The day did not begin like any other. No sirree, this was not a regular Tuesday – there was something massive preventing my morning routine from starting. From the moment I opened my eyes to the moment I realized I had died, I figured something was wrong.
Let me paint the scene for you.
I was lying on a bench in what looked like a waiting room. What the waiting room was for I couldn’t tell – just that it encompassed the vibe of every room I had ever been forced to wait in. Kind of like a doctor’s office mixed with a dentist mixed with a train station mixed with the little room outside of the principal’s office back in grade school…a hodgepodge of rooms.
Ahead of me, a single desk stood almost out of place in the area that was clearly meant for waiting. Behind the desk, a plain-looking woman sat – flipping through papers and muttering to herself with a slightly cute level of fluster.
She looked up suddenly as soon as I began to stir – her eyes lighting up at the sight of my dishevelled form. As she focused on me, all of her work appeared to disappear as if it was never there – it didn’t noticeably vanish it just…was no longer there with me not catching the moment it all faded away.
Guess the papers are shy huh?
“Good! You’re up!” extracting herself from a comfortable-looking chair, the woman walked confidently around her desk to stand in front of me. She wore a business casual sort of effort, a small pin on her breast pocket stating ‘world’s best goddess’.
“Look at you! You look great!” She laughed waving her arms around and throwing her arms wide as if showing me off to someone else. Tadaaaa and all that – suddenly mid-tada, she paused… as if just remembering she was at work.
Don’t worry girl. No one’s judging you.
The woman tried to play off all her previous actions awkwardly scratching her arm and then lowering it to cough.
“Okay, sorry, I got a bit carried away. Let me start from the top I’m not used to this part of the job yet.” – I’ve been there. You got this!
The woman paused then took a deep breath and began speaking quickly and with as much energy as she could. “You’re dead. There’s no easy way to say this. You died – but don’t worry! It turns out you are the chosen one! The one destined to save a fantasy world from the dreaded demon king! I’m here to help you pick out your magical abilities and gifts you’ll take with you on your journey! This is an amazing opportunity!!”
The goddess beamed at me, an infectious excitement leaking out of every single one of her movements.
I can hear the exclamations in her words – it’s like she’s waving them around in front of me jabbing me with the point. Definitely more than one – she might have been duel wielding the pointy buggers.
Now about what she’s actually saying…I have dozens of questions of course. Dozens upon dozens of questions I want to ask – one single one bubbles up and escapes my lips before I can properly sort out my thoughts.
… ”Why?” I ask.
…
The goddess’s excitement dims slightly. “Why? Why what? What why, my dear?” she smiles and laughs as if she had just made a joke but a faint…something leaks out. Panic? Exasperation? I can’t tell what emotion it might be.
“Why me?
“How did I die?
“Why am I the chosen one?
“What does saving the world entail?
“I’ve read Isekais before, I don’t think I want to be shoved into a war I have no stakes in.” I begin rambling.
This is a bad habit of mine. I’m sorry, please please bear with the stream of consciousness for a minute – it’s an embarrassing habit that sort of just “happens” when I’m nervous.
Would you believe I’m nervous a lot?
“Of course, I love reading about fantasy worlds. I love magic – would I get magic? But I’ve read how a lot of these stories go. If I’m being reincarnated, I don’t want to be forced to fight things if I can help it. Can I be reincarnated as a crafting gal instead? Become a magic farmer and live my life peacefully far away from conflict? Why do I have to fight a demon lord – can someone else do it? I don’t think I’m really hero quality – do you? I once spread jam on the wrong side of a slice of bread and picked it up wrong that can’t be hero material. Not a mistake someone competent might make. Can’t I have a nice peaceful reincarnation instead of one filled with danger and pain and I don’t think I’m really a chosen one, do you? I think we both know you are just trying to make me feel special but that’s not going to work on me! Nope. I’m onto you. I want to know what’s happening – what’s really happening – and what you want from me and is my dog alright? I died right? Was it at home? Does anyone know? Is she being fed?” My voice cracks slightly as my wishes stream out in a massive torrent.
I hadn’t taken a single breath while speaking – did I still need to breathe? I was dead, right? Where am I? What am I right now? The more I talk, the more disappointed the woman gets and the more I feel like I need to breathe into a paper bag.
I can feel her disappointment – like a teacher showing me a failing grade. I’m sorry okay! I just don’t want to become some weapon in some war I have no stakes in. Is that really such a big deal?
Walking around to her desk, the goddess sits down carefully shuffles about some papers and then begins to talk.
“Fine. We can do it this way instead.”
Her voice is no longer excited. She looks like I yelled at her – I really didn’t, I just kind of vomited out all my thoughts out. I didn’t even raise my voice! This is an over-reaction and a half if you ask me. She legit looks like I kicked her.
