> Nameless God: hmm? [eager eyes]

> Nameless God: not challenging, huh?

> [fkofe is pretending they saw nothing, heard nothing.]

> hail-on-me: kekeke still the same coward ah

> hail-on-me: I’ll dare, I’ll dare. I’ll challenge （≧▽≦）ゝ

> Nameless God: ah, hailey-chan wants to embarrass bengong [cry]

> Nameless God: bengong’s not so good with rapping ah [cry]

“You liar,” Xi couldn’t help but say, as he pulled out the bowl of salted, pre-chopped yam chunks in water from the fridge. “You weren’t a sub-rapper for your group for nothing, you know.”

> Nameless God: ah, but who’s even practised that stuff recently…

> hail-on-me: come on!!! face me like a woman ah!!1!!

> hail-on-me has issued a challenge to Nameless God!

> GodGod_U: well, if it’s gonna be like that [shifty eyes]

> GodGod_U has issued a challenge to Nameless God!

> dayleets: (╯≧▽≦）╯︵ ┻┻! Yes!!! OMGGG!!!!

> dayleets: the showdown of all my gods ah…….!!!!!!

“What showdown,” Xi said, one eye on the deep frying gear he was setting up, and one eye on Janey’s excited expression as she darted around his tiny living room, picking and choosing needless props for her impromptu performance. “Isn’t this just all three of them wanting to show off?”

> [Fan A is strongly expressing that showing off is good!]

> [dayleets is strongly expressing that showing off is natural!]

> [fkofe is excited to see who will embarrass themselves!]

> hail-on-me: hehe, JEM unnie can just put down all that stuff ah

> hail-on-me: I’m in the studio at Toya’s rn, not sure if unnie really wants to let me pick up some stuff to help me too?

> Nameless God: this shameless girl!!!

> Nameless God: truly bullying people ah [cry] [cry] [cry]

> GodGod_U: ok, ok, one prop for each person? Just one? Plus no lighting or effects?

> Nameless God: ah ah truly wanting bengong’s death ah

> hail-on-me: grow up! Aren’t you the one appearing with that empire-destroying face??

> Nameless God: hah?? if it’s my face that’s empire destroying, then what’s yours, huh???

> GodGod_U: …

> GodGod_U: GodGod requesting her dongsaengs1 to stop being so fucking modest [forehead vein pop]

> Xi-hungry: would you guys mind waiting till after I’ve got all the yam done?

> Xi-hungry: I don’t want to miss a second of this lol

> hail-on-me: accepted!

> [GodGod_U is staring at the deep fryer.]

> [Nameless God is rejoicing that they are right next to the deep fryer!]

> GodGod_U: you… [bites handkerchief]

> Nameless God: don’t you still live nearby? Why not walk down with some side dishes and help us eat [smile]?

> GodGod_U: lol, and be rumoured to be in a threesome with the two of you tomorrow?

> MySweetGodGod: hm, but, what if it was both of us? Wouldn’t it just be like couples visiting each other then?

> GodGod_U: Devi, think about what you’re saying

> GodGod_U: if we’re the couple, then who are Xi and Janey ah??

> GodGod_U: do you want that Star guy to die of anger?

> Nameless God: ah but, bengong doesn’t think Star wangye is the type to get angry over such a small thing

> Nameless God: speaking of who’s nearby, where the heck is Yuri?

> GodGod_U: she’s still at that conference, right? With B and the rest of their office?

> Nameless God: ohhhh, right, right

“Alright, you guys can amuse yourselves for a bit,” Xi murmured, now double-checking everything he needed for the big fry-up. Dutch oven and its lid, check. Frying tongs, check. Slotted spoon, check. Oil, check. Tray for the done bits, check. Drained yam pieces, check. “Ursula, are you and Devi really coming over?”

> MySweetGodGod: nah, turns out we have a bunch of pasta from last night still T_T

“Well, that’s good,” Xi muttered. “Barely have enough here for Janey and me as it is.”

