My life was some kind of black comedy, and I was playing the straight man trying to make sense of the absurdity surrounding him. No, that wasn’t quite right. My life was a grand experiment in cosmic irony, doomed to forever provide to others that which I could not have myself. That was probably closer to the truth. Was the bankruptcy of my own Fate being redistributed to those who hung around me? Did my lack of Fate cause some kind of whirlpool effect where those around me got an extra-heavy dose? It was starting to seem more likely than not.
Still, causing three tick marks in as many days was a frankly ridiculous record. I had no doubts that if anyone in any position of power ever found out, the most I’d be able to do would be to pick my prison. I could hope for the luxury house arrest version, where my hypothetical captor tried to keep me happy with material wealth and a door that locked from the outside, but a nondescript government lab or dingy cell was more likely. It’s not like I had the power or influence to resist in any meaningful way.
Jerry had frozen staring at his forearm, an expression somewhere between resignation and genuine fear on his face. We were lucky that we’d picked a spot tucked away in the corner and Jerry hadn’t had a big reaction to his tick mark appearing. Also that the Charlottesville train station wasn’t exactly bustling just before lunch on an April Friday, with only a few other people scattered about the lobby. Jerry hadn’t had a loud reaction, but now that the initial shock had worn off I could hear him muttering under his breath.
“Find the secret, find the fucking secret, can’t you see there was no finding here! This was a secret served up on a silver platter before I even had the chance to order anything, this was a secret dumped on my doorstep like a cat bringing me a dead mouse. There was no finding involved, fuck off Fate, mocking my goddamn principles… fuck!” Jerry’s voice finally rose above a murmur on the last expletive, drawing a few glances our way. I reached out a hand to keep him calm and maybe offer a little comfort, but he flinched away. Not gonna lie, that hurt. He didn’t even look at me, but did close his eyes and take a deep breath in and out.
“I’m not upset with you, Connor.” Jerry hissed with a tone that definitely said the opposite. “I’m fucking pissed at the situation.” He stood up stiffly. “I need to cool off. I’ll be back before we start boarding.” He stalked off vaguely in the direction of the bathrooms, fists opening and closing and tension heavy in his frame. I felt a pang in my heart with each step. In trying to be honest and lighten my own load of anxiety, all I’d managed to do was pass it off to my best friend instead.
I slumped back in my seat, head lolling over to face Danielle. Her reaction was much more muted, though I could see the telltale bits of stiffness that meant she was calling on all her high society training to not show a reaction. That just made me feel even worse. I just thought we should all know what we were getting into, not just with Danielle running away but if my Listlessness was ever discovered. Apparently that was the wrong move. Now Jerry’s rarely-seen temper was in the driver’s seat and Danielle was reverting to how she’d had to act around her parents. I felt like the world’s biggest heel. Should have kept my mouth shut, taken my secret to the grave.
A hand on my shoulder paused my pity party before the pinata could pop. I looked up at Danielle through watery eyes, mentally cursing my overactive tear ducts. I expected anger like Jerry’s, maybe some internalized scorn from a lifetime of being indoctrinated by Fulfillers, or simple pity. I wasn’t remotely prepared to see the expression that had broken through her momentary stiffness. I was so rattled it took me a few moments to put it all together in a way that made sense. Raised eyebrows for surprise, bright eyes that spoke of excitement, slack jaw and slightly parted lips like she wanted to gasp - it wasn’t an expression I was used to seeing directed at me. Hell, it wasn’t an expression I was used to seeing directed at people in general. It felt like it should be reserved for breathtaking mountain vistas or wonders of the world. It was wonder, it was reverence, it was awe.
“What?” I choked out through the lump in my throat. “Why are you… you should be disgusted!”
“Should I?” Danielle tilted her head. “I don’t think I should. I think I should be impressed.”
“Impressed? With me, the fateless freak?”
Her eyes hardened for a moment. “Don’t talk about my friend Connor like that. He’s brave and kind when nothing requires him to be. That makes him admirable.”
