Looking at that extravagant little message, from someone Xi had seen neither hide nor hair of since their fateful, much-publicized kiss on the train platform, Xi felt… Xi felt…
[XiErXi]: @MrJiong are you high???
[MrJiong]: …QAQ
[MrJiong]: how to live on, emperor doesn’t love this old servant’s gifts, wuwuwu
“What’s going on?” Janey had engaged a quick and dirty sound dampener on the camera that was trained on them, using her old, never-removed access. “You look a bit…”
“I’m fine,” Xi said, though he really, really, really wanted to burst into ugly, angry, grateful, stupid tears. This was so… he hadn’t even known how worried he’d been, deep down, that somehow, all of the petty, negative things the gaming tabloids kept eagerly digging up on him would put Jiong off.
It was irrational to think that Jiong would mind any of Xi’s ancient beefs with k-streamers, or that Xi had been disciplined for fighting more than anyone else in his peer group in primary school. It was irrational to worry about it, so Xi had told himself he couldn’t, and told himself that Jiong was really truly busy rather than ghosting him, but even so…
“This jiongjiong fuck,” Xi muttered, one eye on the camera’s still sound-dampened status, one eye on that taunting private offering message. “It’s like he wants to be fucking caught.”
“Ehh? Did he not do it as, um—”
“Obviously not!” Xi was flushing horribly, and even though he knew it wouldn’t show on his dark skin, he knew Janey could tell. The way she was eyeing him right now, there was no way he was not going to be teased to death after the stream was over. “Moron probably didn’t even read through the rules, only the first fucking message is guaranteed private, once the raffle actually starts, his stupid name will be on everything. And that’s not counting the fact that he opted for allowing buy-ins, everyone’ll hate that.”
Indeed, after the initial burst of approval, some of the chat had begun to discover the fly in this graciously provided ointment.
> newXi: this… isn’t this raffle kind of pitted?
> newXi: no ticket refunds if you buy extra but don’t win
> Fan Aiya: brother newXi, that’s the standard ah
> dayleets: can the mods maybe turn off buying in, so it’s a bit more fair?
> Fan C: ah, not this kind
> Xmyrestored: yeah, only the person that bought up the raffle can control that stuff
> fkofe: doesn’t this mean it’s just a whale battle??
> fkofe: QVQ this whale is small ah…
> GodGod_U_U: and no telling how many others have sneaked in, you guys know we’re front page, right?
> GodGod_U_U: all these evil people coveting our family’s shortbread (￣Д￣；) [worried.jpg] [anxious]
> hail-on-me: hehehe, if it’s just whaling, don’t you have a nice big backer to prop you up? hmmm? @MySweetGodGod
> MySweetGodGod: [bites handkerchief] haven’t you guys noticed yet??
> MySweetGodGod: that dirty mr fly is logged in ah…
> Xmyfrightened: fuck!!!!
> edee-dee: no!!! my chance at shortbread ah, flying away _Sad [https://www.royalroadcdn.com/public/smilies/sad.png]´ཀ`」∠):_
> sidestander: is mr fly really that big?
> mr fly: hehe, maybe
> [God Yuri is rejoicing!]
> God B is dying: but… what about my shortbread…
> [God B is dying is beseeching God-Emperor Xi to be merciful!]
> phiii: …
> phiii: you know how pathetic it is, asking the forest god to whale for you, right??
“I can’t let this go on,” Xi muttered, even as he scrolled through the options clustered around the forcefully proposed raffle. “Last thing I want to do is leave all the mess this’ll cause to urakilla once I sign off, it’s not even her usual day in rotation…”
“But you’re still going to send wangye some treats, right?” Janey said, nudging him with the side of her arm. “Right? Right? Right?”
> Fan C: all that aside, hasn’t it been too quiet all this time??
> hail-on-me: look, this shortbread is more important than a rap challenge, ok?
> hail-on-me: UU doesn’t mind postponing our challenge to another day, right?
> [GodGod_U_U lets out a noncommittal grunt.]
> MySweetGodGod: baby, don’t be mad T_T
> MySweetGodGod: unnie will get shortbread for you ok?
> Fan C: I didn’t mean you guys, I mean our Xi-er!!
> Fan C: just what are he and JEM discussing????
> newXi: ???
> newXi: Can’t see details, troubling C-noona to tell me??
> Xmyfrightened: they’re huddling! Smiling! Whispering with the camera sound off!!!
> Xmyfrightened: if this noona didn’t know better, noona would think, heheh [blush]
> fkofe: yeah, yeah, just what are you guys doing~
> MrJiong: Xi-er, Xi-er, you can’t cheat QAQ
> MrJiong: can be angry, can look down on my gifts, but absolutely can’t cheat QAQ
Xi, just about to launch into a calming explanation after turning the sound back on, couldn’t help but freeze. Did he just…
> Fan D: cheat?? cheat on who, you????
