August 29th, 2012
This was the day.
I woke up before the sun even rose. The sun couldn’t even rise. There were dark and heavy clouds covering the entire thing. Still, light managed to get through but not enough to remove the wet in the pavement.
I got ready for the first day of school. And by ready I mean putting on a regular outfit, not one to impress. My makeup was barely done and yet I still manage to come out stunning. No doubt today was going to be like any other. Except it wasn’t because I packed the gun into my purse.
I decided to walk to school that day. On my way, I thought about everything I could have done. The first was nothing. I could have done nothing and left it alone. The second was shooting up the school. There were exactly 14 bullets in the clip. It was obvious that I couldn’t get away with just spraying everyone. I had to be close and personal.
I thought about it countless of times, of how I would do it. The easiest and most efficient was just in class. I could have killed anyone I wanted to for free and maybe get two or four more in the immediate chaos. Or I could have done it lunch when I sat with my friends. Megan would have been the first to go, then Amanda. Those two would for sure be killed no matter what would happen later.
The school would go into shock. Certainly, it would be the first time anything like that ever happened; the most popular girl in the school shooting up a school. That would have been funny to see. The world maybe would have changed. Those anti-gun people may finally be heard. Maybe the school would actually start taking things seriously and end all the bullshit that happens in it.
I wondered how everyone would feel. I thought about how everyone would be sad and in mourning. That made me happy. Alyssa would have been devastated. Andrew would have found it incredibly hilarious. Sara would have been left shaken. Emily wouldn’t have been able to process it. Cody would have been quiet about it, keeping all his thoughts to himself and would later write them down in his notebook. Jana Kramer would have been the most devastated of them all and that hurt to think about.
I would be dead. I would have chosen to be shot by the cops. It would have made the national news. In school, there would be an endless amount of rumors looking for answers. It’ll be the mystery of the year. It’ll be something they would have to live for the rest of their lives, something I had to now do.
These thoughts ended when I finally reached the school. They specifically went away when I bumped into a little girl because I wasn’t looking. This girl was Grace. She was a freshman and she was nervous about entering.
First period. I share this class with Alyssa and Connor. The first thing the teacher does is force us to play some game where we all had to introduce ourselves. We all stood in a circle and had to state your name and something interesting about you. When it was my turn, I said, “My name is Elizabeth, and this is the last time you’ll hear me speak for class participation.”
Second period. I didn’t have anyone that I liked to talk to so I stayed quiet for the syllabus reading. Then third, I had this class with Amanda. She said, “Andrew’s throwing a party. Are you going?”
“Andrew?”
“Yeah, his dad is out of town or something. I’m not, I can’t stand him. He’ll just hit on me all night.”
I think it was after this period where I caught Amanda making fun of the autistic kid. His name was Corey and I had been going to school with him since elementary. There was a time where he was picked on but generally, Corey had become off-limits over the years. I never stopped.
Amanda was pushing the guy against the lockers. I mean, he was highly functional and seemed normal. It’s just that he couldn’t read social cues so what was fucked up is that he couldn’t understand why Amanda was picking on him. She would do this constantly and I used to never stop her.
“Amanda, stop!” I yelled at her. A few people's eyes were on me. I could already hear the rumor. Elizabeth Wilson defends the autism kid.
“What, I’m just having fun?”
Amanda faced up to me. “Go to class, Corey.”
“O-ok.”
“Don’t be such a bitch, Amanda.”
“Ugh, you don’t let me have fun anymore.”
“Yeah, whatever.”
Fourth period. Math. I stared out the rainy window. The weather truly is terrible this time of year. I don’t think my eyes left the window. Outside was nothing but a walkway to the parking lot and a single tree outside. It wasn’t anything special or pretty to look at, but I enjoyed everyone walking by who was either in their off period or were ditching.