She pauses for a moment and then continues.
“…I actually have no clue how you died – let’s just say you got hit by a truck. You are the chosen one because I chose you. That’s what that means. I reached down into the river of souls and ‘chose’ you from amongst the countless. Your soul looked nice and pure so I thought you might be a good fit for the job. Nice and heroic. Buuuut. If you don’t want it, I can go pick someone else.” She finished.
Yes! Someone else can go off on a wide-eyed adventure to kill some monster. I’m going to get the other sort of fantasy! The one where I can finally afford to own property and can sit back and rake in the cash from my magical veggies or whatever. “Perfect! So, I can have a fun life instead? Something like the stories I’ve been reading recently?”
The Goddess doesn’t respond – instead, she stamps a few sheets in silence. Between you and me this woman doesn’t actually look like she is actually working – it really looks like she is just pretending to be busy, so she doesn’t have to answer.
That’s bad right?
I don’t think I’m going to like her response.
“Reincarnating someone costs a lot you know? Giving you all those powerful abilities for free? I only really have the budget to spend on those who will help in the unending war against chaos. I’m sorry but if you don’t want to help, I’m going have to toss you back in the river of souls.” She stamps the paper in front of her in a particularly aggressive manner – three BANG BANG BANG’s – and then winces, not looking up at me.
If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.
Toss me back? Into a river? Like you do with fish?
…that…that doesn’t sound good. “I’d be fine without any cheats.” I start speaking quickly once again – without the time to really think things through.
“What happens if you put me back in the river of souls? I just found out I died – I don’t want to die again. Why can’t I help out as a farmer instead of a hero? It’s a war, right? Farmers are important for wars; they help feed people and stuff. But don’t put me near the front lines, I don’t want a stray blast from some epic fight to burn down all my work just because I got in the way. Isn’t there another option? Option B?” I’m begging by this point – even if I can’t help but slip more wishes into the pile.
I’m greedy, okay! Is it really greedy to want a peaceful life? Without pain and betrayal? I don’t know. I know what I want to have happen and it’s not this.
I’d rather be forced to be a hero than die for good, but I really really don’t want to be a hero. It doesn’t make sense that only soldiers get reincarnated. If she wanted soldiers, there’s no way I looked the best for this job. Pure? Doesn’t that mean I’m too pure for war? It feels really weird to be thought of as pure – that’s not me at all. I’ve seen some absolutely filthy things that shall not be named!
I peek over at the goddess – hopeful something got through to her.
The goddess… Seems confused?
Confused is a good sign isn’t it? At least it’s not angry or disappointed. I can work with confused!
I’ve read adventurous isekais but I’ve also read really cozy crafting series. I’m sure I can get what I want! Have any of them had to pitch the plan to their goddess?
Finally she answers me. Fingers crossed it’s going to be positive. I need you to send me well wishes to get this to work.
I raise my hands in front of my face and peek out towards the goddess like I’m looking through the bars of a jail. I’m hiding from disappointment. It probably looks dumber than I thought it would but I’ve committed.
“That…that hasn’t been done? I also still need to save most of my budget for your replacement I already used some bringing you here. I’m sorry I…I don’t know how that would work.” The goddess stumbles through the idea. I’m not selling it, am I?
Okay. You can do this Sam. Pretend this is a job interview. I slap my face with both hands then face the goddess with as big of a pretend face of confidence as I can.
“Listen, I don’t really know what’s involved in ‘fighting chaos’ but I’m sure I can help from the backlines. You have a hero, right? Big buff guy covered in oiled muscles? The silent type? Really likes solving his problems by hitting them with a sword? So anyways, you have this hero and you need to cover him in glorious overpowered armor right? I could be the one to make that armor! I haven’t smelt anything before, but I’d love to try! It sounds fun, doesn’t it? Come on! There’s plenty I could do! I can be a blacksmith!” I’m really not selling myself at all. Heck I’m bad at interviews. Give me a break, okay?
“That…that might be okay. I’d have to use some of my personal funds instead of the budget allowed for this job, but I might be able to get it to work…” the goddess starts mumbling to herself.
Yes! Even if I suck at selling myself, she’s started to convince anyways!
“Think of it as an investment! I’m sure whatever you spend to help set me up will be…I’m sure it will give you great returns! Give me some time and I’ll have paid you back for what you spent on me and then some!” I continue to push.
The goddess seems to like that idea. Return on investment baby! Should have started with that.
“Alright, so I just have to pick one of the worlds besieged by chaos and stick you somewhere random?”
Oh…I mean that’s better than being forced to fight but… it's not exactly what I was hoping for.
How do I tell her I want my own farm without sounding greedy? Greedier than I’m already being that is? I’d also accept What…what’s my list of demands and how can I frame it in the best way possible? I need a moment.
