Ling Xi was, how do you put it, a little bit…
Okay, okay, a lot. Xi-er1, Xi-baby was and had always been a round, smooth, rubbable existence; when he was young, his mother would joke aloud about how she couldn’t believe something so soft and cute had come out of her stick-like figure.
Teased in primary school, teased in secondary school, teased, okay, hounded in university, this soft, fat little bun grew a hard skin to the point of mercilessness. Apart from the roundnesses that refused to leave no matter how desperately fit he was or how much he exercised, he had (luckily?) managed to inherit his younger mother’s stunning, flawless brown skin, and his older mother’s full, pouty lips and bewitching black eyes. Probably that was why he was teased so much; rounded or not, hefty or not, he had always had the kind of presence you would expect of a true-born protagonist.
Smiling, he was incandescent; laughing, he was blinding. Frowning, he made you want to frown with him; sad, he plunged you into the depths of despair. It was not at all surprising to those who knew him that he earned a significant amount by streaming his various activities to the adoring gaze of thousands of fans. He was simply the kind of person you naturally took notice of, and that had managed to carry over even in the beginning, when he was casually on camera because his friends at that time were doing it too.
It was surprising, however, in a way that became an everlasting meme to his fans, that he didn’t earn the majority of his living by showing his face here and there on and offline.
“Congrats to player LiangHeartJiong,” Xi said, unable to keep the left side of his mouth from curling up a bit, “you’re the… what’s the count again?”
> Fan A: 666th!!!2
> Fan B: Why are you young ones always so early ah3? It’s clearly the 650th
> LiangHeartJiong: …is it really that common a question 囧4
“Do you want me to be nice, or honest?”
> Fan C: Honesty is the best policy.
> Fan A: In Xi-er’s house we are all honest people.
> Fan D: Nice ah, honest ah, isn’t our Xi-er always nice when he’s honest hahaha
The formerly repressed smile of ‘our Xi-er’ gave way into a full, wicked grin, the kind of smile that could not be borne in person without the victim suffering from heart palpitations and confusion of the deepest kind. “I’ll be honest,” Xi said, keeping his eyes trained on the carrots he was slicing up, “it’s something I get asked nearly every stream, without fail.”
> LiangHeartJiong: …
> LiangHeartJiong: …Xi-er, forgiveness is good too [sweats]
“Do I look like the forgiving type?” Xi couldn’t help but ask. He made sure to look up at the camera he’d rigged to float in his kitchen just then, his grin now dimmed to a sweet smile, his eyes cold as he could make them. “Hmm?”
> Fan C: A killer!!
> Fan D: [faints]
> LiangHeartJiong: 囧囧囧
Xi couldn’t help but laugh. He didn’t often bother to be this intense on stream; pulling this kind of move too often robbed it of its power. “I’m joking, I’m joking, it’s alright. And yeah, I guess it is surprising that a guy like me could really be a nameless accountant on the side, but that’s just how it is, you know?”
Further discussion continued in the stream comments, even as he went on to slice up the twice-cooked pork he was planning to add to his indulgent stir-fry. “No, this is pretty much it,” he murmured, in response to an excited question about what else was left. “I’m hungry, I can’t be bothered to add more than this.”
> Fan C: Do you still still have those caramelized onions left over from last time?
“Yup, those are going in too.” Xi had to fight back a small smile; his older mother didn’t watch his stream much these days, but that kind of comment was exactly the sort of thing that rubbed her the wrong way. Doesn’t it freak you out that your fans know the state of your fridge better than I do? She’d asked that sort of question so many times that it was a joke between them now too, just as Xi’s response was also a joke: It’d be weirder if they didn’t know, considering how much they pay while they watch… “Fair warning to anyone new, if you don’t wanna be hungry, now’s the time to get off5.”
> Fan A: who the fuck would get off!! Isn’t this the highlight?!
