When dinner arrived, I kept glancing at my father, my curiosity burning. His perpetually expressionless face made me uneasy, as I could never tell what he was thinking.

Mom and Maria noticed my strange behavior, which made them anxious too. I was sure they understood what I was trying to do. After all, I had promised them the same thing.

I had to fix this relationship.

They had been working with me. By starting to open up to each other, they began to trust me. So I had to answer their trust firmly, without giving them any reason to be disappointed in my actions.

That's why, in the middle of dinner, I said, "Dad, how about we take a walk around the house for a bit?"

My father started staring at me, making my hair stand on end. But he still didn't answer directly after I asked. It left me confused about what to say next. But this would be pointless if I gave up just because of that. So I asked him again:

"——Is that not allowed?"

"Just the two of us?"

"Y-yes! You're right! Something like that...?" I hesitated, afraid of misinterpreting him. Unconsciously, I made a strange tone that sounded like I was asking a question.

Maria and Mom's expressions clearly showed worry. I couldn't ignore the wrinkles on their foreheads. It made me realize I had made a mistake.

However, my father didn't seem too concerned about it. He even continued eating while casually replying:

"Alright, but finish your food first. Then I'll go with you——"

Hearing that made me smile. It made him ask again, saying:

"——Is there something funny on my face?"

"N-no!"

"I know, I was just kidding."

After that, I understood one simple thing about my father. He was bad at joking.

Relief was evident on Mom and Maria's faces. It showed how supportive they were of me at this moment. They didn't do anything, they didn't help anything, but I was saved just by their presence beside me.

After dinner, my father and I went for a walk around the house as promised.

The cold night air made my body shiver. I didn't bring a jacket or thick clothes instead, so I had to endure the coldness in my body. Not wanting my father to know, I tried to keep my facial expression from changing.

But unexpectedly, my father gave me his jacket without saying a word. I felt guilty about it and wanted to give it back.

"Ah.. no need, I'm not cold——"

My father just stared at me silently, continuing to walk beside me.

"——I'm really okay, take it back," I continued, trying to return his jacket.

But my hand was held, and finally, he said something for the first time since we started walking together.

"You don't need to act tough in front of me. I know everything."

"Everything?"

My father just remained silent and didn't explain. He just looked around and said, "Follow me," speeding up his pace. It left me behind, and I could only see his back, which was smaller than I expected.

That back used to look so big. It made me realize how long I had been ignoring my own family. After all, I couldn't even look at his face because of shame and fear. I kept pretending to be right and lying to myself that everything was someone else's fault. But deep down, I had shame that I had to suppress.

But now I could see my father. I could see him clearly with my own eyes. Without any lies in my heart, I chose to look at him with my honest heart. Even though I still felt fear and anxiety. At least, I felt I had done the right thing.

His back looked small and weak. His old age and his slowly graying hair made me realize how long I had been turning a blind eye to my own family.

I kept following his directions, which seemed to be leading me somewhere. Finally, we ended up at a beautiful flower garden lit by lamps around it. It made the garden still look beautiful even at night.

The fountain in the middle of the garden with a statue in the shape of a book looked like an icon for the garden. Just like the quiet library, it was the same. With various chairs surrounding the fountain that could be seen there and also some people who seemed to be using them.

Usually, places like this would be used for a couple so they could be affectionate. But at that time, I didn't see any like that. Even some of the people there seemed to be enjoying their solitude.

Some were looking at their phones, some seemed to be serious with their laptops, some were just staring at the sky, and some were just waiting for their families who were shopping at the nearest store.

"Do you know this place?" My father asked suddenly.

"Eh, ehhh.... garden?"

"Everyone knows this is a garden just by looking at it. Have you become stupid lately?"

"Ehehe, sorry... What place is this?"

"A place to learn."

"Learn?"

"Yeah. Learn."

"But no one is carrying books here."

"They don't learn through books, but themselves."

"Huh?"

"Have you ever felt that you don't recognize yourself?"

That question made me silent. Not because I hesitated to answer, but because there was nothing I could think of to answer it. My mind was completely blank, as if I had just been born into this world.

Suddenly, my father, seeing my confused face, smiled and walked towards one of the garden chairs there. I, seeing his smile, could only be confused by the situation at that time. There was nothing I could understand at this time other than knowing that only my father knew about the situation at this time.