I gave a weak chuckle. “I’d love to meet the guy.” Her other hand came out of nowhere to poke me right between the eyes.
“I’m serious.” She said firmly. “I admire you, Connor.”
“How?” I asked, incredulous. “Why? I’m defective! Unchosen! Listless!”
Her finger poked my forehead again. “I thought I told you to stop talking about my friend like that.” She grabbed my hand and gave a quick squeeze. When she spoke again, it was gentle and slow. “I admit it was a shock to hear. It’s not something I ever considered would be possible before now, but you’re not the type to lie about something important, and Jerry wouldn’t have received a tick mark if it was some kind of joke.” She paused and looked me straight in the eye like she was willing her words to strike home. “The past day has seen more change in my life than I ever thought possible. My future was all but set in stone before, only dependent on minor adjustments based on what my List ended up being. Now, because of you, my life is in my hands for the first time ever. I’m not being treated like an accessory to my mother or father or an opportunity to be taken advantage of. I don’t have maids and tutors walking on eggshells around me while simultaneously disregarding my opinion. I have a friend who treats me as my own person regardless of any baggage I bring with me. How could I not return the favor?”
My watery eyes had definitely progressed to full-on crying now, but I couldn’t bring myself to care that I was probably making a fool of myself in front of the girl I’d been crushing on. Because at that moment, she was so much more than that. She was a scared girl putting aside her own fears and lack of experience to try to comfort me. She was a sheltered girl who had never been permitted to show much emotion expressing herself with almost painful sincerity. She was a lonely girl refusing to let one of the few people she connected with close himself off. Whatever awe she’d had in her eyes before, I was sure I was reflecting twice as much gratitude.
“You know.” I said weakly, but trying to inject a teasing lilt. “For someone who had a reputation as an ice queen, you’re really good at emotional speeches.”
She gave a sincere smile. “I’ll keep it in mind for future career options.”
I just chuckled and shook my head. It was kind of amazing to see the transformation Danielle had undergone in not even a full day’s time. There were still habits I recognized from her upbringing: pauses that were slightly too long, a mask she seemed to have to deliberately choose to let slip, a certain mechanical precision to her movements when she went on autopilot. But the parts of her that I was just now getting to know blew me away. I’d known she was smart, but it was more than that: she was perceptive. She’d somehow come out of her Fulfiller pressure-cooker incubator of a childhood with a strong front to show the world, but an intact heart behind it. The Fulfiller circles her parents wanted her running in would have scoffed at it and tried their damnedest to rip it out. I was just glad she felt like she could finally let that part of herself show.
“How do you do it?” I couldn’t help but ask. “I… sorry, I shouldn’t pry.”
“Yes you should. How do I do what?” Open, honest sincerity, my only weakness.
“I mean,” I waffled, trying to find phrasing that didn’t make me cringe. “I have a pretty great family, all things considered. We have our arguments and little things that annoy each other, but at the end of the day I’m incredibly grateful to have them. I have to credit them with most of my emotional intelligence and general ability to function as a human being.” I scratched the back of my neck self-consciously. “I guess I’m just wondering how you can be so kind and genuine when your family is so…” I trailed off.
“Emotionally stunted?” Danielle offered. I winced but nodded. “I wish I could say I’m just thinking of what my parents would do and doing the opposite. It’s not quite that simple.” She looked pensive. “When I was a little girl, they’d tell me the story of how they met. It was a pre-college orientation, just a few weeks after their Fool’s Day. They were put in the same group and ticked off each other’s first point within an hour of meeting for the first time. It couldn’t possibly have been scripted any better for two people determined to Fulfill their full List. It was like Fate was giving its stamp of approval, telling them they were meant for each other.” She sighed. “I used to think that was the most romantic thing I’d ever heard. For them, it was never about romance, but ambition. They took that meeting as a sign that everything they did together was meant to be.”
If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.
“I mean, they did both Fulfill their full lists before thirty-five. So at least some things must have been meant to be.” I pointed out.