> Fan Aiya: jiong-hyung-nim, there’s no need to burst out like this just because Xi-er’s boyfriend turned out to be that high up
> Fan C: wait, wait, does that mean jiong-hyung bought the raffle?
Xi covered his face with both hands, not caring that he was in frame, and that everyone would see him doing it. This was… just what the fuck was tonight, huh? Curses coming hand in hand with blessings?
> Nameless God: huhuhu, bengong made the right decision to drop in tonight
> Nameless God: so much drama to watch [wicked grin]
> hail-on-me: drama? hmm? [excited]
> Fan Aiya: it’s more tragedy than drama ah
> newXi: yeah, jiong-hyung’s a weird whale lol
> newXi: stopped talking in chat when Xi got with @starmike
> hail-on-me: ohhhhh?
> Fan C: and I guess now he’s gotten a bit, uhh
> MrJiong: it’s not how it looks like…
> Nameless God: heheheheheheh
> God B is dying: …
[jjcool]: if I were you or him, I’d just rip mask right now
[jjcool]: surely someone will dig up the jiong/mike connection after tonight
[XiErXi]: is it weird that I don’t want to?
[XiErXi]: imagining the headlines about his crazy method of selling meng is killing me QAQ
[jjcool]: what’s he saying about it?
Well… There was a reason Xi hadn’t yet moved his hands away from his face. Jiong’s minimized window had been lighting up with notifications in the corner of his HUD every now and then, but he couldn’t yet bear to open it up. He wanted an apology, and he didn’t want one, and he wanted to hear Jiong’s low, apologetic tone just as much as he wanted to curse at Jiong out loud. He wanted playoffs over already, so that he could burrow back into the circle of Jiong’s strong arms and never come out.
This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
He was probably in love, and he did not want to be, because sex and friendship and casually liking each other was easier. He did not like the way his brain twisted and magnified everything when he was in love. He’d loved—he’d let himself wrap all the way around two people, and both of them tore him apart.
Wake up, Xi, he told himself, coldly. Ruining your night’s one thing; you can’t let him ruin your stream.
> Xi-full has cancelled the holy raffle.
> Xi-full: sorry guys, shortbread nepotism is a go [smile]
> Xi-full: Yuri and B and my aunts and uncles are getting it all, and that’s final
> Fan Aiya: ahhhhhhh [cry]
> Xi-full: come on, I told you I wasn’t baking it for you guys to begin with
> God B revived: Xi-er is best~ Xi-er is best~
> MrJiong: !!!!!
> MrJiong: copying this hyung-nim’s chatting style, B-hyung has no shame, huh???
> God B revived: shame? what’s that?
> God B revived: can it be eaten? [big eyes blinking.jpg]?
“Exactly, right?” Janey said, her voice muffled by the yam she’d stolen from Xi’s nearly empty plate. “My dad always said, y’know, good food and shame don’t mix.”
> God B revived: who asked you ah!!! shameless!!!
> MrJiong: …
> fkofe: lolol, this jiong hyung, you haven’t been following God Xi for long right?
> fkofe: follow a little longer and you’ll know the true nature of all these wicked gods, tsk tsk, every one of them is shameless
> MrJiong: *mumble* it’s not that jiongjiong doesn’t know
> MrJiong: it’s just… it’s Xi-er’s channel, his shamelessness is always good, but other people? hmph!!!
> Nameless God: [blink] hmmmm? Is it no good for jiejie to be shameless here too?
> Fan C: jiong-nim…… your brain hole1 is truly something ah…
> Fan Aiya: truly something +1
Xi could no longer put off looking at his private chat. He skimmed—kowtow emojis by the truckload decorated the last screen’s worth of messages, outnumbered only by Jiong’s favourite crying emoji. So far, there didn’t seem to be anything actually worth reading, any kind of explanation or apology for wantonly spilling the beans and also choosing to do that rather than just send a goddamn private message to say hi like a normal human being, so…
[XiErXi]: shut up!!!!!!!!
[MrJiong]: …
[MrJiong]: Xi-er will still talk to me? T_T
[MrJiong is rejoicing at their good fortune!]
“Yeah, I think I’ll sign off right now,” Xi said, annoyed that he didn’t have to struggle to put up a convincing smile. “It’s not been quite a half hour, but, like I said earlier, I’m tired, so I’m turning in.”
> sidestander: !!!!
> Fan D: this… jiong-hyung, you!!! Couldn’t you just keep quiet??
> [Fan Aiya is shaking their head over the situation.]
> newXi: driving the god off like this, can you just stop bothering him?
