Well, turns out death is not half as bad as they make it out to be.
No, I'm not telling you to go jump off a cliff or anything. I'm just saying: for me, it wasn't all that bad. In fact, it was even exciting. Granted, the parachute didn't open, but that's life. One day the parachute opens, the other... Well, it doesn't. My last memories involve a lot of wind, whistling, whooshing, a sudden pain in my chest followed by the words 'Son of a b-'.
And then I found myself standing before the pearly gates.
Except there weren't any pearls around. And no gate, either.
The place I was in looked more like a very busy office than any paradise I could have conjured up in my mind – which was very strange, because I didn't even believe in paradise. Or the afterlife. But reality is just like gravity – it sucks you right into it. So now there I was, in the afterlife. And it was nothing like I had imagined.
To be honest, the place looked like my worst nightmare. If there was a Bad Place, this had to be it: no fire and flames, no pitchforks, nothing of the sort. Instead, an office. A freaking office. And there were no people around, just demons. I mean, I assumed they were demons: short, chubby, reddish-brown, a bit bovine, with a pair of horns, wearing white shirts and yellow ties... Either demons or office workers, and I'm not sure there is much difference between the two.
And boy, did they talk.
The office was so noisy it felt like a farmer's market. It was the definition of hustle and bustle. The demons seemed to be in a type of perpetual hurry, moving from desk to desk while carrying large stacks of paper. Some of them got signed, some got stamped, some went to the shredder, but the movement never stopped. Someone shouted something in a strange growling language, and they all boomed with laughter, only to quickly return to their tasks. If this was hell, then I'd rather have a large cup of oblivion, please. With my luck though, soon a fat demon would soon show up and say something like, “Welcome to the Afterlife! Now please accompany me to your cubicle, WHERE YOU'LL SPEND THE REST OF ETERNITY IN A MEANINGLESS AND USELESS JOB! MWAHAHAHA!”
I shivered just thinking about that.
It was strange that I could shiver, with all the being dead and all. It was also strange I still had a body. Hey, maybe I wasn't dead at all. Maybe I was just hallucinating. Or this could be a nightmare, who knows? I knew it couldn't be a dream, because there would be fewer demons around. And they wouldn't be wearing white shirts and yellow ties.
“Calm down, Tom,” I told myself.
Oh, by the way, the name's Tom. Most people think it's short for Thomas, but that's not really the case. See, my parents were very creative when it came to names, so they decided to call me...
“Mr... Tomahawk?” a voice said next to me.
“That's right, baby,” I said, turning to look at... There was nothing there. Nothing, no one. Just empty air. But I had definitely heard a voice calling my name. I looked up at the white office ceiling. “God?”
Something kicked me in the shins. It hurt. I looked down.
There was a demon there. It was tiny, maybe three feet tall, and so cute. It looked like a mix between a cow, a buffalo, and a beast from the depths of damnation itself. It wore a white shirt and a bright yellow tie.
“Hey, little guy!” I said, crouching to take a closer look at it. “Aren't you adorable?”
The demon opened its cow-like mouth and a jet of flame shot at my face.
I blinked.
“You're not God!”
“No shit, Sherlock!” the demon said, clearly annoyed. Then it pinched its nose and sighed. And it wasn't just your regular, run-of-the-mill sigh, either. It was the bored, what-am-I-doing-with-my-life-I-don't-get-paid-enough-for-this kind of sigh. It was the perfect sigh of the office worker. Looks like this was hell, after all. The demon shook its horned head and looked at me with its big eyes. “For all you know, Mr Hawk, I could be Madonna.”
“Nah, I went to see her once. Madonna is taller,” I said, scratching my chin thoughtfully. “Now, Lady Gaga...”
“Jesus Christ!” the demon exclaimed, and the entire office stopped moving. They all stopped breathing, too. They instantly turned to look at the tiny one in front of me, reproach clear in their eyes.
“Sorry,” it told the office. “Newcomer.”
