A month and a half passed, mostly calmly. Swearmouse refused to return to the Xi’s sweet spicy home stream for only about a week; LiangHeart-whatever never showed again, and though Mayumi fretted and groaned and seethed in private about the whole matter to Xi whenever possible, nothing seemed to come of it in real life.
Well, nothing out of the ordinary; the one time Claire deigned to discuss it with Xi, the only thing she’d say was that it’d take more than a brief bit of online hazing to keep her down. Or, in swearmouse’s words:
[swair]: that f*** thinks he’s so f**ing funny, we’ll see how the f*** he laughs when I’m main ADC…
Mayumi’s never-ending 2- and 5-minute bans had had a profound effect on Claire’s typical speech; she swore purely in asterisks now, to the extent that Xi had long since tired of poking fun at her for it. So Xi’s only reply to that declaration was:
[XiErXi]: let me know whenever you find his side accounts
[XiErXi]: he’s banned from leftovers [wink]
[swair]: haha serves him f***ing right
[swair]: buns soon ;____;? Pls??
[XiErXi]: in a bit, work kicking shit out of me rn
It was the bitter end of company tax season, and work was indeed kicking poor Xi-er’s arse up and down the street. Used as he was to having deadlines slip around this time of year, he coped by doing marathons at the start of the month and popping in for short hour-long streams on the weekends in order to meet quota for his subscribers, and he never tried to strain himself by making anything too complicated.
Mostly, he sang on stream, cooked a little, and dipped a toe into whatever new karaoke sensations caught his eye. YuriGod, GodGod and Fan B, as both his long-time friends and former k-group stalwarts, were all eager instigators and helpers whenever this kind of mood was on him; they pushed and shoved and fought each other to suggest new songs, trash or praise new groups, and wax philosophical about the changes in the industry that had grown up around karaoke hobbyists.
[yuririn]: seriously, seriously, why not ditch the bake-off this time?
[yuririn]: how long has it been since we did a group live??
[B-tha-D]: we did at christmas?
[yuririn]: SIX MONTHS AGO. [COME ON.jpg] [dances]
[XiErXi]: we don’t all have endless free time [cry-laugh]
[B-tha-D]: aren’t you just making a big thing about it like usual? We could be casual
[g.o.d.]: omg NO! Not the C word!!!
[XiErXi]: …fuck you
[yuririn]: lol can you actually be casual, xixi
[g.o.d.]: search ur heart. u know the answer
[XiErXi]: fuck you, I can be casual. I totally will
----------------------------------------
Five minutes before the four of them were scheduled to go live, Xi was already regretting his promise to be casual. He’d ended up baking anyway, since work had let him cash in his usual one-week de-stressing vacation a couple days early; he’d reasoned that, since the big baking event had been converted into a big, strictly casual singing event, he really should make up for the lack of freshly baked prizes with some pre-made goods.
Somehow, that had turned into him blitzing through a veritable cartload of three sorts of buns: sticky cinnamon rolls, HK style pineapple buns and (for local subscribers only) char siu bao1. Sneaky as he’d tried to be about the process, all of his friends and family had caught wind of it and started putting in orders, begging for shares, or just brazenly showing up out of the blue to cadge a bit of this and that. Which meant his having to, or rather, choosing to go back into the trenches again, just to make sure his subscribers would have at least half a chance of grabbing a pineapple bun before his stupid family stole them all.
Having rushed through streaming and baking and packaging and labelling shit for three or four days straight, Xi was exhausted, fed up and a constant mixture of anxious and cranky. He was in the worst mood for precisely this occasion, i.e. one where he had to sing in public, and do well but not too well. Too well inevitably meant way too much attention, and sometimes a new and terrifying subset of fan that threw tantrums in chat when he didn’t sing every minute of a regular stream, or didn’t promise to do so. Not singing well enough meant snide comments from his haters, and a few wide-eyed expressions of hypocritical concern from the singing streamers that disliked him.
“Rest ah, rest ah,” Yuri scolded him, when he kept fidgeting on the couch. “We can’t have Good God Xi collapsing on stream, ah!”
“Fucking stop with the accent,” Bertram said, rolling his eyes. “Just how the fuck have you ever been any kind of Chinese ah?”
“What, what, it’s only you guys that use it, lah?” Yuri sneered, adjusting her digital mask for what had to be the fourteenth time. “Fuck off, man, I’ll speak how the fuck I want!”
