The quiet permeated my bedroom like a suffocating blanket. Here in my castle, my private goddess domain, I was only one living thing. This both was comforting and soul crushingly lonely. Here there were do distractions leaving me truly and utterly alone with my thoughts. Of course this was only part true as inside my head there was someone else. However the heart and mind are not always in agreement on things and the loneliness of the castle weighed on me.

I lay on my back in the bed, my eyes closed as I went over the events of the previous day. Once again I had killed someone, this time while fully aware of it. Some mage had just shown up and started killing people. That kind of wanton murder could not be tolerated. They were an immediate threat that had to be dealt with. Their sentence would have been death if they were handed over to human justice anyway.

Was there really no other way though? I hated killing or at least I thought I did. Yet deep in my heart I wanted to see evil purged from the world and evil people suffer for their actions. Sub-chan was the origin of this feeling. Though I'd confronted her on it before it seemed that wasn't good enough. She lusted for blood, I lusted for blood, or at the blood of those that commit objective evil.

With a deep sigh I drop down into the goddess zone, the familiar surroundings making me feel less alone already. There at my fingertips was the map with every worshiper that knew me meaning I was never truly alone no matter where I went. There was of course also Miya here as well. The pretty high priestess who was currently sitting over by Sub-chan at the desk.

With frustration building within me I stomped over to where the two of them were sitting and put my hands up on the desk. Both of them looked at me as I approached. My subconscious giving me somewhat of a glare.

Miya smiled and waved.

"Hello again Jenna! How are you?"

"I'm doing fine" I replied quickly.

My tone of voice indicated that I was in fact not fine. This was something that Miya picked up on as it was hard to miss, though Sub-chan would already know how I'm feeling. How we're feeling.

I turned to address Sub-chan as my fingers tapped on the counter-top. There was an annoyed edge to my voice as I spoke, my eyes looking her directly in the face.

"There's a few things we need to talk about."

Sub-chan kept her blank stare and looked right back at me.

"I don't need to talk to you about anything."

This response got an immediate reaction out of me. My right eye twitched and I stopped tapping my fingers, a frown forming on my face.

"Excuse me?" I retorted. "Just who do you think you are?"

"You" she replied flatly.

I let out a groan and slapped myself on the forehead with my left hand.

"Shut up! I know that ok? That's not what I mean."

Miya was getting visibly nervous as she watched the two of us conversing. She could tell an argument was brewing and she was genuinely concerned about what would happen. With a timid voice she interjected.

"Well Jenna..." she started. "Doesn't Sub-chan already know what you're thinking? So I suppose she wouldn't need to talk to you to know what you're thinking right?"

I dropped my hand from my face and slapped it back on the counter in a fist. It was clear I was getting angry and my voice showed it.

"This isn't about her knowing what I'm thinking!" I almost shouted. "This is about her making me do things!"

Sub-chan stood there motionless as my hand jumped up and pointed a finger in my face. Her expression was still emotionless as she responded in a calm and even tone.

"You understand I don't make us do anything right?"

I turned to face her and glared at her, my finger still pointing accusingly at her.

"I wouldn't want to kill if it wasn't for you!" I snapped. "I don't want to kill anyone!"

For a brief moment Sub-chan's face changed to show emotion. Her mouth morphing into a small smile before changing back to flat lips.

"You like killing evil people."

Finally I dropped my hand and crossed my arms across my chest in a defensive manner. My voice lowered and I hissed through my teeth.

"It shouldn't feel good to kill. Even if they're bad people."

Miya spoke up again in an attempt to diffuse the situation.

"Sometimes there's no option but to kill people right? I mean that mage was killing people and you had to do something." She paused. "You have always said killing it bad though."

I sighed and looked at Miya, then back at Sub-chan.

"It's the rage I feel inside that's the problem. When I first came to this world I wanted to make a peaceful world where no one had to die unnecessarily. I avoided violence because there's always another way." I slumped forward and looked down. "It was going so great until that cult..."

"The ones who killed me?" Miya asked timidly.

I let out another long sigh and dropped my arms to my sides.

"Yeah... Ever since then this rage I feel wont go away. I gave in to killing people and... Well its the right thing to do, they deserve it. If I had handed them over to human justice they would've died anyway. But I've killed since then too and liked it. Its all Sub-chan's fault!"

