"Alright. What is it then, this wish that you so desperately need my help with?" Quaraun asked the young Pixie.
"Well, you see, there's this. . .this. . .uhm. . .well. . . there's a. . .uhm. . .a. . ..in the village. . .she. . .uhm. . ."
"A girl?"
Kelim blushed and stared at the wooden floorboards.
Quaraun shook his head.
"It's always a girl. It's beyond me what you males see in females. Nothing useful about any of them, far as I've ever been able to tell. All they are suitable for is making babies and I can't understand how that's very useful either. Babies just grow up to be adults and there aren't a lot of good ones out there."
"I thought you liked children?"
"I," This statement took Quaraun by surprise. It was not one he had expected to hear. He could not recall anyone ever saying this to him before. Most people had their routine drill of the same topics to spout off at him, upon first meeting him. This was not one of the regular topics. "Whoever told you that?"
"Everyone says The Pink Necromancer likes babies. You hate everything else, but you like babies."
"I," Quaraun paused a moment to consider this. "Yes. I do like babies. This is true. I despise women who murder them. Fucking abortion bitches."
"Yeah, see, that's a thing with you, right? You got this weird moral code system you live by, where you only kill murderers, right?"
"Something like that."
"If you like babies, you can't hate all females, right?"
"You really don't know who I am, do you?"
"What do you mean?"
"By what logic do you expect I should ever be enticed by a female?"
"By the logic that you are male and all males are attracted to females."
"That is ignorant rationale."
"How so?"
"I prefer males."
"You can't like males."
"Why not?"
"How can you like guys?"
"I don't see how it is that difficult to understand."
"But, aren't you a boy?"
"If I say ‘yes', will you go away and stop asking me questions?"
"No, you see, you have to go for females."
"Why?"
"Because all males like females."
"Well ain't you just a narrow-minded idiot. Also, I'm the Sacred Pink JellyFish."
"You're what?"
"I'm pregnant."
"Wait. . . what? How?"
"You figure it out."
"But aren't you a male?"
"I'm a pregnant male, yes, that's logical, isn't it?"
"Are you female?"
"Biologically, yes. But I live as a male, so I am a male."
"Why?"
"I choose to be a male Elf."
"But you're not?"
"When one is pregnant, it becomes difficult to hide one's biological gender anymore, doesn't it?"
"So, you're a female, living as a male who dresses like a female?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"It is what I want to do. Why do I require a reason?"
"Uh. . . I'm confused. What are you?"
"I am a female JellyFish, living as a male Elf, and right now I'm pregnant, which is going to pose problems at some point. So, yes, I love babies. I'm carrying 7 million of them right now."
"Seven. . . million?"
"Yes. Seven million and no, I have no attraction to females. I'm only attracted to males. Obviously, given my current condition. Though I'm trying to figure out who the father is. BoomFuzzy's been dead for years and ZooLock is a Thullid, but I've not seen him in centuries."
"You don't know who the father is?"
"Yes. And given I'm the only known JellyFish Thullid still alive, it is a conundrum as to who could have done it. Someone I know is a JellyFish Thullid. Someone I sleep with is a JellyFish Thullid and is hiding it from me."
"Do you sleep with a lot of men?"
"That's none of your business. But pleco eyes. Oh my! He isn't a Thullid is he? He does have Thullid eyes."
"Who does?"
"A sheep I know."
"A sheep?"
"He could be the father."
"So, you are female?"
"I'm male."
"But you said. . ."
"I said I choose to be a male Elf, because I don't like females."
"Oh."
"You was bitching about some girl you want to fuck and I said it's always a girl. I said it was beyond me what you see in females. I said nothing good about any of them, far as I've ever been able to tell. And I said all they are good for is making babies and I can't see how that's very useful either. Babies just grow up to be adults and there aren't a lot of good ones out there."
"But, if you're actually a female, and nothing good ever comes of females, what does that make you?"
"It makes me not a female anymore."
"But, why?"
"I got tired of being treated like shit. Females are worthless in the eyes of everyone. Females have no rights. Females are allowed no free will. All females are allowed to do is have babies and clean houses. Females are not allowed to weave cloth or sew or embroider. Do you know why?"
"No."
"Because those are man's jobs. Only men are allowed to do them. Well I'm a man now, so I can do them as much as I want."