> Fan Aiya: this…

> Fan Aiya: God Xi, this lowly fan was wrong. It’s still our Xi-er’s cruelty that’s the best [blush] [blush]

> Nameless God: hehe, isn’t it just?

> [GodGod_U is threatening to wash this channel in blood!!]

“Oh, pipe down,” Xi said, fighting not to smile. “You were always going to be crying over being left out tonight anyways; Janey being here makes no difference.” Ursula had always been a vehement lover of all things fried, and inviting her over tonight would just have been Xi dooming himself to fight over every last piece of yam with her and the bottomless pit that was Devi. “Alright, choose your songs or whatever, I’m starting.”

For the next little while, Xi paid only the slightest amount of attention to the stream chat; his primary focus was on getting the first batch of yam fried just right. Truthfully, the amount he was making tonight could probably have been stretched to three or four people if he’d roped in a few sides, but then that would mean no yam and egg breakfast tomorrow, and he’d been counting on that since he’d thought of frying anything.

Tonight’s meal was purely about comfort, something warm and crispy and salty to stuff down his gullet while he chatted to fans and watched some shitty show. Finishing off the rich, world-ending red sauce Aunt Abena had brought by last week was just the cherry on top; Xi could never bear to waste any of that stuff, and he’d already made a pasta bake and some sandwiches with it over the weekend. Using it as a dipping sauce would probably make her roll her eyes at him, but it was better than nothing.

“Time to get the stew out?” Janey said, from over by the fridge. “God, that smells so good…”

“It’s the red sauce in the patterned bowl. Should be in front.”

“Oh my fuck, is this Abena’s? Ahhh, the heavens smiling on me ah…” When Xi heard a suspicious thump from the living room, he looked over, only to see Janey rolling around on the ground, carefully hugging said patterned bowl, peppering it with loud kisses. “Heheh, in your face, B, jiejie will eat this all~!”

“B’s here?” A quick glance at the chat showed that Bertram was indeed present, and in rare form.

> God B: a curse on all your wretched ancestors!

> God B: stealing my auntie’s sauce, truly courting death!!

> God B: Xi, Xi, you promised [cry]

> God B: even making yam for her ah, wasn’t that supposed to be our lunch tomorrow ah

“I told you I wasn’t going to wait to use the sauce well before you headed out for the conference,” Xi said, struggling to keep back a smile. “And the yam was a whim, I didn’t even know she’d be here until she turned up.”

> God B: even so, laozi isn’t fucking resigned!!!

> God B: this wicked woman, always appearing whenever you make something good, ah, she really hasn’t changed!!

> [Fan D is begging God B to be calm!]

> God B: what calm, what fucking calm, just all you old fans listen well!

> God B: if laozi sees you cast a single vote for this evil woman, don’t blame laozi for stepping on you in future!!

Naturally, in the next moment, just as Xi was starting to test a piece from the third and last batch of yam, he heard the telltale noise of a food container being opened. “Janey, no.”

“Ehhh?” God, even without turning around to see her face, he could imagine the exaggerated innocence of her expression. “Don’t we need to warm this up?”

You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

> God B is beseeching the gods of this channel! Their holy prayer is: DIE!!!! J.E.M.!!!!

Janey laughed. “You’re not the first to say that, and you won’t be the last,” she said, amidst the rustles and light footsteps that indicated she was probably getting back to her feet. “Doesn’t it make you feel it’s true that evil people live best?”

> Fan C: 100%!

> [newXi is fervently convinced!]

> mod_urakilla: if that’s what evil looks like, I want to be evil too _(┐「 ε :)_

> Xi-hungry: all done now guys

> Xi-hungry: song time~ song time~

> God B: even though that trash isn’t here… can Xi-er really bear to jiongjiong like this???

> [God B is enormously disappointed with Xi-hungry.]

“Sorry, sorry,” Xi said, as he began plating the hot, golden pieces of yam. “It’s just a habit, at this point.”

> God B: …QAQ

> [God B thinks that the integrity of this channel is doomed!]

> hail-on-me: so, so, who’s first??

