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Ira and Devona. Existara Series
14. The Fear and the Rant

14. The Fear and the Rant

    “Ira! A word. Please.” Laira catches me on my way out the Palace.

“Sure. Something on your mind?”

“I want you to train me.” She tells flat out. I blink a few times to let it sink in.

“Aren’t you studying with Devona?”

“I want to train. Like the rest of them.” She speaks firm. I look her over, head to toe.

“Why me? You can ask anyone from the Palace to train you."

“Cause.” Laira holds her glare, but not her words. I sigh.

“Don’t expect me to go easy on you. We'll start tomorrow after your lessons with the Priestess. Is that acceptable?”

“Yes! Thank you.” She bows quickly.

“Ok then.” I nod and walk away. Well now. That was unexpected.

“Yo. Got a minute?”

“Oh? Two for two. To what do I owe the honor?”

“Shut up.” I can feel Crile rolling his eyes at me. I smile. “Just letting ya know everything’s cool on our end.”

“How is she doing?”

“Kicking ass. Too bad nobody is willing to challenge her. It's difficult to hide a Cornutese for a best friend...”

“That's why you’re there.”

“Yeah yeah. I know. Her personal punching bag. Anything new happen? Or whatever.”

“Actually, Laira just asked me to train her.” Silence. “Crile?”

“Tell me you said no.”

“I said yes. Least this way I'll be able to keep an eye on her around weapons.”

“And when you’re not there?”

“I'm not an idiot. Between me and Devona watching her, while you three are gone – I’m confident we can manage. Unlike you three - she actually stays put. Besides, everyone here knows her condition. We're handling her so far.”

“In other words - you do regular sweeps of her room and things...”

“Exactly. Like I said - we're handling her.”

A long pause. “If you say so.”

“You don’t seem too convinced there?”

“I’m allowed to worry!”

I smile. “Sure sure.”

“Gotta go. Later.”

“Later.” I knock on the Stable door and step inside. “Hey. How are you holding up?” Emerald lifts her head to me.

“Bored without her yet?” I tease her. She lets out a quiet growl at me.

“You sure you don't want to go for a walk or something?” A louder growl with teeth.

“Ok then. Have it your way.” I nod to the giant cat and leave.

    “Priestess! The Heir! She!” A soldier pants in the middle of the hall.

“What. Speak!”

“She ran off.”

“And? This isn’t the first time she's done this.”

“This is the reason why.” He walks over to me and hands me a piece of paper. I read it: There have been sightings of a band of Balli Bandits...

“They can’t possibly be the same ones?”

“We don't know. We were going to investigate when someone spotted the Saber dashing off into the direction of...” I don’t stick around to hear the end of that sentence. I march straight to Zarri's room. I find Amana there, biting her nails off. She freezes up instantly.

“Where is she?” No answer. “Amana. I asked you a question. Do not make me repeat myself.” She clenches her lips and fists.

“So be it. I may not be your parent, but I shall deal with you later.” I leave the girl behind. Ira pops up from around the corner next.

“I just heard. You can’t be sure she rushed over there. She's impulsive, she might have simply–“

“SIMPLY WHAT! Gone for a ride?” I glare at the man. “I'm not about to take any chances here. CRILE!!” I thunder down. “SHOW YOURSELF!! I know you’re there.”

“Priestess.” The kid slithers out of the pool of darkness.

“Gather up whoever is willing to be punished later and get me my daughter back alive. If the intel is right - eliminate them. Do not leave a trace behind.” Crile holds my stare well.

“And if not?”

“Then the ones who chose to go will have wasted a few hours of their lives and nothing more. Either way. I want her back here NOW!”

“Understood.” He nods.

“Crile.” I stop him the last second. “Be prepared to face the consequences once you return.” Another nod and the kid vanishes.

“So, this is what you chose? To get involved without getting involved?”

“This;” I show him the damned note; “is not nearly enough for anything. On the off chance these are the remnants of the same scum I'd rather be a hypocrite than a vengeful spirit. We can’t use our past as an excuse to slaughter every petty thief that steals a single apple.”

“So you do want revenge, just gonna pretend like you don’t?”

“Yes. I displayed my ruthlessness plenty of times already. To the outside and for our people. If we want to keep the Treaty and His legacy alive - I can’t go off on a killing spree each time something doesn’t feel right.”

“So you'll give our people the satisfaction of revenge, but still punish them for it?”

“Yes.” I stop and stare and Ira.