“Guys, you’re really overthinking it,” Xi hastened to say. After all, if the press still somehow managed to fail to stumble on the link between MrJiong and Mike, he didn’t want Jiong to have to weather the other fans’ mockery and isolation unfairly. “If he was a problem, I’d ban him, alright? You know I’m not the type to tolerate that shit.”
“Of course, when it’s coming from one very singular man,” Janey said, leaning in next to him dramatically, “it’s, well, it’s a different story, isn’t it?”
“Say bye to J.E.M., everyone,” Xi said, without looking at her. “Seeing as it’s definitely the last time she’ll appear on here.”
Janey, in response, turned her big brown eyes on him, and said, in a tremulous tone: “Star wangfei has gotten so ruthless, ah. Bengong can’t help but admire it.” But the wronged expression on her face gave the lie to her supposed compliment, turning it into a complaint. “Will you really drive bengong away?”
“Yep,” Xi said, as brightly as he could. “To the kitchen with you, you’re going to help me do the dishes. Ta everyone, good night!”
That determined final greeting begat a chorus of goodbyes in chat, mixed in with more useless marvelling about Janey’s acting ability, as well as protests seeking for the stream to go on a little longer, for the raffle to be reinstated, or even for Hailey and Ursula to quickly do their challenge. After a moment or two of waving and smiling from both him and Janey, the camera’s working light went off, and it swam over to settle in its usual spot atop the console underneath the living room screen.
“You okay?” Janey said, her formerly bright smile already gone. “You’ve been a bit…”
“I’m in love,” Xi said, jerkily, already on his feet. “I’m fucked.”
Janey said nothing, but she followed him into the kitchen, dragging him into a quick, hard sideways hug as she passed him with her now-empty plate. “What can I help with?”
“Leave the pot with the oil to me, but everything else can go in the dishwasher.” But even as he started to move towards said pot, a link voice chat request had pushed his chat with Jiong to the top of the list, and Xi couldn’t help but freeze. “Um, I—just a sec, he’s calling.”
Janey, wide-eyed, waved at him to take it. He didn’t want to, not in front of her, but he also couldn’t bring himself to run off right away because that would only give her something to tease him to death with. Then: “Oh, clear out, will you? Go whisper all your sweet sweet nothings.”
Now, if he stayed here, she’d definitely listen in and definitely go out of her way to tease him. Scowling, Xi retreated from the kitchen, his nerves going into overdrive as he walked. Pulling a face at Janey before the kitchen door whispered shut didn’t help his nerves. Pacing back into the living room, and then all the way into the bedroom, because the door was decently soundproof, also didn’t help his nerves. Accepting the link request didn’t help.
“Xi-er, I’m so sorry.”
“Not if you’re calling me that, you’re not,” Xi murmured, his eyes half-closed, the frightful tension that had taken him over towards the end of the stream suddenly somewhere else. Fucking love-induced endorphins, conspiring with that fucking voice. “What were you thinking?”
“I thought I’d have the time to chat with you a bit, tonight, and I did, but only just.” Even now, Xi could hear the tapping and clicking of a keyboard and mouse, a faint, almost soothing counterpoint to Jiong’s low voice. Somehow, it seemed perfectly natural that he’d be the type to use old-school peripherals while gaming. “You know I don’t like to bother you while you stream.”
“Liar.”
“Well really, it’s more that I’m, I’m trapped in the team room, there’s no way I can wank along with you, so…”
Ordinarily, Xi would have rolled his eyes and said something sarcastic, or perhaps even given in to a helpless laugh. Just now, though, the only words that came to him were all plaintive, stupidly accusing. Is that all you want from me? “Right.” Am I just a fucking phone sex line to you?
“Xi?”
“Can you just fucking call me, next time?” His voice was a little shaky, but hopefully not so much that it was obvious he was really upset. “Just hearing you is enough.”
“Really?”
“Yes! I literally just said it was!”
“Yeah,” Jiong said, and it was, it should have been enraging how shy he made that one word sound. “Okay, that’s noted.”
Xi shook himself, thinking, normal, normal, back to normal. “Your first playoff match is tomorrow, right?”
“Unfortunately, yeah.”
“Well, do your best, yeah? I’ll be watching.”
“Really?”
“Alright, that’s it, I’m hanging up.”
“No, no, wait, I didn’t mean—” Cutting off Jiong’s slightly breathy, definitely laughing voice right then sent a surge of satisfaction through Xi. It wasn’t like he didn’t deserve it, replying so teasingly when it had already been thoroughly established that Xi had been religiously following Dom-V’s games, or at least keeping pace with their match scores, pretty much since their first in-person encounter at the cafe.