She shrugged. “Yes, but what do you do when your whole life has been dedicated to Fulfilling and there are no more points to tick off? When what brought you together was ambition more than love, you try to fill the void however you can. You relentlessly grow your business and cultivate your social connections, but that only goes so far. You try to leave a mark on your community, maybe carve out a little fiefdom where you can exercise perfect control. You train your daughter to do exactly as you do and start treating her as an extension of your own will.”
“And then when she gets a List of her own and might finally start showing some independence, you try to nip that in the bud to keep your pet project from going off-script.” Jerry cut in, flopping back into his seat. I spared him a glance. His eyes were a little red, but there was none of the simmering anger that he’d stalked off with. He gave me a curt nod. I could tell he wasn’t completely okay, but he was at least okay enough to fake it. We could work the rest out later.
Danielle sighed. “I honestly don’t know what they’re thinking. They told me on Fate’s Eve that I’d have three months to get my first tick mark before they took matters into their own hands.” She rolled up her sleeve, showing off the tick mark just below her wrist. “Fortunately, I barely needed three hours.”
“Woah, time out.” Jerry made the t-gesture with his hands. “Is this how you and Connor became friends?”
Danielle blinked. “Did he not tell you?”
I shifted uncomfortably. “I didn’t want to out you like that, not without your permission.”
“And they say chivalry is dead! I knew there was something big that you were talking around!” Jerry gloated. “Wow, you’re just handing out tick marks like candy, aren’t you?”
“I guide others to a treasure that I cannot possess.” I quoted dryly.
Danielle winced, but Jerry just laughed darkly. “It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, trust me.”
“Jerry, I need you to know that I-”
“Finish that sentence with any kind of an apology and I will punch you in the throat.”
“-really love sour gummy worms.” I finished. He gave me a flat look. “Just in case you didn’t know.”
“I didn’t.” Danielle said. “Any particular brand preferences?”
“Danielle, you are too good for this world, too pure.”
Jerry laughed. “Yeah, the way to this guy’s heart is through copious amounts of sour candy.”
“Noted.” Danielle said in a surprisingly serious tone. I wasn’t dreaming, was I? Because the bit about not having a List was a bit unbelievable, but this might take the cake. Or maybe even the sour gummy worms. I shook my head to clear those fantasies. Not the time or place to go down that tangent, I’d only make myself a blushing, stuttering mess. Just needed to keep things light.
“Jerry, are you alright now?” Danielle turned to him to ask. Or we could jump right into another heavy conversation, that was fine. There was a reason Jerry and I did a lot of our talking in jokes and sarcasm, he didn’t really do direct emotional discussions. He would get angry or sad, go off on his own to brood, and come back with just a bit more bite to his normal snark. Asking directly was a good way to either get the runaround or cause him to storm right back off.
But apparently today was pattern-breaking for everybody involved, as Jerry just shrugged. “Honestly? I’m off-kilter.” He said. “Didn’t really want to tick off any of my points, but to have one dropped on me out of nowhere like that? It’s jarring, and feels like Fate is fucking with me.” He pitched his voice to a mocking falsetto. “Look at this child who doesn’t want to obey! I’ll just make his List happen with no effort on his part, show him there’s no escaping me! Oh ho ho!”
Danielle blinked. I figured with her upbringing, she’d never encountered anyone who didn’t want to pursue the List chosen for them. “I… see.” She said hesitantly, clearly not seeing. “My… condolences, I suppose?”
Jerry gave a thumbs up. “Thanks prez. I’ll get over it, just hope the next point actually gives me a choice.”
“I’d trade you in a heartbeat if we could.” I muttered. Jerry waggled his finger and tsked.
“Let’s not tempt Fate even more, it’s not even noon yet.” He scolded.
