I like fire.

Down in the dark pits, the fires of the funeral pyre are the only way you can see anything around you. Without it, the darkness sticks to you like a swamp, it clogs your nose with its invasive stench.

In the darkness, you’re all alone. No other numbers, no other kids, no masters, no living training dummies. It’s just you and the dull thudding of today’s wounds. They whisper to you. Each thud, each thump, each ache in the scars. They speak a language only those in the darkness know. They tell you how to get out of the darkness.

I don’t like the darkness.

That’s why I’m thankful that there are so many numbers. Sunday 11. Monday 19. Tuesday 9. Thursday 23. Saturday 53. There’s always more numbers, there’s always new ones for the pits. I just need one or two a day to start a pyre, a little bit of light to chase away the darkness, a little bit of warmth to ease the thudding.

———

I like ice.

During the training missions in the desolate mountains, there are no medicines to cure wounds, there are no herbs to ease pain. But there is ice. A comfortable chill that numbs the scars, a glacial bandage that stems all bleeding.

Up in the mountains, there is no life. No critters, no plants, no stores. It’s just the numbers and the demons, those who die and those who live.

But there is ice. An eternal chill that will keep fresh everything it can reach. You can keep a piece of meat good for several years in the ice if you do it properly.

That’s why I’m thankful that there are so many numbers. Sunday 16. Monday 7. Tuesday 64. Thursday 2. Saturday 5. There’s always more numbers, there’s always new ones in the mountains. I just need one for every two weeks, the ice does the rest.

————

I like Ice.(Azui) I like Fire.(Eras) So I took up the name Azuras. No longer Tuesday 5, no longer just a number. A name just for me, a mark of my existence, as small as it may be.

———

There’s a crackling, the comforting sound of sparks leaping off of wood as they scatter and spread. The wind is warm as it brushes against me, a bright crimson-orange hue dancing across the night sky.

It’s comforting. The heat of the flames, the light they shed across the night. The pits are burning. The numbers are burning. The masters are burning. The living training dummies are burning. I’m sure they’re screaming in joy, but the fire swallows all equally, like a mother embracing her naughty children.

There are bodies scattered in front of the burning orphanage. Knights, I believe they were called. Soldiers of the Imperial Family, the masters said. I don’t understand them.

Why did they try to stop me? The masters said that I am their greatest work, a masterpiece that would take hundreds of years to replicate. They raised me. They taught me. They trained me.

I just… did as I was taught. So why did they try to stop me? The pits are dark, the mountains are cold, and the night is scary. I freed them from the dark and the cold, I chased away their fear and freed them. They are screaming in joy and gratitude due to me.

So why did they try to stop me?

The Imperial Family… Will I know if I ask them?

The pits are gone. The masters are gone. The numbers are gone. But Azuras remains, so I may as well. To understand is to know when to act and when to strike, the masters always said that. So I will go and understand.

———

The city is large. Larger than the pits, larger than the mountains, denser than the forest. There are more numbers here than I have ever seen in my life, enough to fill the pits hundreds of times, enough to drown the mountain. Is this the city of the Imperial Family?

No, says one of the numbers that passes by me. Vairasta, the capital of the Vritara duchy, he tells me. A duchy… The masters occasionally said that some people came from a duchy to pick up successful numbers. They said that I would never see a duchy in my life, I was destined for the Imperial Family. I wonder what the difference is.

The number points me towards a massive building atop a hill, a house larger than the mountain. The masters of the duchy, Vritara. Dragons in human skin, he says. Will they know how I can get to the Imperial Family? I will go and ask.

They stop me at the gates. They say I can’t enter. Why not? I just want to know, to understand. They push me back all the same.

The masters always said that if there was something you want, you must do what you can to get a hold of it. So I will advance. I raise the sword I picked up from one of the ‘knights’ in front of the orphanage. I will advance.

But a young female number stops me. She stands on the other side of the gates, eyes as red as the funeral pyre, hair as violet as the plants we occasionally had to eat. Does she belong to this massive building?