Xi didn’t talk about that sort of thing with anyone but Jiong, and even then, he did so in a fleeting, casual manner. He didn’t care what the standings were, except where it would affect Jiong’s mood, much like Jiong rarely mentioned Xi’s stream rankings except to tease Xi for placing unusually high, or to complain that so-and-so had most definitely cheated to come in higher than Xi’s Sweet, Spicy Home this time.
“Well?” Janey’s voice came in over the seldom-used in-home messaging system. “Was wangye very jealous?”
“What wangye,” Xi muttered, as he walked out of the bedroom. His private chat with Jiong was already filling up with more of those worthless kowtow emojis. “What fucking jealous, he didn’t even mention you.” Which was probably a good sign, considering how very suspicious that bastard Cameron had always been of how close Xi was with Janey. There was no reason at all to feel even a little bit miffed that the topic hadn’t come up. “Anything broken yet?”
“Don’t be insulting,” Janey said, her voice echoing strangely now that he could hear her in the kitchen as well as through the in-home system. “I was the dish bitch, growing up. The day I break anything of yours—”
“Yeah, yeah, the world ends, got it.”
“Did he say anything about the jiong thing?”
Xi, just about to start decanting the used oil from the pot into the usual container for it, had to struggle not to spill a swathe of it across the counter. “Fuck!”
“You all right?”
“Yeah, I’m just—fuck, fuck, fuck, I fucking forgot to ask.” He tipped the pot a little more, feeling stupid, feeling horribly on the spot. Any moment now, Janey would clue in and ask him, in that irritating, syrupy-sweet voice of hers, just what exactly he had had to say to ‘wangye’ apart from the quite serious PR question on having MrJiong and starmike linked, and no matter what Xi said, she would know. She would know Xi had got sappy and clingy and stupid, and fuck, fuck, fuck, she was looking at him. “What?”
“You do know you can, um, you can just ring him back up, to ask?” A look in Janey’s direction showed a genuinely perplexed expression on her face, which was so not what Xi had been expecting that he looked away from her immediately. “Xi, seriously, you’re kind of—”
“I’m all right.” He knew he didn’t sound all right, so he set the empty, oily pot back down on the counter as gently as possible, and he took a deep breath, and another before saying: “If I call him back, he’ll win.”
Janey turned to him, her mouth half open, her expression something between astonished and thrilled. “Win?”
“He’s terrible,” Xi said, closing the used oil container with a little more force than necessary. “He laughs at me, and he is exactly that embarrassing, offline. I swear to god, if you ever bring up all that ‘wangye’ bullshit to him—”
“Too late not to,” Janey said, grinning as she bent to give the plates and bowls and things in the dishwasher one last inspection. “Pretty sure I said it on stream, and he was watching, wasn’t he?”
“Argh.”
“You know, you can let him have it just this once,” Janey said, as she shut the door of the dishwasher. “Seeing as he had to watch the two of us eating all that scrumptious yam.”
“But I can’t just keep letting him, I mean, he has to know that there’s a line,” Xi muttered. “I’d never get any peace, otherwise.” But he had already reopened his private chat with Jiong, debating inwardly over just how important it was that he stay abreast of the PR situation. It surely couldn’t be that much of a draw, finding out that the smooth, handsome, playboy-turned-serious image of Michael Star could be directly linked to an ID that was, haha, not like that at all… “Fuck it, fuck asking, fuck him.”
“If that’s what you want,” Janey murmured, patting the now rumbling dishwasher. “Ice cream?”
“Mm, yeah, why not.”
----------------------------------------
In the end, Janey didn’t stay the night. Seeing her off at the camera-encrusted back door was a familiar experience, him waving her off from the darkened hallway as she sauntered off, Maxwell to her left, Yang in front, and Lara bringing up the rear. She went away with a hefty, divided tin of still-warm shortbread and the last of Aunt Abena’s custard creams because Xi was a weakling at heart, and he knew her bodyguards would appreciate it.
Only a handful of the cameras bothered to linger behind to catch a glimpse of him, and they were none of them so dedicated as to try and brave the small but potent electronics dead zone between his building’s back door and the gate that led out onto the street. So Xi waved one last time (Janey’s personal cam usually caught it) and retreated back into the dim, silent hallway, feeling an odd mixture of relief and regret.
An hour ago, Jiong had finally stopped spamming him, and had signed off with a mix of his usual fake tears and a hurried reassurance that his team’s PR was well aware that he’d outed his other identity tonight.
[MrJiong]: so Xi-er, Xi-er, sleep well and don’t worry~~
[MrJiong]: with you cheering tomorrow, jiongjiong will definitely win~
“Huh,” Xi said, on reading those last two lines for the fourth, or perhaps fifth time. “Disgusting.” He hardly knew whether he was referring to Jiong’s usual sentiment, or his own terrifying partiality for such displays.
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1. brain hole: colloquial Chinese expression used to describe someone’s delusions↩