"Oh."
Kelim stood silent for a moment, trying to wrap his head around Quaraun's multiple gender state of living. Finding himself too confused to fully understand exactly what it was Quaraun was, Kelim decided to try a different approach to talking with The Pink Necromancer.
"Weren't you in love?"
"Pixies," Quaraun muttered to himself, as he made his way across the room to a shelf with more small glass bottles on it. "I hate Faeries. Pixies no better than any other Fae. . ."
"Are you talking to yourself?"
"Of course I'm talking to myself. I'm insane, remember? Everyone says so. No one ever says otherwise. No one is kind and no one cares how I feel. So long as they can bully me, belittle me and put me down. That's all I'm good for in anybody's eyes. I've no one talk to."
"So you talk to yourself?"
"I'd never hear a voice speak if I didn't. And there's no one else with a brain around here for me to talk to, now is there?"
"I'm here."
"That's exactly my point."
"You're mean, aren't you?"
"I'm an Elf."
"You don't have to be mean."
"I'm the Grand High Emperor of The Triple Planets. I can be whatever the Hell I want to be."
"You. . ."
"Have you ever even talked to an Elf before?"
"No. We don't see many Elves around here."
"I've noticed that. Is it any wonder why, with Finderu around here?"
"Finderu?"
"I don't like Finderu, do you?"
"No."
"Good, then we're on the same page. Now what do you want from me?"
"Can you cast a love spell on Ophelia?"
"Cast a . . . You want me to cast a love spell? You know nothing about magic, do you?"
"Wha. . .what do you mean?"
"Magic is great and dandy for what it does, but magic has its limits. Things it can't do."
"So you can't cast a love spell?"
"That's not what I said. I'm a Wizard of the Di'Jinn Order. I can cast any spell. I'm just not sure if you know what you want."
"I want a love spell."
"Do you even know what a love spell does?"
"It makes someone fall in love with you."
Quaraun shook his head.
"Why must I work with idiots and fools? Fools and idiots. Fucking imbeciles."
"I'm not an idiot. . ."
"Well then, you must be a fool."
"I'm a Pixie. . ."
"And I'm an Elf."
"So?"
"So you're the idiot who came to me for help, because you couldn't find anyone else with enough brain to help you."
"I. . . uhm. . ."
"You know I'm right."
"Uhmm. . ."
"Bit of advice, Boy, don't argue with an Elf, especially not one who is also a Di'Jinn. Especially not one as arrogant as me."
"I'm kind of surprised you admit it."
"What that I'm arrogant? I know what I am, Boy, I'm not going to hide it. You're lucky I don't cut off your head and stuff you in a bottle."
"Why would you do that?"
"Because I'm a Di'Jinn, it's what I do."
"Putting heads in bottles?"
"No," Quaraun pulled a severed head out of the pink heart-shaped bag of holding hanging from his belt. Fresh blood was still dripping from the ragged flesh of the severed throat. The eyes blinked and looked around. The mouth was gagged and moving as though trying to scream. "I keep the heads in my pocket. I keep the headless bodies in a bottle. Keeps them from getting back up and walking around. They need their heads to be resurrected, but not their bodies. A talking head can't go nowhere without its body. They are stuck here with me for eternity. Each has their own bottle."
"Who. . . who. . ." Kelim pointed to the head in Quaraun's hand.
"Who is this? This one is Ghirardelli. The Swamp Hag who lived here. Fucking Guild member. Would rather protect Finderu and lose her head than tell me where he is."
"You're holding a head."
"Of course I am. I'm a Necromancer. Did you forget that?"
"You're. . . you're. . ." Kelim stared bug eyed at Ghirardelli's head.
"I'm what?"
"A murderer."
"Yes. Of course I am. What did you expect? Pink ponies and purple unicorns pooping out rainbows? I'm a fucking Necromancer. We kill people for a living, so we can resurrect them as our undead minions. Talking heads are particular favourite of mine. Them and Liches."
"Is that what Necromancers do?"
"No, we plant roses and hand out candy canes to children. How stupid are you?"
"I don't understand."
"Clearly. I'm a Necromancer. Being able to commit murder is kind of in the job description. I didn't used to be. Pity. That what love does to you, you know? Did you know I'm the victim of a love spell? And I'm the fucking mage who cast it. I'm very good at love spells. I cast one on myself and my lover, centuries ago, but he died and now I'm insane, and cut off heads. Still think you want a love spell cast on you?"
