Maria accepted my help, even though she sensed something strange about me. Of course she would be suspicious; I was doing things I shouldn't be able to do. This wasn't my true self, but another self I'd created, a positive version of me. A me that consistently through fear without considering the worst consequences. A me that prioritized others above myself.

I like this version of myself. I feel like I can accomplish anything.

Because of that, i thought Maria's problem wasn't difficult to solve.

After listening to Maria's story in her room, I understood it was a case of defamation that led to her being bullied throughout the school.

She was accused of being a high school girl who sold herself for money. The entire school learned about the rumor. She was even called to the principal's office. Luckily, she received leniency, but today she was supposed to bring her parents to school to discuss her situation.

Maria cried as she told me this. She didn't want her parents to know about this terrible thing she didn't do. But she couldn't fight back or deny it because the evidence was clear: a photo of her holding hands with an elderly man and heading to a hotel together last Thursday.

She explained that she was only helping the old man because he seemed to have difficulty moving and didn't know how to get to the hotel where his family was staying that day.

After seeing the photo, I became even more convinced that Maria was innocent. The old man was indeed very old and was wearing casual clothes suitable for the beach. But one thing puzzled me: the hotel in the photo was the furthest from the nearest beach in the city. This led me to ask for clarification:

"Why was he wearing beach clothes?"

"He said he wanted to go to the beach with his family. But he was late and decided to follow later, letting his family go ahead. He mistakenly thought the beach was nearby, so he chose to walk around and got lost. He asked for directions from people nearby. I happened to be there and couldn't just leave him like that."

Maria's answer was plausible and logical. She didn't seem to be lying and answered without hesitation.

This problem seemed rooted in envy. Maria's popularity made it highly likely. She also frequently rejected boys who tried to date her. That must have created resentment in some people.

I didn't know who did this to Maria or why, but from the beginning, I knew what to do. And I also knew why Maria wanted to commit suicide.

What Maria needed was someone who believed in her. I could play that role well because I truly believed in her. I know how awful it feels to be isolated and lonely. Therefore, I knew I didn't need to solve Maria's problem to prevent her suicide. I just had to prove that I genuinely believed her and stood by her side. That's why I suggested this:

"What if I go to school in place of your parents?"

"Huh? B-but... What if the principal refuses?"

"Don't worry, we just need to create a situation where he can't refuse me as a substitute."

"Huh?... What are you going to do?"

"You don't need to worry about that. Just get ready for school. Leave this problem to me."

"B-but... Explain it to me first!"

"Come on, go take a shower and put on your uniform!"

"Uhmm... Okay..." Her expression was unpleasant to look at. Her beautiful face was clouded by a furrowed brow, worrying about something.

So I told her:

"Don't worry, I'll go to your school with you."

She smiled, then replied, "fine," but soon after, she seemed to realize something and exclaimed in surprise, "Huh? Together?"

"Yes, together. Wait for me in front of the house; I'll catch up," I said, heading towards her bedroom door to get ready as well.

"What about your work? Are you off?"

"No. I'm not off."

"Huh? Are you going to skip?"

"Yeah, you're right."

"B-but!-"

"Relax, you don't need to worry. I just have to lie with another excuse. It's not like I'm skipping without doing anything, right?"

After that, Maria could only remain silent and follow my instructions. Meanwhile, I tried to ignore the guilt I felt towards her, which would surely bother me.

Finally, as planned, I went as her representative. I faced the principal directly. But as Maria had said, I wasn't accepted as a representative. So I told the principal:

"Both of My parents are out of town; they can't be here today."

"Aren't you just trying to protect your little sister? Do you know what your little sister did? This is defamation of the school!"

"Do you believe that rumor?"

"Huh?"

"Did you see my little sister do it with your eyes?"

"There's a photo."

"So, if I were in that photo right now, would you say I'm also selling myself to that old man?"

"Ahaha, maybe. After all, you're her brother, right? Why are you siding with her? Do you know what she always says about you?——"

That question made me a little curious. I looked at Maria, who looked anxious, and finally understood. Even before the principal said it, I had already guessed.

"——She always says bad things about you. She says you're trash, that you shouldn't have been born, or something like that. Or maybe it's all true? Are you just being a hypocrite in front of your little sister? Why?"

"For myself. I do it because I want to. You might be right, I want to be acknowledged by her, as a brother."

"Wow... Disgusting. Maria spread rumors that you ruined her life. Is that true?"

I paused for a moment then answered, "That's true."

"Ahahaha, I figured you two were really close siblings. You're both societal trash. The big brother is a troublemaker, and the little sister is a slut. You're both is a perfect family, aren't you?"

After that, I received the principal's abuse until he finally called my home phone. Unfortunately, I had already cut all the home phone wires with scissors. It was the only way to prevent the school from contacting our parents.

In the end, the principal believed that my parents were out of town. But he immediately told me to go home because he felt he had said what should have been discussed.

