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Last Man
Chapter 12: Jokes

Chapter 12: Jokes

Nikodemus whistled as he continued on his way down the hallway and, following that, down the stairwell to the ground floor.

“Where’s Ellia?” Nikodemus asked his guards as he waved at women who were all heading in the same general direction—down the hallway and toward a room with an archway.

“In the War Room.” The woman replied. "It's through that archway."

Nikodemus stopped in his tracks, stroking his chin thoughtfully. Ellia was a nice woman, and he wanted her tribe to stay alive for as long as possible so she could keep on being nice to him. Nikodemus had come up with many winning plans of defense and assault for the previous tribes he belonged to, and because of this, they treated him as a human instead of a bull. He wanted to recreate that with Ellia. “Is it okay if I pop in there from time-to-time?”

His guards glanced at one another, and then back at Nikodemus. “We would have to ask Ellia.”

Nikodemus nodded. “That would be great.”

Nikodemus followed the two women as they led the way down a staircase which led to the basement level of the complex. The staircase opened up to a hallway with several doors lined up within it. Behind the doors, Nikodemus could hear showers shhhing. He opened one, and saw dozens of women showering in rectangular, glass shower stalls. Nikodemus had always been a shy sort around women—even though he had trained himself to be dashing when the moment presented itself--and found himself blushing and averting his gaze with red cheeks when he entered the checkered, black-and-white-tile room.

Because his eyes were glued to the floor, he missed the stares the women were giving him.

He asked his guards, “Can one of you get me some fresh clothing? I completely forgot to ask you for some.”

One of the guards nodded and left the room.

Nikodemus grabbed the handle on an empty shower stall and swung it inward, stepping inside. He sighed happily. The Tribe of Sirens did not have showers until he helped them install them. The mutant they captured was smart, but knew nothing of how to construct a working plumbing system. Because of this, Nikodemus had gone five whole days without a proper shower when he arrived at the tribe.

As he showered, he felt a pang of regret when he remembered Cynthia’s death. She had been decent to him. Certainly not the kindest tribal leader he had ever known, but she respected him and did not abuse him. She was a hardened shell of a woman—hard to get close to, and for good reason. He couldn’t help but miss her. He just wished he missed her more than he did--he hated the fact that he had gotten so used to his companions dying that it no longer affected him.

After finishing his shower, he hopped, trying to reach the towel hanging from the top of the stall. The woman in the stall next to him giggled and pushed the towel down into his stall for him. He toweled himself off, feeling even more embarrassed. When he stepped out, his guard was waiting for him with fresh clothes. Because he was not expected to do any fighting, he was not given any polymer armor. Instead, he was given a white, oversized shirt and slacks that fit surprisingly well. He supposed the Nymphs must have been confident in their ability to capture him if they had tailored clothes for him ready ahead of time.

After he had dressed, he asked his guards, “What time is it?”

One of the women, who had a wristwatch on, answered, “Eleven in the morning.”

Nikodemus heard his stomach growl, and then he grinned. “No wonder I’m hungry! Do you have anything to eat?”

The women blinked rapidly, apparently confused about how casual and comfortable he was about being captured.

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As if he could read their thoughts, he winked and said, “C’mon ladies, when you’ve been captured as much as I have, there’s no use in worrying about what’s to become of you. I’ve learned to just sit back, relax, and enjoy what each tribe has to offer me. Right now, I’m feeling meat of any kind! You’re not a vegetarian tribe, are you?”

The ladies both shook theirs heads. “We’ll show you to the kitchen.”

The women showed him to the mess hall which was located on the third floor of the building. The mess hall was big enough to seat at least one hundred women and was kept fairly clean. Some food had been dropped on the steel flooring and had not been cleaned up, but otherwise the room looked as sterile and clean as the rest of the igloo.

To his right was the serving counter, and behind it, the kitchen. Nikodemus could see women chopping ingredients and could hear something sizzling on an oven top. The cascading of water at the back of the kitchen also filled his ears.

To his left, six tables were lined up in three rows, pushed up against each other to form three long tables. A few women were sat at the tables, taking an early lunch and talking to each other gaily.

Nikodemus headed to the serving counter, cocking his head to the side and trying to get a good look inside the kitchen hidden behind a steel partition. In the past, he had seen pristine kitchens and filthy kitchens. He hoped this one was a pristine one.

He smiled. It looked pretty clean. One of the women popped out of the kitchen and when she saw who was ordering, she looked stunned. Once she gained her bearings, she stood behind the counter and said, “Nice to meet you, Last Man. What are you hungry for?”

Nikodemus said excitedly, “Meat of any kind! If you have some vegetables, that would be great, too.”

The woman nodded. “Can do. We have restricted portions, so don’t expect a huge plate.”

“Of course! Anything you can offer will do fine.” Nikodemus said.

“We have camel meat, cactus fruit, and lettuce. But… Because lettuce is so rare, Ellia’s permission is—” The woman began.

Nikodemus waved a silencing hand. “No worries. Camel meat and cactus fruit sound great.”

The woman wrote his order down and then returned to the kitchen. Nikodemus leaned on the counter, his stomach growling at him.

He glanced at his two guards. I should make them my friends. It’ll make my life easier in the long run.

“What are your names, ladies?” Nikodemus asked.

“My name is Elizabeth.” The blonde-haired, blue-eyed one on the right answered.

“And my name is Annie.” The black-haired, green-eyed one on the left answered.

Nikodemus genuinely thought they were pretty names, and he told the women as much… With a little exaggeration. “What beautiful names.”

The two women hid their mouths behind their hands, glancing at one another. He imagined they were hiding their smiles and the fact that they were blushing from him. He flipped through his mental social etiquette protocol, trying to think of the best things to say to make the ladies his friends.

The one with black hair seemed gruffer. After seeing a scar on her cheek, he asked her, “Where’s you get that scar?”

The woman proudly answered, “I got it fighting an aqrabuamelu side-by-side with Ellia. I wear it proudly.”

She gave him an opening to expand the conversation, so he did. “It seems like Ellia is pretty well-respected, huh?”

Elizabeth nodded vigorously. “Absolutely. She’s honest and runs this tribe with an efficiency I never knew existed. She keeps us all on a tight schedule. Before I was assigned to be your guard, I was apart of the hunter-gatherer group. I would be out there in the desert from noon to dusk searching for food with the others in the group. There’s also our resource gatherers who search for ore deposits and wood who set out early in the morning and return at noon. And then there’s our stewardesses who prefer to run our fortress.”

“You’ll have to forgive her. She likes to talk a lot.” Annie said, rolling her eyes.

“Ah, so like all women, then.” Nikodemus joked, and then covered his mouth afterwards like he had said a bad word.

Nikodemus was known among his family for being a jokester, and sometimes his jokes slipped out at the worst times.

He prayed that the women had a sense of humor.

They gave him a brief death glare.

In a moment, however, Elizabeth began giggling, and then Annie joined in, and before he knew it, they were full-out guffawing until they were in tears. Elizabeth eventually cried with laughter.

“I haven’t heard a joke like that… Well, I don’t think I ever heard a joke like that!” Elizabeth wiped the tears from her eye.

Elizabeth was the younger of the pair—perhaps in her late teens or early twenties—and had probably never met a man.

Nikodemus had been laughing and smiling along with them, but now, he frowned. You haven’t heard a joke like that because there are no men left to tell them…

Nikodemus chatted the two women up and got to know them fairly well within that space of time. Like Ellia, they were easy to get along with, and he was glad of it. Eventually, he was sure he would have to sleep with the two women, and getting to know them would help him on that end.