“Why send the kiddo? Why not me?” He waits a moment. “Ah. Right. This way you can write it off as a childish mistake, cause if I had gotten involved and we turn out to be wrong, about this;” he holds the note up with his index and middle fingers; “it would have sent a wrong message to the Balli, making it look like we're discriminating against them. Or perhaps even hold a “grudge” of sorts, which would have given the Cornutese the perfect excuse to chop the Treaty in half, since they are too full of themselves to admit how much good it does to their land. Being the brats that they are - they will jump at the first signs of trouble to start trouble for no reason, so to prevent that - Crile and the silent order was your answer.” He looks at me for another moment.

“That ruthlessness you’ve mentioned – that was all using outside trouble, never our own people, except for that one time… Riiiiight, now I see it – you want this to be a message about her too. You want the world to know that the next ruler is not afraid to act, however, if the situation is not in our favor she’ll just look like a loose cannon, hence why you told the kid to be prepared for punishment. The world needs to know that she’s growing up to be a formidable opponent in case of trouble, yet you also need to show them that you are in charge still, and what better way to do that than by punishing your own daughter...”

“Yes. One other reason too.”

“Oh?”

“This will prove it to me that he does truly love her.” I hold my gaze on Ira's face. He smiles and chuckles silently.

“For what's it worth, I hope this;” he shows me the note again; “is right.”

“Why?”

“Cause she needs this. She needs this more than you or I.” He whispers and walks away from me.

“Where are you going now?” I call out.

“To pretend to be outraged at the level of insubordination.”

“Good idea.” I mutter to myself. I lock myself inside my room. I stay up all night waiting for the news. I pray to Wykren to keep her safe... She's so much like him... She cares too much... I fall asleep at the first signs of dawn... A knock wakes me up. It's well passed noon...

“Priestess? They've returned...” A muffled voice announces.

“Gather the idiots by the statue. I'll be there in a minute.” I answer and change. I stare at my reflection in the mirror... I’m about to do something I'll regret and my soul aches for it already. The stone-cold mask creeps onto my face. I straighten out and leave the room. I get out on the balcony above the front entrance. To my surprise, about half of our army is gathered down there with Zarri and Crile in front of them. Amana and her parents are here too... Emerald lays behind Zarri. My daughter stands there, covered in blood... Oh my sweet child... Forgive me for what I am about to do... I take in a lungful of air and...

“MORONS! ALL OF YOU!! Have you no shame! No sense of respect or responsibility! Your actions of last night can be trialed for treason! What do you have to say for yourselves!?”

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“Priestess.” Zarri steps forward and kneels. “I understand your disappointment, but in my defense, in all of our defense - it was the right call to make.”

“Based on?”

“I was recognized.” Zarri stands up and looks right at me. “The image of my Father was recognized. That was all I needed to confirm the suspicions. If that is not enough then take her word for it.” Emerald stands up, walks over to Zarri and sits down next to her.

“She is the only living witness. She was able to identify the survivors too. I trust her judgment. I have no regrets.” I watch my daughter take a stand like that and can’t help, but feel proud. And yet... I sigh.

“Even more so why you are a bunch of idiots! Do you honestly think that your late King would want to have his people putting themselves in danger for his sake! Is that how little you think of him! Is this the only way you know how to show your respect for him? Blood and death!?” I pause.

“Your King did everything he possibly could to secure a peaceful life for our future and killing was not the right way to do it!!” Some of the fighters lower their heads. It's difficult for me to be angry when I feel so relieved... I carry on with my rant.

“I hope you are satisfied with yourselves, because your idiocy has caused you 30 days in the dungeon!!”

“Priestess!” Crile steps forward. “I was the one to take the fighters! I lied about the order given by Shadowkill! Punish me, not them!” He throws his hand behind him.

“Even better!” I clap my hands once, right next to my face. “This means that their idiocy is validated! Because none of you questioned the validity of the orders given to you by a mere brat!!” I smash my hands down on the marble railings.

“Then punish me alone! None of this would have happened if–“

“EXACTLY WHY THIS MAKES IT EVEN WORSE!!!” I shriek the words out. “You acted on pure impulse! Zero thinking! No rationale whatsoever!!” I keep my eyes locked with my daughter in a painful staring contest. She counters it well. I keep going.

“YOU GAMBLED AND YOU WON!!! THAT IS THE ONLY REASON YOU ARE UNDER THE FALLS IMPRESSION THAT YOU WERE RIGHT TO ACT THE WAY YOU DID!!!” I scream loud enough for everyone to hear...

“THAT is the only reason WHY you think the situation is validated. That is why you think that ALL OF YOUR ACTIONS ARE JUSTIFIED!!!” I smash my hands down again.

“As someone of your status and title you should have enough brain cells to comprehend that your actions could have meant the destruction of this nation. You should have been able to realize the kind of international incident your decision would lead to IF YOU WERE WRONG. You should have dealt with the situation at hand through proper channels, YET YOU DID NONE OF THAT!!!” I clench the cold marble.