“Speaking of which.” Danielle was using her formal tone again. “Perhaps I should inform you of my own new point?” Her shoulders were stiff, but I could see a little gleam of hope in her eyes. She wanted to trust us, but this was likely one of the first lessons her parents had drilled into her about Lists: never let anyone know the details of yours or they’ll use it against you. It definitely had happened in the past, and not just to commit crimes that were later featured on Dateline. Jilted ex-lovers papering the town with the full details of a point, forcing their counterpart to move, businessmen hiring escorts to ply their rivals with drinks and sex until they spilled something, and good old-fashioned political blackmail were just a few of the ways I’d been taught your List could be used against you. I’m sure for someone like Danielle, there were a hundred more examples she’d been taught to avoid. Maybe it was my newfound Listless status, but I felt those risks were overblown. There was only so much information you could glean from a three to ten word phrase that usually leaned heavily on ambiguity. Or maybe there was, I wasn’t exactly plugged into the mystic scene of psychics and diviners.
I realized I’d been silent for a moment too long as I saw Danielle’s face stiffen further. “Only if you’re comfortable telling us.” I said probably too quickly, deliberately slowing down my next sentence. “It would be good to have some warning, however vague. But only if you feel like it would benefit you as well.”
Jerry, predictably, gave a shrug and an indifferent response. “All the same to me.”
Danielle gave a slow nod, some of the tension bleeding out of her frame. “I feel it might be relevant to our journey. That’s why I wanted to bring it up.”
“Well then.” Jerry said. “Can’t hurt to have something Fated on our side for once.”
Danielle winced. “I’m not so sure it is on our side, exactly.”
I sighed. “Par for the course, then. At least there’s a warning this time.”
“Yes.” Danielle closed her eyes and gave a small smile. When she opened them again, they were focused. “You should know, Connor, what my first tick mark was. I believe they might be following a sort of theme.”
I rubbed my chin. “I can’t say I’m not curious. What was it in my impromptu rant about cockfighting that actually managed to tick off your first point.”
“Cockfighting? What did I miss?” I heard Jerry mutter.
Danielle just smiled an enigmatic smile. “Truthfully, I don’t think it was your answer that spurred the tick mark, merely me daring to ask the question.”
I chuckled. “It was a pretty surreal moment for me. For a second I thought I was going to be interrogated about my nonexistent cockfighting hobby.”
“I miss one day of school and the weirdest shit happens.” Jerry kept muttering.
“My first point was straightforward, but difficult for me: don’t bite back the question.” Danielle looked vaguely sheepish for a moment, not an expression that belonged on her refined features. “My mother always told me that as a woman in a position of power, I should never ask questions if I could make demands instead. There was a time that she and my father simply refused to answer anything I phrased as a question. I knew it couldn’t be referring to them, as there’s very little they would actually tell me even if they deigned to respond to a question. But I also wasn’t close enough to anyone at school to have a burning curiosity that I would need to bite back.” She let a playful smirk slip onto her face. “That is, until I saw one classmate reading about the history of cockfighting. I think anyone would have some questions about that.”
Jerry was outright cackling now. “That’s amazing! Oh my lord, I wish I could’ve seen the look on your face Connor! Why the hell were you reading about that?”
I shrugged, smiling. “Internet research rabbit hole, baby! Anything to take my mind off spiraling over my lack of List. And worked out pretty well in the end, didn’t it?”
Jerry panned his gaze over the train station lobby meaningfully. “Yes, this is exactly where all of us imagined we’d be the day after Fool’s Day.” He said dryly.
I flushed. “Hey, it’s an adventure! We get to see Chicago?”
He snorted. “I’m no Quester.”
Danielle gave a small cough. “And about going to Chicago…”
I groaned. “Right, Fated warning. Probably important to focus on that. What is it?”
“My second point, following the theme of my first.” Danielle paused to emphasize her next words. “Don’t reach the end.”
Jerry gasped. “But my favorite anime is on a cliffhanger right now!”
I slapped his shoulder. “No throughline to Chicago, then?”
She nodded. “Seems so.”
I paused, processing, but Jerry had no such compunctions. “Oh my God!” He cried. “I’ve heard of Negative Nancy, and now we have our very own Don’t Danielle! This is amazing!”
She scowled. “Don’t call me that!”
He just pointed to her triumphantly. “That’s perfect, you already know your lines!”
I sighed as they descended into bickering. Hopefully Indianapolis was nice this time of year.