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No Regrets

Serena’s father hadn’t been there for much of her life, and the times that he was there felt far too short for her. It was because of that that she cherished the small amount of time they had together, each memory held tight, from the day he first arrived at Mom’s tavern to the day Serena left, barely a month later. She remembered every moment she was able to share with her father, from the way he splashed water on her while they washed the dishes, to curling up in his lap and drifting off as he read to her. And yet, perhaps her favorite memory of all remained when she had fallen asleep at the bar, exhausted from a hard day’s work, and groggily feeling her father cradle her into his arms and whisk her away to bed. The whispering of the blankets pulled up to her chin and the gentle kiss on her cheek was something she’d never forget.

In a way, she was reliving that memory, if her father was actually eight feet tall and had the grace of an abusive drunk.

Serena came back to a fuzzy world, one filled with browns, streaks of grey, and the overwhelming blue above. She was dumped unceremoniously into a chair, thrown almost, only to slide off to the floor, consciousness slipping away as she crashed into the wood.

When she came back, head light and vision still blurry, far too many hands were holding her to the chair, as a cacophony of shouting filled her ears.

“– didn’t want to get blood on me.”

“So you just throw her?!”

“She doesn’t seem to mind.”

“Because she’s half dead!”

“Which is her own fault! What was she thinking?!”

“Dunno but it beats whatever the hell you did. How was the jog?”

“I didn’t run, I flew!”

“Well, I said jog so –”

“Both of you shut up! Pavel –”

“I’ve got nothing.”

“Nine Hells, I don’t –”

“Just heal her. Can’t you do that?”

“My magic specializes in the essence of the wilderness, so –”

“So you’re useless. Again.”

A few of the hands withdrew into the blurry world as squawks, shouts, and the ruffling of feathers became distant to her ears. Serena’s head rolled back on its own, unable to stay up, as she felt the breath in her lungs grow cold. Another pair of hands grasped her cheeks, their touch almost familiar, and pulled her head back up, a face materializing from the fog.

A beautiful face, angled, striking amber eyes wide with worry, staring into –

Serena gasped and tried to straighten up, the world shifting back into focus somewhat as her mind came back to her, the pain coming back just as quickly.

Werond grimaced and grabbed her shoulders, holding her as Serena spasmed and cried in pain, back and chest burning as though she’d lit herself aflame. She was vaguely aware of another pair of hands ripping open her tattered tunic, a sharp intake of breath following a moment after.

“Gods damnit,” Jo’s voice came through the fog; she could still barely see her surroundings, though she heard, distantly, the sounds of familiar arguing. “gods damnit, I don’t know triage, damnit…”

Werond waved a hand at Jo, then pointed towards Serena, back arching as another wave of pain ripped through her. Jo stared for a moment, before nodding.

“Right…right, don’t need it.” She stood up and leaned towards Serena. “You hear me? Going still?” Serena squeezed her eyes shut, barely managing a nod. “Good. Listen, you’re going to need to heal yourself, none of us can do it. Werond and I got you, but I don’t know how long you have. You’ve lost a lot of blood, so…faster the better. Right?”

Serena nodded again, eyes flying open as she gasped in pain as another wave burned across her body, ripping the air from her lungs.

Bahamut’s Teeth, everything hurt, she could barely sit still, everything felt awful…but she’d been here before. She’d done this before. It had been worse so many times before. Everything would be fine, even if it didn’t feel like it would. Just needed to get the healing going and…

And…

Hands grabbed at her face once more, a panicked yell accompanying them. They shook the black from her vision, startling Serena back to consciousness. Werond’s tear stained face materialized from the fog a moment later, staring at her with a helplessness that burned like an open flame.

“Serena?!” Jo’s voice came from somewhere. “Gods damnit, stay awake!”

She nodded, blinking in vain to clear the fog. Shouldn’t have let herself fade out like that, knew better. Every other time she’d been fine, there wasn’t a good reason for her to slip now.

Grimacing, Serena offered a weak smile – one borne of embarrassment, but also to reassure them, because she knew she’d be alright, just as soon as the magic flowed. Yet all it did was tear a stifled sob from Werond’s lips and another yell from Jo.

Sucking in a breath, shoving the pain to the back of her mind, Serena raised a hand and pulled from the well within. Her palm lit in a silver glow, barely brighter than a candle, illuminating Jo’s concerned grimace, Werond’s glassy eyes –

And the burns alongside her neck.

Horrible yellow blisters dotted the side, the area underneath a sickening red, dead and flaking skin lining the edges. Serena’s eyes went wide as the realization of what she’d done came flooding back, her chest tightening, her heart falling, as the shame crashed into her.