"Sit down," he said.

I slowly started to sit down, even though I chose a place a little distance from him. I pretended again that it was just a coincidence. Hiding the fact that I was just experiencing excessive anxiety.

My father just smiled at that. It made me even more confused because he never showed me his smile at all.

It wasn't just a smile. I never saw him sad, because he never cried in front of me. I never saw him angry, because he never hit me at all. I never saw him anxious, because he never furrowed his brow in front of me.

That's why I can't understand why the first expression I saw from him was an expression of happiness.

What made him happy?

I could never understand him, even when he showed his facial expressions. This made me more convinced that the gap in our relationship was so far that we couldn't understand each other even because of something as simple as this.

While I was still confused, he even asked about something that made me even more confused about what he was thinking at this time. The question he asked was:

"Can you forgive me too?"

After that i was just silent, it wasn't because I was confused, but because I felt he shouldn't have ask that to me. But that didn't mean I felt he shouldn't have do that. In fact, he should have do it, it's just that I felt it was me who should have do that to him, not him. So I answered him sincerely:

"I should be the one apologizing to you, Dad."

My father just remained silent, listening to that and smiling as he looked at the sky. But when I thought he was just enjoying the view, I changed my mind instantly. Because what he was doing was holding back tears that were slowly coming out.

"Can I cry?"

I just stayed silent and turned my face away so I wouldn't see his face when he was crying.

I didn't know why he was crying. I only knew that there was no prohibition for any living creature to cry. That's why I understood that he had been holding back all this time. It reminded me of his attitude, which always tried to talk about something with me but always ran away with his attitude which turned out to be just pretending to be strong.

Besides, there are no normal humans who don't have emotions. Even crazy people can feel happiness, sadness, anger, and also hatred, even though for reasons that are sometimes not considered normal.

If you stumble upon this tale on Amazon, it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.

But when you think about it further, normal and crazy humans are no different at all. Even I once laughed just because I saw a helicopter flying over the house. After all, I am human, it's impossible for me to hide my feelings from myself. In the end, if I really hid my feelings, I might just be pretending that nothing had ever happened. But deep down in my heart, there must be an awareness and also a desire to eliminate the feelings I want to hide.

The situation at that time was very uncomfortable. But I smiled, because I felt that my father was starting to open up to me. For the first time I could know his true feelings.

"I'm so sorry. Do I deserve to be forgiven?" my father said again.

While I was still turning my face away, I answered, "I'll answer it with the same answer over and over again. I should be the one saying that to you, Dad."

"No! No! You're wrong!"

"What's wrong?"

"From the beginning, this is my responsibility. Because of me, you have to bear this burden! I should the one who take the responsibility! Not you!——"

I sighed, silent, unable to say anything. Because deep down in my heart, I had thought like that too.

"——I know you realize that this is my responsibility. You're just forced by circumstances and your desires that you can't stand anymore. I know, you don't mean to destroy this family. I know you're starting to blame yourself for your actions. But you're wrong! You've been wrong from the beginning."

"But..."

"You want to deny it. But you can't say it. Because it goes against your current self who wants to fix this family, right? A relationship won't be able to continue well if it's accompanied by lies. You're right about that. That's why you want to be honest with me. That's why you want to talk to me alone, right? But you're wrong, it shouldn't be you who's honest, but me."

"Dad..."

"I'm a bad father... Right?"

"..."

"See? You can only stay silent while I state a fact about myself. Besides, you think the same thing, right? This is me, a bad father, a bad husband, a bad head of the family. All I can do is look for a little money while pretending nothing happened. Don't you think the same thing?"

I was still turning my face away because I don't want to see his face. But for a different reason than before, because now I'm just scared. I'm scared of his honesty, which feels so bitter. I'm scared of the truth about him that makes it hard for me to accept him. I'm afraid I won't be able to accept him again after I wake up from a dream full of lies.

I always blame myself. Actually because I want to hide the bad side of my family. That's because I want to accept them. It's just that their actions and also their attitude towards me in the past always blocked my heart from accepting them. In the end, I ran away by blaming myself. Covering up the past about them by making myself worse in the present.

But...

However, even though it's like that, I still want to accept all of this. After all, I have nothing else to accept. I'm afraid I'll waste the only place where I can go home with a smile on my face.

