Other than my family, what else is important to me?

I don't know.

I didn't have anything outside those shards of desire. Of course, I deserved it. I didn't reach out to anyone properly and so, no one reached out for me. The only beings who can do that in this world were children.

I wonder if I would've made a good teacher. In different circumstances, maybe.

But reality wasn't fiction. Even if I said a few words well, the present wouldn't alter. That's why I was bad at comforting people and why I couldn't change. The idea of his 'untimely' death was appealing to me.

After that..no, I was thinking too optimistically. What if we both died and left that child alone? Relatives, assets and endless money issues. No. He must pay his dues here.

My husband must die here.

I wrote about the strangers that orbited around me. My former coworkers, elderly couples, teachers. And the short company I had shared with them.

My 'next', and theirs would diverge forever.

----------------------------------------

"Thank you for buying! Come again!"

My bag was hard to hold, heavy with washing liquid, bleach, knives..sponges. Was this much even necessary? I could just use household things too. Still, this was the second step needed. Sighing while looking at the sky,I thought. To secure the best future for us, it could only end in this manner. Repeating this, just as I read my life again in regret after my choices.

"..."

I could still stop here. I could still endure it. But I recalled my reflection in the knife, I couldn't believe that. My performance, my planning what was it for?

I walked closer to our door and ignored the slight ache in my heart. It was words that he'd never get to hear. That he didn't deserve to hear.

Dear. Our marriage wasn't unavoidable. You could've just left me alone. But. You jeered, beat, and cursed so freely in front of me. Therefore, everything was already in motion and couldn't be stopped.

From here on out, I'll take all responsibility.

The next few weeks after that were rather calm. He left early to his ruin, and I walked our son to school. The teachers were still giving me a headache. It’d only be a matter of time till they found about those useless documents I signed from what felt like years ago. By the way, he stabilised a bit. He no longer hid in the underneath, but didn't look for friends either.

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Well, he has his whole life ahead him. I found it hard to spare anymore concern than that. It was hard to say the same to staff, but it wasn't impossible to ignore.

Finally, the last and final stages had been reached. It was both a long and short time, wasn't it? I began to collect tapes as well as ropes. Preferably, he'd die without knowing anything. Just as he was loathed while mocking it all this time. Struggling, not understanding and begging for mercy in every way.

You didn't care for it at all, did you?

I became a murderer for you.

My feelings at that time were blurry. But acting had also enhanced other aspects. Like this, a silent joy told me to go on.

The purchase itself was quick, and I bought some crayons for the school as a later apology. However, I never got to give it. That day, his stench was full of alcohol. He was overbearing and threatened me like usual. The knife was supposed to be in Dokja's room, but I left it on the counter just for today.

Even then, I still gave him a chance. I already knew the answer. I already resolved to kill him.

"Put that down, we can talk about this..!"

I acted desperate. I was desperate.

"You? Haha..!"

He had lost something outside. A bet, a high stakes gamble? I should consider myself lucky he didn't take the house as an 'asset' yet.

At the very least he wasn't that foolish. I irritated him on dinner purposefully, but perhaps I was fooled by the ebb and flow of these peaceful, silent days.

Out of it, I was afraid for myself like usual.

"You aren't even attractive. At least our Sookyung should have one good thing about her, ah?"

"But you only teach those useless fantasies all day."

If I was able to control you, if I was able to change you. Would it be like those fairytales?

I faced reality once again.

He drank more alcohol. The harsh scraping of chairs happened at the same time. He moved forward, while I stepped back.

"Fucking..why'd I get stuck..gloomy bitch-"

"Dokja-yah. Go to your room."

But if you tamed it, and it tamed you..yes, we could of have something like a relationship.

The wall behind me felt hot, alight with anger enough to burn the world.

"Dokja,Dokja..haha! You only talk to that kid! Never, never to me.."

I closed my eyes. My left arm was barely functional, with a bruise fast turning purple. Blood kept dripping to the floor, no matter how I tried to force it back down with my hand. It only seeped through my fingers ruining my sleeves. Did I really try give mercy to this kind of person? I wanted to laugh. I didn't plan for this. I didn't want to pity you. At that moment, he stumbled on some rope. Yes—

No matter what came next,I’d surely be able to kill you.

I grabbed the knife from the table. It hurt. I raised a battered arm. My bones were cracking. And swung it down again and again.

I swung it for my despair.

I swung it because I didn't believe he could be dead.

I cut, swung and stabbed deeper for my satisfaction. His squeals slowly cut off. But my anger, my shame didn't disappear. It couldn't disappear. Parents like this, a mother like me..

These thoughts wanted more than anything else to see all too clearly, cloudy, lifeless, dead eyes. I eventually stood up.

My skirt was dirty, and my hair frazzled.

I heard a door swing open awhile after that.

「 Dokja. 」

I smiled towards my only son.

「 From now on, I will read all of this again. 」

「Thus, you have to remember well. Understood? 」