I woke up from a sound sleep after having trouble falling asleep last night. This is day 4 and there’s no loop same as yesterday. It feels strange because the first day was the hardest so far. But after the third day, there were no more loops like the first two days when the loops begin. It made me wonder if the loop problem was over and wouldn’t happen again.

But right now I don’t have any problems with it. At first I thought this loop was hell, but as time went on I turned it into a solution to my true problems.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it at all. After all, I don’t know what or why the loop happened.

All I know is that all the loops that happened could be passed if I managed to solve the problem with my family.

The first day with Maria, and the second day with my mother. It’s just that I don’t understand why I didn’t get a loop on the third day.

Did I meet the requirements to pass the loop even before getting the loop in that day?

But so far it’s all been about my family. It makes me wonder why I was able to qualify on the third day.

All of this makes me believe that I am truly free from the loop.

There’s a sense of disappointment in my heart, but also a sense of relief and gratitude for the loop incident that came into my life. In the end, the loop that happened only helped me, not trapped me forever.

It made me learn that I have to face the problems that are in front of me without running away. Because in the end, no human being can run away from their problems in life unless they die. So it is with me.

I showered and got ready to go to a place with Maria today. We took the nearest train from our house and headed to another city by it.

“Are you sure you want to see my new school?” Asked Maria, who was sitting next to me near the window.

“Yeah, of course. I want to know the exact location, so I can go straight to school if something happens to you at school.”

“Hey... Why are you being so overprotective like this? You think I’m a little kid?”

“Maria, you should be aware of yourself now. You’re a beautiful woman, hatred and envy will always be around your life. And you won’t always be able to handle this alone forever. So if something happens like two days ago, I want you to come to me first rather than anyone else. I want to be the first to hear about your problems.”

“Ugh... You know? That sounds disgusting when you say it without hesitation.”

“Eh?”

“But I don’t hate it. Thanks brother.”

She smiled at me.

“Ehehe, you’re welcome. After all, it’s been my dream to protect a sweet and beautiful little sister like you. It’s like my dream has come true.”

“So you’re saying that I wasn’t beautiful and sweet before?”

“No-not like that!”

“Ehehe, I’m just kidding. Your face when you panic looks funny.”

“You’re so naughty now, aren’t you!”

I started pinching her cheeks hard while playing with them.

“No! Please, I’m being harassed!” She shouted, holding back the pain in her cheeks.

Making me panic instantly because the stares of the people around me immediately went towards me.

“O-oi! Don’t shout things that make other people misunderstand!”

While she just stuck out her tongue at me with the intention of mocking me.

After that, we continued to chat about many things and even discussed our past, which turned out to be a source of mutual mockery without causing hatred for each other between us.

After the train we were on reached its destination, Maria ran ahead of me while shouting, “Whoever gets off last has to treat the first one off!”

Without any warning, she ran away from me who was still sitting in the train seat.

I moved quickly to follow her. But she had acted first, making her win the unfair bet.

I was out of breath from exhaustion, making me bend over just to calm my irregular breathing.

While she laughed at me right now while continuing to force me to follow her from behind.

I looked unhappy, but deep down in my heart I realized that this was the situation I had always longed for. A situation where I could smile with my family, a situation where I could smile without the intention of venting my loneliness.

But as time went on, I started to remember myself on the night before.

Making me think, “Is Maria just pretending right now?”

But I didn’t want to think about it any further. Because at least I want to believe her. Even though there is still a fear of insincerity like what happened in the past. I’m afraid Maria is just acting the same way she did to me in the past. But there’s a chance that she’s not acting. No matter how small the possibility is, it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. As long as there’s hope, I’ll keep believing in something.

Betrayal is indeed painful. But if I look at it from another side, betrayal is just a form of honesty that has been held back for a long time. It doesn’t mean that betraying is wrong. It’s just that without that honesty, maybe someone will continue to be trapped in a relationship full of lies.

After all, the pain of being betrayed by someone else is not caused by the person who betrayed you. But that pain grows because the person who was betrayed can’t accept reality.

In the end, the word “betrayal” is just a meaningless word veiled by layers of honesty and lies.

“Bro, aren’t you working?”

“No, my boss said I had to take a few days off.”

“Why?”