Quaraun stared at the head, holding it face to face with himself.
"What's love have to do with. . . with. . . that." Kelim pointed to the head.
"She hated BoomFuzzy."
"What?"
"She helped Finderu found The Guild."
The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
"I don't understand."
"I don't expect you would. You're neither Elf, nor Wizard."
"Did you kill her?"
"I'll kill you as well, if you refuse to cease squabbling with me."
Quaraun placed the head back in his bag.
"Why did you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Kill her."
"Oh, I don't know," the annoyed Elf seethed, sarcastically. "Perchance, perhaps, maybe, it might possibly, involve something to do with the fact of my being ever just so desperately insane. Or maybe it's because I'm a Necromancer. And slaughtering people in as much gore filled carnage and bloodshed as we can muster, is we Necromancers do for a living. Or maybe, just maybe, it might be because that fucking little nosy assed, psychotic bitch, couldn't mind her own damned business and she encouraged Finderu to plot to assassinate BoomFuzzy. Or as it may as well be, it's none of your fucking god damned business. You came hitherto me for assistance with wishes not to interrogate me on my habits."
"You really are insane, aren't you?"
"No. Actually I'm not. And people don't refer to me as insane because I collect heads because most people aren't even aware I do that. They call me insane because of the fashion of my attire. Now do you want your love potion or not?"
Kelim blushed again.
"Shy one, aren't we?"
"I. . ."
"Always bargain during the harvest season. It's the wrong time of year for love spells."
"What?" Kelim felt confused, as though he's missed something.
"Do you even know anything about magic?"
"I know there is Soft Magic and Hard Magic."
Quaraun stopped what he was doing and thought for a moment. "No," he said shaking his head. "There isn't. Magic is magic. It's not soft or hard. You are confusing magic with penises. BoomFuzzy made that mistake too. Penises are not magic wands."
Quaraun had pulled a large wooden chest from his hip bag and was now unpacking it. It too seemed to be a bag of holding, as he was unloading lots of other boxes out of it, way more than what should have fit it it. Or perhaps it was a Mimic, as it bit him a few times, while he was unpacking it.
The ancient wizard was muttering to himself as he unpacked smaller boxes out of the bigger boxes. And than he unpacked lots of tiny potion bottles out of the smaller boxes.
"Passion potion. Appreciation draught. Comeuppance cordial. Reckoning potion. Cupid's sachet. Retribution potion. Hot Footing powder. Jack balls. Friendship potion. Reconciliation elixir. Worry potion. Friendship draught. Retaliation cordial. Black salt. Punishment potion. Compassion sachet. Heartbroken potion. Goffer powder. Gris-gris. Fear potion. Harmony elixir. . ."
"I want a love spell, not those other ones."
"Shut up," Quaraun snapped at the boy. "I'm looking for something. Stop interrupting me."
"Okay."
The Elf went back to talking to himself, reading the labels off bottles and jars and little pepper pots as he unboxed them and laid them out on the floor all around him.
"Anger potion. Gratitude draught. Requital cordial. Arithmetic potion. Cupid's potpourri. Revenge potion. Quarrel powder. Holy Water. Good will potion. Harmony elixir. Misery potion. Intimacy draught. Eye for an eye cordial. Diabolical savor. Torture potion. Sympathy sachet. Empathy potion. Uncrossing powder. Wangas. War Water. YaYa potion. Seven Orisha elixir. . . ah! Here it is! Love potion."
Quaraun held up a tiny red glass bottle.
"You keep everything pre made in bottles?"
"Of course I do."
"Why?"
"A wise person is always prepared for anything."
"But couldn't you just, I don't know, make it in the kitchen? Seems a trouble to have to carry it around with you."
"Look around you, Boy. I don't live here. You know that. I don't live any where. I'm a homeless wandering vagabond."
"This isn't my house you know. It's that Swamp Bitch's house. And she's laying on the floor over there minus her head. She can't exactly tell me where stuff is in her kitchen now, can she?"
"Wasn't her head just talking? You gagged her before you put her head in your bag. You just said, you got sick of listening to her head talking. . ."
