.
You are now hunted by the Berry Berry King. He will never stop hunting you until one of you is dead.
“Great,” I said. “That’s fucking great.”
The good news was I was no longer starving. The bad news: I was being hunted by something ridiculous and I was a baby, a tired baby.
“Guess I’ll take a nap,” I said.
“Moo,” said Bur.
----------
Stat Increase: Constitution +1.
You slept with a full stomach.
The sun was high in the sky when I woke. The Rested buff floated large in my vision before returned to its usual spot. I had half expected to be woken by an attack from the Berry Berry King… whatever the hell that’s gonna be. But so far, the so-called king hadn’t revealed himself. I had been too tired to worry about it before, but now avoiding the Berry Berry King jumped to priority number one. I guess I should start moving.
With my 1 Dexterity, I began crawling. I had just about made it out from under the leaves of my bush when the first wildebeest spotted me. It threw its head in the air and bellowed fire. Back into the bush. Back into the fucking bush!
I toddled backwards as fast as my chubby legs would allow and curled into a ball as the wildebeest charged around me, panting fire and stamping its hooves in the dirt. Two curled horns whipped and thrashed through the branches sending twigs and leaves raining down upon me.
It felt like a lifetime had passed, but eventually the wildebeest calmed down and I was rewarded with another boost to my Dexterity stat.
Apparently cowering in a bush counted as stealth at low levels. That’s good news because it seems like cowering in a bush is my life now. At least that is until the Berry Berry King arrives to kill me.
I had no choice, but to wait until nightfall to try sneak out of this meadow. I considered removing my fluffy red onesie, but I had a feeling the cold would start to hurt soon and… I couldn't actually figure out how to unequip it. When I had removed my tie, I had just untied it, but the onesie didn’t seem to have any buttons or zips or anything like that. I was trapped inside it. This was like the Quick Draw Slot problem all over again, I was struggling to access basic inventory commands.
Since I was stuck inside a bush with nothing else to do, I ate some more of the Berry Berry Berries —Yeah, that’s what they are called and yeah, I’m eating them… I’m already being hunted by the Berry Berry King, eating more of them isn’t going to do anything except stop me starving to death.
In the late afternoon, I took another nap and woke just after sunset. Only this time, I wasn’t alone. Something other than a wildebeest was standing a few meters away from my bush. They were definitely aware of me, but I wasn’t sure yet if they knew that I knew that they knew I was hiding in the bush. After considering my options, I decided confidence was my best strategy. If they thought I sounded scared, they wouldn’t consider me a potential threat. I needed to sound like I was calm and prepared.
“You must be the Berry Berry King,” I said.
Someone laughed. “What?”
“You’re not the Berry Berry King?” I asked.
“Nah, man,” said a young woman’s voice. “I’m like… not talking to a bush right now.”
“I’m not a bush,” I said. “I’m just hiding in the bush.”
The young woman took a step towards me. “So like, why are you hiding in a bush? Are you the Berry Berry King?” she was laughing again.
“Shut up,” I said. “This is serious. If I come out of the bush, the wildebeest will breath fire on me.”
“Oh, damn,” she said. “I hate it when that happens. But don’t worry my Berry Berry Majesty, there are no wildebeest out here now. They have returned to the palace.”
“Really? They left?” I asked.
“Yeah man, it’s just me out here.”
“O.K.” I started crawling out of the bush. “I’m coming out.”
“Woah,” she said. “You’re like… a baby.”
“I’m not a baby,” I said. “I’m just level zero right now.”
“Yeah, that’s kind of how being a baby works, little guy,” she reached down and picked me up. “Who left you out here, baby?”
“I told you, I’m not a baby,” I said.
“Right, you’re the Berry Berry King, I got you, my lord.” She laughed again. She was actually pretty cute. It was dark, but I knew an Elf when I saw one. She had a mess of wavy black hair, pointy ears, and long slender arms and legs.
“Stop calling me that,” I said.
“You got it, Baby Baby King.”
“Look, I’ve been having a rough… life,” I said. “Can you help me get to somewhere safe?”
“Sure thing, baby,” she said. “It’s dangerous out here. I never usually see Humans come out this far from the city. At least, not little ones like you. I was going to climb up that mountain, but I guess I can take you to Morgon's Tavern. Humans like taverns right?”
“Yes, please,” I said. “Thank you.”
“No problem, baby,” she said. “I’m Serilla by the way.”
“You’re an Elf.” I guess I kind of like her.
“There’s more to me than that,” she said. “Just like there’s more to you than just being an cute, little baby. So, what’s the deal, kiddo? Why are you all the way out here?”
“Believe it or not,” I said. Then I stopped myself. Reginald’s words came back to me. Could I really trust this stranger? Just because she’s a cool Elf, doesn’t mean I can trust her. My feeling was that Elves were usually good guys, but in this world that meant nothing. She could be a murderous psychopath pretending to be a friendly, innocent, cute girl. She wouldn’t be the first. “Believe it or not, I just happened by here.”
“Oh,” she said. “Alright.”
Serilla shifted me onto her hip and started walking. Her hair billowed around my face, it smelled of lavender, campfire smoke, and something smooth and sweet like chocolate. Criteria fulfilled.
I was about to cast Basic Identify, then remembered how Reginald and Dorilla had both reacted to my attempts to Identify them without permission.
“Do you mind if I identify you?” I asked.
“Only if you tell me why you called me the Berry Berry King,” she said, then threw her head back and laughed again. “Berry Berry King, ha ha ha. That was the last thing I expected that bush to say.”
“Ugh,” I said. “It’s really not that funny. I ate a berry and it gave me a permanent buff. Now I’m being hunted by the Berry Berry King. I have no idea what they even look like, but they are going to track me down and kill me.”
“Damn,” said Serilla. “That sucks. I ate an apple once and I had floppy hair for a week.”
“Thanks, Serilla. Those two reactions are really similar,” I said. “I feel completely reassured now.”
“You know if you keep speaking like that and the wind changes direction your voice will be sarcastic forever.”
“Really?”
She threw her head back and laughed again.
She’s crazy, but I kind of like her.
Name: Serilla. Race: Undead. Class: Nightmare. Lvl 6.
Monster. Omnivore. Violent. Sociable. Intelligent.
Thrall turned Nightmare.
Shit.
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