> YuriGod: Only the disloyal would get off rn6 lel7
> LiangHeartJiong: Not leaving~ Not leaving~
> LiangHeartJiong: Food~ Food~
> Fan A: at least it looks like Jiong hyung8 is serious here, has the heart to be a real member of Xi-er’s army. Or is it noona9??
> LiangHeartJiong: Won’t tell~ Won’t tell~
> swearmouse: WTF do you only know how to double words you jiong f***
> mod_mayuuu: GDI you people, play nice with the noobs or else
> mod_mayuuu: that means YOU, swearmouse
> swearmouse: wtf you swore too!!! and I censored ok how is that not better!!!!!
Xi, having just glanced at the screen while watching the pan heat up with a bit of oil in it, could no longer hold back a smile. “Come on, Mayu, chill a bit. Swearie’s still under the limit.”
> Fan A: ahhhh, here it comes, the legendary nepotism
> LiangHeartJiong: ehh?? ehh??
> Fan B: Jiong-hyung ah, it’s best not to provoke that nasty mouse ah, the mouse is receiving high protection every day ah
> swearmouse: what f***ing nepotism ah! Your f*cking face B ah!!!
> mod_mayuuu has placed swearmouse in the corner: 2-minute chat ban enforced
> LiangHeartJiong: O_O!!
> Fan A: Didn’t i say it omg *pounds table*
> Fan A: [lol.jpg]
> mod_mayuuu: Anyone else want to join the mouse? [smile]
> Fan B: nasty mouse, no one would join
> Fan A: nasty~ mouse~
> Fan D: nasty mouse *shakes head*
> LiangHeartJiong: nasty mouse~ nasty mouse~
“Looks like our curious little jiong is blending in well,” Xi couldn’t help but say, even though he really should have been paying more attention to the carrots he was currently stirring and tossing. “Swearie, just be good, you know Mayu’s on a hair-trigger these days, right?”
> swearmouse has slunk forth out of the corner
> swearmouse: you always take her side!!! why not me!!!!
> YuriGod: change your name swearie, our Xi-er will comfort you for sure
> Fan A: What name change, can the heart change too? *spits*
> mod_mayuuu: I punished swearmouse already, lay off.
> [mod_mayuuu is looking sternly at Fan A]
> Fan B: *professional commentator voice* and here it is, here it is, [Nepotism Follow-up Strike]!! It’s brutal, it’s beautiful, it’s super-effective!!!
> LiangHeartJiong: are those hyungs really related to our Xi-er?
> swearmouse: who the ever-loving f*** is your hyung?! This mouse is a fierce f*ckin jiejie10 ok!
> [mayuuu’s opinion of LiangHeartJiong has taken an abrupt dive]
> LiangHeartJiong: [sweats]
> LiangHeartJiong: …forgiveness is still a way of life in this house, right?
> swearmouse: not doubling your bullsh** words again huh?? [cold laughter]
> swearmouse has issued a Challenge to LiangHeartJiong!
> swearmouse: what game do you like best, jiong-ah? I’ll ruin it for you.
> swearmouse has issued a Challenge to LiangHeartJiong!
> LiangHeartJiong: haha is this really necessary [sweats]
> swearmouse has issued a Challenge to LiangHeartJiong!
A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.
> swearmouse: f***ing 1v1 me!! you trash hyung!!!
> LiangHeartJiong: …then I won’t be polite.
> LiangHeartJiong has accepted swearmouse’s Challenge!
“Ah, ah, are you guys sure you wanna keep on with that right now?” The only thing left to deal with was the rice itself, and that was missing just a drizzle of soy sauce. But from the wave of ‘delicious’ emotes that filled the sidebar of his stream, it looked like swearmouse and Jiong had already become absorbed in litigating their petty feud elsewhere. Shrugging, Xi finished off the stir fry with quick, deft, decisive movements, stirring in the carrots, twice-cooked pork and fried eggs.
The onions had already been mixed in, so all he did was stir and cut up the eggs a bit more, and give the pan one more hearty shake before turning off the heat.