Quaraun waved his hand in the boy's face and continued talking, completely ignoring any reference to the Swam Witch's head.
"I don't know what ingredients she has available. Or where anything is. When I'm at home I can make all my potions ahead of time. Well, all the ones that can be made ahead of time."
"You just said you were homeless."
"Yes. I did. And I am. But I have places I go. People who let me stay with them."
"Oh. But I thought you was going to make me a love potion special just for me."
"Are you willing to wait long enough for me to make one special just for you?"
"I can wait. I'm here, aren't I?"
"You really don't know nothing about potion making do you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Answer my question. Yes or no? No or yes? Which is it? Do you know how potions are made?"
"No. Why?"
"How long are you expecting to wait?"
"How long does it take?"
"About 4 months."
"Four months!"
"Maybe more."
"More?"
"Yes. Depends on which recipe I use and what plants are available in this area. Could be a couple of years if I had to travel to some distant land in search of, I don't know, some rare black orchid."
"Years? Multiple years to make one potion?"
"Oh, yes. You weren't expecting me to wave a wand and go POOF! Were you?" Quaraun pulled out his wand as he spoke and waved it around over his head.
"Well, yeah, kind of. You are a wizard, after all."
"You been reading too many Fairy Tales, Boy. Real world magic, isn't like what they tell you in Fantasy novels."
"But magic is real, right?"
"Oh, yes. Magic is most certainly real. I just think, real magic, may not be quite so glamorous as you are imagining it to be."
"So, no magic wands?"
"No."
"But you are holding one."
"What? This?" Quaraun waved his rainbow wand around again. "This is nothing."
"Than why do you have it?"
"In case I need to kill someone."
"Kill some. . . one?"
"Yes."
"With a little wooden stick?"
"Yes."
"How?"
"Well, usually, I just wave it around while I talk, and when they least expect it, I ram it up their nose and through their brain. And POOF! Instant death by magic wand. No magic needed."
"You're kind of violent, aren't you?"
"The world is a violent place, Kelim. Of, course, I can also just do this."
Quaraun spun around, aimed the wand, and a brilliant purple bolt of lightening shot out from the end of the wand and blew up the table on the other side of the room, leaving nothing but a smouldering piles of ashes where moments ago had been a table.
"That. . . that.. how..?"
Quaraun pointed to his 12 foot long hair. "World's longest hair."
"So?"
"It means, I am the world's most powerful wizard. More hair equals more power, Boy."
"But. . . you said. . ."
"That wizards couldn't do that sort of thing? Yes, I did. And most wizards can't. White Magic, Green Magic, tender footed morally ambiguous Grey Magic or any of those other tutti-fruittie legal forms of lovey dovey good and lawful magic arts can't produce these kinds of results. Dark arts, Blood Magic, Demonology, Necromancy, my boy, are far more powerful, and allow for the type of magic, I do. Did you know I can shoot fireballs from my nipples?"
"What?"
"Magic nipple rings. Some for fire. Some for ice. Some for lightening. And not just nipple rings. I have 58 rings in my scrotum. Each one powers a different spell. I can piss fireballs if I wanted to."
"You're evil. Aren't you?""Are you just now realizing that? All the wanted posters around town didn't give it away earlier?"
"I. . . uhm. . ."
"Evil is a matter of perspective. I do not see myself as evil, Kelim. But Finderu and his Guild, THEY most certainly think of me as evil. As does most of the high populating snooty citizens of the world."
"So, you. . ."
Quaraun ignored Kelim and went on talking.
"These things don't make themselves instantly you know." Quaraun held up a potion bottle. "When it comes to love potions, people want them, now, not a week from now or a month from now, not tomorrow or the next day. They want immediate, now. You want this NOW, right?"
"Well, yeah. . ."
"See? I know what my customers want. I know how the consumer thinks. Instant gratification. That's all any one wants. Love or otherwise, they always want instant results. You want instant results, yes?"
"Yes."
"They don't like to be told it takes me a week to reduce the flower essence down into oils. Do you want to wait weeks for me to gather 1,000 pink rose petals and boil them down into a reduced goop?"
"No."
"No! Of course not! And who am I to make you wait? They don't want to hear that it'll take me 6 months to travel to where the flower grows and pick it. You wouldn't want to wait 6 months, would you?"
"No."