Fifth was lunch. I stayed in the bathroom the entire time after eating the cafeteria food I got. It tasted terrible like always. I even managed to avoid everyone before they could grab me and take me to their dumb friend circle. I spent the entire period sitting on the toilet slowly getting more and more nauseous.
I was throwing up by the time the next class started. I didn’t know if it was the food or a withdrawal or morning sickness, or whatever. It sucked. I heard someone come in and the old me would have forced me to stop, but I didn’t care. “Are you okay?
I don’t say anything back. Instead, I finish and feel better but as soon as I want to leave, that little girl Grace blocked my path. She looked too young to be a freshman, but her ID confirmed it.
Grace Ciotta, Class of 2016.
“Are you okay? She asked again.
I scoffed and pushed her away so I could get out. Emily however, was right outside now about to come in. “Hey Ellie, are you coming to Andrew’s party tonight?” she asked. It’s been about two weeks since what happened, happened. Although I haven’t seen her since Emily isn’t uncomfortable with being my friend again.
She’s a bitch. I fucking hate her. She doesn’t know it, but she’s the reason why it didn’t work with Cody and I. They’re just too in love and won’t even admit it even though she says she knows.
I just nodded before leaving.
I have 7th off. It’s the worst class to have off. I had it once during the sophomore year and usually, I would just go home at this time if no one was doing anything.
I spent my time in the library sitting down on one of the tables. I observed the people around me like how Cody would. I pretended I had watchful eyes like I had something on my mind. Instead, I had my hand inside my purse, holding the gun. I thought about it then, the school shooting.
It would have been a perfect time. There were only a handful of kids and I was on camera but it just didn’t feel right. Life was boring. I wanted life to be interesting but it was simply too boring now.
Cody walked in with his class. He had Atkins, a former professor who believed the art was the solution to all things. I had him last year, one of the things he liked to do was to make everyone write a short poem and read it out loud at the beginning of school. Then at the last week, he would do it again and compare the two to show how much everyone had improved. It was a bunch of bullshit. Cody seemed fitted for creative writing. The reason Atkin takes everyone to the library is in case anyone wants to use poems for inspiration. Hardly anyone does.
I watched him not write anything for twenty minutes. Cody didn’t seem to notice me, but I somehow knew he did. Halfway through the hour, presentations begin. There are five kids before Cody. Their poems are simple, always having a single syllable end rhyme.
Then it’s Cody’s turn. Atkin asked where his paper was. Cody looked at him, then at me for the first time, then at his class.
He rapped:
“Love either got you on a rope or on an overdose. It has you feeling dope or high on dope. It’s like having frozen toes on the frosty snow. What do you have to show for all that blow? Tobacco cloves and tomorrow’s hopes or a sorrow joke. I will crush this love into pieces it’s my thesis I feel like I have to prove shit because I'm a disease and ain't shit. I could feel like kings but it’ll be snake’s bit-
Ty hickey by a kitty. Just a timid loser, livid dimwit, cynic image, kimi visage, bunch of G kids playing for GG. So who’s cooler? The good kids or the one’s who lost it?”
Cody then said:
I often have dreams that I’ve lost someone. I keep having dreams that I’m a monster. I’m guilty. I hurt people. I want to be stronger.
I walk by a field of grass. It doesn’t matter if it’s tall or not. I’m lost. I’m afraid. But I know I will be okay because I won’t be the last. There’s a sea of roses by the road. In the middle there’s boy. He’s holding something blue, something dead. They call it morning glory but I prefer obscurity. But what’s dead has lived but hasn’t left. And what’s right is but a shadow’s shadow. And what’s left is what I write and in my mind, I like to think I’m a wright. It’s just sometimes hard because I feel like my life is written by Edgar Wright. Sometimes I feel like I’m versus the world.
I don’t think I ever saw Atkins smile at a student’s poem.
Eight period was the class I had with everyone. I feel like I have to prove shit with all my snakes. Jana was supposed to be in this class but she had to stay home because she got sick the night before. I don’t think I could have handle saying another goodbye to her.