I understood what my parents would feel if they were in this situation. I just wasn't sure they wouldn't take their anger out on Maria afterward. But... all this made me realize that even if I solved this case, Maria would still be in a school where the teachers were bad adults.

I even saw how the teachers taught there. Most of them just made their students memorize books and gave them tests. Even when I saw some teachers explaining something, they explained what was already clearly written in the book. There was no intention to teach; they were just workers tired of their repetitive work every year. That's why I thought that solving Maria's problem wasn't a good solution. Because even if it worked, Maria would still be in a bad environment.

Friends who didn't support each other, teachers who had no intention of teaching, and even a principal who dared to belittle students and student representatives just because he had someone he could rely on when he was cornered or had problems. Because there were rumors that the investors had more power than the principal himself.

All of that make me change my mind.

"Then I'll go to class first, brother——" Maria said, looking around anxiously at the people around her.

Meanwhile, I just stayed silent and pulled her hand. She had no reason to study at this school anymore. I didn't want her to experience this kind of treatment just because of envy or a simple misunderstanding.

"——O-oi! What are you doing, brother? I have to go to class soon!"

She looked anxious, but she didn't resist at all because I was sure that deep down, she wanted someone to take her away. Because I had been in her shoes, only no one had pulled my hand.

She kept chattering and trying to look really angry. But slowly, her voice softened, not because of pain, but because she began to realize her true desires.

In the midst of that atmosphere, I took her home on my motorcycle. She was calm and simply accepted her fate.

"Maria, do you have any friends at that school?" I asked her.

"Why are you asking that?"

"Just curious."

"Hmm...——"

She paused for a moment, as if thinking about something. There was a possibility she would lie; I knew that. But in this situation, I was sure she wouldn't. Because I was the only person by her side. But if she lied, it didn't matter to me. It would mean there were still other people by her side besides me.

"——What do you think, brother?"

"Why are you asking me back?"

"I don't understand."

"You doubt?"

"Ah... That's right, maybe I doubt."

"You doubt yourself? Or they?"

"Maybe... Both..."

"Does that mean you have a friend who seems to believe that you are a victim of false accusations?"

"They told me to my face that they didn't believe it. But... I can't know if they didn't gossip behind my back."

"Oh... I'm a little relieved to hear that."

"Huh? What do you mean? You like me being a loner like you?"

"Ahaha, you might be right, deep down I do."

"Huh? You're Really a coward."

"You right about me, But what I mean right now isn't about whether I like it or not."

"Then what?" Maria's tone became heavier with annoyance.

"I just realized that you don't have any chains holding you back from leaving this shit school——"

Maria looked surprised to hear that, but she just stayed silent and understood. She didn't ask further what I meant. I was sure that deep down, she was also thinking the same thing. It's just that our parents were a huge obstacle for her.

But this time was different; I was with her. I wasn't carrying the same burden as her; I was just trying to lighten that burden from her shoulders. I only needed a little more push for her by saying:

"——I'll talk to Dad."

Maria was silent for a moment, looking at me. I'm sure she was thinking about the strangeness that happened to me all of a sudden. Although for me, it took almost half a year for me to take the right path.

I don't know if this will end well. I also don't care if the loop will still happen. At least I have to find a way to help Maria. And about the loop, I can find out about it later.

Maria bowed her head, I don't know what she was thinking about me and her situation at that moment. But afterward, she smiled. Although she didn't smile at me, I felt the warmth of her smile. It was a form of hope, growing in her heart over time, making me realize that I had truly chosen the right path this time.

I also smiled, feeling satisfied with what I do. But Suddenly surprised because Maria said something I never expected from her. I even doubted that she would be able to say it to me. Because what she said was:

"Thank you, brother."

I was confused about how to respond, but my heart was so happy that I unconsciously smiled because of it. feeling that my lips were moving, I held my cheeks even though I already knew what I was doing.

i'm smiling.

My smile grew wider because of the feeling of satisfaction that enveloped my heart at that moment.

Tonight, I slept soundly with confidence that tomorrow is not today anymore.

"Ughh... Urrrgggh..."

My neck hurts, my eyes are still closed because I haven't even woken up yet. But this time I feel that this is different, making me aware that I have managed to get through the loop. However, that something different is very disturbing. It makes it hard for me to breathe for some reason.

"Dieeeee!"

Someone's scream makes me realize that I am being choked by someone. That explains why my neck hurts so much. I just don't dare to open my eyes because I already know who is choking me.

After all, I can't possibly not recognize my own family's voice.

I start to hope that I am wrong. I'd rather be choked by a hitman than by the person I am thinking about right now. Because that person seems very kind to me, always appearing to bear the burden alone, and never giving up trying to fix our increasingly loose family ties. That person is my mother.

I open my eyes and finally see my mother trying to choke me while crying.

"If only you didn't exist! Hiks... Hiks..."

"..."

"Do you want to ruin Maria's life even more!?"

"..."

I am not angry, I am not sad, I have no desire to fight back; I just silently stare into her eyes. One thing I know right now is that I just feel disappointed.