"You want Ophelia, now, not 6 months from now. Yes?"
"Yes."
"Exactly! They don't want to wait weeks for the next blue moon for me to prepare it under. By having the potions pre-made, I can give you instant results, that no other wizard can provide. They are too busy, sitting on their lazy asses, in their hovels, waiting for clients to come to them and give them requests. Me? I come to you. You can find me at any tavern near you. And I have everything already made, so you can buy it immediately, and I can go back to my drink. I just make some of everything and have them already and waiting for you, before you even know you needed it. I know who wants what and make it before they get here."
"Did you know I would be coming?"
"Yes. I did. I just did not know when. But I knew, at some point, you would find me. So, I have several love potions already made, some that took me many moons to make."
"Moons?"
"I am a Moon Elf. We do everything by moon phases."
"Do you?"
"Yes. Spells take weeks, months, to prepare. Certain things must be done on certain days. Specific moon phases. It takes months to get all parts made, just for a single potion, because so many moon phases are involved."
"Is it really that important?"
"Yes. And a man with a horny dick can't wait even minutes for a potion to convince the girl to let him fuck her. He wants to rape her now."
"I don't want. . ."
"Yes, you do, why else would come to me instead one of the Guild's goody two shoe members. You didn't come to the world's most wanted, most evil, super villain, because you had good intentions."
"I'm not a rapist."
"Yes. Every rapists says that just before he buys a love potion so that he can rape the girl who no to him yesterday."
"I. . ."
"Got to rape, rape, rape. Now, now, now. Sex is all you care about. Love and sex are not the same. I hate people like you. That's why my love spells always come back to bite your ass. But what do you care? You have a girl to fuck? Who cares about her feelings? You're the man, after all, got to show her whose the boss. Jackasses like you can't wait, because jackasses like you aren't in love. Jackasses like you just don't like it when a girl says no to you."
Quaraun stopped talking and glared at Kelim.
"I. . . uhm. . . I. . . it's not like that!"
"No?"
"No!"
"Really?"
"Really!"
"Well than, maybe you can wait for a custom love spell. One that ACTUALLY involves love."
"But you said four months."
"Or more."
"I can't wait that long."
"So, rape potion it is. . ."
"Stop twisting my word!"
"I'm not twisting anything. Only a rapists says he can''t wait. Only a rapist thinks love is an alternate word for sex."
"I'm not a rapist!"
"You put a love spell on that girl ad you WILL be,, so I might as well start calling you one now, right?"
"I want a love spell not a rape spell, what is wrong with you?"
"I've been raped too many times by jackasses like you who think raping anything that wears a dress is a fun pastime."
"I. . . wait. . . Really?"
"Yes.. It only takes once to give you a deep hatred of rapists. A few dozen times and you just start killing them all. No rapist deserves to live. They should all die. And as I'm on a mission to kill them all, sooner or later they will all be dead. Isn't that wonderful news?""
"You have anger issues."
"I have issues with jackassery Humans who think raping male Elves is funny. I don't like being raped. I hate being raped. I don't ever want to be raped again. No one rapes me and gets away with it. You know what I do to rapists now?"
"Uhm. . . do I want to know?"
"I jab my wand in their eye sockets, scramble their eyes and their brains to jelly. Serve it on toast. Absolutely marvellous. More death by magic wand, without any magic at all. It's so satisfying. I hate rapists."
"You seem to like scrambling brains with your wand."
"Oh yes. I've become addicted to it. Brains are such a delicacy."
"Are all wizards like you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Uhm. . . you're. . . you're kind of crazy. And mean. And, you. . . well. . . you don't seem to care about anyone. Like, killing is just easy for you. And you eat brains!"
"Ah. Yes. A side effect of spending a hundred years locked in a tower with no one but me, myself, and I to talk to. I find I'm much more suited to conversations with myself now, than I am conversations with Humans. And Humans are rather delicious. I would much rather eat a Human than talk to a Human."
"Uhm. . . Can we stop talking about your problems and get back to my problems?"
"Your desire to rape Ophelia?"
"Yes. Wait. No! Stop that! That's not. . ."
