Chapter 15: Relax
I leaned against the wall as I stumbled my way down the pitch-black hallway. It was late at night, and I was tired. So tired. I wanted nothing more than to curl up on the spot and fall back asleep, but I needed to get to the toilet. The faintest sliver of rationality drove me on, telling me not to make a mess of myself, even if that meant I had to do anything other than sleep. Eventually, I was able to make my way to the bathroom door, and after a few tries while pressing my weight against it, I was able to turn the handle and let myself in.
I shut the door behind me, but couldn’t find the lock in the darkness. I guess it wasn’t there. I lazily cracked one eye open and looked around the room. I noticed the mirror.
I looked away.
The mirror.
I could feel its presence. Like a creeping spider, all the more terrifying unseen.
I had no idea what could be lurking on the other side of that mirror.
I turned to look at it again, scared of what would happen if I ignored it.
I was right to do so. Wrong to do so. The mirror stared back at me.
One vicious black eye staring back at me from beyond the cursed glass.
The thin barrier that protected me. The window that let the horrors seep in.
That lone slit pupil watched me from within the darkness, following every movement of my head.
I took a step back, and the eye rushed forward, slamming itself into and shaking the mirror, bringing its meaty palm into view; all eight fingers scratching against the glass as they tried desperately to break through.
I stumbled and fell, through the floor and into the nothingness below. Watching as the room grew further and further away. Yet the eye, only a distant speck now, still watched me as I plummeted. But soon my vision was cut off as countless jagged white teeth closed above me, extinguishing what little light there had been, and something laughed. Ah, so this is how it ends.
I woke up covered in sweat with my heart racing. I took a minute to calm down and hugged myself tightly. I then felt around under the sheets, and sighed with relief upon discovering that they were still dry. After working up my courage, I rolled over and opened my eyes to check the clock. My vision was blurry, so I needed a moment and some focus before I could properly make out the time; 4:28 AM, way too early to be awake. But I couldn’t go back to sleep. Not after that. I needed water. And a toilet.
I slowly sat up and felt the shiver of the air as the covers slid off me. I didn’t want to move. I wanted to lie back down and curl up in a warm cocoon. But grave circumstances pushed me forwards. I rubbed my arms and shivered as I meandered my way down the dark hallway. It wasn’t until I pushed open the bathroom door that I thought about the situation. I stood there, in the hall, staring into the dark, empty bathroom, not daring to take another step.
I knew what was in there. I didn’t know. I knew what wasn’t in there. But I didn’t know that either. There was nothing in there, nothing to be scared of, just a toilet, a shower, a sink, and… no, stop, that couldn’t hurt me.
I kept standing there, motionless, broken, trying to convince myself that everything was okay. Everything was okay. Why would I need to convince myself? Because I didn’t believe it. Not for any good reason. But there was one. There was something wrong, and I couldn’t tell if it was with the room, with me, or with this whole messed up world.
I clenched my fists and kept staring through the empty doorway. I just had to go in. I must look stupid standing here. That was just a dream. I was awake now. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. But it’s not okay. No, it’s okay.
It’s okay.
I breathed deeply. In, and out. Just go.
I stepped into the room and shut my eyes, closing and locking the door by feel before flipping on the light switch. I squinted my already shut eyelids as they suddenly lit up red with penetrating light. Okay, see? Already better. Nothing to be afraid of. I slowly opened my eyes, allowing them to adjust to the new light, while holding my right hand up to the side of my face in order to block my vision. There was nothing over there, so I didn’t need to look at it. I tried not to look too closely at my palm either. I walked over to the toilet and sat down, making sure not to look in the direction of the sink.
It wasn’t until I had to wash my hands that I realized a crucial issue. No, it wasn’t an issue. It was okay. I could just look down. Keep staring down at my hands. I was washing them anyway. Yet as I did so, I noticed something move in the very top edge of my vision, and jumped back while shutting my eyes.
No! Rebecca, you idiot. That’s just your reflection. It has to be your reflection. But I don’t know that. But I do. Just fucking look at it.