Fighting against that guilt and the pain that racked her body, Serena’s hand, almost touching her chest, lashed out and grasped Werond’s neck, the sliver light vanishing. Werond flinched as the magic bit into her, skin sizzling as the burns healed. She flinched back, eyes wide, and disappeared into the fog, just as the breath was torn from Serena’s lungs, the black descending over her vision like a curtain –

CRACK

Pain erupted along the side of her head as Serena gasped, the world flooding back, drowning her in a storm of blurs as she fell from the chair. Someone grabbed her shoulders and hauled her upright again, face now throbbing with a red-hot pain. As she blinked the tears away, Werond came into focus. Her eyes, glassy still, were now wide with fury, but her neck looked healed, the skin –

Werond seized Serena’s wrist and smashed it against her chest, open hand squelching against the blood that soaked her ruined tunic. She pushed Serena’s head down with her other hand, forcing her to look at the – Bahamut’s Teeth, still bleeding gashes, each a thin red ruin carved into her flesh, each throbbing with a pain she’d almost forgotten about.

Another pair of hands grabbed Serena’s shoulders from behind, Jo’s voice filling her ear.

“Heal yourself,” She hissed. “now.”

A fresh spasm of pain ripped through her, almost on cue. Serena sucked in a breath to steady herself then nodded, fingers twisting, awkwardly under Werond’s grasp, calling forth the pale light once more.

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She gritted her teeth as her wounds began to reknit themselves, skin sizzling beneath her hand, thin columns of steam rising around her fingers. The throbbing pain slowly gave away to a terrible burning itch, one that demanded her to scratch until her new skin bled…but she’d gotten used to that feeling long ago. That just meant that it was working.

As the world began to focus, the fog dissipating from vision and mind, Werond released her and marched away, boots painfully loud against the wooden floor. Serena grimaced but continued the healing process. As the last of the gashes closed over, and the rest of the world slowly began to refocus, the argument from earlier drifted back to her ears, still being waged, though that didn’t surprise her.

Breathing labored, Serena patted down her chest, fingering the new skin. It ached with a horrible soreness, but that usually meant that everything was fine. Her back, still slick with blood, would be another issue entirely, though now, she wasn’t about to pass out anytime soon.

She leaned forward, Jo’s hands still on her shoulders, holding her steady. As she began to reach awkwardly up her back, however, Jo dug her fingers in, nails almost piercing Serena’s skin as she whispered into her ear, oblivious to her discomfort.

“We need to talk when you’re done.”

She patted Serena’s shoulders as a wave of ice washed over her, the soreness in her chest and the pain throbbing in her back suddenly unimportant. Heart pounding, Serena shoved the feeling away, and focused back to the task at hand.

Though done at an awkward angle, the wounds on her back closed just as easily as the ones before, though that didn’t mean it was painless. As the skin sizzled back to normal, that terrible itch taking its place, the blur that coated her senses finally bled away, the world finally returning to its usual clarity.

Rolling her shoulders – Jo’s hands falling off as she did – Serena straightened up and finally took in wherever she’d been dumped. It seemed as though her friends had simply dragged her into the nearest building, this one looking as though it might have been some kind of store. Broken and shattered racks lined the walls, the remnants of tables scattered about the floor, with her chair being the only piece of furniture still in one piece. The roof had been caved in, much like everywhere else, and a thin layer of dirt and dust covered the place

Near the front of the once-store, standing by the open door frame and empty, broken windowsills, Pavel and Doriyah were still locked in an argument with Cruck’aa. While Pavel looked utterly through with the enraged Aarakocra, feathers ruffled and arms flailing, Doriyah seemed to be enjoying himself with a muted smile.

Serena frowned as Cruck’aa continued with some tirade. Had they paid attention at all? It didn’t seem like it, though that might have been for the better. Least they didn’t see –

Jo stepped around and crouched in front of her, just as Serena began to look around for Werond, worryingly absent in the ruined building.

“Behind you, against a counter.” She said, clasping her hands, resting her elbows on her knees; she nodded at Serena’s chest just as she began to turn around. “Might want to fix your tunic if you can, before anyone notices.”

Serena blinked and glanced down, forgetting that she was almost naked from the waist up. It would be an easy fix though, and she should fix it now, but…

She grimaced and twisted around. Werond was indeed behind them, hunched over against a counter near the back of the building. Her head was buried in her hands, brown hair hanging down, and she occasionally shook it as though in disagreement to some silent thought.

Worry gnawed at Serena’s chest, urging her body to move; as she began to stand up, however, head growing light again, Jo reached out and grasped her knee.

“Sit down, mend your tunic, and listen to me.” She hissed.

Serena stared at her for a moment, heart pounding, before eventually falling back into the chair. She couldn’t find the energy to argue.

“Haven’t seen something that stupid in a long time.” Jo began as Serena took up her tattered tunic, hands glowing. “Yes, you probably were loopy but –”

“I didn’t –” Serena tried to sign, only for Jo to throw up a hand.

“Stop and listen to me, because I know you think you didn’t do anything, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. So just listen to me. Okay?”

Serena held her gaze for a moment before nodding, staring down at her hands as Jo began to talk.

“I really need you to understand, Serena, how important you are to this group currently. You are the only one here who can use healing magic. The only one. Cruck’aa can’t do anything, Pavel and I weren’t trained in triage, and Doriyah…who the hell knows, he didn’t offer. If you go down, we’re completely fucked, no exaggeration. Even something small like a cut or bruise can turn nasty quick, but with you, we don’t have to worry about any of that. As long as you’re with us, food, and where in the Nine Hells we’re going, are our most pressing issues.