I feel disappointed, not because I feel deceived by her kindness, but because I can finally see firsthand how heavy the burden my mother has been carrying all this time. Because deep down in my heart, I had hoped that she would carry that burden alone until she and I parted ways one day.

Those red eyes, I see eyes full of guilt, sadness, disappointment, and also anger mixed within them. Staring at me with hatred and doubt in her heart.

That doubt comes from her still having a human side within her.

What does it mean to kill someone?

Once humanity remembers the meaning of that question, other questions arise.

Why do you kill someone?

Because there is no human who does not have a reason, even to do something as trivial as walking.

The more humans think, the more they overthink, and the more doubt envelops their hearts. As expected, my mother is using an inefficient method to kill; my eyes that look resigned to life surely make her feel pity.

In the end, she runs away as fast as she can.

"Waii-waii-waaii-waaaa...!"

I chase after her quickly while holding my aching neck. But my still unstable breath hinders my swift run. Until I lose her as she escapes the house through the door.

Maria and my father are not home in the morning. Unlike usual, they didn't even have breakfast together. Because my father had to postpone going to work to go to Maria's school to prepare a few things so she could transfer schools.

In the end, Maria and I agreed to tell my father about what happened. But not my mother. Because I am sure my mother would do something crazy at Maria's school if she found out about Maria.

My mother is someone who will not back down from what she believes in. When others try to justify their wrongs, she will act like a child and raise her voice. Until she eventually explodes and destroys everything she can.

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

Just like now, it seems my mother realizes something strange about Maria and causes a misunderstanding. In the end, she blames me for something she doesn't even fully understand. A foolish yet very human action. Because I would surely suspect myself if I were in her position. It's just that her impatience makes her act without thinking. Ending with her almost killing me.

On my way to the bathroom, I look in the mirror. Witnessing my neck that was almost destroyed and the two clear handprints there. Even my throat feels shattered inside, making it hard for me to speak or breathe normally.

But for now, I am more worried about my mother's whereabouts after she ran away. Seeing her eyes just moments ago makes me doubt that she will return without being picked up by someone. Therefore, I prepare to wear my casual clothes and go out to look for her.

While searching for her, I realize that I truly do not know anything about my mother. I only know her as a mother trying to mend family ties while holding back her slowly crumbling mental state due to loneliness.

I don't even know the places she usually visits, or even simple things like her favorite food. It shows how loose my relationship with her is.

But I still try to search by walking around the house. Asking neighbors nearby. And continuously following their directions while trying to predict where my mother has run off to.

While searching for her, I learn from people on the street that my mother indeed looks like she's sweating, just as I suspected. She just smiles at them as she usually does. However, some people notice that her smile and greetings seem insincere, and she looks like she wants to run away quickly.

After that, I am finally sure that my mother is someone who does not want to be pitied by others. Covering her heart with her demeanor, she adapts to the environment by lying. Lying to others and also to herself to gain a temporary comfort that she knows does not solve anything.

I am sure she also realizes that what she's doing is just running away. Running away does not solve the problem; it only delay it. Because eventually, one day you have to face your problems unless you die.

However, I doubt there is a human who can bear that burden alone until they die. Because right now I understand after going through that phase.

If there were no loop happening, maybe I would still be trapped in fear. The loop became the thing that gave me a chance by forcing me to face my problems.

That's why I am sure my mother can also face her problems. It's just that there needs to be something or someone to support her. Because humans cannot live alone. Humans are social beings, where they live depending on one another.

But I realize, it is not me who should support my mother right now. Unlike Maria, I only helped her resolve the issues at school. But this time it's different because the source of my mother's problem is me.

I immediately think of my father, but I am still too scared of him. That's why I think Maria might be able to do it.

But for now, I need to do something about my mother first.

I find her sitting alone at a café, sipping a drink. However, she is crying, making my movements stop as I choose to observe from a distance.

Not long after, a man with a mask and a red hoodie appears.

I can't hear their conversation. I can only understand that my mom is talking about something that makes her sad because she is crying. However, not long after, my mother looks angry, grabbing the collar of the man's shirt as if forcing him to do something I don't know.

I approach because I want to hear their conversation more clearly. But before I can do that, I feel a blow to my head from behind, and I faint.

I don't know how much time has passed; I don't know anything and suddenly wake up in front of two masked men. I am very sure that one of them is the person who met my mother earlier because he is wearing the same red hoodie.

I look around and find myself in a room of someone I don't recognize.

"Hey... What are you doing? Are you kidnapping this person?" says the one in the red hoodie.

"Of course not! I saw him doing something suspicious."

"Suspicious?"

"Yeah, he looked like he was eavesdropping on your conversation with client."

"Hmm," slowly the red hoodie guy leans closer to me.

Making me scared and trying to run away. But I finally realize that I am tied up, only to find it strange that I didn't notice I was tied to a chair from the beginning.

Finally, I also realize that my body feels numb right now. My sense of touch seems to have vanished. I am very tired for no clear reason. My breath is irregular, and I feel that my emotions are very unstable right now.

