With George gone my life is fairly empty. Ok I'll admit it hasn't even been a day since George went to the big tool shed in the sky and perhaps I'm being a little melodramatic. I have decided that for George's sake I must get stronger, I can't let his noble sacrifice be in vain! It's time to tackle my magic. It's time I learn something more about magic theory, perhaps I will learn how to properly use my magic. It just so happens it's my class for today. 

*** 

Class was just dismissed... I learned fucking shit. Absolutely nothing! Also, why is it the only classes I truly enjoy have to do with the planting of crops? Yet, I'm apparently going to become a battle mage... this is... shit. I guess only practice can make perfect. I have the rest of the day then two free days. I have to tend to my "farm" and I need fertilizer anyway. If it is for the sake of my precious plot of land I must do it! 

I'm now banging my head into the ground. I just realized how comfortable I am with being labeled as Farmer: the perverted shit mage. Fuck! Am I meant to struggle forever, to just submit like some dog?! Fucking shit! This is all just shit!

After banging my head into the ground until it bled I've managed to calm myself. 

***

The academy had some fertilizer in one of the many storage sheds near the back of the property. I now have a bag half my size on my back. It stinks of shit and is hard to hold on my back without dropping it. Back breaking labor. I can only do it step by step but if my magic was working I could simply bring it along, no labor required. My fucking magic, others already grasped their magic. I'm starting to wonder if maybe it isn't my magic that is shit but me...

***

I'm sprawled out on the ground. My back hurts, I don't want to move. I'm covered in sweat and dirt. Not to mention I'm beginning to smell like the shit I've been hauling around. The only blessing I've had today is that no one is bugging me. Then again I doubt anyone would get near a guy carrying a large ass bag full of shit on his back. I think my public image is just as bad as my magic, shit. Not that it really matters now.

Time to start my training. I sit up, even if my body is in pain. I really can't stay this weak. If I do I might honestly be disowned. Not to mention I won't be able to hold a decent standing in the government with my magic. All the king and all of those in the hierarchy care for is strength of one's magic. Magic is what keeps this world moving. Personally I like manual labor, probably because my magic is useless so it's the only thing I can rely on. 

When I think about it. Even in the military all they do is march out there with their skinny bodies with nothing but robes for protection. They rely on magic for protection, they don't need heavy armor or even things like knives because they have grimoires. I probably looked like some sort of barbarian yesterday! To actually use brute physical force rather than magic is already a sort of misconduct! I have to learn my magic or I will truly suffer.

I sit the bag of fertilizer straight up on the ground in front of my "field" so that I can get get started. I extend my hand and close my eyes. I have my grimoire open in my right hand. I can feel my connection to the shit. I only recently discovered that since my magic has to do with shit I can sense it and in a sense form a connection with it. All of sudden some jibberish comes out of my mouth, is this the incantation?

I just started to say the words without really thinking. The language used for incantations is rather mysterious. I thought I was saying it right before however I guess this is right?

The mana from the world started compressing then contracting rapidly. I this supposed to happen, I can't stop the incantation. It's like it is coming straight from the bottom of my heart. 

*BOOM*

Fuck. This wasn't like last time. Last time I simply threw around some shit. This time, it disintegrated. It turned into a dusty cloud of shit. Fuck. Perhaps if I knew how I did it? Or if I rember end that incantation? I really don't know. Magic, it's quite an abstract thing. It does what it wants it seems... I wave my hand in anger. 

The enormous shit cloud immediately moves before lying itself atop the soil. Holy shit! I did it? I wave my hand again while thinking about it and some of the shit moves with my will. Awesome! Is this my lucky break? I can feel a large grin taking shape on my face. It was too easy I tell ya! I need more of a challenge! Hahahahaaa!

I'm waving my hands around like a madman in my excitement. I can't help it! This is such great news! I thought it would take longer to master the spell! This is an enormous stroke of luck! 

*Muffled Explosion* What the fuck? *Screeching of a dying animal*

Oh shit. I'm losing control of my power! I just blew up a squirrel's intestines... this might be a problem. The shit from its intestines is now hovering above my hand. This is fucked up. The squirrel is still squealing, it's crawling with its forearms trying to get away. I think I might throw up. What should I do? I don't want to do that to a person! What if I lose focus and accidentally blow up someone's intestines?! Fucking magic! I really got what I wanted but I can't fucking control it! Damn!

I just lost focus and squirrel shit is now on my hand. Fuck! 

***

I am trying to concentrate with all of my might. I would rather not murder someone today. What the fuck is with this power? I thought it was just shit, now it is shit in a different sense. Is this how it is when my father feels with his blood magic. Wait can't I just cut off the flow of mana? 

I cut off the flow of mana from my body that is powering the spell.

*BOOM*

A small flock of birds just fell from the sky. Fucking hell. Why did that not work? Maybe now that my connection with magic is so high the spell isn't to activate the effect... rather control it? What the fuck is this shit? I've never heard of a problem like this before! Damn it!

I quickly activate the spell again. I can once more see the film of mana around my body, small tendrils are reaching out towards shit. Is this thing alive?! No, I think it might just be a property of my mana... I have no fucking clue! Isn't this supposed to just cover my hand?! This is too powerful for me, I'm just a simple farmer damn it!

I'm now running to my grandfather's office. I just have to breathe. Breathe. Come one breathe. I can't lose control of my magic. I push open the door to my grandfather's office as fast I could. He might be an old pervert but he is a sly old shit who knows a hell of a lot more than I do. 

I open the door. What in god's name...

Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

*Pleasured moans*

I'm going to gag. I don't want to think about what I just saw... Fuck. I have to keep calm, calm, calm. I just saw my grandfather's naked body, keep calm? Fucking shit! Breathe damn it breathe. I quickly close the door after hearing a scream of surprise and I'm now sitting with my back against the wall clutching my knees. I'm breathing deeply to try and calm myself.

The door opens and a young woman comes out. She has long brown hair and is wearing a short skirt and a tight shirt. Not that she had it on a couple seconds ago. The old man was just... ugh...

The girl snorts coldly at me before stomping her feet while saying, "Don't tell anyone what you saw!" She is now walking awkwardly away, I think she is a bit weak at the knees at the moment. Just what the fuck is running through that old man's head? 

I hear the door open again, it's the old devil only he has clothes on now. He is looking down at me. He is opening his mouth as if to say something, but he just closed it again. I think he can see the strange mana surrounding my body, I heard that stronger mages could see the mana flowing through pretty much everything. Now he is standing there looking at me. He has a twisted look in his eyes.

He kicks me hard. I go flying down the hallway. Breathe, don't get angry, breathe damn it. Now he is yelling at me, "What in the fucking hell did you do to get yourself cursed?!" Cursed... Does that mean I cursed myself to have everything near me explode into shit? A curse of being forever alone? If I did not require all of my concentration at the moment my head would already be through a wall. Actually what is stopping me from making his intestines explode! I'll kill him damn it! 

I focus my attention on the old man. The short tendrils from before are suddenly stretching and reaching out to connect itself with the shit in the old man's abdomen. What in the hell?

The mana tendrils can't enter his body. It's like a rubber ball hitting a hard floor. Fucking hell! The mana is rebounding towards me, focus! I can't die by my own power! Breathe! The tentacle stops around my stomach. Shit, too close. The magic rebounded and I almost killed myself... Fuck.

"Interesting. It's obviously a curse you cast. Otherwise it wouldn't aim for my intestines... interesting, how very interesting. I happen to have something to fix this... well come on." The old perv motions me into his office. 

I follow him inside. I look at the desk... I can still see the young woman from earlier laid on top of it in my mind... I shake my head in an attempt to deter... corrupt... thoughts. Grandfather walks over to a sort of wardrobe and opens it. I can feel the cold air from that place. I follow him into the wardrobe and down the cobblestone steps, into the darkness. 

It's the play room. Oh boy. My grandfather walks over towards what seems to be a pile of rags. He kicks it with a sickening force. I hear a muffled shriek. Out of the pile of wraps crawls Wugo, the hunchback man that welcomed my father and I when we arrived. I saw him down here last time but I didn't think he slept down here... surround by all of these... toys. 

Wugo stands up awkwardly before giving a low bow, "Hello~ master~ what do you require of me~?" His method of speech just screams "kissing ass".

"Are they done? I need them right now." Gramps is serious today... is a curse really that bad? 

"Yes master right this way, I just finished them." What are they talking about?

Wugo leads us to a table and there they are. Awesome. Just plain awesome. Two magical robes. One is black and the other red.

"This one is yours, take it. It should be able to seal the curse. This robe has the ability to weigh down mana. It feeds off of the wearer's mana. It can block most projectile spells and with the hood on it allows for protection against mind control magic... this also includes aphrodisiacs... *sigh~" Why do you sound disappointed! 

"There are other features, here is the manual." This thing needs a fucking manual?! What in god's name did you do to it?!

Pushing some thoughts aside I pick it up. There is a sort of cape attached to the back of the robe. I see there, on the cape, is my house's insignia. The falcon had its wings stretched and head held high despite its innards being displayed. I shake my head. Wait, woah. There are thousands upon thousands of runes. They are stitched in dark grey on the black clothe. You wouldn't be able to tell they were runes until you look up close. Putting my hand on the cloth I could feel this strange mana covering my body dissipate. It was just swallowed by the robe.

"You are actually damn lucky. That curse seems to be self sustaining. This means that the burden of the Vampiric Robe is virtually nothing yet you get all of it benefits." Me, lucky?

"Still, to curse yourself. You are lucky. It seems you can at least suppress even control it. I once had a student like you who had a breakthrough. Like you he cursed himself. He was a mage who could use food magic. He was practicing a spell that made people hungry... when we found him he already ate one arm and was chewing on the other one. He died due to the weight of his arm rupturing his stomach. I'm glad you didn't make your intestines go BOOM! Hehehe..." I think all of the blood in my body is like ice at this moment. I really am lucky... this is a first for me.

Suddenly I realize something, "Why are there two of them?" I ask grandfather with some intrigue. There should be no reason to make my sister something like this...

"Oh, these were going to be my wedding gifts to you and your fiancée." Don't say that with a straight face!

"Who?!" Shit! My life is already hard enough!

"The king promised your father after the last war that you could marry one of his daughters. He went to talk to the king after you met with me that day a couple weeks ago. He didn't tell you? Shouldn't you already know her? You did bash her face in with a shovel after all." Fuck! Don't smile at me like that! Shit!!!

{CHAPTER END}

[NEXT TIME ON MAGIC IS OVERRATED...]

[Love Is... Shit!]

•—•—•—•

A word from the author: Kyte is getting stronger yet his life gets no easier. Well I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I know that not everyone who reads this will respond however I need YOUR help! Do me a favor and post some ideas for strange magic you would like to see later in the story. I may use your suggestions also I love to hear from fellow weirdos(if you were normal you wouldn't have read this far, don't lie to yourself)! Anyway next chapter will be soon~ have a shitty day~! :)