I think for a bit and then I respond.
“Okay, this is what I want – you should think of this whole shindig like a business transaction.
“I want to be somewhere safe, and I want to be able to own my own land where I can do whatever I want to it. I don’t want to have to deal with murderers or villains or anything really strong messing around and breaking my place or taking all my stuff from me just because they are stronger. I don’t want any chance of being enslaved or robbed. This should all make sense from your perspective as well – you want to protect your investment from breaking before she pays you back.
“I want the land to actually be livable on – something I can grow crops on.
“I want to be able to get supplies somehow safely. I don’t want to leave my safe farm only to get mugged or murdered – that doesn’t sound fun to me and there’s no point investing in me if I just end up being killed randomly right?
“In exchange, I can make stuff you need…I don’t want to become your slave for the rest of my life… but I’ll definitely be able to pay you back for everything you give me and then some! It would be nice if you could frame whatever you need from in in terms of jobs that are fair and I’d actually be able to do…
“Also does everyone get magic? Is magic a thing? You mentioned cheats and fantasy world so it’s definitely a thing. There’s no point getting a fantasy without being able to use magic and I’m sure I need it to help you make whatever war supplies you need. Magic items are just all around better than non magic items after all. Sorry I’m getting carried away but can I have magical skills? Ideally something unique and fun…I’m sure it would be useful if I have rare abilities because anyone could make common ones for you. You want stuff worthy of a hero right! Give me the tools to help me help you!” I’m really proud of that last line. I should become a saleswoman.
The goddess had been frantically writing down all my requests but paused at my last question.
“Yes, everyone everywhere but dead zones like your previous planet has magic…that’s just a fact of life. I’m not able to afford any of the standard affinities – you know the most common ones.” The goddess continues.
I nod along vigorously. “That’s fine, stuff like fire and water affinities, right?”
The goddess looks confused.
“No, no one ever asks for those. I mean generic strong affinities heroes always ask for. One in five heroes have a time affinity these days, one in four pick gravity, one in seven pick some flavor of void. Almost half ask for ‘every affinity’ or ‘arcane/all-magic’ which really just translates to not giving them any affinity at all. That’s just a trick of the trade – we usually give those types some generic control and creation skills instead and they are happy. No, what I meant is I can’t splurge on artificially giving you some ‘hero affinity’ – any of the skills rated as guaranteed to set your hired hero up for demon king slaying. You’ll have to make do with the normal ones…I can always nudge some things to make sure you don’t get anything incredibly common? Even without my nudges if you aren’t living in a common place, you won’t get common skills” The goddess answered.
…oh, well – “That’s fine. If there’s anything you can do to make it easier for me to be a crafter and pay you back, I’d love that, but magic is magic.” I’ll just have to be happy with what I’m given. I know I’m being a huge pain in the touchie. It would suck if I get the goddess all greased up and then she changes her mind last second because I annoyed her.
The goddess finished a few lines then looked at her contract. “Is that everything?”
I start to panic. Was that too much? Did I want anything else? Yes! I wanted so so so many things, but I’d already asked for a lot. Should I hold off?
“Can I have a magic beast to start with? Something not too dangerous that gives me milk to start my farm off with? And some seeds and basic survival supplies maybe? Whatever isn’t hard for you to give.” I ended up blurting out. Yes I was greedy – that’s kind of been the theme of this negotiation – but really. She’s just going to be helping me help her! Anything that would get me started off would help me get going quicker. I already have clothes on – I’m going assume she’s going to send me in with these on I really don’t want to deal with a nude start to my adventure. Should I have added that to the contract?
The goddess marked a single point onto her paper and then shoved it across the table towards me.
“Just sign there, I hope I got everything correct – even threw in a bonus section to help change the arrangements in the future.” The goddess seems so happy – almost as happy as she had when we first met – and so I’m finding it hard to bring myself to tell her…well I can’t read a single word she has written. Everything is in scribbles – black lines that I could swear just moved out of the corner of my eyes. Densely densely packed together more scribble than legible. These words are so weird – it is almost like the words themselves are three dimensional – the writing is starting to make my head hurt like a broken optical illusion. It kind of reminded me of how in over my head I was.
I signed.
Maybe you’d call it stupid signing without reading the lettering – without knowing it was really the right contract – but at this stage I just hoped she would let me have a farm. I didn’t even care about a magic cow or anything even if it would be nice. I just wanted to own some land and get some passive income.
Taking the contract back from me as soon as I finished, the goddess carefully placed it in her desk, then smiled.
“Let’s get you to your land now should we? I do hope this works out; I’ll be eating cheaply these next few centuries if it doesn’t.”
And then suddenly I was gone.
Without warning, without a transition.
I was suddenly inexplicably gone.