Panic happens every second, making my hearing and vision weaken.

Even the drowsiness I feel right now is very confusing. Because I shouldn't be sleepy after sleeping all night and fainting for a while. I have rested more than enough from what a human needs.

"I know this guy," says the one in the red hoodie.

"Really?"

"Yeah, just let him go. After all, from that distance, there's no way he could hear you."

"But what if he becomes a problem and harms us?"

"Haaa? What can an ordinary kid like him do? He's just a rebellious child."

"Isn't he just worried about his mom?"

"You call it worry; I call it distrust."

"Anyway, I don't really care. Do you really want this guy released?"

"Yeah, it's fine."

"But—" his friend looks hesitant.

"David!——" the red hoodie guy starts to stare at his friend.

His friend, who finally gives in and agrees, can only sigh and look down.

"——We're not killers, David," says the red hoodie guy.

"Fine, I'll comply. Just know, if something bad happens, you're the one who take responsibility."

"That's fine."

"Good——"

After that, his friend takes turns with the red hoodie guy to look at my face closely.

"——Be grateful you still have family, you bastard!"

After that, I am punched until I faint. When I come to, I find myself in front of my house.

Not long after, my father, mother, and Maria look shocked to see me. I don't question why they are not inside the house. Because I am too tired, I am so tired, I don't know why I am so tired for no reason.

My body feels strange, even when my mother hugs me now, I still don't feel her warmth.

Seeing Maria, who is also crying, makes me feel even more panicked and exhausted.

I still don't dare to look at my father's face, making this situation completely uncontrollable.

I start to vomit; I panic, I vomit because of the panic, and I don't even know why; it's just that the mixed feelings make my panic worsen.

In the end, I slowly close my eyes, thinking I will faint; that's why I look at my family's faces for the last time and smile. Because in those last moments, I realize that they truly care about me. After that, I close my eyes and feel better because of that.

At that moment, i just hope i can go back to the day when maria planning her suicide. Because what i need right now is maria's help. I need maria talk to our mother and explain the misunderstanding while hoping that it can also be an encouragement for their relationship to improve.

As expected, covering up the truth is not a good thing. after all, I have felt what it feels like to be in the position of someone who doesn't know the real truth.

After that, the situation becomes strange. my neck starts hurting again. I know what I feel at that moment. my condition suddenly improves, and I can think clearly. I open my eyes and see my mother's face again, but this time she is choking me with her red eyes while crying, her face looking angry but also showing doubt in her eyes.

I quickly realize my situation and mumble while holding the pain in my neck:

"A-a-akhh-ssss-sooo I-I'm d-die...?"

Once upon a time, I knew nothing of the world. At the tender age of four, my world consisted only of a white room and a few children's toys. I wasn't alone; other children, seemingly my age, were there too.

They played like fools, together. Unlike me, I only watched from afar. Even when adults tried to engage me in play, I pretended not to notice them. Even when they persistently spoke to me, I feigned deafness. Day after day, they called me "the deaf one."

I didn't mind; it made others give up trying to talk to me before they even started. But that was only at the beginning. As time went on, as I began to let go of my past, I developed a longing to play like the other children. However, I was too afraid of being called a liar, having lied for so long, that the fear paralyzed me, making me even more withdrawn. I was too ashamed to act.

So, I spent my time playing games that occupied my mind, strategic games like chess, which allowed me to escape reality, even of it's only for a moment.

One day, I discovered the truth: the place I was in was an orphanage. I saw one of the children being taken away by an adult who had decided to adopt them.

I didn't care much. I was living comfortably enough: free meals, a comfortable bed, and all day to play.

But as time wore on, boredom set in. Even when a child approached and invited me to play, it was always childish games. I pretended to join in, but the next day, they wouldn't ask me again. I began to think I was bad at playing. From the start, I knew I couldn't play and smile and have fun like the other kids. Because in the past, when I did, my whole family disappeared.

Perhaps that's why, unconsciously, I avoided the games other children played. I felt responsible for what happened in the past. after all, I could only cry when I realized I was the cause.

Therefore, I remained solitary and withdrawn, until one day, a man came and looked at me without saying anything. He's my father now, he adopted me without my consent. I didn't rebel; I simply didn't care, thinking it might be the best course for me.

However, I lost sight in my left eye shortly afterward. I don't know why; I didn't think much about it, but I realized my new parents were involved. I don't know how, I was suddenly sedated, and when I woke up, it was too late.

"I owe you, I'll make sure you're raised like a normal child."

I wasn't stupid enough not to understand the situation after my father said that. The debt was my left eye, the reward was being raised as his child.

The only thought that crossed my mind from that moment on was:

"Wouldn't it have been better if I'd stayed at the orphanage?"

Initially, I didn't understand, but as time passed, I realized my parents could be imprisoned for violating my rights. I hadn't agreed to any of this. But I also realized that the reason they were still safe was because my mother was a doctor.

After that, I started to wonder.