Sub-chan said nothing and just looked at me. Whatever she was feeling, I was feeling, deep down it wasn't visible. I started walking around the counter towards her.

"First I suppresed you and everything went wrong when it all came out at once with that cult. Then I suppressed you again and you burned down a mansion." My voice was escalating. "Then I thought, if I just gave in sometimes, you'd eventually stop these feelings. But you wont stop will you? You just want to kill people!"

As I got closer Sub-chan turned to watch me approach. Her face was still expressionless.

"We do what needs to be done."

The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

I came to a stop in front of her and glared into her eyes. It was like looking into a mirror as the two of us stood just inches from each other. My hands were trembling as I steeled myself in determination.

"Well I wont compromise my morals anymore!" I said loudly. "Its time to get you under control!"

With a grim look on my face I reached out my hands and quickly grabbed hold of Sub-chan's shoulders. Then in just as quickly of a movement she lifted her own arms and knocked my hands off. There was an actual frown on her face now which was a bit disconcerting.

There was no stopping me down as I'd committed to this. I brought my hands back and grabbed at her arms but she responded by slapping my hands away again. At this point I was getting angry at her and my face was getting red. With my cheeks puffing up I lifted my left hand and swung at Sub-chan's head, slapping her in the face.

She didn't seem all that surprised but she did get angry herself. Her eyes narrowed and she lifted her own left hand. Then she delivered a clean slap across my face in response.

I didn't even stop to absorb the shock of what had just happened, instead I reached up and grabbed at her arms again. She did the same and soon we were tangled together in a deadlock, each grappling with the other as we pulled and pushed our opponent.

Miya stood up and shouted across the counter to us, fear in her voice.

"Jenna!"

The sound of her voice was enough of a shock to my system that I stopped actively struggling with Sub-chan, though we were still grappling with each other. My pause only lasted a moment however before I started pressing into my mirror half again in an attempt to overpower her.

"I'm going to get her under control!" I exclaimed to Miya.

Sub-chan was actively emotional now and was just as determined as I was. Fighting with myself was more difficult than I expected.

"We're lawful good!" Sub-chan said angrily as she pushed me back and tried to twist my arms.

I responded by flexing and gripping her arms tighter.

"That line of thinking leads to killing goblin babies!" I cried out.

"Goblins are naturally evil!" she responded. "The babies should die!"

I shouted at the top of my lungs.

"No!"

As I shouted a final rush of power flowed through my body, allowing me to exert enough strength to overpower my opponent. With one last yell I threw my body into her and managed to twist our arms and drag her to the floor. My mirror darkly landed with a thud and a grunt as I quickly pulled myself out of her grasp. I stood back up over her triumphantly and put my hands on my hips. My chest was heaving as I gasped for breath.

Miya was standing there stunned from both fear and amazement. She looked down at me and just stared in silence. She had about as much idea of what happens next as I did.

Sub-chan grunted and slowly pushed herself up with her hands. I took one step back to allow her to stand up herself but remained ready to attack again if needed. Her face was dominated by an expression of defeat and she seemed more timid than before. After standing she leaned on the counter for support.

"You haven't won" she said ominously. "We'll always be here with your rage."

The feeling of power was still rushing through me. I felt like I'd won something important, like I'd overcome something after a long time of battling in vain. This feeling of joy was growing within me as if true hope had finally taken root.

"Ha!" I exclaimed, my hands on my hips as I stood tall. "Yeah well what if you are? Evil people should fill me with rage! There's other ways besides killing though!"

Sub-chan looked up at me like a wounded dog. Burning embers were visible in her eyes, the red motes surrounded by golden light. There was no fight left in her for now and while I didn't doubt she wanted justice done her violent ways were not the answer. She would be here forever of course and I realized that.

I let out a deep sigh.

"I need counseling..."

Miya had scooted closer to where I was standing and reached out a hand across the counter towards me. She smiled as I took her hand.

"Maybe it not my place to say" she said a bit sheepishly. "Seeing as you're a goddess and all."

I smiled back at her. "No go ahead."

She looked at Sub-chan and then back at me.

"Well maybe you could talk to my parents about these things? I know you don't want people to know your secret, about your past life, but they'd be the safest people I know right? Plus they've always been able to help me through things."

