Word from the author: I was having a shitty day so I put on the guise of a shitty author and wrote a shitty chapter for a shitty story about a shit mage and his shitty life. Next chapter will be out soon. Enjoy~

•—•—•—•

I'm sitting in my room awaiting my impending doom. I am currently trying to at least get pants on. That's when I hear movement underneath my bed. Then I see his wrinkly old hand... Then his decrepit face, it's the devil. He just came out from under my bed. What the fuck.

"Quickly into the tunnels. You're my only grandson, the family needs heirs ya' know?" Then he just slides into the shadows underneath my bed... again, what the fuck.

I slide myself under my bed and notice that some of the wood panels had been lifted up and slid to the side. Now here is a good question, should I follow the old bat or stay and explain myself? Why do I feel like both are horrible options. However, I do believe despite his... tendencies... my grandfather is still family. So I start sliding myself into the hole.

Shit! Something just grabbed my ankle and is pulling me. There before my face is my grandpa, "Too slow boyo, can't have them finding this now can we?" He slid the boards back in place so it now looks like a regular floor and he is gone. Fuck! Don't leave me here!

"Don't let him get away! Who knows what kind of magic he has!" What magic I have? Shit! I have shit magic damn you! If I had a more useful magic I would've escaped by now!

I feel multiple hands grabbing my legs. Now I'm out in the open, at least I have pants on this time. They flop me over. Looking down upon me are tens of deathly shadows. I think I'm going to die. In all honesty I might be able to enjoy being surrounded by a pack of females... however... considering those deathly stares I'm getting I'll just forget about that for now.

***

I've been bound by vines, gagged, and that redhead from before is holding a flame to my face. This situation... is just... crap. I've been kicked in the gut too many times now. However, those kicks hold no weight next to a kick from gramps. Speaking of gramps he is currently in front of me... asking me questions.

"How dare you expose yourself before such an innocent young lady. And to believe you are my grandson, what do you have to say for yourself?" I would probably scream out something about how he gave me that room. I would probably tell them about the tunnel beneath the bedroom. Sadly I can't even make a simple excuse, because I'm gagged. I've been hogtied and gagged.

The redhead's flame just got a little closer to my face. Her face is flushed red. "He molested me with his beady little eyes! Just like a wolf eyeing a fat hen." She says such unfounded accusations. Wait, beady eyes? Molested with a creepy stare. Shit! I don't want to be like my grandfather! Anything but that! I would slam my head into the floor if I could still move! Damn it all!

"Now now. Let's talk this out like civilized human beings." Wait grandpa, you're saying something wise. Maybe I should praise his wisdom. Wait, civilized? How can we have a civilized talk with me tied up like this?! I'm shaking at the injustice of it all. Come on just a bit closer flame, almost there. Just end it all. Fuck. 

The redhead just closed her hand, extinguishing the flame. Now she is holding a fist before my face.

*the sounds of a dying man*

"Of course headmaster." I think I hear poisoning dripping off of redhead's words. My vision is fading. Curse it all...

***

I just woke up. My hands and feet are no longer tied and I don't have a rag stuffed in my mouth either. It's dark and I can't see. "Am I dead?" I give voice to a stupid question.

Suddenly a light flips on. My grandfather is sitting in front of me in a plain chair. He's smiling and it is currently sending shivers all over my body. He answers my question and more, "No you aren't dead. I managed to convince them that you could never escape. All I had to do is tell them about your magic . As soon as I told them they all felt so bad for you they let you go. However, you have to make a formal apology to your roommate since you'll be living together for the rest of the school year." 

"R-roommate..." Shit! I think I was tricked. 

"I didn't tell you? Rooms 1 through 300 are in the other wing, the men's dorm. Rooms 1 through 300 are for first year men but there simply wasn't any room so I place you in our only vacancy. In room 327, rooms 301 to 600 are in the first year women's dorm." Don't tell me that now! And that smile! Wait, I was here before everyone else yet he still gave me that room. Scheming old man!

I shake my head before asking a more immediate question, "Where are we?"

"Oh, this just my play room. It's where I keep all of my toys. Wugo turn on all the lights." He says so then one by one mana lights click on revealing... something I really don't want to be seeing.

This "play room" is more accurately a sex dungeon. I chains and whips. I think I'm going to die. I see tables with straps. I see special gags and things I don't want to even know what they are. I ask grandpa out of fear, "W-Why am I here?"

"Oh. Well you were unconscious and I needed your measurements. I figured now would be better than later." I'm not going to pry further. I really don't want to know. I have a feeling I'll find out either way though.

Love what you're reading? Discover and support the author on the platform they originally published on.