I don't know where is my happiness. But because i don't know that, so i decided to create it self. I'm wrong if i do that for myself? This is just selfish act? Why? I just want to create my own happiness.

I know i'm just pretending, i know i'm just lie to myself, but this is the way i want.

That's why I started looking at my father, looking at my father. Looking at his face which was still looking at the sky while holding back his feelings so that they wouldn't be too visible outside.

I want to convince father, I want to make him follow what I want.

[Me: Dad...]

I can't tell him, because I started to feel doubtful about my wishes.

[Dad: What?]

[Me: No, forget it...]

is this really the best for me?

i know that even if dad accepts this condition and pretends to be with me, he must still carry the burden of guilt throughout his life. because he realizes that he has made his son lie to himself to accept other people's fault.

My father sighed, he knew I was running away again. Of course he would realize it, because he always did it all this time. We are both the same people in different bodies. We are both just cowards who try to be brave at some point. Even though in the end we will only end up with the same conclusion, which is to run away.

He stood in front of me, while I was still sitting calmly on the garden chair, confused.

[My father: Say it.]

[Me: Huh?]

[My father: Say it!]

[Me: Say what?]

[My father: Let it go!]

I got emotional and got up from the chair where I was sitting and shouted loudly at my father for the first time.

[Me: I don't understand!]

He started to raise both his hands, making me think that I might be hit by him, so I closed my eyes. But it turned out he was just holding my shoulders, making me even more confused.

[Me: What do you want from me?]

[My father: You're the only one who wants to do something right now. I'm just helping you.]

[Me: Help what? Tell me what to do!]

[My father: You live as yourself, you are indeed the will of your desires, that's why you are also the one who decides what you want.]

[Me: I don't understand!]

[My father: What do you want?]

[Me: I don't know!]

[My father: You're just holding back, just like I've been doing all this time. Haven't you made up with Maria and your mother? What did you want before you did something to fix your relationship with them? Is that desire the same as when you want to fix your relationship with me? Do you really feel that way right now?]

[Me: I don't know!]

[My father: You're confused?]

[Me: Of course I'm confused!]

[My father: Then, why are you raising your voice at me right now? Are you angry? Why are you angry? Is it because I made you confused? Why are you angry just because you're confused? Or for another reason? Answer me, I know you know the answer. Because the one who is angry is yourself, it's impossible for you not to understand yourself. Besides, you have full control over yourself.]

[Me: Stop it! Dad! I don't want to!]

[My father: I know that you know what I've been talking about all this time.]

[Me: Stop all this!]

[My father: Say it]

[Me: Stop it!]

[My father: Say it!]

[Me: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!...]

[My father: You're a man! Say it out loud! Don't just keep running away!]

[Me: I hate you!——]

My breath was catching, I was physically and mentally exhausted. Especially the pain in my neck from yesterday's tragedy with my mother still made me have to endure the pain when I had to talk. But the bruise on my neck wasn't the worst thing for me right now.

My father just looked at me after I expressed my true feelings. Feelings that I buried deep in my heart so that no one could dig them up except myself. But unfortunately, today those feelings have been dug up because of emotional pressure from someone. That person is the person I hate the most, but also the person I don't want to hate, my own father.

[Me:——I hate you... Okay? Are you happy with that?]

My ragged breaths would make anyone who saw me think I was tired. But that was wrong, because my irregular breathing was caused by my unstable emotions. Fear, panic, anger, and relief were all mixed up inside me, constantly battling to be the most dominant emotion. Unfortunately, this made it impossible for me to think clearly right now.

[My Father: Thank you...hiks...hiks...Thank you!]

[Me: Why are you thanking me? I hurt your feelings, didn't I?]

[My Father: Isn't it because of the same reason that you hate me?]

After hearing that, I couldn't hold back my tears. I tried to stop them, but they wouldn't be contained. All I could do was wipe the tears from my face.

[My Father: Let me take responsibility for this.]

[Me: Hiks...Why are you just doing this now...!?]

[My Father: Don't forgive me, I know you can't. So don't force yourself to forgive me right now. I just want you to know the reason why I'm just willing to take responsibility now.]

[Me: Is it because of shame?]

[My Father: No.]

[Me: Regret?]

[My Father: I shouldn't regret what I did to you.]

[Me: You don't regret it?]