“Did you hear what Andrew did last week?” Megan said to Amanda. “Heard he took a piss in a front of a police cruiser while the cop was getting food. Cop caught him Andrew fought him. No idea how he escaped.”
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I knew that was just a rumor. Andrew is crazy but he isn’t an idiot. “Andrew is throwing a party tonight, are we going?” Connor asked.
“Who’s all gonna be there?” Alyssa asks.
“Everyone cool. But Emily’s going, the bitch, Andrew’s sister Sara. You know she’s dating Lucas? Chris and Cody, I guess. Chris is too weird, I hope he doesn’t ramble again.” Megan says condescendingly. “I invited some little freshman I met at Gym to come. She’s tote’s adorbs. It’ll be fun to watch her get super wasted.”
I took my eyes off the window. Sara was in this class. She was talking to the teacher and seemed fine. Ever since we had that one on one talk up in that hill I had this odd sensation about her. I could feel her sadness. I could feel them in the private messages we shared all throughout summer.
She’s a good girl. I didn’t mean to pressure her into faking being straight. Now she’s a coke addict, like me.
I turned my attention back to the rainy window. I prefer the dry months, so forest fire can come out and burn everything to the ground.
“I’m not going,” Amanda said. “Connor, Megan, Alyssa, Ellie?”
“Nah, I got to study,” Alyssa lied. A really poor one at that.
“Yeah,” both Megan and Connor said. “Ellie?”
“Hmm” My attention is finally brought to my snakes, “Uh, yeah,” I sighed. “Megan, don’t get too drunk again.”
I faded out again.
It begins.
I had kept the gun close with me at all times. I’d plan to shoot up the party. This was the easiest action to get the most out of the 14 bullets. Emily drove me there after a few texts exchanged. I’ve learned that she isn’t exactly on good terms with Cody either. He was being weird and not talking to anyone. Sara was in the car with us and I asked, “Is it okay if I break down this social hierarchy we live in?”
“Watcha mean girl?” Sara asked.
I shrugged, then giggled. “I just think it’s bullshit.”
“A lot of things are,” Emily said.
“Do you want a line?” Sara pulled out a baggie.
Andrew and Sara's house isn’t anything impressive. It’s an old beat up middle class, single story. It’s one of the few in Darkwood but the house quality doesn't matter in parties. I greet everyone I'm supposed to. Andrew, Chris, Isaac, Megan, Connor, Lucas, and Carlos. I don’t even say hi to Cody. “Where’s Jana? Is she still sick?” Carlos asked.
“Yup, she’s got the flu.”
Sara laid down a line on the kitchen counter down for me. It’s how I started the night. Andrew walked in with a literal paint bucket in his arms with a bottle of everclear inside. I watched him take out two frozen cans of lemonade and lemonade and poured it into the paint bucket. He then pours the whole bottle of everclear in and finished it off with a liter of mountain dew. The drink tastes just like lemonade but I couldn’t taste the alcohol at all even though I could smell it.
I think I had about three cups before I felt anything from it. From the kitchen table, I grabbed the bottle of fireball and pour it into the now empty cup. Chris came up to me and asked, “Want some ecstasy? I got more now.”
I took the pill from his hand without hesitation but Cody’s arm stopped me. He had those watchful eyes again. I shook my head and he let go. Things liked to go fast as always. That paint bucket didn’t help. Instead, it made everything go much faster.
We were outside on the front porch. It was Andrew, Carlos, Emily and I. I had a cigarette in my hand. Some random kid was in the bushes throwing up. “Damn lightweight, how much had you to drink?!” Andrew laughed.
“Fuck off, I had 11 beers.”
“What?!” Andrew jumped up excited. Of course, I knew he was doing it sarcastically. “Did you hear that?! 11 beers! What is that a new record? FUCK! 11 beers dude, what a fucking legend!” Andrew was exaggerating his laughter. “Fuck off out my shit fucking pussy.” Andrew ran up to the kid, pushing him into the bushes and into his own puke. “We don’t need lightweights.”