***

Gramps led me out of the "play room" and back into the dorms. Let's just say I now know where those tunnels lead. There is a tunnel leading to the bottom of every bed in the women's dorm. The old fucker is really scary, only god knows what he will do.

Anyway it seems that for lunch gramps arranged for me to explain myself to the redhead, I just learned her name is Flara. So I am now sitting in a fairly empty office. There are two couches facing each other. Then there is a coffee table between them. I'm on one couch and Flara on the other.

She is staring at me nervously. She just looked at me then the door. Now she has an angry expression and her face is almost the same shade of red as her hair, she is surprisingly cute. Wait, no. I have to resist! I can't become that old pervert! 

I decided it's time to break this awkward silence. Sadly it seems my grandpa is already on it, and I have the feeling that whatever he is going to do will lead to me losing my "head". 

"Some lunch to break this sour mood~! Here are some sandwiches and iced tea, courtesy of my wife." He winked at me with that last sentence. I'm dead! Fucking shit! This old man is going to get me killed!

What if she gets all frisky from the aphrodisiac? The answer is, she will blame me for rape and incinerate my manhood! I don't need these kinds of problems! I have enough problems dealing with this shit magic and all of aspects of my damned shitty life!

Grandpa just left the platter of sandwiches on the coffee table. This is bad. Redhead is reaching for a sandwich. Only option I can think of is to slap it out of her hand. 

"Aaah! What was that for!" I think I just made her angry. However, that is within expectation. 

"Trust me. You don't want to eat these sandwiches." I just got a flashback of my own experience with it. Let's just say if gramps wasn't there I would've probably pounced on anything that moved.

"You can't tell me what to do! Why would I trust you after what you did! I don't care if you're magic is shit, gives you no right to boss me around! Humph" Shit! Shit! Shit! She just started shoving them in her mouth! What the fuck is her problem! I gotta get out of here!

I'm trying to open the door but it won't budge. I hear a whisper from behind the door, it's my grandpa, "Be sure to do it right and produce an heir because you might not be able to later! Hahahahaa..." He just walked away laughing. Damn it. I'm banging my head onto the door. I want to bust this door down but it is too fucking solid! Curse my shitty life! Curse this rotting cesspool that is the world! Curse redhead's bad timing! Curse her stubbornness! Curse my perverted grandfather! And curse my shitty magic!!!

I feel something rubbing against my back... it's soft. Fuck! I don't like being forced to do anything! I'm not some toy damn it! I turn around and see Flara. She is drooling, her knees are buckling, her face is bright red, and she is clinging to me! Stop fucking grinding on me damn you! 

Crap, my vision is red! I must resist! I don't know what I will do! God damn you! Curse my piss poor temper! Fuck it all. I think this won't end well.

***

I just woke up. This is odd. I don't have that heavy feeling in my chest and I'm not breathing heavy. What did I do? I look around. 

Nothing is destroyed it seems. I didn't turn into a wild animal obviously because my clothes are still on. However, I just realized... I have Flara in a choke hold. I guess I dragged her over to the couch and knocked her out. Surprisingly good judgement despite my rage filled self. 

She is sitting on my lap. I have my right arm resting on her shoulder and my left arm is wrapped around her waist. She is using my right arm as a pillow... she is drooling. She has a sick smile on her face and is muttering things I really don't want to hear. I don't want to know what she is dreaming about.

I guess I'll just sit here and enjoy the fact a girl is using me as a body pillow. I'd rather not wake her up before the aphrodisiac wears off. This position is... tempting me. I'll admit it. I'm scum but I would rather not have her drugged. Deep down I think forcing her and watching those tears run down her face would bring me more joy. Oh shit. I really am related to that old pervert. I can't let him rub off on me.

***

It's been at least a couple hours. I've simply sitting here and no I didn't do anything weird! Flara just started moving. She twisted herself and is looking at me. What is it now? She is obviously awake. If I have to I'll just strangle her again. The fact that I accepted that option so easily says a lot about my character. 

I don't know what she is thinking. She doesn't appear to be angry. I'm going to assume she remembers how she was acting because she is giving me an odd expression. She is now hugging me tightly but it's not like before when she was rubbing up on me. Is this a good sign? Wait she is choking me now, ow! Ow, help! I can't breathe! 

"How dare you touch me!" Help this bitch is crazy!

Before I lose consciousness I manage to whisper out these words, "I swear it's a.. *choking* ...misunderstanding... *more choking*" Shit...

{CHAPTER END}

[NEXT TIME ON MAGIC IS OVERRATED...]

[The Birth of Farmer: The Shittiest Mage]