Thanks to her, I can get inside. She talks a lot. Does she even stop to breathe? From the gates to the doors of the large house, she does nothing but talk. A lot of the numbers that walk past look at her as she talks. They look at her the same way the masters looked at the numbers they sent out on the longest missions, the numbers that never came back. Do they have a mission for her?

Thanks to the young number, I get to learn more about what a duchy is, and what an Imperial Family is. This place is large, much much much larger than the pits. No single pyre could possibly be bright enough to light it.

She helps me. She gives me a room, says that I must rest and clean up before I go to the Imperial Family. So I stay, I must understand.

But I am surprised, life in this large building is much the same as in the pits. The young number receives much the same training we did, but it seems that she is a bit less resilient so she cries from time to time. Crying is no good, its the first thing they weed out.

So I teach her a little, just a little. One must repay what one is given, the masters were very strict on that. They gave us a lot, so we had to be gracious in repaying them.

After some days, the young number, Alice she calls herself, says that she can help me now. A carriage, supplies, even two horses, she has acquired everything needed to get to the Imperial Family. But why is she joining me?

To meet Caine she says. Who is Caine? She says that I will understand when we get there. Good, I need to understand.

———

I understand now why the masters spoke of the Imperial Family with such heavy voices. Their city is larger than even Vairasta, it dwarfs all the mountains and all the pits with ease. And the numbers… There are endless numbers milling around. Is this what the heart of the world looks like?

Alice leaves to go meet Caine, but points me in the right direction. A great big building, more splendid than the massive building that Alice came from. Ah, yes, of course, true masters must surely live in a place like that.

But once again, I am stopped at the gates. Numbers clad in heavy armour, metal from head to toe. The masters taught us how to handle them, so I’m experienced, but they’re annoying to deal with. I just want to understand.

I show them the sword I picked up. They must belong to the Imperial Family so they will surely recognize it and understand the situation.

But… Why do they look so angry?

They attack, so naturally I defend myself. Metal from head to toe, with a bit of heat from the outside it will be as if they are inside a funeral pyre. It’s quick, its easy, its efficient. I just had to defend myself.

So… Why are there more coming?

One becomes two, two becomes four, four becomes eight. They come out without end, they come at me without end. They’re attacking, so I must naturally defend myself. But why are they attacking? I just want to understand. I tell them, I just wish to ask. But they keep coming. And coming. And coming.

Numbers from outside try to interfere, they get in the way. Is it to help the armoured numbers? Whatever, the quickest way is to get rid of them. The fire embraces them, takes them all in equally. Good, more space now.

But why does everyone just look angrier? More are coming now, from all around now. I will get swarmed if I stay so I must flee, the masters were very strict on not fighting a losing battle.

So I run. I have always been fast, only the fast survive. They can’t stop me, I know they can’t. But even after I get away, why do they keep chasing?

One day. One week. One month. One Year. They just keep chasing, and chasing, and chasing, and chasing. And I defend myself again, and again, and again, and again. They always just send more, stronger numbers, more numbers.

I meet the one known as Caine one day, he is among the numbers chasing me. He’s strong, he almost took my eye in the first attack. I understand why Alice wanted to meet him.

But I’m fast, so I can get away.

One day. One Week. One Month. One year. They keep chasing. Whenever I stop, they find me. Whenever I hide, they find me. Caine finds me several more times. He is strong, and he’s keeping pace with me.

He brings along another number a few times. A female. Abigail he said a few times so that must be her name. They chase me together, they track me down without end.

Sometimes, Alice joins him. She dances with fire whenever she shows up. But she cannot hurt me, she cannot stop me. She always holds back before she actually hits me. She looks pained when she looks at me, unsure. But she always follows Caine when he keeps chasing.

Five days. Five weeks. Five months. Five years. Without end. Without end. Without end. They chase, I run. They attack, I defend. I just want to understand, so why must they keep attacking.

It keeps going, and it keeps going, and it keeps going. Luckily, the fire keeps me going. The comforting heat chases away the darkness, and the cool ice eases all wounds. I like Fire. I like Ice.