> mod_urakilla: everyone can just roll, ah, no need to be polite [excited]

> Nameless God: hehe, one of you two can go first

> Nameless God: as you can see, bengong needs to eat well before it all gets cold~

> GodGod_U: ahhh!! Hailey, just sit for a minute, let me take her down first!!!!

And just like that, even before urakilla could foreground the correct sub-stream, the upbeat lead-in for Ursula’s chosen song began, followed by her lightning-hot opening lines. When her sub-stream finally popped up, the contrast between her explosive delivery and her appearance was disorienting; even seeing her lips moving in time with the rap didn’t help make it look any less like a lip-sync.

But the more she spoke, the more she interwove her smooth vocal line in between the bouts of rap, the more it was obvious it couldn’t be anyone but her. By the time she was winding through the arrogant, yet syrupy sweet vocal line of the bridge, the chat was in a frenzy, and the voting box pinned at the top was being bombarded with votes for her.

> Nameless God: UU unnie, you’re still such a fucking bully [cry]

> Nameless God: snatching the coolest Yera song just like that…

> GodGod_U: if evil empress doesn’t like it, can’t she just bully me back? [smile]?

“Hold my plate,” Janey said, around a mouthful of yam. “Wait, no, one more…”

“What fucking hold!” Yuri’s voice sounded crackly and indistinct due to her shitty hotel connection, but lost nothing of its unbridled anger. “Xi, Xi, how the fuck is she qualified to eat when she can’t even devote her full fucking attention to it?”

“Alright, now hold my plate,” Janey said, swallowing audibly. She jammed her already half-empty plate vaguely in Xi’s direction, then lurched back to her feet as soon as he took it. “Fuck props, fuck it all, I’m gonna fucking destroy you.”

“Janey,” Xi said, as he set down her plate on the coffee table, “you do know that nothing is at stake in this.”

“All the more reason to fuck shit up,” Janey muttered. “Right, let’s see how you like this…”

> Fan C: O_o!!

> GodGod-mad: isn’t that fucking cheating??

> GodGod-mad: weren’t we just supposed to choose from pop songs??

> God B: haha.

> God B: this woman ah…

> Nameless God: bengong doesn’t remember our setting a genre limit~

> Nameless God: not using your weapons ah, it isn’t bengong’s fault~~

A quick scroll through the chat history proved that she was right—they’d insulted each other, flamed the songs of a certain group that someone had idly suggested picking from, and then spent the rest of the time boasting and riling each other up. Now, as Janey launched into an red hot performance of an old rap song that was a well-worn challenge staple, Xi couldn’t help but shake his head at Hailey and Ursula’s collective lack of foresight.

Outright cheating? Janey felt it to be beneath her, especially when she could always exploit the various loopholes left available to her through the carelessness of others. Competing with her when she was even semi-serious was like walking through a fucking minefield.

> dayleets: ah ah ah this dilemma ah…

> God B: hehe, dayleets-hyung, don’t even think about it

> dayleets: but…

> God B: laozi said don’t think, so don’t fucking think ah!!

Sadly, Bertram’s efforts were all for nothing; even when you subtracted those few old fans willing to give him face, there was still a tide of new, voiceless subscribers willing to pour vote after vote into Janey’s column. It didn’t help that she was currently doing a picture perfect box dance routine along with her sharp, merciless rap.

> hail-on-me: …

> hail-on-me: Jane, be honest, you practised for this, right???

Janey flashed a grin at the camera, but she didn’t let it, or anything else, mess up her tempo. For the next minute or so, just from looking at her, you could imagine that she was onstage, and there was nothing in the world but her voice, the beat, the steps, and the music. But all good things came to an end, and so the imaginary stage became the tiny square of free space in between Xi’s coffee table and the wall with the main screen, and the dancing devil was once again his oldest friend, laughing, sweating and picking at the skirt of her maxi dress.

> Nameless God: wah, it’s so flattering to see you all voting for bengong’s poor performance

> God B: (ｏ`皿′ｏ)

> Xmyrestored: [kowtows]

> Xmyrestored: can’t afford to vote, so all I can do is bow ah ah ah ah ah

> [Fan Aiya is following Xmyrestored and bowing down!]