"Why was my left eye taken?"

Sadly, I never know the answer until now.

One day, my patience wore thin. I was tired of their treatment, their apparent rejection of me. That's when I finally confronted them with the anger I had suppressed for so long.

During a family dinner, four years ago, on a night I wish I could forget.

"Father, why did you take my left eye?"

Everyone stopped eating. Maria, my father, and mother stared at me.

My father stood up and tried to take my hand, saying, "Let's talk privately."

"No! I don't want any more secrets. I'm tired of your lies!"

"Son? What's wrong with you?" my mother asked, her face a mask of worry.

"Stop putting on that false face! I know you're not worried about me at all!"

"W-what are you saying, son? I'm truly worried about you!"

"Then why did you take my left eye!?"

"I-it's...", my mother fell silent, clearly hiding something.

"See that? You can't explain it to me. You're always lying! You're always lying to me! Do you think I'm just a doll you can play with? I'm a human being!"

Maria, who had been silent until now, slammed her fist on the table, standing up, tears streaming down her face. I was shocked and confused.

"Would you be satisfied if your eye was returned?" Maria asked, her voice trembling with unshed tears.

"Th-that's not the point!"

"Then what is?"

"I-I just want the truth! Tell me!"

"Alright, I will tell you!"

But before Maria could say anything, my father stopped her, slamming his fist on the table and shouting, "Stop it!"

My mother looked frightened and frustrated. my father looked angry but was trying to restrain himself. and Maria looked shocked and sad. I didn't understand why they were reacting like this.

Wasn't I the victim here? Why did they seem more distressed than I was?

I saw my mother clutching her chest, trying to calm herself, and pulling Maria away from the table to upstairs. My father took me to the living room, where I immediately understood he wanted to talk to me alone.

After observing the situation, thinking, and trying to understand, I realized I wasn't the problem; I was the problem. Strangely, I wasn't bothered by the loss of my eye, but I wanted to fix this broken family by revealing the truth. Because a family built on lies can never be happy.

I thought that clearing up this misunderstanding would make the family better. Instead, I unknowingly made things worse. Eventually, I realized that I was the real problem.

That's why I just sat there and looked at my father. My father also looked at me and remained silent. He clearly wanted to say something. I was prepared for the consequences, I even thought I might be thrown out. But I was wrong. My father ran away without saying anything, leaving me alone in the living room, while he sighed and left the house, only returning the next morning. Since then, my father became withdrawn, even more closed than before.

Returning to the dining room that night, I saw the scattered food, the mess on the table – all because of me.

I was hungry, and I assumed everyone else was too, but no one touched the dinner table for weeks. We ate alone in our rooms until one day, my mother tried to bring us back together at the dinner table, coaxing us.

But there was no conversation filled with lies as usual. There was only silence and my mother's rambling about strange and random things. I realized she was trying to break the silence, but I was too afraid to help, feeling I was no longer accepted in this house.

However, it seemed my father had kept his promise to me. I didn't know when I would be kicked out of this house, but I thought it would happen when he felt he had fulfilled his promise to me from the past.

Since then, I've pretended not to notice my mother's continuous efforts to repair our family bonds. She didn't give up on me. Although I doubted it was just another form of hypocrisy, I just always hoped she truly accepted me.

But seeing their worried faces before I died on the doorstep made me realize. I was never unwelcome in this family. it was only my perception.

But that didn't change the fact that I destroyed my family for the second time. Only this time, they didn't disappear like my previous family.

Therefore, now, specifically after I rewound time and returned to the moment when my mother was choking me, what I wanted from her wasn't for her to stop. What I wanted was for her to know that I regretted my actions.

I can't ask Maria for help, because it seems like I can't go back to yesterday again. this situation is the worst for me now. makes me despair even though I don't want to give up. That's why I'm so desperate that all I can think about now are simple thing. I want to be understood

I fought back with whatever strength I had left. Although I was weakening, my breath ragged, I kept trying, also fighting back tears.

But in the end, I couldn't break free. I could only try to say, "I'm sorry," but to no avail. My throat was injured from her chokehold.

I tried to find another way, looking around the room. But I realized I couldn't do anything.

Then I remembered that I was a novelist. I had some paper in the drawer of my desk in my room. But at that moment, I was no longer thinking about escaping. All I wanted with that paper was for my mother to understand that I regretted what I had done.

However, I realized I couldn't do anything, causing me to cry instantly.

Faster than the previous loop, my mother released me, falling silent and not running away like before. She looked surprised by my sudden outburst of tears. In that brief moment, the only thing I thought about was preventing my mother from leaving the room. I ran to the door, locked it, and threw the key out the window.

That surprised and frightened my mother, who thought I might do something bad.

But I only wanted one thing, and it hadn't changed since the previous loop.

So I walked, pressing on my neck to ease the pain, crying my heart out. I didn't care if I was called a crybaby, a coward with poor social skills, a troublemaker.

I still took the paper from my desk drawer and wrote the words:

"I'm sorry."

