This was inspired by my other novel, It got me thinking about existence.

Existence is a weird thing, everything in it is subject to subjectivity. It's a bit of that Truth chapter again but there's more. I don't have to know the truth to exist. It just sort of happens to anyone.

I have a lot of problems with just existing though, some days are seemingly without reason just more painful than others. Other days I'm just happier without reason. I've been wondering if it has anything to do with some sort of mental disorder but anytime I talk to a mental health specialist about it the results come back negative, well except for ADHD I suppose but I don't think that's mood related?

I think depression is plausible but then again, the mental health professionals were just of the mind that I don't have anything wrong with me. Overall I'm not in control of anything do really. It's not that i'm chaotic and throw shit at people, more that I can't muster the effort to do even things i'd want to do.

I think i have a pretty good mindset about doing things i just give up instantly when i hit any sort of effort needed, and it's not really physical effort, it's just that if something can't be done instantly it seems like a pain to start.

Sure i'm told that i just have to start and the rest happens on it's own, but that still doesn't help me with actually wanting to start anything.

Sometimes it's some stupid social anxiety about being seen doing something normal, which to me seems like the stupidest reason for not doing something but i just assume it's some childhood trauma i'm unwilling to process or something dumb like that.

My memory is garbage but i just assume that's the fact i don't care about anything i do. or just get bored of it quickly. Music I've listened more than 10 times just stops sounding like anything, cola tastes bland, I guess food is consistently good tasting.

Also this definitely turned into a rant again. At least almost no one reads these so i'm not boring a lot of people :D

I have no clue if writing all this stuff down will ever even help me, or help anyone else.

I at least hope that someone will looks a my life and think "Yeah I don't want to be that." and it changes them into a better person. It would honestly be enough of an existence for me. Now if only i got paid for being a sub-optimal existence i could get my parents to stop breathing in my neck about how i'm going to survive once they die.

The answer to their wonderings is i'll probably die of hunger underneath a bridge drinking alcohol bought with money gathered from returning bottles and stolen copper wire. As a true modern day Diogenes.

Maybe i'll start living off of pure spite and hatred towards the existence. become a Finnish monk and just breathe my way through winter. Eat a stray Hobo off the street or two.

This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

Honestly in Finland I'd have it easy, the government would just pay my shit, I'm just unsure if I even want that money. It's a good system, don't get me wrong, less people dying in the cold and of hunger the better.

I just hate the idea that i'm in need of help. Toxic masculinity yada yada. I suppose I've heard the argument that it's wrong, I just don't give a shit. If I want to die miserable in the cold, just let me. I jest. or do i? help me lmao.

And yea no I don't think there's anything you could do to help me. Well i mean you could give me your money but that just seems like an unfair deal, what did I give society to gain it's support? Have a convincing rant on the internet? Sure, maybe if you want to give me money it was convincing. I just don't think that's enough.

I guess some of it is the successful kid syndrome, being always told that i could do so much if i just put my brain to it. And to an extent I think that's possible for everyone. I think everyone is capable of helping other people. I suppose I'd need to be helped first. Though that would need you to trust me to actually help someone after i've been helped.

And that's another problem, I just don't trust myself. If i can't get myself to do something i want to do why would i ever trust myself? Have I betrayed my own trust? When did I do that? Honestly trusting myself should be self explanatory in a way. I probably know why i do things the way i do. It's just hard to figure out.

I've said before that i have no idea what goes on in my brain and that's at least a partial truth, Often when looking in the past i don't know what i was thinking back then, i don't really know what i'm feeling most of the time, but i'm not sure if that should stop me from being able to predict myself.

All these thoughts i've thought of before. i need new thoughts. some small mistake in my thought flow pointed out. Because that's the thing, all my thoughts seem perfectly reasonable to me. maybe? maybe i'm just lying. i really don't know with this one.

My thoughts are reasonable and unreasonable. why are they unreasonable? I'm not winning. i'm not getting forwards. so obviously there's something wrong with my thoughts right? I don't have any circumstance that keeps me locked. There's nothing real holding me back.

Sometimes i just get a random burst of motivation to do shit in the middle of the night, am i supposed to do something then? why not when i'm supposed to do that shit? Is it just because someone else is telling me to do something? I mean the more someone tells me to do anything the less i want to do it. why? Ego?

Is my ego just so large i can only roll down hill? Probably, multiple times i've had this thought that the ego is the only real problem in the world, the moment you stop thinking with logic and default to just, ego things go to shit. it's not even emotions, those are useful, no one would find any meaning in existing without emotion.

Emotion is arbitrary, but atleast it's driving us forwards, without emotion nothing would ever happen, if no one got angry they wouldn't kill the person who's wrong. if no one was happy they wouldn't have anything to strive towards.

the paradox is that we don't get happy about achieving things, just striving towards them. We're in an endless treadmill of our own creation. We just have to hope that we'll never find a real wall, because when there's nothing left to achieve we'll just destroy all the we hae achieved, just to try again.

Luckily atleast time is probably is infinite. If it wasn't, why would you exist?

If time is limited it isn't useful, it would be a completely neutral existence, a lie.

If the universe happens in the forrest, and no one is there to witness it, did it really happen.