“Oooooh,” they all said, nodding, as if that explained everything. And then, as if on cue, they all returned to their hustle and bustle.
“Now, would you please accompany me to my office?” the demon said.
No.
Oh, no.
God, no.
It was happening.
IT WAS HAPPENING!
I turned around and ran. If they wanted me to spend eternity in this place, they'd have to drag me kicking and screaming, because there was no way I'd voluntarily-
I was suddenly inside a large glass cubicle office.
No, it made absolutely no sense to me, either. One second I was running away from the clutches of perdition, the next I was looking at a glass-and-steel wall.
“You can't escape, Mr. Hawk,” the demon said behind me.
I slowly turned around and saw a large desk, meticulously organized. There was even a large mug of coffee next to a large stack of papers. Behind the large desk with the large mug of coffee, the demon was sitting on a large office chair. It was so large, in fact, that the demon looked ridiculous in it. The chair had a golden fiery crown emblazoned on the headrest. That couldn't be a good sign. Also, why was everything large in that office? The demon was tiny. That couldn't be good for the joints. Or the back. Maybe it was a boss demon? In games, the smaller the enemy, the stronger it is... Hmmm...
“Please, have a sit,” the tiny demon said, and a wooden stool appeared in front of me. A freaking wooden stool.
I looked at the stool. Then at the huge chair the demon was sitting on. Then back at the stool. Then I looked at the demon. It had a satisfied evil grin in its bovine face. It looked at me, then at the stool, then it nodded at the stool, raising its eyebrows at me.
Giving him the fakest of fake smiles, not even trying to pretend that was funny, I slid into the stool.
“OH, COME ON!” I yelled, and the demon laughed.
One of the legs of the stool was shorter than the others, so the thing wouldn't stand still. Instead, it kept dancing left and right as I tried to adjust my butt in a comfortable position.
“Man, this really is hell,” I said, as the stool went knock to the right. Knock to the left. Knock to the front. Knock to the back.
“Not quite, Mr. Hawk,” the demon said, assuming a more professional tone. Every time the stool danced, however, he shivered with satisfaction. Sadistic little b-word.
“B-word,” I said out loud. “B-word,” I repeated. And then I kinda panicked. “What the heck? Heck? I'm not trying to say heck, I'm trying to say HECK. What the f-word? F-WORD! What is this? What is going on?”
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The demon was laughing so much, it even pulled out a black handkerchief to dry its fiery tears. “Oh, this never gets old.”
“Why can't I say b-word?” I asked, a bit desperate.
“No profanity in this place, Mr. Hawk,” it said, chuckling. “Orders.”
“Orders?”
“From Above.”
“You gotta be kidding me.”
“Oh, I'm afraid we don't kid around here, Mr. Hawk.”
“Stop calling me Mr. Hawk. My name is-”
“Your name is Thomas Hawk.”
“No, it's actually-”
“Thomas. Hawk,” the demon enunciated. “There was a mistake during your birth registration.”
A mistake? But... That could only mean...
“Hold on,” I said. “You're saying I spent my whole life being bullied because of a mistake?”
“Yeah,” the demon said, and started laughing again. “Hilarious, isn't it?”
“F-WORD YOU!”
It laughed even harder. “Oh, stop it,” it said, and more fiery tears fell out of its eyes. The demon was almost bent over with laughter.
F-word-ing heck.
I crossed my arms, trying to look sullen, but the dancing stool wouldn't stand still, so I almost fell backwards. That gave me a mini heart attack. Which was weird, because I was already dead. How could I feel things like fear? Anger? Surprise? Hatred towards a very specific demon?
“Oh, I love this job,” the demon said, drying its eyes again. And then it assumed a very professional expression, crossing its tiny hands on top of its lap. It even moved forward in its chair a little bit, to look right at me. “And it's because I love it that I have to do it right. So, Mr. Hawk, as you might have noticed, your life on Earth is over.”
“No shit, Sherlock?” I said. And then, “Shit! Shit! Shit! Hey, I can say s-word! Oh.”
