Marriage is a communion between two people. You promise to be by each other's sides, whether in sickness or health. And of course, when things go awry, you can gather yourself, talk to others and leave. If not that, a helpline. A therapist. Society tries to move us like that.

Saying that even if you're in trouble, you're never alone. I think they're right on one thing. I'm not alone as long as I have my Dokja.

Yes, as long as my son is here, mother can do anything.

Today, we were grocery shopping. My husband went to go buy some lettuce and flirt in some other isle. I was used to it, while our child was at school. Come to think of it, the time was getting close for parent’s eve-

A sharp laugh woke me up from my plans. An elderly couple approached me that day. Our ‘neighbours.’ In theory. They were away often, taking trips to places mainly to see their relatives. On that note, I wondered how our sides of the family were doing. Glancing over,I could see a woman a little older than me walking away. In a rather relaxed manner...? Hm. My basket was stopped a little behind me as I picked out strawberries. I didn’t get a good look at the price tag slapped on the transparent plastic, before being distracted again.

"Sookyung-ssi! It's been a long time…"

"Ah,yes it has. Are you doing well?"

We had an idle conversation like that.

"Yes, yes but the patrol has recently increased. You & your family should be careful!"

"Ah.."

I was frozen. To us, a criminal or a burglary might've been preferable to our 'family life'. I realised it a little late, so I was in a daze. I felt the world lurch a bit. They trusted each other so easily in a way we could never be, and I was jealous of it.

"Sookyung-ssi?"

The envy that showed in my face, and the fear that stopped me from leaving. The cold breeze from the freezers and bustling of people shopping with baskets, trollies and bags made me feel more ashamed. I pulled on my skirt a little, unwilling to meet them in the eyes. It felt as if in one glance, they’d know of our instability.

"Is there anything we can do for you? Ahem, we all have difficulties in our lives and relationships, so be sure to give yourself sometime!"

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I was healthier than them in body at least,but seniors weren't seniors for nothing. Or was I overthinking it?

“You should be practising your own words,dear! Sorry!”

She curtsied in front of me before dragging him off by the ear. If I tried that..I didn’t need to think anymore. I don't remember the rest. But difficulties? I wonder what shade counts as being truly hard or rough, with the public always complaining these days. Life was naturally tough, so bear it Sookyung. Endure it. The choices I made led to that path. But as I read my story again, I thought.

Was it natural to live like this? Coming back from a tedious cubicle, borrowing books in a rush from the library, reading gently to my child, entertaining my husband, working some more, then going to sleep. I repeated that for few days, then weeks. It soon turned into years I could never return from.

What did Lee Sookyung want? I didn't know. Rather, I didn't want to know.

If I ran away, gambling on this country to save us. If I broke down at work and said everything at once. If one day, I gave up on that house. Would I be happy?

「 No. 」

That would be what a proper person would do. All at once, asking for help seemed so simple yet so futile.

To take responsibility for your actions & force others to take theirs. Like that, a crooked seed began to root inside me. To honour our marriage to its end, wouldn't it only be proper? To return these long, difficult and near unliveable years to him. It was extraordinary circumstances, so it was alright. And so, on days where everyone was unbearable, I thought about it. Leaving this small house behind and running away without fearing for the past or future. But that very same place had so many memories. The decorations we carefully chose before his hubris took that happiness away. Not flashy, but not overly traditional either. I'd stare at the wall clock at before going to bed, and quickly switch channels on the flat TV when I heard hasty steps followed by a boozy scent.

Picking the wardrobe for our son and choosing carefully what would look best. Shouting at him to be quiet as we heard the crack of a belt—

But, despite all that. A pair of small white Velcro shoes made me smile.

They always faced the foot of the doorstep. As if one day, the owner of those shoes would walk away without looking back...

I always grew a little dazed, considering it. It was probably half why I was forgettable at work. Still, it gave me strength. The unpredictability of his next always appealed to me. And I always saw myself as a part of it, as well.

What kind of adult would you grow into? What career would you choose? Would we still be family at that time, Dokja? I suppose you could say that it was my dream. He was what I pinned all those destroyed hopes and placated hypocrisies on. Ah. You aren’t reading for this, right?

What happened... yes. At the department store I bought more kitchen knives than usual. It wasn’t too crowded at that time, and giving some lip service to the cashier about needing to replace old ones was enough. It was only fair after lazing around all this time. I couldn't store them in my bed or drawers. For all that he was, that bastard was cautious on some level. He had to be, in order to win the gamble. To take all his winnings.

The kitchen could only hold a few more plates and cups. Besides it was too noticeable if he had one of his fits again. He’d find any justification and sometimes, none at all too. With my own hands, I’d also taste it. Victory.

So, I dropped it in my son's room. A knife that I could hold onto.