In the heart of the market, Retro stopped at an armorer: Rusty Pete's Mostly Functional Armor Emporium. A massive anvil hung precariously above the door, swaying in the breeze.

That's going to kill someone, Mindt thought.

Aida: Two people so far. Don't worry, both rezzed.

Inside the shop, armor pieces dangled from the ceiling on chains and rest mounted on hooks along the walls. Between the armor sets, customer testimonials proclaimed the high quality and integrity of the armor, most of them suspiciously written in the same handwriting.

A level 25 NPC with a dandy mustache stood smiling behind the counter in a tuxedo, his name read: Pete "Only Slightly Dented" Hammersong. Upon approaching, Mindt noticed that under his friendly demeanor were hard lines and bulging muscles of a man who clearly worked the forge. His tuxedo was in danger of ripping at the seams.

"Welcome to Rusty Pete's," he said. "I offer the finest used wares this side of Equinox. And remember, if you die wearing my armor, the second set is half-off!"

Suddenly, a hook from the ceiling gave out, sending a plate mail clattering to the ground, a fine cloud of wood dust fluttering in the air.

"Oh what luck," Pete said. "You just received a special discount on that plate mail!"

Retro spun back around to look at Pete. "Can we see your wares," he asked. "We've had a hard time finding good loot from monsters."

"Why, yes, of course."

An inventory screen popped up in Mindt's vision, offering a huge array of choices.

Mindt: Can we get some assistance to filter out the junk? We don't want to see items that are worse than what we have, or aren't relevant to our races and jobs.

An avatar of the Inventory app appeared, giving a prolonged, distressed sigh.

Cache: Another warehouse to sort?!

The avatar straightened its bowtie. It's eye twitched.

Cache: Oh very well... I suppose we'll need to catalog, categorize, and cross-reference EVERY. SINGLE. ITEM.

A stream of binary code swarmed across Mindt's vision and a hyperventilating noise started to come from the avatar.

Cache: Rusty Pete's filing system is absolute chaos! Chainmail mixed with plate armor? Gauntlets sorted by 'Number of Remaining Fingers'? And - Is that helmet being used as a soup bowl? Oh my word. That greave still has a leg in it. Someone get a tissue.

What remained was a significantly reduced list of items.

"This one looks interesting," Retro said.

Wiki: Tennis Shoes of the Air Jordance

These shoes were crafted by a sneakerhead wizard named Michael, The Sole Mate. He fused the laces of Tsarvuli with the soles of the Vaulting Boots of [redacted] and accidentally added a shard of a solidified neon he'd found at a cyberpunk estate sale. Urban legend says The Sole Mate still makes custom pairs in his workshop, but good luck finding him - the entrance only appears to those who can execute a perfect mid-air moonwalk.

Grants the following effects:

Allows the wearer to walk 2 steps on air. Wearer must perform a sick dunk on the last step or fall on their face.

Every 15 minutes, the wearer has a 50% chance to start line dancing uncontrollably.

Each step the wearer takes is illuminated in pink and blue neon light.

"Yeah, interesting, but useless," Mindt said.

"Walk on air!"

"Both the illumination and the dancing are a liability. Imagine trying to run for your life and suddenly you start dancing. Or imagine trying to hide in the dark, but your shoes are lit up."

Retro twisted his mouth, "but I like Tsarvuli. Okay how about this one?"

Wiki: Pouch of Infinite Pitted Dates

A well-worn leather satchel with faint calligraphy woven into its surface. The inside shimmers like a desert mirage, and dates appear one at a time when reached for. Created before the inventory system was thought up, this pouch was designed by a hungry desert wizard who was tired of packing snacks for long caravan journeys. He enchanted it during a particularly intense sugar craving, accidentally making it too efficient, and was killed when an avalanche of dates crushed him under their delicious weight.

This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.

Grants the following effects:

Allows a date to be plucked out of the pouch one at a time.

Caution: Attempting to turn the pouch inside out will result in a catastrophic number of dates generated within seconds.

"Retro, why?"

"I like dates. Good for energy."

"This is a VR, you don't even need to eat. This is almost as useless as the shoes."

"I'm buying it. Life is meant to be lived with a little sweetness along the way."

The pouch was a paltry 4 gold, but Mindt thought even that was too expensive for an item with no good use. They needed to focus on offense and defense.

Retro beamed with delight as he popped the first date in his mouth.

She stared incredulously. "Can we focus on survival?"

He bugged his eyes out in an exaggerated attempt to show how good the dates were.

I'm going to die, she thought, turning her attention back to the armory wares.

There were a few +1 or +2 to stat points, but nothing stood out in the mess. At the top right of the menu, she found an icon that looking like a sorting filter. She mentally clicked and chose "sort by value".

A spreadsheet popped up in her vision and the Cache avatar positioned its monocle.

