When I recovered consciousness, my mouth was full of grass.
Well, okay, it wasn't just my mouth.
I was lying facedown on thick, soft grass. It smelled, unsurprisingly, of grass. It also tasted like grass. And it was green. It prickled my arms and my face, too.
I pushed myself off the grass with a groan and sat up, spitting out the grass that had found its way into my mouth. I looked around around and found...
"Well, what do you know," I said. "More grass."
I was sitting in the middle of a field of grass that looked a lot like that famous Windows XP wallpaper, clear blue sky and all. The air was crisp and fresh, and there was even a hill nearby. In fact, except for the dark, black-and-gray clouds far away in the horizon, filled with sinister lightning, the place looked pretty nice. Granted, there was absolutely nothing around me that I could see, except for green grass and blue skies, but hey... I wasn't complaining. After being thrown out of an airplane, meeting with a demon in an office, and then getting to reincarnate as an awesome hero in an awesome world, what was a little grass? Besides the best heroes all started out as farm boys. I think.
"But if I am a farm boy," I said, looking around. "Where is the farm?"
"BUGAWK!"
The noise was so loud and so sudden I instantly jumped to my feet and assumed a defensive position I’d learned from an entire childhood watching Jackie Chan movies. I also may or may not have let out a loud and high-pitched noise that might be considered, under the wrong circumstances, as “the scream of a scared little girl”, but I will never talk about that unless I have an attorney present.
It was a chicken.
Before you judge me, it was a big chicken.
It peered curiously at my face. I peered back at it. Half a second later, the chicken started glowing softly with a faint white aura.
“What the heck?” I said. And then, “Heck. Heck. S-word. B-word. F-word. Darn. Oh well...” it looked like I was still limited by the language filter. But why was the chicken glowing? And why was it so big? I kept looking at it for a moment more, and as my attention focused on it, suddenly a window popped up in my field of view. A freaking window, just like in a videogame.
Stupendous Chicken of Flame
Level 5
Mob – Neutral
Status: Peaceful
HP: 25/25
I looked at the floating window. Then I looked at the chicken. Then I looked at the floating window once more.
“Stupendous?” I said.
“Bugawk!” the chicken replied, and then it turned its back to me and went cluck-cluck-cluck-BUGAWK!
“Right...” I said, scratching my head.
I looked around once more, hoping something would have changed, but everything was just the same: green grass, blue skies, and the sinister-looking black-and-gray clouds lining a good chunk of the horizon far away. Darn, but that place looked dangerous. If I knew anything about games, that was probably the lair of the final boss. I'd have to stay away from that place for a while, at least until I...
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Hold on a second.
I looked at the, ahem, Stupendous Chicken of Flame, and an idea appeared in my mind. If this place really was a game world, and it sure looked like it, I would have to level up. I was, after all, the hero. And what better way to level up than to fight mobs? And there was a level five mob right in front of me... This couldn't be a coincidence.
I glanced at the chicken.
The chicken glanced at me.
I put a little distance between me and the chicken, ran forward, and then punted the poor winged biped all the way to Kingdom Come.
As the chicken flew upwards into the clear blue sky, it got smaller and smaller, until it was merely a tiny shadow in the distance. I shaded my eyes from the sun and watched it go, wondering how long it would take for my experience points to compute. I was probably level one, so killing a level 5 mob should be enough to get me a good amount of XP. Maybe even level up, who knows?
As I watched, however, the chicken started getting bigger again. Right. Everything that goes up, has to come down. Well, unless it enters into orbit, but that's a different story. But that chicken was coming down way too quickly. In fact, it seemed to be glowing bright red, enveloped in flames like a meteor. Unlike a meteor, however, it seemed to be adjusting its trajectory.
Hmmm..., I thought. That can't be good.
I focused my attention on the chicken again and another window popped up in my field of view.
Stupendous Chicken of Flame
Level 5
Mob – Hostile
Status: Enraged
HP: 24/25
“Oh,” I said, as realization dawned on me. “S-word.”