“Guys, this is supposed to be relaxing, remember?” That was Ursula, a.k.a. g.o.d., a.k.a. GodGod, and therefore the one amongst them with the largest gap between her online persona and her petite, soft-voiced reality. She also handled the majority of the rap lyrics whenever those came up; tired as Xi felt, he couldn’t help but smile a little at the thought of the reaction she often got from passersby whenever they went live. “Can we all just take a breath?”
“I could watch you take a breath all week,” Bertram said, shamelessly, his exaggerated frown at Yuri turning into a warm, smiling look as soon as he turned toward Ursula. “How about—”
“Fuck off!” Even those words failed to sting when Ursula said them. “Fucking relax!”
“Stream up in countdown from ten,” Mayumi squeaked, from her perch on one of the chairs offstage. “Ten—”
“Bertram, if you don’t sit down, I swear I’ll—”
“Sitting! Sitting!”
“—eight!”
“Pose?” Yuri flopped onto the couch between Xi and Bertram, tossing her head and crossing her legs with seductive flair. “All gods on me?”
“Five…”
“Who the fuck is on you, ah?” But Bertram formed up on her anyway, right as Ursula scurried to get into position behind him. “Timing, timing…”
“One!” Mayumi mouthed, looking too excited for words. “Nailed it!”
Music blared, filling the room with a low, lush tune. “This is Xi’s sweet, sweet home,” four well-trained voices said, in perfect unison. “Are you ready?”
> Fan C: Ah! Ah! Ah!
> Fan B Fan: HEYOOOOOOOOOOOO
> MyGodItsGodGod: I SEE U GIRL! I SEE U lol
> Fan A is dying: [heart]
> Fan A is dying: [heart]
> Fan A is dying: [heart]
> MrJiong: ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?
> MrJiong: it’s just gonna be sweet…?
> Fan C: moron, the spice is onscreen!! What do youngsters learn these days ah!!!
Because the unanimous desire was for a strictly casual event, there wasn’t much in the way of dancing. Still, singing in unison, moving together, forming a look and sound to captivate the eye, this sort of thing was old hat to Xi and his fellow former karaoke fanatics. Even in today’s world of career-class audio and super-serious former company trainees, it was possible to make a good impression when you knew your limits and ruthlessly played up your good points, and they all did.
Bertram pulled out his candy-smooth voice; Ursula rapped like a demon possessed. Yuri led them all to the beat, harmonizing effortlessly with Xi on the high notes. Xi’s voice was starting to be just a little hoarse by the third song, but somehow his exhaustion had faded; he smiled at everyone, saving his most wicked expressions for the cameras.
In the back of his mind, he couldn’t help but mock himself. Aren’t you being a little too careful, Good God? You’re not even half a star anymore; it won’t matter if people cook up a scandal by pairing you up. But it was nearly habit by now, especially while singing on stream, singing the way that had been his first real taste of the overwhelming press of public attention.
He’d never thought he’d make it big; there hadn’t been a hope of his moms celebrating it if he took a step further into what they called the toxic circus. At the time, he’d wavered between sulking and rebelling in the little, mostly nondestructive ways available to him, and feeling a strange, sick sense of relief. He didn’t know what he would have done, or how much more pressure he’d have felt to, to compete, to rank up, to get noticed, if he hadn’t been so clear on the fact that his mothers were worried for him, but accepting.
If he’d made it…
But he hadn’t. And because he hadn’t, he could sing like this, on a whim. He could sing himself hoarse and not give a shit; he could dance without a care in the world for whether it looked strictly sexy or not. His size was just his size, not some extra roadblock to surpass or overcome.
“Bun break!!” That was Mayumi again, and Xi couldn’t help but frown for a second, looking at her and her suddenly quite large-looking knot of uni friends. “They’re all super safe, Xi, no one’s touched them, I promise!”
The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
“I spent four fucking days on that shit,” Xi said, striding down off the stage. “Anyone who touches one out of order is 100% fucking dead.”
> Fan C: Aiya, the killer’s back…
> MrJiong: [drools]
> MrJiong: kill me any day for a bite of that…
“Event rules, Ah-Jiong-nim,” Xi said, his tone merry as he bent down to open up the first covered tray, his eyes cold. “You can’t hunger like that without being very, very specific. Mayu, give him one strike; he should know damn well what kind of appreciation is allowed in here by now.”