Cache: Do you have any idea how many subcategories that requires? We have 'Actual Value,' 'Perceived Value,' 'Sentimental Value,' 'Value After Taxes,' and 'Value If You Squint And Tilt Your Head Just So!' I suppose you want Gold Value. Always monetary these days. Oh, and I presume you expect me to determine the market rate for a sword that's 'totally magical, trust me' versus one that's 'probably cursed but in a good way'?

The avatar blinked away.

At the top of the list was an amulet.

Wiki: Wailing Thunderbird Amulet

This is a cedar amulet in the shape of the little carvings one would find in Native American gift shops, its wings tipped with delicate lightning bolt etchings. Blue-white sparks occasionally dance between its sapphire eyes. Originally created by the First Nations storm callers in Oklahoma, the amulet served as both a ceremonial piece and a tool for communicating with thunder spirits. During storms, it vibrates and emits a low hum that sounds suspiciously like "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC. Makes bald guys look cool as fuck. Hint Hint.

+2 wisdom

+2 charisma

Grants the following effects:

Storm Chaser - Creates a permanent aura around the wearer that adds +1d6 lightning damage to every attack that lands on each enemy within the aura. Damage and radius of aura increases with wearer's level.

Mindt: Am I reading this correctly, Aida? If an enemy is within the aura, they take extra damage no matter who is damaging them? For example, Retro could be wearing the amulet and I could be blasting them with Torpedos, and it would still do extra lightning damage?

Aida: Striking observation! Ohm the humanity! Resistance is futile! This conversation was enlightning.

She turned to Retro, who was sitting on Pete's counter eating dates. He seemed to be in the menu system as well doing his own thing. She worried about him a little. How well would he do in this game without her?

She imagined what his life was like before Jiem. Just a 9-6 white collar worker attending meetings, hanging out with his family, watching streams on the couch at the end of the day. He seemed like the type the more she got to know him. Had he ever dealt with stressful situations like this in his life? Or maybe he just handled stress really, really well. She made a mental note to ask him about his life.

"Retro, take a look at the Wailing Thunderbird Amulet," she said. "And at what Aida confirmed. Ignore the puns."

Aida: Coming up with weather puns is a breeze.

There was a pause as he read the description. "It makes bald guys look cool," he said finally.

"That's what you got out of all that?"

"Says it right here. There are even little hints next to it, almost like the system wants me to have this item."

She hadn't noticed that. Why was the 'hint hint' text there?

Mindt: Can you comment on this?

Aida: Nope. I didn't create the game, so I don't know why this particular description seems to be aimed at Retro. I do know that there is a protocol to help develop underpowered Nousheads, so perhaps this item was generated in this shop to help you not suck so much.

Retro: I'd rather you not comment in the future.

"It's expensive," Mindt said. "It costs more gold than we have. We'll have to sell things in order to buy it."

"What about other armor we can buy? There is a +2 constitution and +2 dexterity gloves we could get for me and have enough left over to buy another piece of armor for you."

"I think this amulet is too powerful to pass up. Every enemy around you takes extra damage, and that damage will level up with you as you do."

Retro rubbed his bald head for a moment, and then popped another date in his mouth. "Okay, but our next shopping trip is yours."

They had to sell all the extra loot in their inventory in order to buy the amulet, even the dynamite, which Mindt felt was unfortunate, but considering she'd probably just blow herself up, she finally relented.

With the amulet, Retro was now doing fire damage, lightning damage, and ensuring enemies could not heal with the Disease debuff. Plus for tough enemies, he could cast I'm Not Mad, I'm Just Disappointed, which would reduce their overall defense. The aura gave Mindt another thought. If they could find a way for them to damage multiple enemies at once within the aura, they would all take extra lightning damage.

She knew that Retro would get a crowd control spell at some point, but she was disappointed to learn that examining disabled skills in the skill tree wouldn't reveal any information about them. They could only plan their builds around what was immediately available next. For example, she knew that she could get Repulsion Ring next in her skill tree because it was unlocked, but she didn't know what she could learn after that. At level 5, a new spell on a different branch of the skill tree would be available to learn, but it was still greyed out so she couldn't tell what it was.

With Retro, he had no available spells to learn until level 6, but he did have a skill called Dad Vibes available to learn as soon as he got another skill point to spend. The skill description had not been helpful.

Wiki: Dad Vibes - "Hi Getting Stabbed Multiple Times, I'm Dad"

"Thanks for your patronage," Pete said, clasping his hands together. "Remember, if any of my gear breaks, that means you're probably still alive to complain about it!" His dandy mustache suddenly fanned out horizontally, making him look surprised. "I nearly forgot," he said producing a small pouch from under his counter. "This here is a complimentary gift, an Emergency Repair Kit."

Mindt looked inside the pouch to find a rubber band and a paper clip.

"Do come back when you have more gold," he said, ushering them gently out the door.