[My Father: Yeah, it was my choice since I decided to agree to use your eye for my purpose——]

I just stayed silent. I knew there had to be a reason behind it. But even so, I still felt disappointed and angry at him. However, because I understood, I remained quiet.

[My Father:——honestly, I was afraid to act. I was afraid of you.]

[Me: Afraid? Of me?]

[My Father: Yeah, I was afraid of hurting you more than that. That's why I was afraid to act. I was afraid that I might just make things worse. That's why I stayed silent——]

Again, I just stayed silent, unable to say anything. Because his words reminded me of myself all this time.

Wasn't I doing the same thing all the time?

[My Father:——but... Don't compare yourself to me. You're different, you managed to overcome that fear and managed to mend your relationship with your mother and your little sister. That's why... You should be proud of that.]

[Me: You're wrong!]

[My Father: What's wrong?]

[Me: You're wrong about me. I'm just like you. I'm just a coward who can only run away.]

[My Father: But you eventually overcame your fear.]

[Me: It's different! You're different! me different! We are different!]

[My father: you right, we are different. You can face your fear, but i can't.]

[Me: no!no!no! You missundertand this! I managed to do it because there was a push that helped me force myself to go through all of this.]

[My Father: Do you regret having succeeded?]

[Me: No!...No...That's not true...It's just that, I can't be proud of all these achievements. Because it's not really me. I was just helped, like a doll without a will.]

[My Father: You're wrong. You mean to say that your situation was very supportive, right?]

[Me: Yeah, you're right. That's what I meant to say.]

[My Father: If that's what you mean, then you're wrong. You're never right about that.]

[Me: Huh? Why?]

[My Father: Didn't you eventually decide to be brave? What's wrong with having an advantage to achieve something? Do you think someone else might be able to do better than you if that person was in your position?]

[Me: Isn't that true? After all, I'm not smart. I'm also not very good at communicating properly. I'm also a coward who always thinks about running away and wants others to solve my problems. In the end, I'm just lucky.]

My father smiled at me at that moment, then he sat back down and laughed. I was confused and annoyed because I felt like I was being mocked, so I also sat down and stared at him with a sharp look full of annoyance.

[Me: Why are you laughing?]

[My Father: Oh, sorry, it's just that I just realized that this is the first time you and I have talked like this. Even when our relationship was just a lie, we never talked this honestly to each other, did we?]

[Me: If you say so, I'm thinking about it. Was that night the best thing for us?]

[My Father: You're right too, even though that night we were further divided because of your actions. Maybe that was the best way to destroy a relationship full of lies.]

[Me: I-I'm sorry!]

[My Father: Don't apologize, you're not wrong. I said I would take responsibility, didn't I? So... Let this old man, for the first time, be truly responsible as the head of the family.]

[Me: Yeah... You're only responsible for money matters.]

He laughed out loud, I don't know if he was laughing at himself or if he considered my sarcastic remark as a joke. But what I can be sure of is that I believe there was a sense of relief in that laughter.

[My Father: I will accept your hatred. That's why keep hating me. But... If possible... Someday if you feel that I deserve to be considered a parent. I want you to consider me to be your father. This time I want to start over with our family if that's possible.]

After that, silence fell between us. I didn't know what my father was thinking, but I wasn't afraid of the uncertainty anymore. I wasn't afraid of him anymore.

As my father said, maybe this is the best way for our family. Because I wouldn't be able to be happy in a family full of lies. Maybe the best thing for me is to destroy it and make a new one.

Was the suffering and the burden of regret that I've been carrying all this time not in vain?

Of course it wasn't in vain, because I learned a lot from it.

I looked around, it seemed that the people around me changed over time. They didn't pay much attention to me and my father, and I didn't expect anything else. Of course, they have their own lives. They are strangers to me, and to them I am a stranger, and this place is very calming. I believe that every night there are always a few people sitting on the park benches and contemplating their lives or even just because they want to relax alone.

I'm starting to understand why this place is a place for people to learn. This place is far from the hustle and bustle and the cool trees make it feel like being in the wild. The flowers around become decorations at night, beautifying it without looking excessive. Truly a suitable place for contemplation.

That's why I'm starting to understand why my father brought me here. Because this is the place he visits most often. I don't need to be told about it, the way he acts here has made me realize it.

[Me: Do you think our family will be okay?]

[My Father: We will be fine in this situation, and you are the one who created this situation.]

[Me: I’m just tired of running away.]