I can’t tell her that my boss is just worried about my current condition. Because my boss thinks that I must need a rest after having surgery on my neck. Even though it was just the result of my lie, I got an unexpected benefit. It made me feel guilty but also happy.

“I don’t know,” I said, because I didn’t want to lie anymore, so I ran away.

But in a flash, I realized that I actually knew the reason. In the end, I realized that I was lying again.

“H-how can you not know?” She said.

“I don’t know.”

“You’re so weird.... Oh, forget it, it doesn’t matter.”

The beginning of her words sounded stiff, making me realize that she said it not naturally, but there was something behind it. That stiff utterance happened because her mouth couldn’t adjust to the speed of her thinking at that time. That’s why I know she’s thinking about something complicated right now.

Maria wants to hide the truth about herself, she actually realizing that I’m hiding something. She also pretends to not care by acting like a naughty girl who doesn’t care about anything right now. But I know she’s paying attention and thinking about it too.

After all, this is my fault for unknowingly lying in the wrong way. I made a mistake because I didn’t want to lie and ended up lying in a bad way. The doubt in me made me lose wisdom in choosing, but that doubt was based on good morality. Therefore, maybe it’s a good choice that I chose to be naive. After all, I don’t mind being called stupid by other people. It doesn’t mean I’m really stupid compared to the person who calls me stupid.

After that, we walked in silence but with a few laughs that happened until we finally arrived at her school.

Maria waved her hand with a smile at me before she entered the school gate. While I turned around with a smile on my face and started walking with the intention of going home on the same route.

But my smile faded instantly, the absence of Maria by my side made me keep talking to myself in my head.

“Isn’t this the same as before?”

The question refers to my relationship with Maria, which is full of lies in the past and also now. I don’t see any difference, because I realize I’m just pretending not to realize the situation.

But I also realize that I’m the one who started this lie. I lied to my family, and it’s them who are now in my position. Now my relationship with my whole family is the opposite of before. Because now I’m the liar, and they’re the ones who keep trying not to realize the lie.

In the end, aren’t I doing the same thing as them in the past?

It made a feeling of guilt grow slowly, but this time it’s not because I’m lying to myself, but because it’s my true feeling. This time I realize that I might really destroy this family with my own actions, not with their intervention like before.

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

That’s why I went home with a gloomy face without being able to smile at all.

Heading to the train station where Maria and I came from. Now I use it in the opposite direction from when we left, and now I’m alone, unlike before.

It feels very different from when I was with Maria. The feeling of a lump in my heart right now is a feeling that is actually very familiar to me. I know what this feeling is called, because I’m used to it. This is loneliness.

Because the difference is very different, it made me quickly realize my feeling of loneliness.

But this loneliness is a little different from usual. Because I feel there’s another feeling that envelops my loneliness warmly.

It’s like hope, hope to meet Maria again, play with her again, and also laugh with her again, again, again, and again until I’m satisfied. But I also realize that I will never be satisfied at all with that. This feeling is what is commonly called longing.

I’m not too familiar with this feeling, because longing only comes when something or someone you love is gone or disappears from your side. But unfortunately, until now, there’s no word of love in my life.

Even when I was still in high school, when I felt that I had fallen in love, I slowly realized that it wasn’t pure love. Because my love at that time was just fake love that I wanted to believe was true love. But actually, what I felt at that time was just lust. In the end, what I was after at that time was just her body and face, making me disgusted with myself when I realized that and choosing to break up with my girlfriend who was very difficult to get at that time.

I just kept quiet and apologized for ending our relationship. While she just smiled and said that she would wait for me.

I didn’t understand what she said at that time. I don’t understand what she meant by the word “wait” that she said. But all I know is that her smile at that time only added to the guilt in my heart.

Strangely, she kept trying to be with me until now. She even became the only outsider who knew my situation in my family and directly said that I was the one who was wrong. Unlike other people who just tried to calm me down every time I cried, but mocked me as a whining man who didn’t realize his own mistake.

She always tried to give advice about my family and also made opportunities for us to have time to talk to each other. But all I could do was run away from her continuously because of the guilt that was actually the result of my own naive actions.

I even regretted that I never touched her at all when we were still dating. But now, right now, at this moment, I can only feel relieved for choosing to break up with her. Because I don’t want to turn into a jerk that I hate so much, a jerk who deceives himself into believing that what he feels is love, not lust.