Eventually, I can’t keep running. They’re trapping me, if I keep running then I’ll end up reaching a dead-end. So I must prepare a countermeasure, an ambush to counter their trap. Luckily, I’m as good at ambushing as I am at running.

Caine and Abigail, I’ve gotten very familiar with their tracks now, they keep chasing me. Caine is always ahead, so he falls into it first. He’s the strongest, so I strike at him first.

It takes a bit, but wounding him isn’t too hard. Then I wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. Poison is slow, but its trustworthy. Before long, it takes effect and he slows down.

And then I grind, and I grind, and I grind, and I grind. I grind him down just like the masters taught, I grind until I know its done. But just before its over, he pulls out something I’ve never seen before, a move he’s never done before.

It takes my arm and digs into my chest.

It’s a bit cold, yet a bit warm as well. A comfortable feeling fills my chest, like sitting at the pyre in the dark pit. Caine goes down, but Abigail follows up on what he did. She grinds. And grinds. And grinds. And grinds. She grinds me down as if the masters taught her, she grinds until she knows its done.

Hmm… So this is as far as I go. Onto the pyre I will go, another flash of fire to chase away the dark.

————

Tuesday 5, that’s my name. I was picked up on a tuesday, and I’m the 5th kid picked up on a tuesday. So, Tuesday 5.

The teachers at the orphanage say that they have a special job for me, but before they can send me on it, someone comes to the orphanage. They say that they’re looking to adopt some kids into the Imperial Family. The teachers look ecstatic, is it something good?

A young girl stands at the front of the group, looking at the kids carefully. She stops in front of me, clear amber eyes looking straight at me. She smiles for a moment, she promises me that I’ll get to be happy.

She takes me away from the orphanage, so I never get to find out what that special job was. But we don’t go straight to the Imperial Family they spoke of, we stop by something called a duchy first.

The girl picks up another young girl, one with red eyes and purple hair, Alice she said. She promised her the same she promised me. I wonder why she’s so nice to us?

Together, we go to the Imperial Family. They live in a city larger than anything I’ve ever seen. I thought the forest around the orphanage was large, but this must be at least five, if not tens, of times larger.

She takes us to a house bigger than any I have ever seen, a massive building that can easily hold several hundred, if not thousands, of orphans! She says that this is our new home, that we can live and play here from now.

And… and we do just that. She helps us study, she gives us small jobs, she plays with us, she gives us good food. Eventually, someone who introduces himself as Caine joins us and our group grows larger. I think Alice likes him, she looks at him whenever she thinks that he can’t see her. I can understand that, he’s very nice.

And then… I start to dream. Of dark nights. Of deep pits. Of cold mountains. Of frozen flesh. At first they’re rare, but they grow more frequent as the days pass. Then they stop being dreams.

I hear them when I walk down the hallway, I see them when I turn a corner, I feel them when I touch things. The dreams leak out of me, infect me, whisper to me. I’ve spoken to Alice, but she hasn’t felt anything so she doesn’t understand me.

I’m scared.

I can feel them in me, the dreams. They speak to me of other times, they let me feel things that are mine yet aren’t mine at the same time. I can feel myself start to accept them, embrace them.

I’m scared.

But I can’t stop dreaming. They come to me at all times, they don’t stop whispering.

And then, one day, the dream doesn’t stop. It goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on. It becomes part of me, it becomes me.

Ah, so that’s how it was. I’ve been here before. I wanted to understand, but they chased me out. They attacked, so I defended, and they hunted me for it. I like Fire. I like Ice. So I became Azuras.

We’re younger now, but we’re the same. Abigail. Alice. Caine. Azuras. I wonder how it happened. How did we go back, why did we go back? Can only I remember, was I the only one dreaming?

I don’t know.

But I’m angry.

I did not understand back then, I knew nothing back then. I simply did as the masters taught me.

But this time, Abigail picked me up. She taught me, she trained me, she helped me understand. So now I know, back then, I suffered.

So I am angry.

Why did I have to suffer? Why did I have to go through so much pain? Why did I have to be chased just because I did not understand? Why… Was it just me?

I understand now. So I am angry. And this time, I will not let it be just me.