My room was very plain. It had the necessities for a living space, and that was about it. A bed and desk was all I had to call my own right now. The desktop was fairly clean, with only an unburnt candle held in a glass holder and a few bits of dust clumped together here and there. The bed was already made, sheets turned down. When I glanced at the bed, I could feel my gaze waver just a bit.

Because goddamn, did that bed look nice and comfortable. My associates and I had only been camping out for the past few months, traveling around to see if we could find any information on the creatures that came out from the chasm. But thinking back on how miserably we had failed to find anything, I wish I had just chosen to lie in bed until committing suicide instead. Feeling the siren’s call, I turned away from the bed, placing my attention on the desk. I sat at the chair in front of it and started looking through the drawers. I wanted to see if there was anything I could write on and with, but regrettably the drawers were all completely empty. For the meantime, I’d had to keep all the notes I needed to make in my brain until I could request a notebook and pencil. I could just go find Father Korrinn and ask for one now, but…

I’ll admit, I just feel awkward about going back out after saying I was going to get some rest. I’d rather they just think that I’m trying to sleep instead of making a diary or something. While I have no shame in keeping a diary, it’s important to keep any written notes as hidden as possible, due to the volatile nature of what I would be keeping track of. It would, quite obviously, be dangerous to have notes referring to the future I was looking towards easily accessible for anyone to peruse.

In regards to that, it would also be important to keep my notebook somewhere secret in the future. A false bottom in one of the drawers would take care of that easily on its own. I’d have to fashion it myself, ideally out of the larger bottom drawer, but I hadn’t exactly decided yet. There was always the other option of keeping it under one of the wooden floorboards, or even somewhere under the mattress I slept on. What was important was making sure no one would find it. Even better was to make sure no one knew of its existence in the first place.

Sitting at the desk, I started to let my mind wander a bit. I hadn’t had much time to even consider what had happened to me yet. Why would I come back in time after killing myself? The first reason was obvious: someone else sent me back. The most likely culprit would’ve been some god that was watching at the end. It could’ve even been Verus, though I feel like that wasn’t exactly likely. No matter how much our Church had been in trouble after the chasm opened up, we never once saw divine intervention occur. Hell, even outside of us, no acts of divine intervention were revealed by any of the various religious organizations. Thinking that way, it made me want to rule out an act of God.

Tap, tap, tap. The second option was a fail-safe of some sort. Maybe humanity being wiped out? It was the most obvious one, although not guaranteed. It’s impossible to know how much time truly passed between my death and me returning to the past. However, it made the most sense to me at the moment. Even if it wasn’t from humanity dying, it could’ve been something similar. All life dying out, maybe? There were still some animals around the world when I killed my comrades and myself, so it’s certainly a possibility. This is only under the assumption that time passed for a bit longer after I had died, though. I obviously couldn’t judge whether that was the truth or not.

Tap, tap, tap, tap. I had started tapping my finger on the desk as quietly as I could. I tried racking my brain to consider other possibilities. It could’ve also been something caused by the chasm, the looming shadow, or the creatures that destroyed the world. That one was harder to consider, as I didn’t see any reason for them to induce such an event, but I didn’t want to outright deny the possibility. While I couldn’t immediately see the benefit, I did not understand anything about them either. There’s the chance that they have the ability to think as well. If they were conscious enough, memories would exist. With enough knowledge, an explanation could be created for why they would choose to turn back time. However, there was one glaring flaw with that line of thinking.

The time I returned to. It seemed to be more centered on me than the world itself. Why else would I have returned to the specific moment when I first arrived here? If it were the chasm creatures’ doing, it would make more sense to return to when the chasm was closer to appearing. With this in mind, I decided to rule the idea out for now. I had poked too many holes in what was already a flimsy theory. Yet I didn’t discard the idea entirely. Unlikely as it was, it’s impossible to see the full picture with the eyes of a human in despair and loss. There’s always the chance that I missed something.

Though, I personally doubt it. With my brain currently working at its usual pace, it was easier for me to properly think through things, at least compared to when the world was at its end.

I looked to my right hand. Specifically, right beside it, where a book sat. The room was too dark, only illuminated by a dim beam of moonlight pushing through the window pane, for me to actually make anything out on the cover. But I just wanted to look at it again. Setting my eyes on something new to my life was comforting, in a way.

