Without the comfort and wholesome experience of a pulled pork sandwich, our intrepid hero finds himself stalking old ladies again. Some people have weird hobbies, some have illegal ones. Sure, the hero might whine and moan, as he's accustomed to, that it's for a special quest. Written down on a piece of yellow toilet-paper that he shoves in people's faces to prove he's not a pervert. But you know better by now, dear reader.

“Look, there's a fourth wall for a reason okay, if we keep breaking it then the entire house will come down.”

Oh alright. Our hero, having verbally accosted nearly two dozen old ladies, found himself surrounded by their husbands. The ones that were still alive and mobile at least. One of them pointed a cane under the hero's nose.

“You after our women, son?”

“Oh god, no. No no. No, seriously no. I cannot stress this enough. There's no single timeline in existence or even outside of existence, just to cover my bases, that would have me have any type of interest in older women. I'm just looking for an old lady that's unlike the rest to teach me a few things.”

The old men let out a collective sigh and thought back of better times. The one that addressed the hero previously wiped away a tear and spoke with a nostalgic undertone.

“Mine knew a thing or two alright. Do you know there's something called a reverse, reverse cowgirl? Yeah, neither did I. The things that woman did on our honeymoon were illegal in most countries.”

Another old man put his hand on the first old man's back and joined in.

“Yup, yup, yup. Know whatya mean. She weren't much of a looker, but Christ almighty she was tight. Think she did one o them kegel exercises all the time. That woman could lift mah spirits with her mouth annnny day o the week.”

The hero forced his lunch down and stuck his fingers in his ears.

“Please, please stop. Enough with the granny porn. I just need to find one that can teach me luck based magic.”

The men thought about this until one of them came up with an answer.

“Always thought Nanny Ilf were a bit odd, I does. She into some magical stuff last I heard.”

The other men nodded their head.

“I reckon she still on main street running that witchy lookin place. Our Jessica went in there and I ain't ever seen her again.”

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

An older woman next to him punched him in the side. He looked at her through squinted eyes. Then he put on his glasses and his second pair of glasses.

“Oh, Jessica, we's just talkin bout ya. What we havin for dinner?”

Another punch in the man's side ended the conversation as the woman strutted home, her husband behind her in slow pursuit. The old men looked on as the couple left for such a long time that they forgot why they were there in the first place. Accustomed to forgetfulness, they left the hero behind and went to play pétanque.

After he was left alone he made his way further towards the main street. It hadn't taken long this time. But of course, that was only after asking several more old women for directions. Some kinks are just hard to ignore. He eventually found the weird looking house and entered inside. Wind chimes rang when he closed the door behind him and a raspy voice came from behind a cotton partition.

“Be right with ya, deary. Just puttin in the highlight for missus Macengully. You just sits yer keister down on the chairs near the door, will ya love?”

The hero complied and sat himself next to a buffaloman double his size.

“Excuse, that's buffalo woman.”

Ow. Well, the hero complied and sat himself next to the buffalowoman, slightly larger than the hero. But much more attractive.

“Such a gentleman.”

The hero looked at her.

“Wait, you can hear him?”

“Of course not, dear. But some things ya just don't say to a girl.”

“Ow.. I see. I think.”

And therefore am?

“Silence you. This better be the magic woman you kept talking about.”

Eager to explore the old woman's teachings, our hero sat down and read the titles of the magazines that lay on a nearby table.

How To Please Your Significant Other(s) With A New Foundation Called Cement!

Thirteen Words You Should Never Use In the Bedroom If You Don't Want To Summon A Demon.

How To Lose Weight And Kill Your Enemies, A Practical Guide.

He put the magazines back down and tore out the article on how to lose weight and put it in his pocket.

“You know damn well that wasn't the reason why I took it.”

The owner of the establishment peeked her head behind the cotton partition as she kept working.

“What's that, dear?”

“Oh, euh.. nothing. Just between me and someone annoying.”

“Right you are darling. Have to say though, ain't seen many boys your age visit here. You sure yer in the right place, hon?”

“They told me you could teach me luck based magic.”

“Wel they do tell me my work's magical, dunno bout luck though. Has ya feeling divine and all that. Makes a gall very lucky after I'm done if ya catch mah drift.”

“Sounds like I'm in the right place.”

The hero, unlike a regular hero, dropped to his knees and begged the old woman for a favour.

“Please teach me. My narrator has gone insane and I'll die if I don't learn some magic from you.”

The old woman gave him a careful look.

“Welll... the name's Granny Ilf, but mah friends call me Gilfy. Just sit yer ass down in this chair here and I'll runs ya through the basics.”

The hero obeyed, again, unlike a regular hero, and sat down in a very luxurious looking chair with handles to either side. Gilfy took out a bottle of clear liquid and a nail-file. She grabbed the hero's left hand and started sanding down his atrocious looking nails.

“Ya see darling, most people don't think bout the small details. They just assume that all we do is buff and polish the thing. But with a little effort, ya can make these things sparkle.”

“Ow, so that's where the magic starts then?”

“...In a way, sure. And after they're nice and clean you put on this secret formula to keeps em clean.”

“Oh, I see. You're sealing in the magic to amplify the effect. I've read about this.”

“Ya have, have ya? ...I see. Well, I puts the sealer on and then the same happens with yer toes.”

Gilfy took off the hero's boots and filed down his toenails before applying more of the mixture.

“See how much they sparkles? Now that's magic that is. I bet yer feeling really good by now.”

“Yeah, I feel slightly better? But anyway, we've prepared the magic. Now when can I cast a fireball?”

“A what now, deary?

“You know, fireball. Big magic, luck based magic and all that.”

“I just showed ya. I do yer nails and toesies and then I does some hair-colouring.”

Understanding dawned with the hero who sighed deeply.

Moments later he stepped back outside, boots in hand, with a very angry look on his face as the narrator choked with laughter.