> [Fan C is following Xmyrestored and bowing down!]

> [dayleets is following Xmyrestored and bowing down!]

> God B: ……

> [God B is desperately wishing they could go up and wash away this farce with a performance of their own!]

> Nameless God: aigoo, such a shame you’re on hell’s own connection ah

> Nameless God: bengong wouldn’t be afraid of your challenge [smirk]

> [God B is threatening to wash this channel in blood!]

“Hey, hey, don’t forget,” Hailey said, her low, smug voice cutting in across everything as her sub-stream was fed in, “there’s still one challenger left.”

“Oh, perfect,” Janey said, sitting back down on the couch, “just what I was missing, a nice little show to eat to.”

The chat spun up in response to that, excited exclamations mixing in with gleeful declarations that oh, J.E.M. was just too much, too disgustingly cruel, their hearts couldn’t take the strain, etc etc. Hailey’s substream floated to the forefront, a blank, mysteriously dark screen the only thing on offer; meanwhile, certain parties began arguing over whether Janey’s first serious acting role should be that of a wicked imperial consort, a scheming modern-day mistress or an alluring demonic cultivator.

[jjcool]: lol what are they all smoking

[jjcool]: me, acting? when I literally just quit after getting sick to death of currying favour and scheming until my hair started falling out?

[jjcool]: keep fucking dreaming!!

[XiErXi]: you’ve really no interest?

[jjcool]: look, a side role like the ones I’ve had is one thing

[jjcool]: no one expects much, just appearing is enough

[jjcool]: trying for real roles, hahaha, no fucking thanks

“So, I was thinking,” Hailey said, from her still-dark screen, “since we’re each allowed a prop…” The screen brightened, revealing the slightly messy confines of what looked like a practice room, replete with mirrors, dance-friendly flooring, and—because Hailey obviously couldn’t help herself—three other members of SM-UNI, all decked out in casual exercise clothes, all grinning like they were in on a massive joke. “How about this lot, for a prop?”

“Do you have no fucking shame?” Ursula cut in, her voice slightly tinny with excitement. “I count one, two, three people, and that’s even if a person can—”

“We only said ‘a prop’,” Hailey interjected. “We didn’t set any limits, and you know, it’s, um, it’s half my group, and I think that should count as one prop, as a whole.”

“Bullshit,” Janey said, with a shark-like grin. “But you know what, I’m in a good mood, I’ll allow it.”

Possibly, the chat would have rioted if she hadn’t; Xi could see that the viewership was spiking beyond what was anywhere near reasonable for a low-profile variety stream at this time of night, and the only reason chat was even readable was because urakilla and the just-logged-in mod_z had turned off new subscriber notifications. “For anyone new here,” Xi couldn’t help but say, “I want you all to know this is not what a normal stream of mine looks like, this is anarchy, and you should probably get a bloody refund of your sub once it’s over, because—mmph!”

“No one listen to him,” Janey said, plaintively, even as she struggled to keep her hand over his mouth. “Stick around, it’s—it’s guaranteed to keep—Xi, you can’t kick me!”

“Put a sock in it, both of you,” Hailey said, her voice wavering with suppressed laughter. “This is my challenge, yeah?” And before Janey or Xi or anyone else could say anything else, the song she’d picked was starting, its mellow intro matched by the slow, casual settling of Hailey and her group members into a loose formation mostly centred on her.

It was soon apparent that, much as Hailey had stretched the rules of the challenge, she didn’t intend to violate them completely. Her group members seemed perfectly content to be weirdly aesthetic background singers with a penchant for eerily synchronized, rippling movements. Even in the practice room setting, Xi could all too easily imagine them twisting and turning just that way in an MV, all while the scenery around them switched between bizarre undersea environments, there was just that kind of flavour to their moves.