I stood there, showing the note to my terrified mother at the door. I just stared at her with a smile, hoping she would understand me just like I wanted.

My mother was panicked at first, banging on the door and constantly fearing me. I knew what she was thinking, she was afraid I would retaliate. But she was wrong about me, it showed that my mother didn't understand me at all.

It didn't matter, she could start learning about me, just like I wanted to learn about my family now. I wanted to understand them, and I wanted them to understand me. That way, I was sure our family would be fine.

"W-what do you want!?" My mother said, with a body language that was still wary and a voice that trembled.

I was sure the guilt, fear, and hatred in her heart, all mixed together, made her doubt one side over the other. Making her, at this moment, have to fight with her morality as a human being because of her extreme actions towards me before.

That's why I took the pen again, writing again on the blank part of the paper with the words:

"I'm not angry."

Because I realized that I wouldn't be afraid of someone who wasn't angry. It's just that guilt is the one thing that can't be erased even if I give her the words "I forgive you."

Besides, I actually thought that I should be the one apologizing. The source of all the problems in this family.

But my mother still looked wary, she really didn't believe me. After all, I understand that I was very strange, because I should be angry at her and harbor a desire for revenge. Making me even more convinced that my mother really didn't understand me.

It's my fault too for closing myself off. That's why no one can understand me. As is known, communication is important for a relationship to continue well.

I tried to say something so my mother would understand that I couldn't speak. But it just made her guilt grow stronger and made her end up crying while constantly saying the same thing, which is:

"I'm sorry."

When someone feels like they can't escape from a problem anymore, they will show another side of themselves that they have been hiding all this time. That's why I felt that those tears and words were a sincerity that she gave me.

But I didn't need that. That's why I wrote again on another blank piece of paper:

"I don't need the word 'sorry'"

Making my mother feel guilty again. At the same time, making me panic because of it and quickly rushing to write the next sentence:

"I just want us to understand each other."

Making my mother a little calmer but also confused by the situation. Seeing the situation getting better, I smiled and wrote the next word:

"I want to fix our family."

Clarifying what I meant, my mother finally understood and looked me in the eye for real this time. Not with a look full of hatred, not with a hypocritical look full of worry, it was just a look where she started to understand me little by little. Creating calmness in her heart and also mine. That's why, to emphasize my determination, I wrote one last thing, the most important thing to me, the thing I most wanted to do in this world right now, which is:

"I want to fix what I've broken."

My mother, who was calm at that time, started to think and slowly made wrinkles on her forehead. She looked at my face again after turning her face away several times to think clearly, then asked:

"Why?"

I didn't quite understand at first, I thought she was questioning why it had to be now and why I didn't do it before. That's why I wrote again the word I wanted to say to her, which is:

"I know I'm wrong."

Then continue it on another piece of paper:

"I should have done it sooner."

Until the final conclusion of my explanation:

"I was too afraid of you and also the future where there's a possibility that I would make our situation worse."

The more I continued the sentences I wrote, the more I saw a look full of sadness directed at me. I didn't quite understand whether it was pity or guilt or even just sadness at thinking about our family's condition. It's just that my mother looked very hard at something with a serious face and also looked sad.

But she just looked at me, silent with that look while observing me. Until one time her gaze stopped at my neck then cried afterwards and covered her face to cover her tears while bowing her head to the floor and said:

"I'm sorry... Hic... Hic..."

Seeing that, I could only remain silent. I didn't have the right to help her stand up, because I was the reason why she was like that. I was the one who made her feel the dilemma of hatred and guilt at the same time towards me. That's why I felt I didn't have the right to do it.

Meanwhile, she started to sit down and slide herself closer to the wall then leaned against it crying while contemplating her bitter life.

I could have given her words to cheer her up. But if it came from me, then it would be in vain, because I am the problem she has.

But my desire to fix everything didn't change. It's just that now I realize that I can't do it alone. Without the help of my family, I won't be able to fix our situation. Because we are all involved, it is impossible for a relationship to be fixed without the help of the people involved.

That's why I know what I have to do now. I don't need words of encouragement to be given to my mother. Not words to eliminate the temporary sadness she has right now. but the words I need are actually simpler than the meaning behind them, which is:

"Help me."

I looked at her with a smile to give her a sense of comfort. But she didn't look at me at all because she was busy with her tears. That's why I slowly approached her, trying not to startle her, I slowly patted her shoulder to let her know that "I'm here" without saying it with my mouth which couldn't function normally.

When she started to realize my presence, which was right in front of her while she was bowing her head, I showed her the paper containing the message I wrote earlier.

Seeing those words made my mother confused and she looked at both of my faces with a look full of questions. Even without her saying anything, I could understand because she wasn't trying to close herself off like she usually did. This time she was really open to her feelings, me, and herself. Making me happy and smiling because of it.

I quickly ran and took all the papers there and put them in front of my mother. After that, I tried to explain what I wanted to do all this time right in front of her directly. She kept looking at me who writing with an enthusiastic face, while she was still with a stiff face and a face full of tear marks looking at me but also starting to forget the reason why she was crying.

