Chapter 10: In Control
Someone knocked on my door.
“Becca, are you up?”
I instinctively shoved my hand under the blanket. I didn’t want Mom to notice that anything was off.
“I’m up, Mom!”
The door swung open and Mom walked into the room, then my stomach dropped. I remembered just how much of a freak I was. Most people didn’t have eyes growing out of their hands. The fact that I hid it made me feel like I was doing something wrong. Was hiding just my hand even enough? It was part of me, so my whole being would be contaminated. Surely anyone could tell at a glance that I wasn’t really human. Yet Mom didn’t seem to notice.
“I’m glad you’re finally starting to get up on your own. Breakfast is ready, so come down and eat.”
“…Sure.”
She turned and left, not even bothering to close the door behind her, and I didn’t know if I was actually relieved that she didn’t ask me about anything. I got away with it this time, avoided worrying her that something was off, but this wouldn’t be the end of things. My guts tied themselves into tight knots as I thought about it; spending the rest of my life trying to avoid suspicion while hiding the truth. I almost wanted to come out and tell her what happened to me, have someone I could confide in, someone to make everything all right, but I couldn’t. This was all my fault, the results of the mistakes I had made until now, and thus it was my sin to bear. Besides, was I even really her daughter anymore? After all the changes I’d gone through, I didn’t believe it. I was just an imposter now.
With heavy steps, I dragged myself back downstairs to the kitchen. Warm scrambled eggs sat waiting for me and I wanted to cry. I was filthy and didn’t deserve this kindness, but I would have to keep up the facade; the truth was too painful. So I sat in Rebecca’s spot and looked down at the plate. I still didn’t have an appetite, but I was being watched so I needed to eat. I used a fork to pick up a small piece of brown-black egg and hesitantly brought it to my mouth. Even that much was hard to swallow, but I forced myself anyway. It felt wasteful for me to eat, but I had to keep it up. I watched the news so I wouldn’t have to think about it.
The weather was cold still; of course it was. A new restaurant would be opening in town soon. And then the magical girl in yellow came on screen. I almost choked, not mentally prepared for her to appear, but I kept the impulse down and continued watching. Her dress’s golden scales sparkled with every movement and I almost felt envious, yet something about her seemed off. My insides squirmed as I listened to her talk positively about the lack of progress against the machines. Was it her eyes? They were blazing amber, but that wasn’t exactly unusual for a magical girl. Her face was normal, but looking closely something about her skin was unusual. She was young, but her skin seemed loose, like it didn’t quite fit her, and the texture seemed rough. Her hair too, it seemed course and bristly, like short needles hanging down rather than gently flowing. The more I looked, the less human she seemed, yet it was never obvious. Was I just imagining things? Did I look like that as well? Human in appearance but subtly uncanny. Would they see it in my eyes, that I wasn’t the same as them?
No, no, it’s going to be alright. I have things under control. Nobody can tell. Just put on a smile and act normal. Act… No, it’s fine, everything’s fine.
Jake came into the kitchen and sat at his usual spot. Then, he stared at me. I shivered. Did he notice something? Could everyone tell after all?
“…What?” I hesitantly asked.
“…Nothing.”
He looked down at his plate and started to eat. Internally, I let out a sigh of relief, but I still didn’t feel safe. He had clearly been watching me. I shoveled the rest of the eggs into my mouth and went back upstairs. I couldn’t stand to chew them, so I barely did, but I needed to get out of there quickly. Getting dressed was easy; just grab something inconspicuous to cover the scars. It was almost like they weren’t even there.
Before heading out, I looked at myself in the mirror again; I still seemed haunted. I couldn’t tell if it was obvious or if I was just seeing what I expected. I forced a smile, but my eyes remained lifeless. I couldn’t look at them anymore and turned away. Pretending everything was okay, I headed to the door so we could leave for school. I wasn’t ready, but no amount of time would change that; I just had to believe that I could blend in.
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Jake remained quiet the whole way there. That was normal, yet I couldn’t help but feel that it was a sign of something. I felt like vomiting as I stepped out of the car and waded into the crowd. I was able to make it halfway through the halls before I heard a familiar voice call out.
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“Becca!”
I didn’t want to face Chloe yet. She knew me. She would know immediately that I wasn’t the same. But she already found me. I could just keep walking, but then I would obviously be avoiding her. She would just catch up soon anyway. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say though. She was going to see through me the moment our eyes met. Wouldn’t she?
“Hey, Becca, wait up!”
I was taking too long to decide. I was already cornered. I couldn’t keep ignoring her or she would definitely know something was off. So I put on a smile and turned to greet her. The usual “Hey, Chloe.” Surely that would work, right? Normal Rebecca.
It didn’t work.
“Becca, we need to talk.”
She looked… sad.
We stepped to the side, letting other people pass us by, and I looked at her with all the feigned ignorance in the world.