“So. What part of the word idiocy, escapes your understanding?” I throw one last glare. Zarri does not even so much as blink. I straighten out and try to get my emotions down again.

“You are not even aware of the influence you have on your environment.” I speak to my daughter. “Perhaps now you will.” I raise my head and my voice again.

“To the ones who participated in this atrocity - as said before – 30 days in the dungeon. Don’t worry. All of you shall be accommodated.” I pause. No backlash. Yet. I continue.

“To the Shadowkill imposter – 10 days in the Underground Maze - the deepest level.” The kid nods and Zarri tightens her fists.

“To Gazarria Stardust - a 100 days with the newest recruits. Double the work, half the rations.” And my heart sinks to my heels...

“As you wish, my Queen.” She bows to me.

“Punish me too then!” Amana jumps up front. Her parents fail to stop her... I sigh.

“As much as I'd like to ignore the fact that you are not of Noxian descent - I cannot. However.” I take a quick glance at Ella and Sharden. “Being associated with the Heir does make you an accessory, especially since you willingly chose to withhold information from me when confronted directly. That alone could be enough to trial you for treason. If you were a Noxian.” I add quickly. “30 days of home arrest should suffice. Guards will be stationed around the perimeter to make sure you stay put.” I notice the nodding parents.

“Understood.” Amana nods to me as well.

“Now then. Last one.” I look behind Zarri. “To Emerald Stardust – 100 days in solitary confinement.” I pause a moment. “Any objections?” No answer. “Dismissed.”

    I hide in the shadows near the entrance to the balcony. Devona has gone on a rant fitting a mother and a queen... She finishes with her punishments and walks away from the crowd.

“Double the work and half the rations? Really?”

“Do you hate me now?” She doesn’t turn around. She barely graces me with a corner of her eye. I walk up to her and take a good look at her. Yeah. There it is. The pain is back... I sigh.

“Nobody hates you more right now than you hate yourself. That's punishment enough for you.”

“Oh, don't worry. I'm just getting started...” She grins like a lunatic at me and walks away. I grab her hand.

“Do not try something stupid again. She's not ready to take over. You will stay alive until she is good and ready to stand at the top. Is that clear, woman?”

“What must I do around here for you to let me die already?”

Now I grin like a lunatic. “Unless you are willing to kill her with your own hands – you’re staying alive. Like I said – that’s punishment enough for you.” I let her go and leave through the shadows. Gotta make sure the kid's ok with this... I find him packing his bag in his room.

“You could have protested.” I tell him.

“To have the Priestess deny it all and risk looking like a total moron?” He keeps shoving things inside the bag.

“Because this is “so much” better?” No answer. “Crile.”

“What?” He turns around. His eyes... Least he's determined...

“Reach for me if you need help down there. Punishment is one thing. No need to die for it.”

“Really? Cause it sure seems like that's the plan.” He continues with his packing.

“If Devona wanted you dead - you’d be that right now. She chose a punishment well suited for your abilities. All four of you." The kid looks at me again. "The Maze is a good way for you to increase your senses, since the idea of it is to mimic the Shadow Realm. Amana gets 30 days sitting at home to focus on her studies again, probably to push her to work harder for Zarri's sake...”

“And her? How is sending Breeze through the wringer is doing her any favors?”

“Stamina. The stronger her body - the stronger her magic. She needs it to be able to sustain her shifts. A weak body makes for poor shifts. If she can find a way to overcome it - it might save her life one day.” Crile turns his whole body to me.

“Damn hope you’re right." He throws his bag on his shoulder. “See ya in ten days.”

“Stay strong.” I pat his shoulder. “Survive.” We exchange glances and Crile leaves the hut. Things would be so much different if he were here...

    “What am supposed to do with her?” I whisper on day 50 of Zarri’s punishment…

“You really want me to answer that?” Ira answers behind me. I glance at him over my shoulder. “You won’t like it.” He tells me.

“I’m not enjoying this either...”

“Set her free.” I hear the words. I turn around and stare. Ira shrugs his shoulders. “Told you, you won’t like it.”

“That's not it.” I keep staring. “I fail to understand how she isn’t free? She's been doing all she wishes half her life.”

“Is that how you see it?”

“I take it you have a different perspective?” I mock the man now.

“She will never be free as long as she's "the Heir." Ira walks over closer to me and locks his gaze over my shoulder. “She's a lost soul trying to find herself. She struggles to be herself because she doesn't know which herself she is allowed to be.” I see a hint of sadness in Ira's eyes. I turn around again and watch my daughter undergo the grueling training while being starved... All under my orders...