> mod_mayuuu has struck down MrJiong with fire! One mark of fire is disfiguring MrJiong’s heart tree!
> MrJiong: 囧 囧 囧 囧
> MrJiong: *zips mouth*
> GodGod: sorry, sorry, we were too excited and forgot to remind earlier on…
> dayleets: i-is this the GodGod I know? *sweats*
> Fan A, died: the real face of our GodGod is always benevolent. Evil GodGod only exists when the face cannot be seen.
> MrJiong: Ah, ah, I’ve learnt new things again ah
“Raffle time!!” Mayumi was always the most excited about this part, even though as a mod, she was completely excluded from winning. “First to go out, as always! The cinnamon bun two-pack, five up, five up…”
A flood of frantic ‘/rolls’ filled the chat. Curses followed the jubilation of the winners; the two other mods, mod_z and mod_urakilla, were soon very busy fielding complaints and getting down the details of the winners. Xi smiled gratefully at mod_z—a surly, grumpy guy that could be counted on to spring into action at in-person events—and couldn’t help but be extremely glad that he was a big enough streamer that some of these little troubling details could be handled by other people.
“…for buy-in set two,” Mayumi said, displaying the six-pack combo package with the flair and energy similar to someone talking up their firstborn child, “strictly for locals only, local meaning within reefer delivery areas 14 and 15. Bidding starts at…”
> Fan A, dying again: WTAF2!! Jiong-hyung-nim! Can you not!! Buy! Everything!!!
> MrJiong: haha
> [Fan C is narrowing their eyes at MrJiong]
> [dayleets is narrowing their eyes at MrJiong]
> [Fan B Fan is narrowing their eyes at MrJiong]
> MrJiong: *sweats*
> MrJiong: would it help if I said I’m not just buying for myself?
> The-Real-Fan-B: unforgivable!!!
“…ah, haha, it seems,” and Mayumi’s cheer was becoming somewhat strained, “the third buy-in set has also gone to Jiong-hyung…”
“Wow,” Xi said, “that’s just incredible!”
[swair]: this TRASH FXXING F*%K!
[swair]: my… my buns!!!!
[XiErXi]: chill, swearie, I set yours aside a while ago
[swair]: but cr$p-jiong’s f*ckin monopolizing the extras! QAQ
And indeed he was. He abstained from bidding for combo sets four through six, then smoothly—the chat would say cruelly—snatched up sets seven and eight, and bid set nine sky high.
> rage-of-bun-angels: how many motherfucking buns will you and your fucking group eat???
> rage-of-bun-angels: are you even local, huh? You fuckin trash bun sniper
> Xi-er-is-good: now now, rage-chan, let’s not be too hasty. He’s been verified as local, the mods have checked it all out [smile]
> rage-of-bun-angels: who the fuck spends 3k crystal just like that huh?? why bid it up that high???
> MrJiong’s-buns: wanna sell me set 9, rage-nim?
> rage-of-bun-angels: go die!!!
Mayumi, her semi-professional smile having long since gone stiff, allowed Ursula to coax her into giving over the main mike for now. As soon as the exchange happened, Mayumi was by Xi’s side in a flash, all but vibrating with the need to speak.
[swair]: 3!! MFING!! K!!! QAQ
[XiErXi]: sshh, calm down, I’ll float you some of it ok?
[swair]: he’s only doing this f*xing bulls%$t cos I said you were my cousin!!
[swair]: he’s bein all, ‘gotta support family’ but it’s SOOOOO obvious he’s just
[swair]: buying it so he can f%#kin eat in front of me
Meanwhile, in a separate, private chat:
[mayuuu]: can’t we just ban him?????
[mayuuu]: i mean it’s just claire blowing up this time, but if that was a real sub?
[mayuuu]: how would they feel?
[XiErXi]: okay, I got you, I’ll handle it
Xi did not handle it by delivering a ban, something Mayumi likely wouldn’t have pushed for if the wronged party had not been Claire. He didn’t even try to handle it by soothing people in chat, since Ursula’s soft-voiced jokes, general sunniness and smooth switch back to solely raffles were calming things down quite nicely already.
No, what this required was the direct approach. Xi retreated another step from Ursula and the buns, then turned so that his expression would be out of view of the main camera. Only then did he send MrJiong a private chat request.
[MrJiong]: !!
[MrJiong]: God Xi? For real??!
