I learned some things when I died. For starters, the Gods viewed my soul the same as a noble might regard a bent penny. Technically a thing with some value but not worth the effort of bending down to claim it. I won’t lie, it was a bit of a blow to my ego. I mean the name of Rowanoak the Dauntless wasn’t renowned but in the circles of Adventurers it was respected. (Mostly. Some idiots have strong opinions about adventurers switching classes, but to hell with them.) I was even mentioned in one song that was kinda popular for a while. I was at the very least a notable Adventurer.
So, when I met my heroic end in a dungeon, shielding civilization from endless tides of monsters and all that, I was expecting… Well I don’t know what. A pat on the head and “Good job, Rowan.” before being whisked away to a hopefully pleasant afterlife? What I was not expecting was to see the five greater Gods of the elemental pantheon bickering like children.
They filled the sky, which itself was odd considering I was still standing over my own corpse in the dungeon where it had fallen. There shouldn’t be any sky, just a rough stone ceiling. Yet it was there, inky black scattered with uncountable glittering stars.
“This is unacceptable! Blatant interference!” Declared a green skinned Goddess with hair like a flower garden pointing at the chamber where my final fight had played out.
Yeah, couldn’t agree more, the fight had been a real shit show from the get go. Boss fights were always hectic but it should have been a walk in the park for the party of heavy hitters I was tagging along with. Only when we broke into the final chamber, the goblin warlord drew a Gods damned legendary sword and started hurling bolts of dragon fire from behind an entire Phalanx of elite foot soldiers.
A woman like a pillar of fire with a beating heart of molten iron answered. “Oh, you’re one to talk, I saw your leafy fingerprints all over that druid. Just a little unsanctioned divine inspiration? Thought no one would notice?”
The green woman grimaced. A God should really have a better poker face.
A masculine figure of endlessly deep water radiated smugness. “Is it our fault such an illustrious party underestimated the threat a mere goblin could pose? You made the safe bet and when it wasn’t going your way you couldn’t help putting your thumb on the scales.”
“If anything I was just balancing those scales.” The green woman muttered under her breath.
A being of shifting winds laughed. “Oh ho! So you admit it! But it does beg the question: where did a humble dungeon boss acquire a unique item like The Dragon’s Fang? One that was lost at sea, oh, a month ago or so. I should know I set that storm blowing myself.”
The watery man twitched. “That was a… unique sword?”
What was this, a farce? Could the Gods really be this bad at Subterfuge? It would honestly explain a lot more about the world then it was… comfortable to admit.
The fiery one answered “Yes indeed, The Dragon’s Fang has many imitators, but the genuine article is quite distinct. If you care enough to look.” The triumph of catching out her peer clear in her voice.
The four turned to an old man who looked carved from a mountain with a snowy avalanche for a beard. He stood beside a massive slate with odds chalked on to it and words I couldn’t make out. “As the Officiator of this dungeon event I declare the first rule has been violated. My judgement is that all bets are null and void. All prizes are forfeit.”
There was an uproar and then the sky vanished. I was left staring up at the craggy ceiling of the dungeon, mind swirling with questions and an uneasy feeling that what happened did not bode well for me.
I examined my body, it was odd seeing myself from the outside like this. Nothing like seeing yourself in a looking glass. Barely into my thirties. I had turned out a big bastard. A head and a half taller than most. You’d have never guessed that was in the cards by how scrawny a kid I was. The life of an adventurer left me a bit scarred up but I liked to think it only added to a rugged handsomeness. My boots, mace, and other miscellaneous valuables were gone with the Glorious Dawn. So I was just lying there in mismatched socks. Dying just before laundry day was a little embarrassing, but that’s just how it goes.
Next, I turned my eyes to the aftermath of the battle that had killed me and went over it again in my mind. The wily old warlord had gotten the jump on us. Worse, his first bolt was aimed squarely at the Healer. Then well, I did my job. I was the party’s defender. Putting myself between the squishy members of a party and danger was pure bone deep instinct. I had even gotten my Shield of Enduring Defence up in time and called on Vitality Burst to brace myself. For all the good it did me. The fire cut straight through my very expensive magic shield, utterly slagged my breastplate, and burned a chunk out of my chest the size of a melon. Finally just to add insult to injury my Ring of Minor Warding broke with a sad little pop, the piece of junk. I was dead before I hit the ground. However I had saved the Healer, and with him possibly the rest of the party as a result.