This made a lot of sense to me. They were trustworthy enough to truly show my vulnerable side to and they'd already seen it some anyway. It did seem like a good idea to have at least someone to really share my feelings with.

Sub-chan had stood up straight again and stood there defiantly. Her expression had calmed and once again was emotionless. That eerie calm masked whatever true feeling she had underneath, what I had underneath.

"You can't get away with not killing forever." she said.

I turned to her and crossed my arms over my chest again, my hair swishing behind my back.

"Yeah? So what if I can't?" I replied with a huff. "But I can do everything possible up until the point I have to kill someone. From now on we're doing things my way again."

The look on Sub-chan's face was the kind someone who accepted current events but secretly plotted to do their own thing when the time was right. At least that's the feeling I got looking at her, probably because she was me and that gave me insight into her true feelings.

"Well..." I said dropping my arms to my sides and cocking my hip to the left. "What if I asked for your input when this stuff comes up?"

This made her eyes widen for a moment and she stood up taller, a sense of pride seeming to come over her. She looked me in the eye and pursed her lips.

"Yes. That's acceptable."

Perhaps this was a side effect of personifying my subconscious but it made my own mind almost strange to me. Hers was the only mind I could never truly know the depths of, at least for now. Maybe she, and therefore I, felt like my true sense of justice was being ignored the while time which led to these outbursts of violence. Maybe my getting to know Sub-chan better I could get to know myself better as well.

I smiled weakly at her and breathed out slowly.

"I didn't mean to ignore you. I'm sorry for fighting."

She just looked at me and then turned away, sitting back down at the counter and preparing to return to her duties answering prayers.

"You didn't and you are." She then paused before continuing. "We'll try to communicate better with our active self."

With this entire conflict seemingly resolved, at least for now, I walked back around the counter to where Miya was standing. She looked quite relieved and stood there with her hands resting on the front of her legs.

"Well that was scary" she said smiling shyly. "I'm glad it all worked out with... Yourself... Jenna."

I smiled back with a bit of a giggle escaping me.

"Yeah. Well it was pretty scary for me too. I've never experienced this kind of thing first hand before."

After one final look over at my subconscious I turned to walk away from the counter with Miya following behind. For now it seemed Sub-chan was content with going back to the answering of prayers, something I was grateful for her doing in a more active way. She already knew the appreciation I had for her though as she was me. This stuff will never not be confusing.

Miya kept her hands in her lap area as we walked over to the map display.

"So are you going to talk to my parents?"

As we came to a stop in front of the map I sighed and looked it over, the view changing to the village of Doovlin.

"I really do need counseling, so yes. Even though this rage issue is handled for now its true what she said. This is always gunna be a part of me." I looked up at Miya. "I hate evil Miya. I always will. Seeing evil people suffer is something I actually find enjoyable and that's not good."

"You have a good heart" Miya replied smiling. "I suppose that's expected of a goddess."

My eyebrows turned into a frown as I looked back down at the map.

"That's the thing isn't it? As a goddess everyone expects me to be perfect. It's not fair!" I sighed. "But its what I have to try to be."

"What about killing people?" Miya asked.

I crossed my arms on my chest.

"In an ideal world people just wouldn't be evil, but my ideals are impossible in most worlds. Immediate threats will still have to be dealt with, but as for everyone else I suppose I'll have to turn them over to human justice." I sighed again. "It feels so bad though. If evil people let to live they're just going to commit more evil! At least usually."

Miya put her hands on my shoulders.

"People can change sometimes right goddess?"

I put my hands on the map table and leaned in over it. The little holographic representations of the people walking around beneath me.

"Yeah... But not everyone can."

The view on the map moved over the Deuiden house and Miya's parents appeared, or at least her mother did. It was still the middle of the day and her father was out working in the village. Going there now wouldn't be a good idea so I'd do it later this evening.

My mental health was something I had ignored for the most part here in this new world. All in fear of being found out as a fake goddess, a fear that was silly and unfounded. I was a real goddess, but even goddesses needed help with things. The stories I remembered of gods from my old world were filled with conflict and struggles that the gods went through.

By ignoring my own needs I had created the rage monster that lived inside me. That all stopped today however. There were humans I could trust in this world and while it still made me nervous to talk to them about my feelings it was necessary for growth. It was nice to know even now I wasn't alone.