“She's not the only one who's struggling to be herself...” The skin on my face feels wet. Tears.

“That's why you have to let her go. Neither one of you will be happy this way, ever. She finds her responsibilities boring right now. Which only means she's not ready for this. You are struggling between being a Mother and a Queen. Especially now that she's already twenty years old. Though, by our standards that's a child still... You can't go easy on her because that would give the people the idea that our Royalty can get away with anything, which could cause backlash.” Ira takes a moment. I don’t argue. He continues.

“Of course, punishing her like that, just to prove a point is hurting you more than her, because it's the last thing you wish to do to her.”

“How perceptive of you.” I mumble, biting my lower lip.

“That's exactly why you need to set her free. For her sake and yours. Neither one of you will be happy if you'll force the two of you to keep being something you’re not.”

“I don’t want to lose her... She's all I have...”

“And yet you will lose her if you keep this up...” I feel a light touch on my shoulder. “It's time.” I nod silently and quickly wipe my eyes away. I hear the light footsteps behind me.

“Ira.”

“Yes?”

I turn around again. “Why haven’t you told me you love me ever since then again?”

He doesn’t turn around. “You overestimate my frail heart. Once was more than I could handle saying it out loud.” He moves a step forward and stops.

"Besides. You haven’t stopped loving him, have you?” He looks over at me, with the corner of his eye. I smile at him and he walks away. Leaving the idiot me with my aching heart. I take one last look at my girl.

“Must I see her go too, my dear?” I ask nobody...

    I mull over my decision a few more times before knocking on the door. The chatter inside dies down. It's been five days since she returned and all five of them haven't left the room since... Amana cracks the door open.

“Guys. We need to go now.” She tells Crile and Laira, as she looks at me, stepping aside. The others get up to leave. I hold my hand out.

“It's fine. This won't take long.” I smile briefly. “I'm sorry I didn't come to greet you earlier. I figured you must hate me for what I did.” I sit down on the pillow pile, in front of my daughter. I see the confusion in her eyes. She tries to speak, but I cut her off.

“I have no idea what to do with you. And before you say anything, I need you to know that I do not take pride in any of the events...”

“It was only fair.” She tells me. “You did what had to be done. I don’t hate you, Mom.” She puts her hands on mine. I barely manage a sad smile. This is tougher than I thought... I’m so afraid…

“Gazarria, I understand only one thing. I am not fit to be your friend, nor am I happy to “rule” you. I need to accept the simple fact that I am, and always will be only a single thing to you - your mother.” I gently place my palms on my girl. “And as such, as much as it pains me to say this, I have decided to set you free, my Treasure.” I hold my daughter's face in my hands.

“You can leave here if you wish it so. I realize that I cannot, nor should I try and contain you any longer. Neither one of us will be happy from that. So.” I take a breath and... “Be free and be well. Astri will always be your home.” I kiss her on the forehead with tears running down my face. “And I will always love you, my Child, whatever you do, wherever you go...” I whisper to her, as I lightly nuzzle her for the last time...

“I'm not kicking you out, if that's what you’re thinking right now.” I crack a smile and get up with the last of my strength. “I'll wait for your decision. Take your time.” I take a good look at Emerald, Amana and Crile.

“I leave her in your capable hands.” I bow to them three and hold it for a moment. Next, I take a look at Laira. Her emotions are in full swing on her face and body. She clenches her robe harder and shakes her little head to me. I pat her head and leave the room. Ira's shadow speaks to me as soon as I close the door behind me.

“That took guts to say it out loud without getting hysterical.”

“That's why I made it short and simple.” I keep walking.

“Or you simply ran before she could answer you, since you purposely chose to ambush her.” He says. I stop and turn around.

“What do you want with me right now?”

“I want to make sure you won’t go back on your word once she tells you tomorrow morning she's leaving.”

“I won’t. Is that all?”

“No.”

“For the love of... What! I set her free just like you said I should! What else do you want from me!!” I bite my lip again.

“I want you to not break down again after she leaves just like you have already multiple times before! That self-loathing habit of yours is getting on my nerves!!” Ira glares at me. I can’t even tell what kind of a glare that is anymore...

“If you’re tired - feel free to take a vacation. It worked well for you the last time.” I walk away from him. I feel something grab my arm and twist it.

“Do. Not. Mock. Me. Woman.” He growls the words out and lets go. “Do as you wish, Priestess.” He bows and disappears. Three days later Zarri and the rest leave Astri. Leaving Laira and I weeping quietly in each other’s arms. I seal off the Palace and the surrounding area for about half the city... As far as the outside world is concerned - Noxanda has a single “Priestess” and nothing more...