> Fan B is now a monitor licker: [drools]
> YuriGod: fuck life isn’t fair, i burn everything when i cook QAQ11
> mod_mayuuu: not everyone can cook like our Xi-er, it’s okay [pat] [pat]
> YuriGod: ……
> YuriGod: you weren’t supposed to fucking agree!
> mod_mayuuu: *whispering* I have seen our great Yuri God12 burn water.
> Fan A: [dying of laughter]
> [Fan C is feeling faintly superior to YuriGod]
> [Fan B is now a monitor licker is feeling faintly superior to YuriGod]
> [GodGod is feeling faintly superior to YuriGod]
> GodGod boldly sends forth a shower of sakura petals! Their message of beauty and hope to the channel is: frankly, as a pure God of Gods, i have always been superior to YuriGod
“Yuri, they’re just all provoking you,” Xi said, helplessly. Hungry as he was, dishing out a big bowl of rice for himself in a hurry without spilling any of it absorbed far too much attention; by the time he could afford to look at the comment sidebar again, YuriGod and GodGod were challenging each other and exchanging their usual fierce storm of insults.
> Fan B is now a monitor licker: @LiangHeartJiong if you’re able to see this, THIS is the real nepotism
> Fan D: the gods war, the mods do nothing *SMH* 13
> LiangHeartJiong: no time~ no time~
> LiangHeartJiong: playing games~ playing games~
> Fan A: ehhhhhh? the challenge is going on??
Xi, already packing his mouth full of hot, fragrant fried rice, could only scroll up to confirm that neither swearmouse nor LiangHeartJiong had appeared in the chat since swearmouse’s contemptuous challenge.
> LiangHeartJiong: challenges aside, how’s the taste, huh, Xi-er?
Xi coughed, swallowing hastily. “Is it over already?”
> LiangHeartJiong: mostly
> LiangHeartJiong: [smirk] [smirk]
> swearmouse: you f\%*
Xi narrowed his eyes, unable to help it. Swearmouse was usually fairly uniform in how she typed out her censored words; that she wasn’t doing that right now meant she was really angry.
> swearmouse: who are you, huh? What jiong? What f&*xxing trash
> LiangHeartJiong: now~ now~
> LiangHeartJiong: sportsmanship~ sportsmanship~
> swearmouse: clearly you’re some fu**ing pro!! Food abusing14 piece of trash
> Fan A: EEEHHHHH
> Fan B is a shocked monitor licker: my god!! Our swearmouse was abused???
“Ah?” Xi couldn’t help but switch to another, private window to try and see if he could get the full story from swearmouse, only to have his lightly teasing messages ignored. “Hey, hey, what just happened?”
> LiangHeartJiong: look, look, swearmouse played well. She just fell for one of my tricks, that’s all
> swearmouse: what fxxing trick!!!
> swearmouse: rematch in FOV15 if you f*ckin dare
> Xi-er-is-good: what game did you guys play before?
> YuriGod: don’t run kids!! Answer to god!
> [Fan A demands that the disobedient kids answer to good god Xi!]
> [GodGod demands that the disobedient kids answer to good god Xi!]
> [Fan B is Fan o_O demands that the disobedient kids answer to good god Xi!]
> [Fan C is rofl demands that the disobedient kids answer to good god Xi!]
> …
> …
> Xi-er-is-good: haha it looks like they already ran off
> [mod_mayuuu is furious at the disrespect!]
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Xi said, unable to hold back a smile. “We all know how Swearie is, she’ll be back eventually.” But, an hour later, with the first bowl of fried rice long gone and YuriGod and GodGod’s ultra-lame song lyric competition having lost its charm, the brash, colourful arrogance of swearmouse was nowhere to be seen.
Poking her repeatedly in private chat only resulted in her logging off. A tactful question to Mayumi only resulted in a typed *sigh*.
[XiErXi]: hey, I’m starting to worry
[XiErXi]: what the fuck happened??