“Wow Andrew, that was kind of mean,” I said.
“Blow me.”
I’m with Megan and Lucas next in the backyard near the garage. Everything was spinning. “So how’s things with Sara?” Megan asked.
“Great, I think? She doesn’t really talk about herself. We usually just fuck and leave it at that.”
“She have any fetishes? I heard them goth girls are kinky.”
Lucas shook his head. “Nah, she’s just the same as everyone else. Truth be told, she’s kind of a prude.”
Megan scoffed, “Well at least she’s not a freak like we thought.”
I looked up to the night sky where there were no stars. “Why do we care?”
“Hmm?”
“Like why do we care? It’s not like she going to be relevant after high school.”
“Well yeah, but it’s relevant now, which makes it important.”
I shook my head, “I don’t think so,” then looked down. “I’m going to get another drink.”
“What’s wrong with her?” I heard Lucas say as I was walking away.
“She thinks she’s too good for us now…” Megan's voice is cut off by the music becoming louder.
Inside the kitchen, Sara gave me more lines. This time more people noticed which means there were more rumors. With more lines meant more good feelings on top of the already sensational vibrations from the ecstasy. I poured more of that pain bucket inside my cup.
It had been barely an hour passed but I was already too far gone.
Andrew pulled my armed down outside, forcing me to sit down on a couch. I looked around and could barely recognize everyone. We were in the backyard sitting down at a table with a lot of drinks on two couches. I was sitting on the far right, next to Chris and Andrew. Sara and Emily were sitting across us. Cody was standing behind them leaning on the porch’s post. Andrew got up and went inside.
“Want a tab, Ellie?” Chris offered. I shook my head. “Cool.”
“Ellie, where’s Jana? I like her, I wanted her to come.” Emily asked.
“She’s sick.”
“Oh, well, her party was really fun.”
I thought about it. Jana Kramer’s family is religious yet I never paid attention to notice at her party. I thought I laughed in my mind but instead, it was out loud. Emily and Sara looked at me funny, no one else cared. Andrew came back shortly after and inserted himself between Emily and Sara. “Who wants shots?!”
“I’m down,” Emily answered.
“Alright! One short increasing per person. Meaning we go down the line, start at one end at six.”
Everyone laughed and agreed, everyone except for Cody. Andrew got up again like he was restless and left for a bit. Chris got up and traded places with Emily and Sara. Cody then sat next to Chris.
Andrew came back again with shot glasses and started to pour them all with a blueberry tequila cocktail mix. He gave Cody one, Chris two, Sara three, four for himself, Emily five, and he gave me six, all in the order of how we were sitting.
“Fuckin’ hell, mates,” Andrew laughed when Cody started the chain of shots.
“Not very strong, but it’s delicious,” Emily giggled.
I looked at Cody and Chris before I took mine. Cody was looking away and Chris was out of his mind as his eyes didn’t move away from Sara.
“Jesus Ellie, want to slow down?” Sara laughed. “Shit, we didn’t record it!”
“That’s okay, we’ll do it again someday” Emily wrapped her arm around Cody, in between Chris. “You good, Chris?” but he didn’t respond.
That’s right. I never told Cody that Emily and Chris fucked.
Andrew extended his arm over to Emily, “Let's go to my room so you can see all my collections, yeah?”
It grabbed Cody’s attention but before he could speak, Emily did his job for him, “Uh, no thanks.”
“Yeah, whatever,” Andrew said knowing that Emily never minds what he does. Emily told me he breaks into her house all the time when he’s invited over just because he wants to. That’s how she’s always known him ever since he started to be friends with Cody and had grown to not care. Andrew got up again and walked inside his house.
“Fuck him, Ems,” Sara told her. “He’s such an asshole.” She gets out a cigarette and debates if she wants to smoke or not.
