People usually experience a slight bout of confusion after experiencing time manipulation for the first time. But not our hero, oh no. He is currently hunched over and forcefully expressing his previous consumptions at an alarming rate. It happens when both the hero and his or her stomach are weak and a failure in their parent's eyes.
“Nice segue into more of your bullshit. But no, I wasn't throwing up. I was just sharing food with a couple of baby birds that had fallen out of their mother's nest.”
A bird-nest inside an inn? Interesting. At this point however, purely when considering the ratio between liquid food and bird, the hero has created an acidic chicken broth rather than a meal. In fact, the bird is currently drowning.
“No, no, that's how birds build character. He'll have to eat his way through if he wants to survive. It's natural gastric selection.”
Survival of the fittest stomach?
“Exactly. People always forget to train that part.”
Obesity certainly is rare nowadays.
“But getting back to the topic at hand, I'm fairly certain the guy who warned us about a great new evil that has arisen is, in fact, himself that great new evil. Following the base logic of he who smelt it, has in fact dealt it.”
Blaming your other five senses for a lack of brainpower doesn't automatically produce a logical outcome, oh great hero.
“That's not what the dentists say, nine out of ten of them agree with me.”
Why nine dentists?
“Because I used the tenth as an example to the other nine. To show them when happens when they disagree.”
The narrator grabbed a few pages of literature from the hero's back-pocket and read them. After letting out a sight he burned the papers to a crisp and asks the hero what to answer if random strangers on the street offer him communist propaganda again?
“Thank you for the toilet paper?”
Eh, good enough. All they had back then to print on was probably toilet paper and toilet paper derivatives.
“Toilet paper that toilet paper uses?”
No, that's meta toilet paper.
“What's a meta for?”
A word or phrase used in an imaginative way to represent or stand for something else(e.g. The long arm of the law).
“Didn't know it was related to law enforcement. Sounds a bit too capitalist to me.”
So does common sense. It's important to not try and think with your intellect and just follow the storyline.
“Right. So shouldn't I be getting a quest right about now? Defeat the big, bad baddy. Slay the infernal wenches. Find the great evil pubah, etc.”
This narrator assumed you didn't want any more quests. This narrator will oblige the hero's wish and procure more feral dogs.
“Oh, no. No worries, no need to on my part. Also, fuck you. Sincerely.”
So does the hero require more or less feral dogs?
“The hero requires none. Like Poland required the Germans and the Russians.”
Very topical. But continued fornication with the fourth wall can only end badly.
“You're telling me.”
That is indeed the narrator's job. To tell the hero. Suddenly a small forlorn beep played in the background and the hero's character screen popped up.
STRENGTH: 0
INTELLIGENCE: 0
AGILITY: 0
DEXTERITY: 0
LUCK: 130
ACHIEVEMENTS:
'Oh you lucky so and so.' - S
The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.
'Innate colon user' - A
'I'm a kitchensink, daddy!' SSS
ABILITIES:
'Pelvis thrust' – A
'Pelvic barrage' – no.
MAIN QUEST:
Main quest: find the great, big evil.
“Well that's easy, it was the guy we met before. Wasn't it?”
Another ding played and the character screen adjusted.
STRENGTH: 0
INTELLIGENCE: 0
AGILITY: 0
DEXTERITY: 0
LUCK: 130
ACHIEVEMENTS:
'Oh you lucky so and so.' - S
'Innate colon user' - A
'I'm a kitchensink, daddy!' SSS
ABILITIES:
'Pelvis thrust' – A
'Pelvic barrage' – no.
MAIN QUEST: find the great, big evil. There is a zero percent chance it's the questgiver.
“How would you know?”
DING
MAIN QUEST: Just call it a fucking hunch. Now get on with it, you absolute tool.
“You know, for an inanimate thing, you're really unpleasant to work with. And downright rude as well.”
DING
MAIN QUEST: Sorry, I don't speak the below common tongue. Just fucking do it already, I got like 40 other jobs to finish and you're holding up the line.
“Fine, fine, just go. I'll just save the world on my own. As usual.”
DING
MAIN QUEST: You... annoy me. So, so much. How the hell would a rural bumpkin that couldn't hold his own genitals without a detailed manual and five years of practical trail and error save the world on his own before all the luxury shit we afford you?
“Well.. euhm... you kinda put me on the spot here. Mind went blank due to your rudeness.”
DING
MAIN QUEST: IT'S ALWAYS BEEN BLANK YOU BLEEEEP BLEEEEEEEEEEEEP.
“I practise the oriental ways of the empty mind and empty hand. What you see before you is a first generation grandmaster. So show some respect. Also, I think your autocensor went off there for a second.”
Children... children please. Also, system? Stop messing about with the questlines. This narrator will handle matters.
DING
MAIN QUEST: I hope your hero falls ass-first on his sword. Good... bye.
“That's a bit too kinky for me. I wouldn't be able to handle the vibrations either. That system voice is really messed up.”
Stop... annoying... the system. The hero will need it later on.
BEEP
The hero's character screen popped up above his head again.
STRENGTH: 0
INTELLIGENCE: 0
AGILITY: 0
DEXTERITY: 0
LUCK: 130
ACHIEVEMENTS:
'Oh you lucky so and so.' - S
'Innate asshole' - SSS
'I'm a kitchensink, daddy!' SSS
ABILITIES:
'Pelvis thrust' – A
'Pelvic barrage' – no.
MAIN QUEST: find the great, big evil and stop bothering me.
Oef... The hero's Innate colon user achievement has changed slightly.
“What does it do now?”
This narrator dares not explain it while children are about. The hero would be wise to just ignore it.
“You said that the last time as well. You can't expect me to use achievements that I know nothing about?”
Well... if the hero is sure. Try using your luck based magic, the lucky pelvic thrust!
The hero did as instructed and pushed his pelvis back and forward as he steadily increased the frequency.
“O-Ok, n-now w-what-t?”
The hero suddenly let out a fart and flew through the wall leaving behind a perfect outline of his body. The inn-keeper was furious and terrified at the same time due to the level of artistic ability the hero displayed. She had just wished for a different canvas to be used. Still thrusting, the hero moved forward through every cottage and dwelling in his way. Collecting all sorts of clothes and undergarments as is customary with physical comedy skits.
CONGRATULATIONS, ABILITIES HAVE EVOLVED!
'Pelvis thrust' has become 'Gas Powered Pelvic Thrust'!
'Pelvic barrage' has become 'Pelvic Flight'!