But right now I believe in love. I believe that love is a beautiful thing. I want to believe that love is real. Because I want to feel happiness by loving. After all, there’s no point in having a family if I don’t love them.

That’s why I choose to try to love them. I want to accept them.

The time waiting for the next train felt really long. Unlike when I waited with Maria.

Time is really strange, beautiful things always happen so quickly, while painful things always feel very long. That’s why humans always want to find happiness. Because happiness has no limits. It’s just that I was late to realize it.

In the crowd of people around me, all I saw was a yellow line that indicated that it was the safe limit. I only saw my two legs and the safe limit that wasn’t that far away. Because I didn’t know anyone, I chose to look at myself. Thinking, improvising, answering, and also setting goals. All of that happened in my head, while my body just stood still while looking at the sandals I was wearing.

Until finally the sound of the train came from a distance, making me turn towards the direction the train should have come from. But my gaze was fixed on something else, something that should have been far away but always tried to get closer. It stood right next to me with a smile on its face.

She was my ex-girlfriend, someone who made me realize that I never loved anything.

The woman with white hair, purple eyes, and lensless glasses was quite strange from the outside, but her heart was incredibly warm when i felt it. Her beautiful features, with a hair color rare in this world, always drew attention from those around her, both men and women.

However, unlike Maria, she was a little different. Because she was the type of person who couldn't be hated.

"Yo, yo, yo, how are you, my dear!?"

"I've told you countless times, don't call me that."

"Uhhh, so cold. But you shouldn't furrow your brow and show your annoyance. It makes you look less cool."

"Huh?"

"Have you ever dreamed of being treated roughly by a cold guy?"

"What do you mean? The more we talk, the less I understand the flow of this conversation."

Then, she smiled widely with the intention of teasing and looking cool. And with a deepened voice, she said, "there's nothing exciting if we already know everything."

"How can you not be ashamed when you say something so embarrassing?"

"Humans are ashamed because they have done something bad or inappropriate according to their morals. Do you think I have done something that crosses the line as a human?"

"...no... I think..."

"So... No problem, right?"

"Ugh... As usual, you're too smooth when you talk. You're right... But for some reason, I'm annoyed."

"Of course you're annoyed, you're stupid after all."

I sighed deeply and then asked, "what do you want from me?"

"Hmm? Hihihi..."

"I know you well, you must have been following me since I was still with Maria, right?"

She looked surprised, though I knew she wasn't. She also knew I knew she was acting. But she still played her role so well, saying, "how did you know that?"

"Don't pretend to be stupid, we've known each other for a long time. You must have accidentally seen me walking with Maria and felt uncomfortable interfering with our happy moment. Then you decided to wait for the right moment to appear."

"The right moment?" Still with a smile on her face, she pretended not to understand. But I knew it, and she also realized that I knew.

"When I broke up with Maria, right?"

"Ihihi! That's right! As I expected from my future husband! You're quite smart!"

"Didn't you call me stupid before?"

"Ehhh? Did I say that?" she said, pretending to be stupid. It just made me more annoyed with her.

"You're really!... If there's nothing important, you should just go home."

"Hmm? How? We're in different cities."

"Of course, by train."

"But the train has already left, the next one will arrive in 2 hours."

I was shocked to hear that, making me hurriedly check the train schedule again and realizing that she wasn't lying.

"How could this happen?" I muttered.

"You're just not aware, the train has passed since we started chatting."

"This is because of you!"

"you the one weren't aware of the train's presence. Not like you, I was still aware about the train."

"Then why didn't you tell me!"

"How could I ruin this moment? Aren't you enjoying chatting with me so much that you're unaware of your surroundings?"

"Me?" I said, looking confused.

Meanwhile, she just sighed and said, "you're really stubborn."

"Huh? I'm stubborn?"

"Yeah, to yourself."

"Huh?"

"Forget it, instead, we should do something important somewhere else."

"Oh... Are you finally going to talk seriously about something?"

"No, I just want to chat with you."

"Huh? You said you wanted to do something important?"

She smiled with her sweet face. Not at anyone else, but at me, saying, "Yeah, that important thing is chatting with you. Do you think... Why didn't I make you aware of the train coming?"