[XiErXi]: haha, no need to stand on ceremony
[XiErXi]: besides, if it’s talking about gods, you’re more of one than me, right? Dom-V-nim?
[MrJiong]: [blushes] ah… that…
What ‘ah’? What ‘that’? Xi thought, his smile gaining a cold edge. That I’m gonna have to send a single thing to this fucking guy…
[MrJiong]: you guessed well, God Xi. Sorry if the buying was a bit excessive [blushes]
[MrJiong]: it’s just… um, swearmouse gets a lot from you?? And everyone’s always jealous?
[MrJiong]: you could say it’s like, for team unity?? I’m the captain this year, and I’m new, so I worry a lot…
[XiErXi]: oh, the captain?
Xi, still smiling, forcibly connected two certain private chatrooms together.
[XiErXi]: you couldn’t ONCE mention he’s your fucking captain??? @swair @mayuuu
[mayuuu]: ???
[mayuuu]: WHAT?
[swair]: …QAQ
[swair]: he is, but… since he’s new…
[XiErXi]: just what have you been doing?? this isn’t something you should be crying about!
[XiErXi]: captains have fucking team structure powers in FOV right?? you should be documenting!
[XiErXi]: building up your fcking stats + appearances!! How long will you endure before this fucking trash kicks you out cos you wont fuck him
[XiErXi]: gonna ban
[swair]: noo!! no dont!
[mayuuu]: WHY THE F NOT
[mayuuu]: why didn’t you tell me??? this trash is
[swair]: he’s not horny for ME ok!! he’s horny for YOU!!!!!
[mayuuu]: ehh? me?? but he’s never even seen me??
[swair]: i don’t meen you, mayu!!!!!!!!!
[swair]: what f*cking way would i endure his likeing u!!
[mayuuu]: ……
[mayuuu]: so… does that mean it’s Xi…????
Xi felt a headache coming on.
[MrJiong]: um…
[MrJiong]: God Xi?
[MrJiong]: you’re just standing there on stream, so…
[MrJiong]: are you ok?
[XiErXi]: ah, sorry, sorry
[XiErXi]: for the time being, can you pull back a bit?
[XiErXi]: not that I don’t appreciate the support, haha
[XiErXi]: but I’ve got some longtime locals who might put a hit out if they can’t grab some bao like usual [sweats]
Casual, casual, Xi told himself, bitterly. Gotta be fucking casual today, right?
[MrJiong]: God’s word is my command!!! [bows]
[XiErXi]: hahahaha ok
With his face still out of view of the main camera, Xi took a moment to close his eyes and praise the heavens that the supposedly enamoured Jiong-hyung wasn’t (yet) in the mood to be demanding. Moving briskly, he walked back onto the stage with a swagger, sending his private chat with Claire and Mayu a quick [solved] emoticon.
> Fan A is alive!: omg!!!
> Fan A is alive!: song choice song choice song choice???
> MrJiong: *melts into anticipatory puddle, for music only. pure sweet music*
> B-is-B: that’s right mah lovelies! Muah muah muah, bun break done~
And for a short, sweet time, everything, all of Xi’s worries were lost to the music. This time, without ever quite planning to, they slowly spread out to occupy the front half of the karaoke stage, shunning the couch, shunning all but song and movement.
> Xmyheart: aiyaaaaa this takes me back
> Xmyheart: omg XiGod still so jjang3, YuriGod jjang !
> MrJiong: all jjang~ all jjang~
> MyGodGodisGod: XBYU FOREVER [heart] [heart] [heart]
> mod_mayuuu: *sobs* the glory, in flesh, it’s hard to take
> Fan A: guys!!! request??
> Fan C: request +1
> MrJiong: request +2!!
> dayleets: request +100!!
> Xmyheart: request +900000
> mod_z: pay for it. [extends hand]
> mod_urakilla has activated a Sacred Pool! Fill the pool to make a request of the Forest God!!
Xi saw the notifications flash by as he twisted and wound and blended behind the backs of his friends. As the pool filled in what felt like record time—but was probably slow for a real k-streamer—they couldn’t help but exchange conspiratory glances.
> The Sacred Pool has been filled! Petitioner MrJiong poured their heart and soul into the pool to make this request: vote up a song you guys~
Xi could nearly not keep from rolling his eyes. The chat went wild, and the song Xi and the others had all been half expecting to be forced to sing rocketed to the top of the list.
“I’m worried, ah,” Xi said, smirking at the camera. “This kind of song… is it okay for an all-ages stream?”