[mayuuu]: …
[mayuuu]: it might be someone from her team…
[XiErXi]: …
[mayuuu]: …
[XiErXi]: fuck
Swearmouse, a.k.a. Claire Esposito, his best friend’s foul-mouthed, always smiling younger sister, had just been promoted to the main roster for Field of Violence in Dominance, a sprawling behemoth of an eSports organization that fielded teams in nearly every hot game of the moment. Dominance’s FOV team, colloquially known as ‘Dom-V’, was known to be particularly picky; Claire had put in hours upon hours of unrelenting practice and self-reflection and self-improvement just to get to the point of being invited to their training camp, and she’d only stepped up her efforts from there.
Mod_mayuuu, a.k.a. mayuuu a.k.a. Mayumi, was Xi’s cousin on his older mother’s side, and had been part training dummy and part cheerleader for Claire for years, worrying and grumbling and rhapsodising over her dogged ascent into the ranks of the FOV gods as if it were her own journey. She’d gotten increasingly strict about policing Claire’s freewheeling online behaviour this year, especially whenever she popped up in Xi’s stream, since his was the most visible stream on The Forest that swearmouse could be bothered to chat in.
[mayuuu]: she played Jiong-nim16 in Ace Space a couple times first
[mayuuu]: lost both times
[mayuuu]: hand speed17 no fucking joke, the guy was laughing at her in chat even as he won
[XiErXi]: wtf
[mayuuu]: I know, I know! That’s her speciality!!!
Xi couldn’t help but feel a little, okay more than a little bit pleased at Claire getting a taste of her own medicine. ‘Ace Space’ was one of those cute little games that hid a perplexing amount of depth; it revolved around fake tennis played by chibi characters, and though it wasn’t really fast-paced enough to reward high APM, you could bludgeon your way to victory by relying on quick reactions and good spatial awareness and hand-eye coordination.
Last spring, during Ace Space’s debut, Xi had gotten into streaming a game or three a day, simply because even a so-so player like him could manage to lose with style. As an all-ages game, Ace Space limited in-game chat to standard phrases, but of course there were ways to combine those phrases to poke fun at your opponent, and just spamming the messages could serve as a minor disruption of their focus.
Needless to say, swearmouse had thoroughly enjoyed herself during that era, challenging her fellow fans left, right, and centre, and always standing ready to carry a 3v3 or 5v5 or even temporarily taking over accounts to personally administer justice on behalf of her peers. Her current reputation as someone not to be trifled with had already been growing at that time, and her stylish kills and swear-filled jubilation had simply served to cement his fans’ view of her as one of their local gaming gods; being decisively beaten at Ace Space by some random must have infuriated her.
[XiErXi]: how many times did she lose in FOV?
[mayuuu]: … [sweatdrop]
[mayuuu]: four times in 35mins. [sweatdrop]
[XiErXi]: …omg
[mayuuu]: she let me look at the last loss
[mayuuu]: 100% a training match
“Fuck me,” Xi muttered. “That’s…” Mayumi, it had to be said, had become something of an FOV PVP expert from just the constant practising with Claire, even though she had no patience for team play and lacked the talent to improve past a certain level. If she agreed that the VOD she’d seen of Claire’s defeat by Jiong had looked like a training match, then that was most likely what it had been.
> Fan A, from the wilderness: eh?? ehhh??
> YuriGod, winner: everything ok?
“Just something unrelated,” Xi said, smiling a little. “And yeah, the alphabets are right, I’m probably gonna sign off soon.”
> Fancy Fan C: ah!! Nooo!
> GodGodSad: hey, hey, our Xi-er’s been streaming two hours already okay
> GodGodSad: Xi-er, sleep well! The rice looked super good!
> [LiangHeartJiong is salivating at the thought of leftovers]
> [LiangHeartJiong is wondering what will happen to the lonely leftover rice]
“Fridge today, my belly tomorrow,” Xi said, smiling heartlessly. “Isn’t it obvious?”
> Fancy Fan C: This!!! This is the gorgeous cruelty of our Xi-er!
> Fan A, returning from wilderness: *sigh* [heart]
> Fan B is Fan B: you, Jiong-hyung, learn well. Xi-er eats it all! Never are there exceptions!!