Then she started walking, continuing to show that smile by looking back. As if telling me to follow her even without her saying a word.

I just replied by sighing and saying, "whatever, anyway, 2 hours is a long time."

"Yeah, it's quite a long time..."

I know her well, that's why I can distinguish her voice from other people's voices. And I know that her reply wasn't uttered with full enthusiasm as she usually did. There was a tinge of sadness behind her words, veiled by layers of lies.

I don't know why, I don't understand, but what I understand is that she's feeling sad.

I then started to quicken my pace a little so I could walk side by side with her. At that moment, I could see her gloomy face.

Seeing that, I know what I have to do. I want to comfort her. But I don't understand how.

The first thing that came to my mind was to pat her head. Because that's the method often used by the main characters in the novels I read when they were comforting their younger sisters. It's just that I don't know if that method will also work with an ex-girlfriend.

She, who knew my good intentions, smiled again. Then she laughed and said, "ahahaha, you're really bad when it comes to women."

"Ehh? But you laughed, right?"

"Ahahahaha, I'm laughing because of your silly way."

"You!... I just wanted to comfort..."

Then she replied in a made-up sexy tone, "You should hug me from the side while bringing your lips near to my ear and say 'everything will be alright'... Kyaaaahhh! That's the best moment!!!!"

Suddenly she shouted nonsense for reasons I didn't understand. I asked, "what do you mean?"

"Ah, forget it. That's just one of my favorite scenes."

"Huh?"

"Have you forgotten that I'm a romance novel lover?"

"Romance? I never remember that. You just read strange novels."

"Isn't it interesting to read unique romance novels?"

"Huft... Whatever," I could only dodge. Because I don't want to know that I agree with her. After all, romance without any uniqueness in it will feel very bland when read as a novel.

"Hey, you..."

"What?"

"Are you satisfied?"

"What do you mean asking that?"

"I'm just curious if you still regret something."

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because I love you."

Hearing that from her mouth, which sounded without the slightest doubt, made me a little disturbed. There was a vibration I couldn't understand that couldn't be explained by my mouth. It was shame... And also happiness.

"You're still waiting for me until now?"

"Yeah... Always... I'll be faithful until you regret nothing in your life. I'll accompany you even if I have to live in hell with you."

"No... I don't want to be in hell. Besides, I'm sure I can get into heaven."

"Are you sure heaven exists?"

"No, but I want to believe it. Because that way, I think I can feel safe and die without regret."

"Why?"

"Because if heaven exists, I can be sure that there's still a place where I can be accepted."

"Do you think heaven is a place full of happiness?"

"I don't know, no human knows."

"Then why do you think humans believe in heaven and hell?"

"That...," I couldn't answer. Not because I didn't know, but because I was afraid. I was afraid of my own wild thoughts.

While I was silent, she answered her own question.

"It's because humans want to scare sinners into repenting. That's why hell was created. It's because humans want to create a place for good people. That's why heaven was created."

"So you think heaven and hell were created by humans?"

"Yeah."

"How?"

"Not physically. Only in the mind. Humans create something that doesn't exist. Not because they're stupid, but because they're afraid. Humans are afraid of something they don't know, that's why humans make up stories that after death there's still a place where they can stay forever. Humans are afraid of the limits they have."

"You say all that like you're a god who knows everything."

"I'm not a god, I'm just an honest person. Aren't you the same?"

"Huh? Me? I believe in heaven."

"You don't believe in heaven and hell. You just want to believe, because you can feel safe because of it. Didn't you say it yourself? Besides, you're just afraid to express your opinion to the majority. After all, intelligent people will always be the wrong party among other stupid people. And also your comfort in your belief makes me give up on expressing the real truth. You're just a liar."

"Are you aware that you sound like an Atheist right now?"

"Yeah, besides, I don't believe in any god."

"This topic is really heavy, are you aware?"

"Not really, if you look at it from a different perspective. This looks like a girl who pretends to know everything is chatting with a stupid man who turns out to be her ex-boyfriend."

I smiled after hearing that and replied, "you're really a strange woman."

"I've known that from the beginning. But... You love this strange me, right?"

My smile faded instantly, just silent and hoping someone would change the topic that made me so uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, I felt her gaze as if she understood what I wanted at that moment. And true to my expectations, she quickly changed the topic.

