I have no clue what goes on in my head. I'm the source of my misery yet I'm supposed to trust myself to get me out of it? Sounds dumb to me. What I need is help, yet I'm unable to ask, all good excuses can be given "oh no! I'm not worthy". Self worth should be obvious to me, after all it's obvious that helping someone helps them help others which includes the helper. So if I get helped; I can help others.

Somehow, even though it is perfectly logical. There is something I consider a fact, feelings don't care about facts. So I'm left stuck in a loop of pity and misery. Asking other people to help me is scary. It's dumb. Of course they'd help me. I'm family. They love me. At least they're supposed to. But all I am able to sense is disappointment. I feel like they don't know how to help me, and at such are unwilling to even try of their own accord. After all mental health is scary.

What if my attempts to help someone will cause them to harm themselves. What if I in all my hubris help someone just enough to make them kill themselves. WHO AM I TO FORCE MY KNOWLEDGE ON SOMEONE ELSE. WHO AM I TO BE CORRECT. WHAT IF I'M WRONG AND EVERYTHING FUCKING BLOWS UP!?

And yet, I ask of them to help me.

So here are some things I want when you help me. Fuck your facts and opinions. Fuck you. You don't know how to help? How could you, for even I don't know how to help me and I'm supposed to be the smart one! Isn't that what everyone told me? "oh you have so much potential, you're so smart", but honestly intelligence is just another gripe I have with everyone on this planet. Everyone here is an idiot. Especially me. So why do I feel like I'm the only smart one here. How am I so blind to other people's smartness. Wasn't I supposed to be the one that was able to help others?

How am I supposed to help if I'm afraid of helping. I just feel scared and lonely. I feel so much. Yet I don't even notice myself feeling. How am I supposed to do the "logical" or "best" thing, if I don't even know how my feelings affect my decisions.

How do I learn to decide despite the feelings? What about with them? Are they to be ignored. "Ah the feelings. getting in the way as always. let me just turn them off so I'll be smart", it's a near complex by this point, but I don't know what else to strive for except intelligence. After all, being intelligent is the smart thing to do.

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Perhaps it's time to switch the stats I pump.

Perhaps thinking too much or too little was never the problem. Perhaps my ego is so large that the only thing I can do is get squished by it. Oh well. here's a cool compilation of things I've overthought to hell and back. To confirm that they're logical. My laws, incomplete, inefficient, and too few.

1. Never assume anything. Too bad I do it a lot since I'm human and it's what we're built for.

2. Never let your ego out. too bad I do it a lot since I'm human and it's what we're built for.

3. Never hurt anyone. why would you? Too bad I'm human and we make mistakes

4. Help when you can. It'll help me at some point.

5. it's ok to SEEM dumb.

Now, there are a few flaws with these. Mainly that they're impossible to withhold. So I'll think up of solutions for these situations and maybe some preventative methods.

for 1. We literally assume everything because not doing that would take too much effort. fixing this is to listen for any confusion at all. When anyone says "no" to anything it's probably because you've assumed something.

2. AKA letting your ego run wild is the same thing, difficult to notice, But same sort of jist. If someone says no or is confused, it's possible that you let your ego run away with your mouth, making you say things you don't mean. So you have to pause the conversation. Think what you said. Say "Okay hold on, I've probably said something stupid here", it's slow and methodical to go back in the conversation to the point where you just spouted some garbage just to make you feel more correct, but there's the point, feeling correct doesn't make you correct. Sometimes it might take a day to feel that something you said was idiotic. Go back to them and tell them "I'm sorry my ego got out, I said something stupid." if they ask what part, tell them. If they're fine with you being an idiot, then they're fine. And you should be too.

3. Defend yourself but try to de-escalate. Good trick for this is to match their feelings, make them mirror you, and then calm down from that. it's difficult but probably possible. Idk never had to fight myself. My theory is that people think I'm too small and cute to hit.

4. Helping random people probably wont help you but it could, Effort is limited so it's better concentrated on things that matter.

One small change, A "no" isn't something you should force your way through. Sometimes the no doesn't come because your wrong, but because the other person isn't able to do whatever you're suggesting.