What I wanted all along hasn't changed, which is to be someone who doesn't hurt anyone anymore. But it doesn't mean I forget my past, I actually have to face it. Because without being able to face my past, it's impossible for me to be someone I want while holding the burden of regret from the past that keeps bothering my thoughts every second.

I finished paper after paper to explain the contents of my mind full of hope at this time. While continuing to smile and ignoring the pain in my neck, I continued to move my pen. Without realizing it, slowly but surely, my mother began to understand what I wanted, what I expected, and who I really was.

All humans basically have a side that is covered up from others. It's a normal and common thing to do, but not something that's right to do. Because a human being won't be able to know something without being told what it is. Even when a baby, someone has to be taught what it is to stand on two feet by their parents so they understand that they can use their legs to stand.

Even though she hesitated to speak to me, my mother finally said something other than words full of hatred or guilt, the word was:

"You don't hate this family?"

"No, I want to love it," I replied in writing.

After that, I calmed my mother down while continuing to chat with her in the living room using paper and pen. The limitations I have on my throat didn't make me give up communicating with my mother, who was currently panicking, didn't know what to do, and was also experiencing excessive stress. What she needed right now was someone who could accompany her all the time until she calmed down. That's why for the first time, she and I told each other honestly, without any false feelings and also a deceitful smile.

We talked about a lot of things, including her who turned out to be addicted to tranquilizers. Making me finally understand that the medicine in the bathroom that I destroyed yesterday was my mother's, not Maria's.

She also explained that she started doing illegal transactions for the same reason because she had been quietly stealing medicine from her own workplace for too long, making her worry if one day she would be caught red-handed by her colleagues who were starting to suspect her.

This made me understand why I died in the previous loop. I was very sure that at that time I was in a condition of drug overdose, and it seems that it was not only ordinary tranquilizers that were given to me. I don't know what it is, because when I woke up I was already in front of the house door and could only sit while being hugged by my family who didn't know me who was just waiting for death.

Knowing that made me understand that Maria attempted suicide without pain medication.

The tranquilizers were always used by my mother to deal with her excessive stress every day. Making me realize that the reason why I ended up being strangled by her was my own fault for destroying her tranquilizers. Making my mother lose control because of emotions that couldn't be borne alone, she finally sought another outlet, which was myself.

My mother kept apologizing for hiding this and also for her actions. But I never hated her or was angry because of it. Because I understood, that's why I forgave her, so there was no reason for me to hate her.

Until noon arrived, Dad and Maria came home after taking care of their business in the morning.

I decided to cover up the incident, trying to wear clothes that made my neck invisible to cover up the truth. After all, my mother could go to jail if this information spread widely, attempted murder and also illegal transactions. There are enough reasons for my mother to be jailed even if I give my opinion in court that I don't have a problem with what happened.

It doesn't mean I don't want to trust Dad and Maria. It's just that I can't trust them. Because in the end, I can still see a great distance between myself and them. That's why I chose the path of lies.

All my efforts were not in vain, because I could see tomorrow without any loops happening. Even though there was a little guilt in my heart for not being able to trust my own family.

Two days with the loop have passed, and now everything is back to normal. Maria started greeting me in the morning, even though there's still some awkwardness between us, but it's still a good start. Meanwhile, my mother started preparing lunch for me and Maria with a different kind of smile than usual, a genuine smile filled with hope and sincerity for the person receiving it.

Only my father remains the same, sometimes looking at me from afar and just silently observing. But this time, it wasn't just me, but also Maria, who now has a smile on her face. Even my mother, who has become quieter than usual.

"What's wrong with you guys? Did something happen while I was not here?" My father asked as we ate breakfast together.

We all thought the same thing and answered, "Nothing," while smiling.

My father, seeing our response, seemed surprised, but then he looked like he was disappointed about something. He then fell silent and returned to staring at his phone, citing an abundance of work.

Seeing that made me even more convinced that I had to talk to my father openly. But now wasn't the right time. That's why I decided to do it after he got home from work.

For now, I decided to go back to work as usual. While Maria went to her new school.

Dad left for work as usual, and Mom waited at home alone, taking care of things around the house, waiting for all of us to return.

The difference wasn't that big, but it was enough to make me happy. Because I realized that I could go to work with a smile on my face for the first time.

When I first walked into my workplace, I felt a sense of nostalgia. I didn't expect to miss this place so much, a place that made me feel like I was doing the same thing every day.

But when I thought about it again, working at this convenience store wasn't as bad as I thought. I realized I was just bored. Because I realized that this place had been the only place where I could escape from reality. Because I could be my smiley self, even if I had to intentionally make mistakes.

But this time was different, I didn't see this place as an escape anymore. Because I didn't need to do that anymore. In my heart, I promised to make this place my second home.

"Where were you on Monday, huh?" My boss's voice boomed.