And Hailey’s rap was, well… probably this song was her real cheat. Smooth, easy vibes, a tropical flair, not one bit of it too heavy on the ears, the vocal line of it contrasted sharply with the hard-hitting rap line. It was one of SM-UNI’s older songs, one that hadn’t done all that well as part of their second (or was it third?) album, and somehow Hailey made it blind the ears with its shine. She’d only been responsible for about half the rap parts, originally. Group balance, fairness, sharing the spotlight so everyone could have their turn beneath it, all of those had limited her.

As the chat went wild at the end of the song, though Xi was smiling, he could also not help opening up an old, seldom-used private chat:

[XiErXi]: @hails2me is everything okay with your group??

[XiErXi]: i mean, obvs you’re doing okay enough with Lidi, Sayyid and Farrah that they’ll back-dance for you but

[hails2me]: uh, [cough] [cough], Xi-er, um, you know this is just stealth promo right?

[hails2me]: new tour kicks off next wk

[XiErXi]: ohhhhhhhh

[hails2me]: ah ah ah you’re too sweet for this world, too caring ah

[hails2me]: even after we tried to poach Jane back then…

[XiErXi]: well, it’s not like you succeeded, so [smile]

[XiErXi]: so everything’s alright?

[hails2me]: hannah and the blockhead have a cold and a family semi-emergency respectively, or they’d be here bowing rn

[hails2me]: though we should prolly make sure PR knows to guard against that kind of conspiracy theory, lol

[hails2me]: if you can think of it our fans will too

Said fans had also seemed to mobilize en masse, because Hailey’s voting column was being shoved so high that it was starting to look out of proportion with Ursula’s and Janey’s own, fluctuating columns.

> God B’s Big Grin: hehehe, @old-fan-traitor-grp I bet you’re regretting right now

> God B’s Big Grin: betraying so uselessly, only to see nothing as rewards, *smh*

> hail-on-me: thanks for the votes guys [wave]!

> hail-on-me: there’s really something satisfying about winning with your own song ah…

> GodGod_U_U: what fucking own song ah!!! Didn’t hannah write most of it with Sayyid??

> GodGod_U_U: this trash rapper licking up praise for spouting someone else’s verses ah, unnie won’t forgive!

> hail-on-me: ara, do I smell another challenge? [smile]?

> Nameless God: bengong wouldn’t mind accompanying you all in playing around some more, but

> Nameless God: bengong still has ice cream to eat oh~

> GodGod_U_U: who’s talking to you!! eat, eat, eat till you swell up and die!!

> GodGod_U_U has issued a challenge to hail-on-me!

> hail-on-me: hihihi, freestyle?

> Xi-full: just as long as you keep it short, I’m good

> Xi-full: gonna sign off in the next half-hour, I think

> Fan ZZ: shortbread???

> Xi-full: I’m knackered, I’ll do it tomorrow

> God Yuri: what ZZ is too timid to ask is um, shortbread raffle??

> Xi-full: I promised most of it to all our aunts and uncles, they’re having a thing this weekend

> God Yuri: ah but, like that there won’t be any for us

> God B’s Big Grin: yeah, Xi, those greedy old people won’t leave any

> Xi-full: there should be a dozen left over after my share, how about you two split that?

> [God Yuri is ecstatic!]

> God B’s Big Grin: Xi-er, truly a friend [heart] [heart]

> Fan ZZ: WTF!! isn’t this nepotism right in front of our faces???

> [hail-on-me is nodding fiercely in agreement!]

> [GodGod_U_U is nodding fiercely in agreement!]

> fkofe: hehe, XiXi, don’t just give the shortbread out like that

> fkofe: raffle them off to all of us, okay?

Even as Eric said that, someone donated enough to pin up an auto-raffle—something Xi had totally forgot was even a thing you could do, since his fans normally didn’t spend so recklessly. Unfortunately, even as the fans in chat wildly approved this bold manoeuvre, Xi was narrowing his eyes at the admin-only message the auto-raffle’s creation had generated.

MrJiong has dedicated a private offering to the Forest God. Their prayer is: Xi-er, Xi-er, leave some for me?

----------------------------------------

1. dongsaeng: Korean, means ‘younger brother’ or ‘younger sister’, usually used to refer to someone younger than you that you have a good relationship with↩