“Take you out of the situation though, and we’re screwed. Utterly. Full stop. Without you, it doesn’t matter how far we get, because the moment something jumps us and someone gets hurt, we’re done. We can’t come back from that. You can’t wait it out, not out here in a gods damn swamp. Effectively, that makes you one of the most valuable members of this group right now. Do you understand that? Right now, you and Cruck’aa are the only ones who can defend us, and between both of you, you rank slightly more important because you can heal us, should we need it.

“So, tell me how it looks then, on the verge of passing out, or death for all we know, you reach out and heal Werond’s burn? A burn that could heal on its own? A burn that was nothing compared to the open gashes on your fucking chest? How did you think that would go? Imagine if you’d passed out right after that and we couldn’t get you back up; sure, her neck is healed, but you’re dead. The trade isn’t even. You almost sacrificed yourself for a burn that wasn’t important in the grand scheme of things, and I know you’re awake, and I know it’s fine now, but Serena…do I really need to spell this out for you? Do I really need to explain to you how utterly stupid that was?

“And did you ever stop think about Werond’s view? She’s worried sick about you and you do that? I’m not surprised in the slightest that she smacked the Hells out of you. Gods above Serena, you were actively bleeding out and you chose to use whatever magic or energy you have left to heal what amounts to a first, maybe second-degree burn. Your last act could have been dying in front of her, because you chose a tiny burn over your own wounds. Would you be okay with that? Letting yourself die like that, even for her?”

The answer came to her immediately, smashing into her heart like a hammer and sending it into her throat. But that wasn’t surprising; she’d understood her choice since the first day Werond held her close, their hearts thumping to meet the other. And while Jo’s words made sense, Serena kept that answer to herself. It was too personal, and even if she did explain it…well, Jo wouldn’t understand.

“Look, I understand.” Jo continued after a moment. “You love her and would do anything for her. I get it. But don’t light yourself on fire to keep her warm, Serena. She doesn’t seem like the kind of woman who’d appreciate that. Alright?”

“Alright.” Serena signed, the mending of her tunic finished, gaze still on her hands.

Jo waited a moment before sighing and straightening up, knees popping.

“Hope you heard me Serena, I really do.” She looked over her shoulder at the argument that was still being waged. “Need to go defuse those idiots. Make sure you talk to her while I do.”

She turned on her heel and marched towards the front of the store, voice slicing through the argument like a knife through butter. Serena buried her face into her hands, fingertips digging into her forehead, as she ignored the winds of argument that rattled the front of the ruined store.

There remained not a shred of regret for what she had done, yet her chest still burned as though the wounds had never healed. It was a fire that she herself had ignited, however, and try as she might, Serena couldn’t stop herself from feeling that familiar self-hatred. All she wanted to do was mend the bridge between her and Werond, yet all she’d done was tear it down even further.

Her eyes peaked out from behind her hands, gaze glued to her boots. Putting it like that may have been too much, but it’s what it felt like. And what could she even say to fix things this time? She’d known what she’d done, and she’d do it again within a heartbeat, no matter the sense that Jo’s words had made…or the pain it caused –

Stifling a curse, Serena bolted up, head going light for a moment. It didn’t matter what her actions did, she had to make sure Werond made it out of here in one piece, no matter the cost. Anything else, and she’d…

Serena frowned as she wobbled, then walked towards Werond, still hunched over the counter, head now out of her hands. Best not to think about that right now, least the numb come back.

As Serena stopped behind Werond, who seemed not to notice her, she reached out to grab her shoulder, then hesitated. While her head was no longer bowed, she seemed to be staring at something on the counter, finger tracing something on…paper?

Serena stood on her toes, trying to peer over Werond’s shoulder, only for her to smack the paper and whirl around. She yelped and slammed into the wood as Serena flinched and stumbled back, almost falling to the floor.

“Sorry!” Serena said, catching her balance. “I –”

Her signs died midway as Werond seized her wrist, yanking her towards the counter, tapping it frantically with two fingers, though Serena’s attention remained on her.

“Hey! What’s –”

She furiously waved away the signs and smacked the counter again; Serena tore her eyes away to glance down –

Towards the map that was spread over the counter.

It looked intact, the blues and greens faded under the dust and dirt that coated the whole thing. Nails had been driven into the four corners of the parchment, keeping it to the counter. Maybe it had been a reference for people traveling through? But how had it –

Werond suddenly shook her shoulder, somewhat forcefully, and smacked a finger on the dead center of the map. It landed next to a golden dot, surrounded by blue, with the words “Bog’s Road” in tiny print beside it. She traced a line further down to a large splotch of writing beneath the blue, “Evermoors” written in golden lettering.

She waved a hand in Serena’s peripherals, and quickly signed, sloppily, when Serena turned to look at her.

“I – N – O – H– E – R – E.”