His voice was so loud, I also saw some of my colleagues trying to hold back their laughter, while I just smiled there, enjoying the scolding from my boss that I hadn't heard in a long time.

I made up an excuse that I was sick and slept all day on Monday. I recovered the next day, but I was off on Tuesday. That's why I forgot to tell my boss afterwards.

He stopped being angry, not because of the little lie I explained on the papers I carried in my bag. But because he was more curious about why I couldn't speak. I made up another excuse, that I actually had a sore throat and had surgery on Monday.

I felt guilty, my boss even stopped being angry and forgave me. But this was the only way to make sure everything I had done so far wouldn't be in vain.

Even though only two days have passed, I felt like I had gone through half a year. Without realizing it, I saw the world from a different perspective than before. It was as if the world had changed drastically in two days. But I also realized that it wasn't the world that changed, but me.

Even that day's work didn't feel heavy at all, because I could laugh freely as usual, joking around even while working.

My small salary didn't discourage me, because I was surrounded by people I could consider friends.

Even though I knew that some of them must be hiding their dark sides. I also realized that one day I might be disappointed after realizing it. But there was no point in worrying about something that might not happen.

The future is indeed terrifying, because humans are always afraid of something they don't know. That's why humans are always learning new things to reduce their fear of the unknown. However, it is impossible for humans to learn about the future, because even if you know the future, you can't necessarily change it once it has happened. Because the one who can determine the future is yourself in the present.

You can't change the past that has happened. But you can change the future that hasn't happened yet. But it depends on yourself in the present.

The past is just the past, you won't be able to face the unknown future if you can't face the past that you already know. Because the past is where we learn so that we don't make the same mistakes in the future.

The past and the future are indeed two different things in every aspect. But except for one thing, they can't be faced if we don't try to face them in the present. Because the past is just the past, the future is unknown, but the present is where we live.

Learn from the past, control the future, enjoy the present. Two very long days, but in those two days, I was able to learn this. Things that can make me keep moving forward, facing the sad past and the unknown future. As long as I remember this lesson, I think my life will be fine from now on.

I don't know who made me stuck in this loop. I also don't know if their intention was bad or good. But there's one thing I want to say to them, and that thing is:

"Thank you."

Thank you to them, because of them I can start to forgive myself.

Thank you to them, because of them I can fix what I have destroyed.

Thank you to them, because of them I can understand what true happiness and sincerity without deceit are.

I can say that today is the best day I've ever had. Not because I'm lucky, or because something good happened, but because I can feel the satisfaction in my heart for the first time in my life.

I could even go home smiling all the way. for the first time in my life, I really wanted to get home quickly and meet my family.

I experienced a lot of firsts today. Making me feel like this is a very beautiful day.

Even though I know my family is still hiding something from me. But I believe in them that I will be told the secret they are hiding.

All I have to do is keep opening myself up until they are not afraid to open themselves up to me as well.

Just like I lied to my boss about skipping work on Monday. Everyone must have things to hide from others. And I can't tell the real story to someone I don't trust.

That's why I'm going to give my family a reason to trust me. That way, I'm sure they'll tell me even when I don't ask them.

That's why I don't care about it. In fact, I'm very sure that nothing will change even if I already know the real truth about what they're hiding from me.

"I just have to trust and wait," I thought at the time, convincing myself before entering the house, which now felt very warm, unlike usual.

While walking to my room, I saw Maria playing games and inviting me to play with her, even though she was still fumbling when inviting me. My mother, who was preparing dinner, saw this and smiled in the kitchen, enjoying the sight she was seeing.

When I realized the big change in the house, I paused for a moment to enjoy it.

"Ah... I did it, this is what I've always wanted," I thought.

After that, I wrote a word on a piece of paper:

"I'll change my clothes first."

I showed the writing to Maria and she smiled and replied, "Okay, hurry up and change your clothes! Don't make me wait!"

It was very clear that she was starting to feel less awkward around me. Slowly but surely, our bond as siblings was starting to reconnect. I'm sure it's the same with my mother.

But now I realize, there's one family member besides the two of them who hasn't made any progress towards me, my father.

My relationship with my father is still like a tangled rope that could break at any moment, but keeps trying to hold on.

But for now, I choose to enjoy my time with Maria playing games.

Even though I have to face questions about why I always wear a scarf around my neck even though the weather isn't cold.

I just made up an excuse that I just wanted to look cool like the manga character I recently read.

Hearing that made her laugh, but she also believed me, saying, "You're changed. You're back to your old self. So you really decided to be yourself again, huh?"

I answered her with writing on a piece of paper:

"You're right."

But actually, she's not right, she's not wrong either. It's just another misunderstanding.

I never changed, I've always been myself, it's just that I closed myself off when I was at home, and I was myself when I was away from home. The reason is simple, because I thought at the time that I wasn't accepted in this house.

But after realizing that it was all just my thinking, I started thinking:

"It seems like it's okay for me to be myself."

Making me reach a good conclusion, creating a strong mindset, which ended up pushing me to be more eager to open myself up to others from now on.