August 23rd, 2012

Things like to get fucked up.

I like to get fucked up.

I’m fucked up.

“I’m a blue flower. A morning glory.”

He laughed. “Are you afraid?”

My hands were wrapped around my knees with my legs resting on the car seat. I could feel Acid’s eyes watching me from behind. They held presence. However, it was Lyle that was the most intimidating. Not because he was mean or threatening, he was just too nice.

“Yes,” I replied.

“Why did you start to begin with?”

I shrugged. “I met new friends. They were cooler than the ones I had. And peer pressure. Andrew has a way of getting to you. I’m pregnant with his child.”

This I wasn’t sure of, but I had a gut feeling about it.

“I thought you were with that guy Cody you were with. I never liked Andrew, why him?”

“He’s fun,” My voice was harsh and unapologetic. “It was the night where Cody decided to leave me with you and Andrew because he was pissed about what we were doing. He never did like it. Andrew drove me home that night…”

“He’s too clever for his own good. Y’know he asked me to track down his friend’s killer? Idiot doesn’t even know I killed the kid.”

“Why?”

He laughed. “Like you said, it’s fun.” Lyle looked over the house we were parked beside. “Want to do the honors?”

Acid objected. “Sir, that’s my job.”

“No. Let Elizabeth do this one. I have confidence in her,” Lyle pulled out a gun and handed it to me. It was heavier than I expected and scarier. “You up for it?”

I stared at it for a few seconds. This was power. This is what came next for me. Lyle wanted me to go up to this house and shoot to the person who answered because they were late on several payments. He was testing me.

I didn’t want to. Would a sane person want to? Everyone would have refused and left. But I didn’t care. I stopped caring a long time again. I proved that to myself when I stepped out of the car.

I walked slowly, keeping the gun behind my back. Lyle gave me clear instructions. They were very simple, all I had to do was to pull the trigger and watch what would happen. I knocked, but there was no answer. I knocked again.

I didn’t even catch a glimpse longer than two seconds because before I knew it, I was walking back to the car. I could feel the blood dripping down my face from the splash. As I enter Lyle’s car, the image replays in my head.

He answered and I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t even think about it. The bullet when right through his nose, and the guy collapsed. I didn’t even react to it.

I tried to give Lyle back the gun but he pushed my hand away as soon as he started to drive away. “You keep it. It’s a signal of our partnership.” He said. He was playing me, I knew that. I still let him.

“Why do you do this?” I asked him.

“Why?”

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“Yes.”

“Boredom, Elizabeth. I’m bored. I liked the power over people.”

I felt myself scoff involuntary. “That’s bullshit.”

Lyle laughed. “Believe what you want, boredom can lead to many things. I’m sure you have experience with that.”

Experience with that. He said.

The body fell to the side of me.

The body fell to the side of me.

“Hi, can I-”

I step inside one of those big churches like in the city. There’s only one in Darkwood. Every other church is a small chapel for other races. The church wasn’t massive, but it stood out on its own in the streets.

The church is empty, understandable because the sun was down. It had been raining and I could hear the acoustic of the rain from the roof. It was calming, and quiet. This sort of quiet was haunting. The church was supposed to be closed.

I came here because I thought I could find Rhea here. After all, she was my guardian angel. Spoiler alert, she wasn’t there. I sat down as close as I could from the front and stared at the cross for what seemed hours. Jesus Christ was staring down at me, looking down his right, right where I was sitting. His eyes were never changing.

This is what people do right? Come here and pray? This is what they do when they feel lost, even if they’re not religious. This is why I was there. It either helps or it doesn’t but I think everyone does this at one point in their lives.

I kept playing that same video memory over and over again. It wouldn’t leave. I still didn’t feel anything, but it wouldn’t leave.

So I prayed.

I prayed to some god, any god. I prayed that everything would just go back to normal. This shit was fucking scary. Everything is fucking becoming scary. Cody is mad at me. I’m pregnant. It’s Andrews. I can’t stop thinking about the next line, the next high. I can’t stop thinking about that split open head on the road pavement. I can’t stop thinking about that body hitting the floor next to me.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I’m scared. That’s the only thing. I was scared. That gun was still under the seat of my car. I couldn’t stop....

“Elizabeth?” Jana’s warm voice accompanied her gentle touch on my shoulder. “What are you doing here?”

“Jana…”

“I never thought I would see you here,” Jane was smiling like the great friend she was. She was truly the best of friends and I let her down. “I didn’t know you were religious.”

“I’m not,” I said, holding back from my voice from cracking. I could feel myself on the verge of tears. “I’m just here to uh. I’m here to uh...I don’t know why I’m here.”

“Do you want to talk about it? My parents left me here to lock up so there’s no rush.”

“This is your parent’s church?”

“Yeah, you didn’t know that?”

I shook my head, almost laughing. All this time I’ve spent time with her and I never asked what her parents did for a living. Hell, I didn’t even know she was religious with her throwing a party and all. “No, not all.”

Jana laughed. “Well, now you know. Want to tell me what’s wrong?”

“It’s just,” I thought about telling her everything. I was about too. I wondered if Jana would still be my friend if I did. That’s what held me back. “I’ve been so overwhelmed lately I didn’t know where else to go.”

“Overwhelm with what? ” she sat next to me.

“I think Cody and I broke up. I cheated on him. With Andrew. He didn’t care. He doesn’t care about me so I yelled at him and started this huge fight,” I lied. “And I’m sure you heard about Karen. I hate that I did that. I don’t want to be a bad person anymore. I’m just...so angry at myself.”

“Eli…” Jana paused. “It’s okay.”

It’s okay. The best phase in the human language. It’s okay.

“You’re not gonna go all Jesus on me, are you?”

Jana decided to hold my hand. It helped. “No. I get it. But it will all pass over, I promise. Pain doesn’t always last forever. Look, I’m not really good at these because it’s always awkward, but I love you, Eli. I’ll always be by your side, no matter what.”

“Thanks, Jana Kramer.”

She giggled, “Can you stop calling me that? It’s getting a bit old now. I don’t think I ever heard you say my real name.”

I joined her in her laugh. “Okay, okay. And I’ve said it once, remember?”

Her smile was infectious. “I think I blacked out, so no, Lol.”

“Don’t L O L in real life, that’s so lame.”

And we just sat there laughing because we talking about the dumbest things now. We kept laughing until the rain stopped and Jana’s parents called to see where she was. I walked her to her house which was just a block away. We talked more. Stuff about what was going on with her and Connor; stuff that didn’t really matter. Stuff that hoped made me seem like a good friend because I knew I hadn’t been lately. We reached her house and I told her, “I love you, thanks for being such a great girl,” before letting her go inside and I never saw her again.

And nobody saw me again until August 29th, 2012. The day of my suicide.

Nobody except for Cody.