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I was treated to a front row seat to the rest of the fight as a ghost stuck in place over my own body. In retrospect, I remember catching glimpses of a night’s sky above me so the Gods had likely been peeking in on us from the start but my attention was too focussed on the chaos around me to really notice them at the time.
The fighting was vicious but after the initial shock wore off the Glorious Dawn went to work with a vengeance. They lived up to the hype I’d been hearing about them, truly legends in the making. I was just a temp they had arranged through the guild to delve one of Mount Royale’s local dungeons. Killing time while their team’s actual defender was recovering after some ludicrously dangerous adventure they had up north. Something about averting an ice troll invasion. I never got the whole story. I had no doubt the tale would end up as a song before year's end. Had been looking forward to hearing it too. Oh well.
The battle raged on, things stayed pretty dicey for along while. All trading blows and dodging dragon fire, but their Healer was there to keep them on their feet. The tide finally turned when the Druid suddenly summoned an entire herd of spectral deer to run interference. When all was said and done they were battered and burned but still standing. Victorious. Hell of a show.
I waited. Nothing else happened. Waited some more. I was just left Standing there all alone. Maybe I was supposed to reflect on my life before moving on. That was a thing right?
Ok, childhood: Shitty. Skipping that. Life really didn’t get bearable till the Falling Stars picked me up like a stray cat. They saved my life in more ways than one. I was set on the path of an adventurer after that, no mistake. Though in the end It hadn’t worked out as I’d hoped. Still despite Gods and monsters, I’d helped a lot of parties walk out of a dungeon alive. Going out doing that one last time wasn’t so bad. Maybe the Glorious Dawn would go on to do more great deeds or maybe just sell that damn sword and retire. Either way, they and the ones before them got the chance to make those choices because I did my job. The same as others had done for me time and again. It felt like a debt I long owed finally being paid. I decided then and there I wasn’t going to regret a thing about my days as an adventurer.
After making peace with my life and my death I decided I was ready to face whatever comes. I closed my eyes.
“Wow kid, did you ever get screwed.”
If I was still in my skin I would have nearly jumped out of it. Spinning around I saw a skeleton in tattered leathers and rusted chain mail leaning against the wall.
My exclamation of surprise and challenge was very dignified and didn’t sound at all like someone kicked a chicken.
“WHAT THE FUCK!”
“Ah, sorry bout that. Popping in behind people is just kinda a reaper thing. Can’t do much about it. Wasn’t trying to give you a start on purpose, really. You’ve had a shit enough day already.” They said in a tone that was far too amused to seem truly apologetic.
Ok, yes I had been doing my best to be the stoic and stalwart fallen warrior to that point but If I’m being honest here. I had just fucking died and that fucking hurt a lot and then there were Gods then there weren’t Gods and I was freaking the fuck out and pissed the fuck off. A fucking jump scare skeleton was the last fucking straw.
I threw my arms out to the sides doing my best to encompass the universe and repeated much more deliberately and at volume.
“WHAT. THE. FUCK?!”
The skeleton paused for a moment and then nodded thoughtfully.
“Excellent question and well put. Now, I’m gonna say something very unhelpful and a bit rude but I wantcha to try anyway.” They raised their hands, palms up. “Calm down.”
I twitched and ground my teeth, then inhaled deeply. No air filled my lungs because no lungs but it still helped me gather myself. No matter what was happening, screaming at a skeleton probably wasn’t going to be a productive course of action. Still…
“Fuck.” I added in a much more even tone, this time as a simple statement directed at nothing in particular and everything at the same time.
The skeleton nodded in appreciation giving me another moment or two to settle.
“Ok, thank you. I know that wasn’t easy. A lot just happened and some of the long and short of it is, you’re my problem now. So, why don’t we discuss the mysteries of the universe over a drink.”
It wasn't like I had any other offers.
“That sounds Gods damned amazing to me.”
They snapped their fingers and with a swirling blur of movement I was uprooted from beside my body and found myself at the skeletons side. They then turned and stepped through the wall. I was tugged along behind like a barge in a canal.