[My Father: So you think I’ve never been tired of running away?]

[Me: Dad, you’re being very talkative now.]

[My Father: This is the real me.]

[Me: I know. Thank you for granting my wish.]

[My Father: I’m also grateful that you fulfilled my wish.]

[Me: So… can you tell me why you took my eyes?]

[My Father: It’s a pity, I’m not the one who should be telling you this. I’m just watching from afar, as I always do. It hasn’t changed until now.]

[Me: Hmm, so that’s it.]

[My Father: Aren’t you upset?]

[Me: I just want to believe you.]

[My Father: Even though you can’t be sure that I might lie to you again?]

[Me: That’s your decision if you want to do it. Just like my decision to believe you. I just want to open up space for you guys to be honest with me.]

[My Father: But if that’s the case, isn’t it unfair that you’re the only one lying?]

[Me: Huh?]

[My Father: You might think that I don’t know anything. But that’s wrong. Why do you think I’m aware that you’ve started to mend your relationship with Maria and your mother?]

I fell silent, not because I was confused, but because it was an undeniable fact. I knew what he was means, but feeling like I might be mistaken made me ask him back.

[Me: What do you mean?]

[My Father: Show me your neck.]

[Me: Huh?]

[My Father: You want to have a family relationship without lies, right? Then be honest with me about what you’re hiding under that scarf.]

[Me: I’m just cold.]

[My Father: You’ve been wearing it since yesterday, even in the hot afternoon.]

[Me: I’m really fine, Dad.]

[My Father: Your words explain everything.]

[Me: But…]

[My Father: Don’t you want us to be honest with each other? This is what you want. Then why do you refuse to be honest as you wish? Do you really can't trust me?]

I fell silent for a moment, while he kept looking at me, waiting for an answer. Finally, I took a deep breath to gather my courage and answered firmly.

[Me: Yes, I can’t trust you.]

Hearing that, my father’s expression changed from serious to smiling. As he usually did, he hid behind a mask, but this time with a fake smile on his face.

[My Father: I knew your answer from the beginning. But hearing it directly is very painful.]

[Me: I’m sorry…]

[My Father: Don’t apologize. You’re not wrong. Because I understand. To you, I’m just a stranger. No, they might be strangers to you too. But the loneliness and desire to be accepted made you try to make us more than just strangers. But it seems like I’ll always be a stranger to you. Because I understand you too well, just like I understand myself.]

Hearing that made my heart pound. I felt like my father was looking into my soul. All my feelings, desires, and actions that seemed absurd to him, he managed to solve like a puzzle. Making him understand me just by observing.

But there was a feeling of guilt in my heart. Because I didn’t want to be like this. I didn’t want to be a person who couldn’t understand himself.

If I were a character in a novel, I’m sure the readers would be confused by me. It’s like I’m lying all the time. My actions until now feel like nothing but lies.

However, there’s one thing that never changed, and I understand perfectly that it’s what I want. It’s about me wanting to fix this family.

Actually, what I want to fix is not just them, but also my perspective on them, which has fallen so deeply because of my deep disappointment.

But the feeling of wanting change never changed. In the end, I truly want to feel what it’s like to have a “family” like normal people.

Because what I feel right now is only regret and annoyance towards myself. I regret not being able to continue my beautiful dream that made me think that I was the only one who was wrong. I’m annoyed because I can’t accept them perfectly in my heart. In the end, I’m just a hypocritical man who can only say but can’t act right.

[Me: I’m sorry.]

That was the only word I could think of to say to my father. I’ve repeated those words over and over. But I also felt like I didn’t need to say it over and over.

In the end, it wasn’t them who didn’t accept me. It was me who can't accept them.

After that, meaningless small talk continued without any conclusion being reached. We just went round and round like going around the same circle every time we tried to get to know each other.

he tried to comfort me with his words, while I tried to deceive myself again by pretending to slowly start to accept him.

in the end, I realized that my father was the only member of my family that I couldn’t accept in my heart full of lies. Because he couldn’t pretend, he was tired of it. Different with me, who kept trying to deceive myself just to find fake happiness.

After that night, a new question arose in my mind.

Were my mother and my little sister also pretending like me? Or were they just unaware?

I'm afraid that the smile they showed me recently was just a lie. but I also realized that I was doing the same thing all this time.

I'm just a liar after all.