August 15th, 2012

He said, “It’s all moving too fast, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“It’s a blur.”

“Yes.”

He laughed. “Are you afraid?”

My hands were wrapped around my knees with my legs resting on the car seat. I could feel Acid’s eyes watching me from behind. They held presence. “What am I doing?” I asked.

“Do I have to tell you?” Those words weren’t a question, they were a threat although his tone didn’t suggest it. I felt it deep within me and I could see what Cody was talking about.

“Just do what you were told,” Acid’s deep voice said behind me.

I swallowed my knot and stepped out of the car. It was simple really. All I had to do was to knock on the door and say what I was told. But I stared at this run down house that reminded me of those shitty motels outside of town where only criminals would stay to hide. I took my first step and I heard a motorcycle speed by.

I stopped and tried really hard not to remember but failed. I swallowed hard and walked up to the door and knocked. I wondered who was going to answer and what they were going to think. I wondered if they thought it was a joke because I was so pretty. Maybe they were going to rob me instead. This is something Lyle has Acid do usually. I just had to collect the money.

The door opens and a woman holding a baby is shown. I peeked inside before anything else. For living in this house, the inside looked cleaned and organized. I expected some crackhead to have trash all over.

No, this woman was dressed neat and had her half of her make up finished. She was planning to go out and start her day, probably. This woman didn’t look like she needed money from Lyle, so who knows how she got herself here.

“Yes?” she smiled.

“I’m here for, uh,” I stopped myself.

“That’s alright, I know,” she said, glancing at the SUV. “Give me one second,” she said, turning her back to me and heading to where I assume the kitchen is. She came back a few seconds later with a white envelope. “He asked you to count in front of me, no? Don’t trust, Lyle. He likes to have people do this sort of small stuff.”

I had to count the money, but I did it slowly. “Why?”

“He likes to play with people's lives. I don’t know why you’re doing this, but be careful. Don’t do anything that owes your life to him.”

The money is all there and she shut the door, having nothing else to do with me.

Lyle said, “You did well. Not that hard, see?”

“Yeah…”

“I’m still not giving you anything.”

Cody knocks on my door. Emily’s with him. He’s making a mockery of me like I’m a joke. “Where have you been?” He asked, coming in without me letting him. “It’s been four days, what have you been doing?”

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Emily looked around. Everything in my house has been cleaned when I did the thing. It was amazing how much time I could have without needing to sleep. There wasn’t a trace all for the pipe on the counter table. “You have a pretty house,” she said. That’s right, Emily has never been inside.

“I’ve been here.”

“Why have you been ignoring us? Is something wrong?”

I shook my head, “I’ve been really tired lately,” I fake yawned.

Cody didn't respond as Emily took a few more seconds to look around. Everything was a blur, I know but I can remember Cody’s face. He was sad. No, it was melancholia from my lies. He cared so much but I was too self-absorbed by my boredom of life to care. I can hear him now, telling me that he’s sorry.

“Why don’t I believe you?” Cody said.

“You don’t have to. Can you leave now, Megan is coming over in a few hours.” That was true. We’d had agreed to at the beginning of the day.

“Megan?” Cody almost coughed.

“Yeah, we’re friends again.”

Cody sat down on the couch to sigh. He was disappointed, I could tell that much. He was looking at the ceiling trying to figure out what to say. We’ve been fighting way too much over the past few weeks. I tried to break up with him because I was too much of a mess anymore and it wasn’t fair for him. He didn’t care. I felt like a project to him.

If he wanted to talk about this, I wondered why Emily was here.

Cody looked down from the ceiling to the counter table, where he saw the pipe. I don’t think he reacted for a long time, but I didn’t know what was real anymore, so who knows.

I’ve only seen it once before, in eighth grade when this kid went inside the girl's bathroom while Emily was in it to throw a bag a trash over the stall. When Cody heard about this, there was no stopping him. He took the kid by the throat and shoved his face to the lockers. He went completely berserk to the point where not even the teachers could hold him down. It took a hug from Emily to calm him down. From what I could recall is that the only reason he wasn’t expelled was that his father was still the school’s police officer.

This time, Cody snaps again. Cody stood up and kicked away the table and looked at me. His eyes seemed completely white even though his pupils were clearly still there. I glanced over to Emily whose eyes just widened. I looked back at Cody, “WHAT THE FUCK!?”

Cody doesn’t say anything else. He took one of the cushions and threw it towards the flat screen. It fell and instantly cracked. My body could only jump as it was too terrified to move. All I knew is that Cody punched his way through the wall a couple of times before going over to the dining table and slamming a chair against it.

My body still couldn’t move as I could feel my hands shaking in horror. It’s exactly when he fucked the kid up in middle. Emily was yelling at him, telling him to stop but he wasn’t listening. Emily once said that he has only gotten like this like three times before. Part of me thought it was just another delusion going on, things have been a blur lately.

But no, Cody was trashing my house like a wild bull. Emily tried to react and got too close to him. Cody pushed her back and her back slammed against the wall.

He turned to me; his eyes were gone. I often like to describe his eyes as watchful or protective. It’s why I find them so captivating. That night they were of a demon from hell. Cody raised his fist and the only thing I could do is close my eyes. A body pushed me down and Emily was on top of me with a bloody nose.

I still couldn’t move, but Emily was persistent. She pushed herself up to Cody and kissed him before he could do anything else. Like some cartoon or something stupid like that, Cody calmed down. It seemed like it was over but Emily was on the floor crying.

This was one of her rumor anxiety attacks where she can’t breathe while she cries. Cody looked around, then at Emily, completely ignoring me. He hugged her as he got on his knees and told her everything was going to be alright. Cody returned her kiss and a few moments later, Emily calmed down.

I finally managed to move and stood up. Barely two minutes had passed but my house was trashed and Emily’s blood was dripping on the hardwood floor.

“C’mon, let’s go,” Emily said.

Cody and Emily left without saying a word to me, leaving me to figure out as I still haven’t calmed down. There was a sense of overwhelming pressure over me and I couldn’t do anything to lift it. It just kept crushing me further and further until I couldn’t breathe and only then could I feel the tears coming down.

This is how it felt to have a panic attack and I felt so utterly weak.

Again, everything felt so pointless and empty.