> LiangHeartJiong: 囧~ 囧~
> LiangHeartJiong: senior, I’ve learned 囧
> Xi-er-is-good: Actually, B’s exaggerating. I do bake-offs when I can, I send stuff out then
> LiangHeartJiong: !! OwO!
> Xi-er-is-good: Next one is in a month or so, it’s in the calendar [smile]
> LiangHeartXi: God Xi-er, this one will trouble you then [heart]~ [heart]~
> Xi-er-is-good: haha ok
Xi smiled warmly at the floating camera, waving goodbye even as he kicked off his stream shutdown script.
What ‘God Xi-er’, he thought. Sucking up after bullying poor Swearie, these Dom-V gods really do have some fucking guts… Pulling up LiangHeartJiong’s, no, that’s wrong, LiangHeartXi’s (ugh) Forest ID only took a moment; whoever was behind the ID was a typical lurker, with a handful of paltry gifts that mostly went to big entertainment-style streams. Probably, the bastard had a separate account for interaction with the more serious gaming streams; how in god’s name he’d ended up poking his head into Swearie’s long-time favourite stream was as yet a mystery, though not one that Xi couldn’t easily imagine having a disappointingly simple solution.
Swearie was still, what, was she sixteen now? Or seventeen? But she’d gone from an angry beanpole to an angry beanpole with dangerous curves over the last couple years, and her brazen attitude made her a target of the kind of lowlife shut-in that would look down his nose at ‘silly’ streams and ‘casual’ games and do anything to get one over a strong player like her.
What leftovers, Xi thought, adding a private note of ‘NO FOOD 4 U’ to LiangHeartXi’s ID. At most, I’ll send him anything that gets burnt, and that’s if he fucking pays…
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1. ‘-er’ suffix: Chinese, means ‘son/child’, is a suffix used for a young person.↩
2. the word for ‘6’ in Chinese sounds really similar to the word for ‘handsome/smooth’, and so spamming ‘6’ is the equivalent of praising someone/something in Chinese internet slang.↩
3. ah: Not even sure I should explain this, it’s a meaningless/emphatic interjection common in Chinese, but also common in many other languages (e.g. I would feel comfortable inserting it into my speech for emphasis, and I grew up in an English-speaking country with a bunch of native languages and speakers that would comfortably do the same). It’s used here in a way typical to Chinese webnovels.↩
4. 囧, i.e. jiong is a once obscure Chinese character meaning a “patterned window”. Since 2008, it has become an internet phenomenon and widely used to express embarrassment and gloom, because of the character’s resemblance to a sad facial expression.↩
5. get off: used in the sense of Chinese/Korean (?) internet slang that uses ‘getting off [the bus]’ to mean noping out of something, ceasing to read/follow/watch something.↩
6. rn: internet slang, abbreviation for ‘right now’↩
7. lel: internet slang, basically another form of ‘lol’, i.e. ‘laughing out loud’↩
8. hyung: Korean word for ‘older brother’, usually used by a male speaker.↩
9. noona: Korean word for ‘older sister’, usually used by a male speaker.↩
10. jie/jiejie: Chinese word for ‘older sister’.↩
11. QAQ: crying emoji in Chinese internet slang↩
12. X God, or God X: Chinese prefix or suffix, respectful, somewhat over-praising way of addressing or referring to someone widely known as a talented expert. Mostly used on the internet, specifically in gaming, as far as I know.↩
13. SMH: internet slang, abbreviation for ‘shake my head’↩
14. food abuse: Chinese internet gaming slang for highly skilled players stomping on (relatively) unskilled players↩
15. FOV: abbreviation for the imaginary game ‘Field of Violence’↩
16. ‘-nim’: Korean suffix that denotes respect↩
17. APM: abbreviation of ‘actions per minute’, a video game term for the total number of actions a player can perform in a minute. High APM is often associated with skill. Often colloquially referred to as ‘hand speed’.↩