The demon cleared its throat, and then looked up at the ceiling. “I apologize. New intern.”
“It's okay,” I said.
“I'm not talking to you.”
“Oh.”
The demon cleared its throat again. It looked like it was getting annoyed. Heh. I knew could have that effect on people sometimes, but on a freaking demon?
The demon grabbed a sheet of paper and then its eyebrows went up. “Oh, that makes sense,” it murmured.
“What makes sense?”
“Your death,” it said. “Looks like you've been, and I quote, thrown out of an airplane for being too annoying.”
I felt very self-conscious all of a sudden. “Well, that's not exactly how it happened...”
The demon looked at me with that kind of skeptical expression you only see in anime and videogames. “Really?”
“Y-yeah.”
“What happened, then?”
“Well, you see... It was my birthday, so I decided to go skydiving. A little treat for myself, you know?”
“Hum,” the demon said, and gestured for me to continue.
“But I'm afraid of heights. And... Well...”
The demon looked at the sheet of paper again. “Says here you annoyed the crew so much that they decided to throw you out of the plane. Unfortunately, they completely forgot to give you a parachute. Does that sound right?”
I felt very warm and uncomfortable all of a sudden. “That's not how I remember it,” I muttered.
“Right...” the demon said, picking up a pen and adding a check mark to the sheet of paper. “Death by defenestration. That's not very common nowadays.”
“Really?”
“Really,” the demon said with a nod. He suddenly looked at me with more enthusiasm. It felt like I'd stopped being that annoying guy and turned into interesting specimen. “Being thrown out of an airplane? For annoying the crew? Now, that's a good death right there.”
I felt suddenly very proud of myself. “Yeah... It kinda is, isn't it?”
“F-word no, it's ridiculous!” it said. “You were so annoying that your own species decided to murder you? I love it.”
“Oh,” I said, and all my sudden joy drained away like an unclogged toilet. “I hadn't thought of it as, you know, murder...”
“Just because it's justified, doesn't mean it's not murder,” the demon said.
“Well, I didn't say it was justified...”
“Gosh darn it, Thomas!” the demon said, slapping the table with both hands. “I've been in your presence for ten minutes and even I am already fantasizing about defenestration! And I grew up in Hell! Let's get this over with so you can get on with your new life! How does that sound?”
“Sounds pretty good to me,” I said. And then, “Wait, what? New life?”
“That's right,” the demon said, in the efficient tone of someone who wants to be done with something as quickly as possible. “New life.”
“I'm not going to Heaven?”
“Nope,” it said. “You didn't qualify.”
“I didn't... qualify?”
“Nope.”
“Huh... Hell, then?”
“We don't want you there, no.”
“Purgatory?”
“Not really a thing, no.”
I gulped. “So what happens now?”
“You go back.”
“To Earth?”
“Nope.”
“Oh, good,” I said. “I hated that place. It looks too much like...” I looked around, a sudden realization hitting me. “It looks a lot like here.”
“Yeah, haha, it does, doesn't it?” the demon said with an evil glint in its eyes. Then it cleared its throat. “Purely coincidental. Enough thinking about the past, let's think about the future. Where would you like to go?”
That caught me by surprise.
“Wait, seriously? I can choose?”
“Of course,” it said, pointing at a large book with a black cover. “There's an infinite multiverse out there. You can choose anything!”
“Anything?”
“Well, okay, not anything... You have a low karma score, so there are a few limitations...”
“Karma score?”
The demon looked at me with an exasperated expression. I was annoying the heck out of heck itself. How cool am I? The stool danced under my butt again. Darn it.
“Here's the thing, you look like an adventurous guy,” the demon said. “I mean, jumping out of airplanes and all.”
“Yeah,” I said, running my hand through my hair, looking smug. “I like adventure.”
“And videogames? Do you like videogames?”
“Heck yeah!” I said, suddenly excited. Some of my best memories in life came from the time I'd spent playing videogames. “I love Final Fantasy, Chrono Trigger...”