After that, we continued to discuss other random things. About the past, the future, or the present. Until finally, we found a restaurant that looked deserted but high quality, and we entered it together. Unexpectedly, the prices there were very expensive, making me understand why this place was so deserted. Because only rich people come here.

After that, we ordered food, even though I was still worried about the prices there. But my self-esteem as a man made me not want to look bad in front of my ex-girlfriend. I pretended to look relaxed and didn't care about the prices clearly displayed on the restaurant's menu list.

Meanwhile, she looked at my face several times while holding back her laughter that she couldn't hold back completely.

After I finished eating the food I ordered, I saw that she hadn't finished her food yet. Making me feel like I had to order more food so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable making me wait.

"Since when did you become greedy?"

"I am indeed a selfish person."

"Hmm... You're very kind. I love you."

"Ugh..."

Again, the word "love" came out of her mouth without hesitation. But I can't understand whether it's a form of sincerity or not. After all, I'm not her, and I can't read her mind either.

While I was still trying to calm myself down, which was restless because of her. She suddenly asked something that she had already asked me before but with a different arrangement of words.

"Do you still have regrets?"

"Huh? You asked me the same thing before. What do you really want from me?"

"Nothing, I'm just curious if you still have regrets."

"You're really strange."

"Then... Is there anything else you want?"

"What I want? Hmm... Money?"

"So you'll lose your regrets if you become rich?"

"No."

"So you really still have regrets?"

"Huh?... You're really a female fox."

"Ihihi, I'm a good fox, right?"

"So... What do you want until you force me to answer your question with your word games?"

"Didn't I answer that question before? The only one who wants to do something right now is you, not me, right?"

"..."

"I'm talking about your family, you know what I've been talking about from the beginning, right? Let's stop deceiving each other. You don't want to be in a relationship full of lies, do you?"

"..."

"Say it, don't hesitate."

"Yes."

"What's 'yes'?"

"I... Regret something."

"Regret what?"

"Lying to them."

"Your family?"

"Yeah, just like they did to me in the past. Now I'm the one hiding something from them."

"Doesn't that mean you're now in a balanced situation?"

"This isn't an action game that can end in a draw. This is life. In the end, I understand why they hid something from me."

"Why?"

"This feeling... I understand. It's fear. Fear of an unknown future. In the end, I should have understood them from the beginning. But my lack of experience in life made me unable to understand something as simple as this. They weren't unwilling to be honest with me, they were just afraid to tell the truth. Just like me right now."

"So... Do you think you can accept them now?"

"I... I don't know. It doesn't mean I can forgive them just because I understand them. I have a heart to be hurt. And the wounds in my heart won't heal just because I understand their reasons. And also... Until now, I still haven't gotten the truth I want."

She smiled and then replied, "You haven't changed since before. You're really a coward and a hypocrite."

"...," I wanted to argue but couldn't. Because I felt that what she said was the truth. And also her words made me remember Maria who had said the same thing. It's true, I never changed, a coward will always be a coward as it is, that's me.

"You just have to ask directly. Why are you beating around the bush and making other excuses to run away from your own problems? You won't be able to get the truth without looking for it. The truth won't come to your mind on its own. There are no wise people who don't read hundreds or even thousands of books, right? How can you get an answer if you don't ask?"

"B-but..."

"You're just making excuses and pretending again. You're just running away. Realize that and face your problems. You've known this from the beginning."

"But!..."

"Tell me the reason."

"But I'm afraid!"

Then she smiled and said, "I'm right about you. You're really a coward, right?"

"...," I could only look down after hearing that.

"But that's what makes me love you."

Those words no longer bothered me. It even felt like an insult at this point.

After that, I and she didn't talk to each other and just continued our meal.

After we ate, before I said goodbye to her, she said a sentence that I didn't understand.

"Meet me again at this cafe, okay? Don't forget me and this place."

That sentence came out of her mouth as if she was confident that I would meet her again at this restaurant. But it just made me wonder.

"Why this place?"

But before I could ask her further, she had already walked away. I could only see her shoulders. And that's when I realized it was too late.

In the end, I realized, or perhaps more accurately, I could be honest with myself. That I felt happy while chatting with her, with her named Claire. A woman I once loved, a love layered with self-deception.