Trust is the absence of doubt for someone or even something else. The ability to predict what another person will do, or at least not fear what they do.

Trust can be formed around rigidity. The banks are a rigid structure held in place by bureaucracy and the threat of chaos if they would be untrustworthy.

Fear and doubt are the opposites of trust.

Recently I came upon the thought that the term "fear of the unknown" is wrong, and the more correct way of thinking about it is that you can only fear what you know. You don't fear darkness because you don't know what's in it, but because you know there might be something in it and you can't see it.

The difference is that you learn to fear things. And you also learn to distrust. When you're a child your parents are your god, you trust them with your essence, and you have to, the other option is to touch the stove that's hot and walk off the cliff edge.

Trust isn't gained, it is only lost, sometimes through no fault of your own. Sometimes the knowledge of one's betrayal is assumed to be applicable to everyone similar. Yet dismissing knowledge of possibility is naive. So if you're the one betrayed by everyone you know, how are you to trust someone.

The opposite of losing trust, to me at least, is just getting used to things going to shit.

Also, who the fuck though Santa Claus was a good idea? Maybe the idea is to teach the child to question even the commonly accepted ideas? But in my mind it just erodes the trust at a very young age. Do all cultures have a common mistrust causing story?

Self doubt is creative. Or at least if you doubt your own ideas, you are less stuck in already preconceived ideas.

The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

Self doubt has a problem, if you can't trust yourself, how can you do anything? How can you trust that any plan you have is done by you. If you get used to not getting anything done, why ever try anything anymore. Maybe that's why mania exists, you get so tired of not doing anything that you just do everything you can think of.

I personally have gotten tired of trusting myself with anything. I still try to do things once in a while, but mostly I'm just tired of ever trying anything. Tired of knowing that whatever I want to do will be fucked by myself at some point. Yesterday I wanted to both code and write a chapter, and ended up binge watching 10 hours worth of marvel movies instead. If I can't even do the things I want to do, how can I ever trust myself to do the things I don't want to.

So whenever I feel like I want to stop existing I just stop thinking, I turn to escapism. Because I already know that thinking does fuck all by then. I'll think when I want to.

There's probably a lot wrong with me, too bad, I exist out of spite.

Hopefully i'll eventually help at least someone. If not on purpose, then accidentally. Maybe someone will look at me and say "I don't want to be like him" and live a better life than I am. Please do.

Every ant colony has a lazy ant, If that lazy ant is killed some other ant will become lazy. Not that I think laziness is an actual goal of anyone, just a side effect of circumstance.

I've lived so far while being "lazy", fuck all of you, I'll live till I stop living. No matter how "lazy" you are, you can live. So I'll live the time I do, however the fuck I want. Now there's a rigid structure to trust, existence. I trust that I exist. I know I do, and I don't know of not existing. I've personally never died so far, so I'm not afraid of it.

Faith and trust have a lot in common. Faith in most religions is trusting that you live forever, trusting the word of whichever god you think the words came from, and trusting the person who passed on the words. And trusting the words themselves. In a way, I envy the faithful. How nice to trust at least something. Is it naive, if it helps you?

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Gaze the absurd some cannot see.

Hear all worlds which say naught.

Walk with no end in the hush of plight.

Yell to the void who cannot hear.

Ponder some thought for eternity.

Grasp in the uncaring chaos.

Help, for a soul fades in the face of want.

Fear and Carry on, existence waits.