I may not be very bright, but when an angry burning chicken from hell comes flying in your direction, there's only one thing to do: you turn around and you run. So I turned around and I ran.
“BUGAAAAAAAWK!” the chicken roared, flying after me like a fire-breathing demon.
No, I'm not joking: not only was the chicken chasing me, it was also breathing fire. That was the most messed up thing I'd ever seen in my life. Was it cool? Kinda. Did I deserve it? Probably. Did any of that make any difference? Not really.
As I ran, trying to get to the nearby hill, the chicken started gaining on me, and the jets of flame were getting closer and closer. I could feel the heat increasing with each furious BUGAWK, and thought I could smell burned hair. My burned hair.
I got to the hill and started climbing, and that was when a particularly intense BUGAWK singed my butt. Not only did the fire hurt like heck, it also made a warning pop up in my field of view, glowing red:
You are under attack.
HP: 8/10
“I ONLY HAVE 10 HP?” I yelled, more offended than hurt. “THIS IS BULL-S-SWORD!”
As soon as I reached the top of the grassy hill, I saw buildings in the distance. Big buildings. One of them looked like a barn. There was a large fence surrounding the place, too. So that was the farm. And even if it was not-
“BUGAAAAAWK!” the chicken roared, and the roar was accompanied by the loud VWOSH of intense flames. I instinctively jumped forward, fell to the ground belly-down, and covered my head with my hands. A powerful jet of fire VWOSHed overhead, leaving a trail of burned grass in front of me that was at least ten feet long. Holy s-word. It also singed my hands and hair.
You are under attack.
HP: 7/10
Well, at least that attack only cost me one HP. But a part of me noticed that if merely being singed by the fire cost me HP, what would happen if that thing got a clear shot at me?
Still lying belly-down on the grass, I looked up at the sky and saw the chicken maneuvering like a freaking fighter jet doing a long loop against the sun. I even got a lens-flare effect.
“Oh s-sword...” I said. I stumbled back to my feet and resumed my desperate run.
Something I have to say, just for the record: that chicken was pretty awesome. Even in that situation, I had to admire the monster's aerobatic ability. Yes, it was furiously trying to murder me, but at least it was cool. I mean, how many people can say they died to a fire-breathing chicken? That's what I thought.
As I ran, the buildings started getting bigger and bigger, and I realized the place really was a farm. Good. All I needed to do was get there so I could hide inside a barn or a coop or... No, hold on, not a coop. Nope. A barn, yes. Maybe even a shed. Heck, at this point I would hide inside a hole in the ground. When you have an enraged chicken trying to KFC your ass, seeing a farm in the distance is like a dream come true.
“Bugawk,” the chicken said, and the sound was surprisingly close.
I slowly looked to my side and let out a yelp as I realized the thing was flying side by side with me, aligned with my head. It had its fiery eyes fixed on me as I ran.
“Look, I'm sorry!” I said. “I'm new here!”
The chicken squinted at me, and then slowly shook its head, letting me know it was having none of my BS. Then it opened its mouth once more.
Welp, that was it.
There was no escaping this time. The beast was going to point-blank deep-fry me. The world slowed down, and I saw fire and death staring me in the face.
A crazy idea crossed my mind, and the chain of thought that led to my following action was something like this:
Do it.
What if it doesn't work?
Just do it.
But...
DO IT!
So I did it.
As the flames started swirling out of the Stupendous Chicken's beak, I grabbed it by the throat with one hand and closed its beak with the other, holding it shut tight. The beast's eyes went wide with shock and surprise, and it stared at me with a mix of outrage and confusion as smoke started flowing out of its ears.
“Not so tough now, are ya?” I said, shaking it a little bit to show it who was boss, making the dark gray smoke swirl in the air.
It tried cluck-cluck-clucking one more time. It didn't work.
I smiled.
It squinted.
And then it exploded.