“Hmmm, I see... So you enjoy epic RPGs?”
“Dead Cells, Hades, Skul the Hero Slayer...”
“Interesting. Roguelites... How abo-”
“Doom, Dishonored, Boltgun...”
“Okay, I get it. First Person Shooters. You l-”
“Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, Tekken...”
“THOMAS!”
“Hmmm?” I said dreamily. God, a life playing videogames was a life well-lived. It was far better than being thrown out of airplanes, too.
The demon looked exasperated again. Its little chest heaved with deep breaths.
“How would you like to be reincarnated into a videogame world? Does that sound good?”
My heart leaped with sudden euphoria at the idea. “Are you serious? That's a thing?”
“Infinite multiverse!” the demon said with a strange smile. I think I saw its eye twitching a little bit, too. “Anything's possible. And your karma score qualifies you for a lot of exciting options!”
I thought of Crono traveling through time, defeating Lavos, saving the world, marrying Princess Nadia... Oh yeah. That was the life I was meant to live.
“Awesome!” I said. “That's great! Where do I sign?”
The demon's smile grew even larger, and it looked incredibly satisfied with itself. A tiny crown of golden fire appeared over its head for a moment, or maybe that was just my imagination.
“You... You don't want to think about it for a moment?” the demon said, sliding a sheet of paper to me.
I thought of the Epoch flying through hyperspace. Of magical swords, powerful wizards, even dinosaurs... What was there to think about?
“Oh,” I said. “Yeah, there's one thing.”
The demon suddenly deflated a little. “Yes?”
“Do I get to keep all my memories? Or is it one of those weird Buddhist things where you forget everything and have to start all over again, like a vegetable or something?”
“A vegetable, you say?”
“Yeah, like... A parsnip or something.”
“Oh, no,” the demon said, and the tiny crown appeared over its head again. “You keep all your memories, alright. Just the way you are right now.”
“Awesome!” I said, pulling the sheet of paper to me.
It read Contract of Reincarnation in big letters at the top. And then it continued, I, Thomas Hawk, hereinafter referred to as The Reincarnator...
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I said, ignoring everything and signing the document at the bottom. “Who reads the terms and conditions, right?”
“Who indeed?” the demon said, smiling a terrible smile, eyes glinting with malice and joy. The fiery crown floating above its head seemed to grow a little bit. That was a bit weird but hey, the thing was a demon after all. And I was going to live in a videogame world. With all my memories, too!
“Say, do we have stats and skills and powers in a videogame world?”
“You do indeed,” the demon said, picking up the contract and looking at it fondly. “You even get to level up, as it were.”
My mind was filled with images of lightning falling from the sky. Of mountains being cut in half. Of dragons flying over rainbows. Castles. Soldiers. Battles. I tried to suppress a shiver of excitement, but failed. This was going to be a dream come true. If I knew that being thrown out of an airplane would allow me to become an epic hero, I'd have done it sooner.
“Do you have any further questions, Mr. Hawk? You look excited.”
“No questions,” I said, rubbing my hands together. I was so excited I was even shaking a bit. “Just one last thing, Mr. Demon, sir.”
“Yeeees?” the demon said, almost purring.
“Make sure I get an awesome world, okay? None of that Farming Sim bull-s-sword.”
“Worry not, Mr. Hawk,” the demon said, getting to its feet. Maybe it was my imagination, but it looked far bigger than before. “I am not only a demon, a fallen angel from the depths of hell, condemned to perpetual torment, I am also a gentleman.”
“That's what I like to hear,” I said, getting to my feet and offering it a fistbump. The demon looked puzzled for a second, but then fistbumped me. Its hand was very warm. It looked very pleased with itself.
The demon stood in front of me, examining me for a long moment, just like someone examines a car before buying it. Or a cow. Or maybe a donkey.
“Enjoy your new life, Mr. Hawk.”
“Thanks, man! I will!”
The demon raised its left hand and, with a final glance at me, snapped its fingers.