After some exaggerated breathing and inner turmoil, I hesitantly opened my eyes and finally looked up. There I was, on the other side of the mirror, as normal as can be. Well… relatively normal. I looked tired, very tired, but that much could be expected. The point was that I looked human. I wasn’t, not anymore, but I at least still looked the part. I thought back to Merino, the magical girl who was missing most of her body, and wondered if this would always be the case. Maybe one day I wouldn’t be able to keep pretending to be Rebecca. I laughed a hollow laugh to myself. I wanted to fucking cry.
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I was lying back in bed staring absently at the ceiling, trying not to think about anything important. The subtle marks in the paint had always caught my interest. I used to imagine all kinds of stories while doing this when I was younger, but right now I didn’t have that kind of focus. All I could pay attention to at the moment were the ravenous complaints of my stomach. I had tried to drown it out with water, but it still demanded food. I didn’t want to eat. I needed to, but I couldn’t. My mouth felt dry, so I was sure I wouldn’t be able to anyway. I couldn’t think about anything else though. The churning of acid was too painful for me to forget it by sleeping either. Not that I wanted to sleep anyway, not after that, but I needed to despite it not being an option. Thankfully, no matter how poorly I slept, today was Saturday, so I wouldn’t need to worry about school. Of course, such a thing had never concerned me before, but it was nice to have that reassurance. I could try sleeping again in a few hours, once it was light out. That might make me feel safe. But for the time being, I was still scared.
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It had been a painful hour lying here. At some point I heard my dad get up and start his morning routine. I didn’t need to worry him with another freak-out. I could just stay here for a while longer, pretending to still be asleep, and then get something to eat at a more normal hour. I could definitely do that, for sure. I had no idea why he still got up so early even on a weekend, getting in my way like this, but I just had to bear with it. It was fine, it’s not like I was going to eat anyway. I wanted to, but I couldn’t, so it was fine.
By 6:00, I had enough of waiting around and decided it was about time to shove something down my throat. Putting it off for any longer would drive me insane, something I already felt on the edge of. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a piece of bread together with a large glass of water. Dad noticed me and curiously asked why I was up so early, because of course he did. Thankfully, a curt “no reason” was enough to end the conversation. So I sat alone at the table, looking at my single piece of bread on a plate, thinking about eating it. Fantastic.
I took a sip of water and swashed it around my mouth, delaying the inevitable. I picked up the bread and thought about opening my mouth to take a bite. I thought about my jaw dislocating and falling off my face. I locked it shut like a vice and breathed out. Even if I knew that wouldn’t happen, I still pictured Fervent Feast in my mind, the girl who’s jaw very well might have fallen off if she opened it any wider, and I felt a deep, instinctive fear. Maybe small bites would do. Small bites.
So that’s what I did, opening my lips just barely wide enough that I could squeeze the most miniscule corner of bread through, before biting down and chewing with the utmost care. It was painfully slow, and the dry bread felt like sand as it quickly absorbed what little moisture had been in my mouth, but it worked. That was progress. I washed it down with a large mouthful of water and then took another bite. I could get past this, I just needed time. Surely, time would fix things.
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After the long and troublesome negotiation with my stomach, it was satisfied enough that I could focus on anything else. I still needed to pick that anything though. Sleep was out of the question, of course, and I wasn’t quite ready to think about anything painful. Not this early in the day. No, rather, this was a day off, I didn’t need to think about it later either. Another day would be fine; I probably didn’t need to rush. Right now, I just needed to get used to things. Used to being a magical girl. To what that would entail.
No, stop, I’m not thinking about that. I desperately needed a distraction. In standard Rebecca fashion, I looked over to my piles of books. That wasn’t a bad idea. After all, I was ostensibly part of a book club now, so it would make sense to read something for it. Lord of the Flies was still at the top of the pile. Was that a good idea? I wasn’t sure, but it was the most obvious choice. Who knows, maybe I could learn something from it. I tried chuckling to myself, but gave up pretty quickly. So I grabbed the book, laid down, and started to read.
Honestly, it had a dull start. But reading was a nice change of pace; a chance to forget my worries and immerse myself in the world of the novel. I could simply push aside any unnecessary thoughts and focus on what was in front of me. It felt like being able to breathe again. Hours came and passed as I idly read. I could hear the other members of my family gradually wake up and go about their business. But I didn’t pay them any mind, I just kept reading.