“What’s wrong, Chloe?”
“No, not ‘what’s wrong, Chloe.’ We’re talking about ‘what’s wrong, Becca.’ You’ve clearly been down lately, but you keep brushing me off saying you’re just tired. Then yesterday, I heard you suddenly started crying in the middle of class. You’ve stopped wearing makeup recently, and even now you’re not calling me ‘Clo’ like usual. What’s going on? Did Jessica do something?”
I froze. This was not the conversation I was expecting to have. Too much had happened lately. I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t have an answer prepared. She was right about too much, and I couldn’t let her know that. I couldn’t let her find out about the rest either. I didn’t want to worry her. I had to cover this up somehow.
“No, Chloe- Clo, I’m fine. I really have been tired, and-”
“No, Becca, you’re not fine! Don’t shut me out like this. Aren’t we friends? Please, just talk to me.”
She tenderly reached for my hand. My right hand. I instinctively yanked it back. I couldn’t let her touch that, it was filthy. This didn’t help my case though, and Chloe clearly looked hurt. I had to apologize somehow.
“Sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to- just give me some time, okay? I promise I’m fine. There are just some… personal things I need to work out.”
It was a flimsy pile of nonsense, and that promise was broken the moment I made it. I knew as much, and so did Chloe. She wasn’t just sad anymore, or hurt, I could also see the anger bubbling up inside of her. It almost scared me.
“Fine, if that’s how you want to be. I’ll give you time to sort out your… problems. Just… don’t leave me, okay? I don’t want to lose another friend.”
“…Of course not.”
After that, we went to class in silence. I felt horrible. Chloe didn’t deserve to be treated like this. I should have just told her the truth, or at least part of it. But I was selfish. I didn’t want to admit to what was going on, how bad things had really been. Not to her. But it was fine, things would get better. Wasn’t that what I determined this morning, that I was getting a handle on things? Once this got better, it would be like nothing ever happened. That way, everything I told Chloe would be true. No, it was true; I just had to make it so. If I told her now, told anyone, then the reality would be that I wasn’t okay, and I couldn’t accept that.
I looked down at my hand, holding it under the desk where nobody could see it. It was fine, just a normal hand, I had everything under control. Yet something I didn’t expect happened. The eye opened on its own, and I could see myself staring down in horror.
Quickly, I covered it and looked around the room. No one seemed to notice. Desperately, I tried to close the extra eye again, but it wasn’t working. Had my practice been for nothing? This wasn’t happening, I had to fix this. If I couldn’t, the whole world would find out. Everything I feared would become reality.
Look me in the eye, Maiden.
And then just as suddenly, when the voice rang out, the answer clicked into place and I wanted to scream. It was the god, Shiquoth, opening the eye. Possibly just to torment me. Hesitantly, I looked down and half uncovered the eye so nobody else could see it. It turned to look directly at me. I couldn’t do that. I didn’t know how. The god could control my body better than I could myself. Could it do the same with my regular eyes? Would it? A shiver ran down my spine, and I didn’t want to know.
“Why are you doing this? How? I thought the eye was supposed to be mine.”
You are my vessel. I will direct my vision as I please.
I felt sick, but kept it in. This was hardly new. I could handle it. The teacher started talking, but I couldn’t pay attention.
You are right to hide your identity. It is dangerous to reveal.
“What do you mean it’s dangerous? Aren’t magical girls saving humanity? Who would hurt me?”
Heretics find our methods unsavory. Some mortals will make themselves a nuisance. The other lords are ruthless. They will hunt you. Do not expose your weakness.
A chill ran down my spine.
“But what about… last night. Those other girls saved me. Even if the lords demand otherwise, I don’t think the girls would hurt me.”
They’re magical girls, after all. The hope of humanity. Girls just like me… no, no, no, no. They’re good. I know they are. I… want to be good too.
You were lucky. They were naive. Do not test your fortune. The purple maiden chose to help. She could have not. Those with experience are less generous.
And with that, the eye closed, leaving my palm to look normal again. I felt unnerved by what I was just told. I refused to believe it, but had trouble shaking off the idea. Magical girls wouldn’t hurt each other, other people, no matter what. My stomach churned. What about Nightingale? She knew who I was, and I knew her identity as well. Was that safe because we belonged to the same god? But what about with other girls? Memories of her eyes flashed through my mind. Violent gazes of destruction. I didn’t want to think about it. I kept staring at my empty palm.
After a moment, I raised my hand. My left hand. The one I could let them see.
“Yes, Rebecca” called the teacher, “do you know the answer?”
There was a question on the board, a series of numerical runes that meant nothing to me.
“I need to use the bathroom”
A few people in the back of the classroom laughed, and I felt my face burst into flames of embarrassment.
“Go ahead.”
I rushed out before anyone could comment.
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Standing at the sink, I made sure to wash my hand thoroughly with soap, though it didn’t feel like it did any good.