The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

It’s helpful to reaffirm where I’m currently at as my mind wanders, so I don’t get too lost. I knew already that I had irreparably changed throughout the last year. I had too many memories haunting me now. I couldn’t bring myself to forget the uncountable deaths I saw near the end, as people were swallowed left and right by darkness.

Tick, tock. Tap, tap. I listened to the movement of a clock outside my room. When I walked in, it was a little past seven in the afternoon. While it felt like I hadn’t spent much time in here, that time had barely passed, I looked outside the window again. The moon was high in the sky already, clearly denoting that more time had passed compared to what I had originally thought.

Did I get lost in my thoughts somewhere along the way? I had already forgotten. It was strange, I didn't have this much trouble with my memory before coming back.

Forgetting my own name was one thing, as I hadn’t used it in a long while anyways. It wasn’t something too important to me either. I had no particular use for it myself, the only purpose my own name held was for others to feel more comfortable when calling me. Yet, to forget it outright, to the point that nothing could make me remember it? It seemed just a little ridiculous to me.

My memory was usually good. Not perfect, but I could make note of a lot more than the average person. Where one paladin might memorize fifteen details of a crime scene with a single look, I would do double. I wasn’t great, but I had belief in myself to remember what was important. No, not important, but necessary. I wasn’t so far gone that I wouldn’t consider my name necessary.

I knew the date. Eleventh month, sixteenth day. In four days, High Father Teres and Father Korrinn, along with a few other priests and a paladin, would be heading to visit the Greater Association of Faith in the Seat of the Holy Ark for an impromptu meeting. A few days later, there would be an assassination attempt on the head of the Draconic Magic Tower in Tuluva, the capital of the nation of Redran. The blame would be pinned on the head of the Ancestral Magic Tower, although no proof would be levied against him. Days after that, Eastern Balan’s ‘Unified Governing Body’ would release a refined calendar, giving names to the months where none previously were. My memory was fine.

Well, I guess it wasn’t fine, but it felt like it was. So what exactly was the issue? It’s not worth thinking about right now, really, but I can’t help but worry about it. I never had issues like this before. Was there some issue with when I came back in time? The easiest way to find out from now on was to keep track of the things I forgot — assuming I get lucky enough to notice anything else that was missing — and try to pin some sort of connection between all of them. The luck that’d require seemed immense in the moment.

Well, I guess that’s the issue with forgetting in the end. I’ll just have to wait for something to make me realize I had forgotten, like with my name. It was a bit annoying to not be able to plan ahead in this case, but in the end I had to take what I could get. Anything was better than nothing after all.

I stood up and began stretching my arms and legs. Before I went to bed, it would be best to get a small workout in. Push-ups and sit-ups would do for now. I just wanted to do something, so I wouldn’t be doing nothing. I placed myself flat against the floor on my stomach, and pushed myself up as much as I could.

I could already feel my arms wanting to buckle. Just from lifting myself up, how pathetic. But I had to start early, or I wouldn’t make progress on myself for when it mattered in the future.

Thirty push-ups and one hundred sit-ups later, I felt exhausted. I could feel sweat dripping down my face, colliding with the wooden flooring I was stuck lying against. My body was tired. I pushed myself as hard as I could manage, and yet I could barely even manage anything before I collapsed from exhaustion. I felt pathetic.

I hated that the Great Paladin I had grown into no longer existed. I was nothing but this wimpy, scrawny sack of bones and flesh. But it was fine. I could regain what I had lost with time, that much was certain. I had to plan out a good training regiment, since it didn’t seem like I was being sent off to the barracks for forced training at this time. I would make the most of my time from here on out, no matter how much it cut into my ability to sleep.

Although, as I think that to myself… God, that bed does look so beautiful right now… The door was even locked, so I knew no one would bother me… Truly, no one was there to wake me from my slumber. No monstrous bastard who would drag me out of bed by my hair, throwing me outside at the crack of dawn to get ready for training.

O’, bed. You are beautiful. I can say this with complete sincerity today, for you are the most beautiful existence at this moment in time. I will let none steal you from me from this moment on, o’ bed. You belong to me, as I belong to you.

And belong to it I did, as I wiped the sweat off my body with my shirt before throwing it off and crawling into the bed, snuggling deeply into the soft sheets. My head sinking neatly into the feathery pillow, with a smile on my face, I slept in a bed for the first time in far too long.

In the end, men were simple. They only wanted one thing, and it truly was disgusting. Never before today had those words resonated with me more. To whoever, or whatever, sent me back in time, I give thanks. Amen.