By 10:00, my stomach was starting to complain again, so I figured it was about time for a lunch. Lunch? Would it still be too early to call lunch? It probably wouldn’t count as breakfast, but I’m sure I would have another “lunch” later. Well, who cares. I needed to eat, so it was time for a meal. Thankfully, my thoughts felt a bit lighter now, so I was in a better mood for eating. Maybe I’d cook some eggs. As long as I washed the pan after, Mom wouldn’t be able to complain.
The house had warmed up a bit by this point, but getting out from the blankets was still a struggle, and I was especially reluctant to finally get dressed. It had to be done though, so I threw on whatever and headed downstairs to the kitchen. It seemed that Mom and Jake were out somewhere, but Dad was relaxing with a cup of coffee while watching some old movie on the TV. I didn’t know what it was and didn’t feel like asking. I couldn’t smell the coffee when I walked in, so that probably wasn’t fresh.
“Hey,” I greeted as I searched for a suitable pan.
“Hey,” he greeted back, engrossed in the film.
Sometimes that’s as far as our conversations needed to go, and right now I appreciated it. I didn’t want anyone prying into the details of my life. I started heating the pan on the stovetop and got a carton of eggs out of the refrigerator.
“If your mother finds out you were making eggs,” Dad remarked, not looking away from the two actors talking on screen, “she’ll throw a fit about it. Are you sure you want to go down that road?”
“It’ll be fine,” I said, “as long as you don’t tell her about it.”
And with that, I cracked an egg into the pan, cementing my fate. It popped and sizzled as soon as it hit the metal, and I was quickly greeted by the pleasant smell of decent food. Mom saw anyone other than her making eggs as a threat (and for good reason), but right now I wasn’t going to let that scare my away from my sunny side ups. Oh, right, toast. I grabbed some bread and threw it in the toaster. It was a bit delayed, but I cracked a second egg and put that in the pan as well. A bit of eggshell got in, so I pushed it to the side with a spatula. I quickly grabbed a plate, and moved to transfer the first egg.
The bottom of the egg stuck to the pan, because of course it did. I forgot to do something about that. I sighed internally, then scraped off what I could, trying everything in my power to not disrupt the yolk. It didn’t work so well. I heard the mechanical spring of toast popping out of the toaster, and plated the two golden-brown specimens before throwing the second egg on top of one of them, this time with a little more success. I had eggs. I dumped water in the pan so it wouldn’t burn and sat down with a napkin and my gourmet meal.
They was a bit bland. Turns out I forgot the salt, pepper, and any other possible seasoning. They were still fine though, and being able to eat was enough. I was only about halfway through my first victim when the doorbell rang.
“I’ll get it,” Dad informed me.
His chair scraped lightly against the floor as he pushed it back while standing up, and then left the room to check who was here. He didn’t bother pausing the movie, so I guess he’s seen it before. I absently returned to spreading yolk across my face. A classic. Only a minute or so later, however, I heard him call for me from the door.
“Becca!”
“What?!” I yelled back, followed by hastily wiping egg off my cheeks. If he needed me for something, then I should at least look somewhat presentable for it.
“Your friend is here!”
I felt my guts tighten a little at this. Chloe. We’d technically made up after what happened yesterday, I guess, so it probably wasn’t strange for her to stop by. But I didn’t want to see her right now. Not today. I just wanted some time to myself; to relax after everything that had happened. I couldn’t just turn her away though.
“Okay, send her over!”
At least Chloe would need to watch me eat my messy eggs for a bit. Payback for the unannounced visit; not that she’s ever made a habit of announcing them in advance. I could make a joke about it though, put on a cheery face and act like I was okay. It might not have even necessarily been a lie. In a way, one could probably say I was somewhat okayer than I had been before. At least in the momentary sense.
But whatever plan I had been starting to form immediately shattered the moment that girl walked into the room; because I hadn’t expected her to be here. Not this early in the day.
“Hello” Megan said. “It’s good to see you.”