“Sara, that’s gross, don’t smoke,” Emily told her. She smiled when she saw Sara throwing it away. “Chris, give me a line.”
I almost laughed at the hypocrisy.
Chris pulled out a bag from his green parka jacket and tosses it over to Emily. “It’s the last I have,” he said.
“Cody, want some?”
“Ems,” Cody spoke up wanting to stop her but knows he has no right to. “You know I don’t do that stuff.”
“Pussy,” Sara joked.
I could feel the effects of everything all at once. It was a punch in the gut and for the first time in a long time, felt like throwing up. I couldn’t remember anything now because it felt like a blur like I needed glasses to see clearly. As I got up I could hear Emily’s bubbled voice in my ear saying something. If I were to guess she was asking if I was okay, but I ignored her.
I looked at my feet as I walked. I was stumbling. Andrew caught me as I failed to slide open the kitchen door. “Yo, fuckin’ watch it.”
“You want to go home?” Cody bubbled voice said behind me.
I shook my head, “No, I’m fine, I just need some water.”
-
I found myself in Emily’s car looking for my purse. I got out and took out the gun. Outside was Chris smoking a blunt, staring at me. I started to laugh, “Shh, don’t tell anyone.”
Chris looked away.
-
“Oh my god,” Sara laughed, “This is the most wasted I’ve ever seen you!”
-
I found Emily by herself near the living room. “You’re a fucking bitch, Emily!” I told her.
“Wait, why are you mad?”
-
“Let me take you home,” Cody asked.
“Fuck off, I have a plan.”
-
“Where’s Megan?!” I yelled out to the party.
-
“She’s fucking Connor in the room, chill,” Carlos answered who knows when.
“No, but Jana likes Connor.”
“You know how Connor is. He doesn’t care.”
-
I found a pill and a random cup with alcohol in it to take.
-
Megan was in front of me. “Girl, we need to get you home, you’re a mess.”
“No.” I gripped the gun inside my purse. This was it. I was going to become a martyr and finally bring change in this cursed town. I would die being loved and bring light into the darkness that these clouds brought.
Then, Grace Ciotta puked on me.
I think the old me took over because I remember I pushed her and left because I was embarrassed. Freshman wasn't even allowed to our parties unless directly invited. This was the freshman Megan was talking about earlier in the day.
“Ellie, wait!” I heard Megan yell as I stormed off into the woods.
If Grace wouldn’t have puked on me, then Megan would have been dead right now. That was the change that happened. And now I was gonna be known as the girl who was puked on. It wasn’t a big deal so I don’t know why I was running away.
Then I thought about it.
I ran into the darkness. There was nothing to see. The only thing that helped was the dim light of Grace’s phone chasing me to apologize. I could hear Megan and Alyssa behind her, calling out for me.
I’m eventually in the middle of nowhere surrounding by haunting trees. I caught my breath and even threw up a little. There was this loud ringing in my ear, just like when I first shot the gun.
Everything that had been building up, every little bad thing that had been sliding in was spilling it out. I don’t know if it was school starting up again, or the bullshit that came with it. I don’t know if I was still mad at Cody or mad at myself. The world was especially ugly that that and I didn’t know anything except one thing.
In the end, I was going to grow up. I would have to go to college or get a job and do things I wasn't ready for and never learned. What this summer had shown me was that free will along with happiness was temporary and I would have to face the ugliness of the world sooner or later. I couldn’t hide.
I wanted this summer to last forever.
I think one of the things people say to talk you down out of suicide is that it’s selfish. It is, but you’ll be dead, so what does it matter? If you truly wanted to kill yourself, the feelings of others shouldn’t be a concern.
“I’m so sorry,” I hear from behind.
Grace was behind. She was a mess but still managed to follow me. I looked at the ground, then back at her, then at the sky. “Don’t be,” I smiled, grabbing the gun.
I pull up the gun up and don’t even think about.