> [Fan B Fan demands that you obey the sacred request!]
> [mod_z demands that you obey the sacred request!]
> [mod_mayuuu demands that you obey the sacred request!]
> [Fan C demands that you obey the sacred request!]
> [MyGodGodisGod demands that you obey the sacred request!]
> …
On and on and on, the emotes filled the chat.
> …
> [MrJiong demands that you obey the sacred request!]
Probably, such a line was there too. Xi didn’t see one—there were just far too many emotes for that—but he couldn’t help but resent it a little, the fact that he had to obey anything Mr. I’m-a-new-captain-haha had ordered.
Consequently, when the song finally began, he was not in the mood to play nice.
[g.o.d.]: X TID!!!
[g.o.d.]: fuck!
‘TID’ being their code for ‘tone it down’, in a group where none of them had been used to doing anything but the precise opposite, Xi took a breath before the bridge and reeled it in. By then, though, the damage had been done, and Bertram was raring to go, and Yuri was following him, and even Ursula was putting way too much into this segment, so Xi couldn’t do anything but match their pace.
> MyGodGodStillGod: destruction…
> MyGodGodStillGod: the face of my god ah…
> MrJiong: s-should i be crying??
> [dayleets is crying ugly tears]
> [mod_urakilla is emotional]
> Xmyheart: [kowtows]
> Xmyheart: [kowtows]
> Fan B Fan: fuck, B, don’t strain your voice… ok, ok, just do what you like…
The song ended in silence, and then a sudden surge of screams. Mayumi’s friends had multiplied again; worse, the cursed karaoke joint had somehow plugged into the stream and mirrored it all over this floor. For a few, crazily familiar moments, Xi could barely hear himself or anyone else. All he could do was smile and eye his friends and coordinate the final bow.
> Xi-er-is-Good: that’s pretty much it for tonight, guys
> Xmyheart: ah, no, please~~~~
> Xmyheart is petitioning for a Sacred Pool to be activated!
> Xi-er-is-Good: sorry [smile]
> Xmyheart’s petition has been denied!
> Xi-er-is-Good: bun festival now, first come first served, sub priority obviously [waves]
The chat overflowed once more with rolls and curses and cries for the Forest’s favour. Luckily, the recent surge of viewers had not all had time to settle in and subscribe on a whim and thereby cause chaos and sow bitter envy in the hearts of his loyal fans; by the time the last pineapple bun two-pack was being auctioned off, the hungry new fans were only just figuring out that they could be won more easily with a sub.
> newXi: any more buns? Any more batches?
> MrJiong: look well, my child, this is the heartlessness of our Xi-er! No! There are no more batches left!!
> swearmouse: who the f is your Xi-er…
> Fan C still crying: hey now, Jiong-nim is a subscriber too
> A Fan A: *nods* he has received Xi-er’s teachings well! He has a claim on our Xi-er these days too!
> swearmouse: …
> swearmouse: just because he fxxing bought
> [swearmouse has shaken their sleeves and left the chat]
> MrJiong: 囧 囧
> A Fan A: don’t take it to heart ah, mouse easily gets jealous
> dayleets: yeah, buying’s no sin
> mod_z: +1, song pool fill was jjang
> mod_mayuuu: …and that’s almost a wrap, guys, say your final greetings!
Meanwhile, in that forcibly expanded private chatroom:
[swair]: i hate him QAQ
[swair]: typical rich f***
[XiErXi]: *pats*
[XiErXi]: you know you’re my favourite not-cousin right?
[mayuuu]: yeah, and look, you know how it is, everyone in the channel forgets this kind of shit all the time
[mayuuu]: In a week no one will even remember that jiong-sh$t existed ok?
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1. pineapple bun: bo loh bao (菠蘿包) are a kind of sweet bun with a crackly, crumbly, delicious topping, predominantly popular in Hong Kong. Despite the name, it does not traditionally contain pineapple; the name refers to the look of the characteristic topping, which looks like the texture of a pineapple. Pics can be found here if you want to torture yourself.
char siu bao (叉燒包): a Cantonese bun filled with saucy, tender barbecue pork. Can be steamed or, as they are in this chapter, baked.↩
2. WTAF: internet abbreviation of ‘what the actual fuck’, included because I want to be absolutely sure you understand how mad Fan A is.↩
3. jjang (짱): Korean slang, means amazing, awesome/excellent.↩