"Men looking for love potions are just horny dicks chasing their horny dicks into the nearest cunt. So they certainly won't wait months for me to make their love potion. Because love is not what they want. Oh no. Heaven forbid they ever actually love something other than their own dick." Quaraun spun around, waving both arms magnanimously over all the giant boxes he'd pulled out of smaller boxes after pulling them out of his tiny coin purse. "Thus, lots of boxes of lots of bottles of lots of potions that I made months ago. I've a potion for everything."
"Everything?"
"Everything. All with appropriate consequences. You never get nothing for nothing."
"What are the conse. . ."
Quaraun waved his hand in Kelim's face, ignoring the question, brushing it aside with a physical wave of his hand.
"The advantage of being a travelling wizard for hire, and why my services are more in demand. More than any other wizard. Even though I'm a wanted criminal with a price on my head. No one turns me in, because they always need something from me, and they know they can ONLY get it from me. In fact, I sometimes think these wanted posters are good for business. Before the bastards started spreading rumours and lies all over York County about me, I had hardly any customers. Look at me now. I have millions of customers now. Idiots just like you. Get told, there's a big bad evil over there, don't go near it and what do they do? Scamper right to it as fast as they can."
"But there aren't any other wizards. . ."
"Who can do what I do?"
"Well, yeah? I mean, everyone says the stuff you do is impossible."
"Yes. The stuff I do, IS impossible. For Humans. Do you know why?"
"No."
"Because, I am immortal."
"You mean you can't die?"
"Oh no. I CAN die. I have died. It's not pleasant. I don't recommend it. No. It's not that I can't die. It's that I'm soul bound to a Lich, so, I can't stay dead. On top of that I'm an Immortal JellyFish. So I just revert back to my younger self and than I relive my live over again."
"So, you've been through all this before, you mean?"
"Oh no. No. I've never met you before. No. I relive my life over and over and over and over again. But each time, I can make new choices. Do new things. Avoid remaking past mistakes. . ."
"Doesn't that change history?"
"Stop interrupting me, Boy. I'm pontificating. I don't like being interrupted when I'm pontificating."
"But. . ."
Quaraun glared at Kelim and Kelim clamped his mouth shut.
"AND, I continually learn. So I can study magic forever. Travel the world. Read every book. Visit every library. Meet every mage. Learn from every wizard. I retain my memories from my past lives, well, most memories any ways. So, I have the most vast and expansive knowledge of all the world's magic arts. From every culture. Every religion. Every race. Did you know that?"
"No."
"No. Of course not. Why would you?"
"You know magic. So what?"
"What do you mean, so what?"
"Well, you're a wizard, isn't knowing magic what you do?"
"Do you even know what a wizard is?"
"Yeah, it's someone who practices magic."
"No."
"No?"
"No."
"What do you mean, no?"
"I mean, you have a serious lack of knowing the meanings of simple, basic, every day words. And you want me to grant you a wish? Your lack of knowing the correct and proper meanings of words well one day come back to bite you on the ass."
"Okay. So, tell me what a wizard is."
"A MAGE, is a person who uses magic. A wizard is a scholar, not unlike a professor, except a wizard is self taught and has devoted decades to their topic."
"So?"
"So, if the wizard's topic was magic, than he can do magic. But his topic may well have been breeding chickens, which has nothing to do with magic."
"So, a wizard is just somebody with a lot of book learning?"
"Yes."
"You sure?"
"Yes."
"Huh. I never knew that."
Probably because idiots like Finderu make things like The Guild of Wizardry, to cause such confusion."
"So, you studied lots of magic and your studying makes you a wizard, but studying magic made you a mage?"
"Yes. That is correct."
"So, what exactly did you study?"
"I studied and mastered: Abjuration, Aerokinesis, Scottish Hoodoo, Bibliomancy, Rhapsodomancy, which a particular favourite of mine. You know I should call myself a Rhapsodomancer not a Necromancer, I do it so much more often. Ornithomancy, Birth Sign Magic, Pegomancy, Lucky Stars, Dactylomancy. New Orleans Voodoo, Chartomancy, Candle magic, Myomancy, Ancestral Magic, Salem Witchcraft, Crowley Wicca, Gardenia Wicca, Oenomancy. I do that with Absinthe."
Quaraun picked up a bottle of Fairy Wine.
"I seem to be all out. Need to get more of that."
Kelim looked around at the several emerald green bottles scattered around the room.
"Looks like you drink too much of that stuff, to me."