After my epic triumph over the snake a small pack of gunk-slingers descended and dragged the corpse a little ways off from the tree. They looked like they’d be happily munching away on the remains for a long while yet. It seemed today I turned out to be their friendly meal providing predator. I even spotted the one with my spear sticking out of its Neck. I guess a free lunch was the least I owed it for the whole attempted assassination thing. My bad. No hard feelings, buddie.
I limped my way back to the hiding spot I used while I crafted my ill fated spear of beetle slaying. I worked myself as deep into the soil as I could manage and passed the fuck out. Vitality burst Had Stunched My wounds but I had still been utterly exhausted and everything hurt. Honestly I was past caring and just wanted the sleep. If something killed me before I woke up, so be it.
~~~~~
“Oi, I’m looking for some fukn’ idiot dead Adventurer named Rowan. Any of you fukn’ losers ‘em?” A harsh feminine voice blared out over the spawn point and shocked me awake like a bucket of cold water.
I let out a surprised “Gub?”
“There ya are. About fukn’ time too. Listen here toad boy and listen close cause I ain’t be repeating meself. Me good mate Dunnie asked me to show ya idoit fukn’ baby arse up from down. Not only did I have to waste me time draggn’ me sorry hide to the arse end of fukn’ nowhere, but a fukn’ nowhere in fukn’ iron damned battle pit. Ya fukn’ curb stomped my whole weekend with this shite ya have. If I didn’t owe Dunnie a biggn’ I just tell ya to go fuk yaself and be done with ya toad boy.”
She hocked a loogie that left a rainbow comet's tail in its wake.
“Now ask ya stupid fukn’ questions. Five words or less. Each. Fukn’ on with it.”
A tiny woman, maybe three inches tall, Glowered down at me with a grimey face. She had the kind of Physique I expect of an acrobat, slender but with the signs of being capable of explosive action in a blink. Hovering above me with a blur of glittering wings on her back. Her whole body seemed to burn with a dancing light giving off the Occasional spark in the manner as a roaring bonfire. Long vivid hair that seemed to shift from pink to blue to green and back fluttered weightlessly in the breeze. She wore a tattered gore spattered shirt with the sleeves ripped off and battered leather Trousers. She was also missing a boot, which was one of the universal indicators for having been just dragged through the shit.
I Had the distinct feeling it would be for the best if I followed instructions here.
“You can understand me?”
She snarled at me and the light glinted off what may have been the world’s smallest nose ring.
“Of course I can fukn’ understand ya. I got the [dungeon babble] perk don’t I? Anything with half an iron damned mind gets it. Ya understand any language the dungeon knows which is basicly fukn’ all of ‘em. I’m speaking low fae, ya get me just fine yeah? Ya speak low fae before? Naw, didn’t think so.”
“Battle pit?” I croaked out.
You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.
“Ai, this whole fukn’ stinking bog is one. If i wasn’t a total badarse I wouldn’ta even been able to bust in here and I’ll have to fight my fukn’ way out again when we’re done too. Dungeon locks these hellholes up tight. Whole Place is just for putting brainless beasties through the grinder. See if anything new n’ shiney pops up when they level. Flying fukn’ Sludge-tossers.” Pointing to the feasting gunk-slingers. “Never seen the like before. Shite like that.”
I knew gunk-slingers weren’t supposed to fly.
“Who’re you?”
“Name’s Vivian fukn’ winterbloom and don’t ya fukn’ fogert it. I’m a pixie. Ain’t from around here either but Dunnie got me the hook up when I needed a spot to lay low. I burned down the tree-manor of the fae lord whose wife I was banging. Why? He wasted me fukn’ time too. Moral of the story don’t fukn’ waste Vivian fukn’ winterbloom’s time! Learn it well. Next question.”
I tried a few combinations in my head, counting the words.
“What’s the status‘ whole deal?”
“You wanna know about status shite? Don’t know the backstory and don’t fukn’ care. How it works is fukn’ simple though. Look at a bit of it and think ‘expand’. That fukn’ easy, amazed ya stupid arse didn’t figure it out your ownself.” She flung her arms to her sides in a gesture reserved for explaining the obvious to idiots. “EXPAND.”
Ok, now we’re talking. This is the kind of thing I needed to know. I decided to press on ahead while my luck was holding.
“What are dungeon points?”.
Before answering she took off her remaining boot and chucked it at a gunk-slinger that was waddling too close for her liking. It sent the beetle tumbling like it had been flicked by an oger.
“There the backbone of the fukn’ economy is what they are. Ya get em for doing shite the Dungeon likes. Ya trade ’em back to the dungeon for perks, level ups, all that kind of great fukn’ hoopla.”
Yes! I loved Dungeon Points already. Visions of the kinds of perks I wanted were already dancing in my head.
“Where do I trade them?”
Vivan carelessly waved at the spawn tree.
“Just have to pull up the tradn’ hub where ya set your spawn point, ya stupid arse.”
Fuck. Of course.
“I can’t set spawn points?”
The pixie gave me a wicked sharp toothed grin. She had fangs.
“Well that's a kick in the fukn’ dick for ya then ain’t it. hit up a settlement, find any idiot with a merchant perk, and trade em ya points for shite. There better’n gold here.”
Not a total write off then.
“There are settlements?”
“Fukn’ tons of em. Ya think this whole place is just a fukn’ battle feild for ya old fukn’ adventurer mates? Ya think I’d live in that kinda fukn’ backwater. I’m a city gal. Fukn’ Civilized.”
That made sense. Also made me hugely curious to find out more as soon as possible.
Maybe Vivian could lead me to one? Let’s see five words…
“gotta way outta this bog?”
“Oh, that’s a Fukn’ Easy one.” She answered with Vindictive glee.
Before I even had a chance to regret asking, she drove in an arc toward the ground, scooped up a rock twice my size, completed the loop Directly above me then dropped it straight on my damn head. All one smooth seamless motion. It was a truly Remarkable display of strength, speed, and Agility. I’d have marvelled at the Maneuver If it hadn’t just killed me.