October 20, 2018/ Early morning

Knock, Knock, Knock, Knock, Knock

“CHAR, WAKE YOUR ASS UP, I know you’re there. Do you know what's due today?”

Yes, as you can see my ordinary day starts like any other day, with a Small Russian Lady screaming through my door as my usual alarm clock. Taking a huge breath, I struggled my scrawny ass out of my queen-size bed. It was more the size of a twin, but who was here to check me? Believing is seeing. I think?

I struggled out with every creak and crack of my bones. Doing the most, I managed to get up to my feet.

I sighed, then yelled “coming” as I made my way to the locked door. I had grabbed a loose shirt hanging off a chair placed at an awkward angle right beside my bed. While not tripping over all the loose and random shit in my place.

I then heard another loud knock. I put my hands to my hips and did an uptake look at the ceiling. I was dreading going any further. Man, patience was not a virtue of any these days? I thought. Not that I could talk.

I approached the door, rolling my eyes.

I wonder who could be loudly knocking this early in such a heavy accent, I thought. I opened the door a smidge.

Kerchunk!

The door made an awful sound of chain rattling and tearing wood, and if it weren’t for the chain latch, by God dammit, I would have been slammed back. Not that I wasn’t almost knocked on my ass, but we’ll keep that a secret.

“Whoa, Mildred it’s way too early to be pushing doors open like some mob boss. Where are our manners?”

I said in a gentlemanly voice.

The Small Russian lady who barely seemed to be 5 feet, attempted to push past the door again. I was almost thrown back again, damn this woman’s gorilla-like strength, but I just smiled peeking out the door saying.

“Yes, how may I help you mayo...naise is it?”

with a large sigh and a breath of fresh cigarette air that pushed past the door into my face, she said almost too calmly.

“Look here asshole, this is the last time, the names Mironova, and damn it, Char, where is my rent?”

Ok, the latter part of that wasn’t so calm or friendly. Honestly, the thick Russian accent was doing it for me. Laid on thick just like I like it.

I felt a kind of tingle go down my body, but mostly it was probably the shaking In my legs trying to withstand her constant assaults on my scrawny lower body. I peeked out once more, staring eyes to the forehead.

I looked at this dainty little thing in front of me, as I left the door hinged, because I valued my life, can never be too safe even in your own home.

The small intimidating woman in front of me who reeked of cigarettes, but also strawberries, maybe blueberries, was looking back up at me. Staring eye to eye with the morning sun as our intimidating backdrop. We stared for a good couple of seconds like in some Eastwood flick about cowboys and Russians. I broke contact first, I felt embarrassed, staring straight into somebody’s eyes like that, sue me.

I sniffed the air, the scent of cigarettes surrounded me.

“Is that a new shampoo you’re using there? young lady!”

I said in a rather sarcastic tone.

Ok, even I could tell that the Russian accent at the end might have been a tad too much. She looked pissed beyond belief.

Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

I flashed my award-winning smile.

Hey, my mom said it was great back in the third grade. I have humbled myself up till now.

“Char!”

she barked out tumultuously.

My eyes widened a bit, while my body did the opposite and stiffened up.

You would think I was coming to the attention of my sergeant.

“Sir yes…Ma’am?”

I said jokingly, making light of the stiffness I was feeling towards the feeble little gnome.

“…..”

She stood there, arms crossed and her right foot tapping the ground.

I thought, she was just one of those cute older ladies from one of those TV shows, who is mean on the outside but does care deep down about all her tenants, with her heart of gold. I flashed my smile a bit more through the opening of the door. I felt at peace with my decision. To think of her as my new Russian saint.

A small hand moved so quickly through the crack of the door and grabbed onto my shirt. Telemundo had grabbed ahold of me with lightning speed. I didn’t react in time, as my reaction speed was worse than a toddler’s. A bitter thought ran through my head, damn why did I put a shirt on to answer the door?

The small woman grabbed a hold of my shirt and pinned me against my door, my face planted against the lock. I could feel the cold steel against my face. It felt refreshing, but the pain told me not to get comfortable. My free arm had been pinned as a stopper for the door, which by the way hurt like a bitch. It left a mark. Then like some skilled mob ninja member, with my face and body still pressed against the barely cracked open door, She unhooked my door chain with so much finesse, that all I could do was stare off in pure shock. My eyes widened as she did a little shirt push to slam me back. I managed to jump back, with my terrible middle school reflexes.

Having landed on my ass with not an ounce of grace, I yelped out.

“Fucking ass”

I sat ass to the ground and looked up at the very intimidating small woman. My door was busted off the chain and wide open.

All I could do was breathe every missed breath my mouth and lungs forgot to take. I didn’t know what to say.

“C H A R L I E where is my money?”

I tried muttering even a rebuttal but was sorely interrupted. Not by words, but by a tiny foot headed toward my head.

One thought ran through my head, and it was ‘I was being mugged by my landlord’. A title to some online webcomic about falling in love across the world, but this one was not making any money.

I tried to keep my usual cool, calm, and collected composure that had gotten me this far in life.

“umm, mil…Mironova… well today is my birthday. So please if you can, cut me some slack?” I chirped out pitifully. She was interested in what I had to say, so I continued. “I will have it. I’m not saying I won’t pay, but just let me ask around and I promise to have it soon.”

I said this all while flailing my arms about, but, so much for, cool, calm, and collected. I had nearly pissed myself, and that would have been bad. I was down to my last pair of clean boxers.

The woman breathed a huge sigh and took out a pack of cigarettes, smacking it against the palm of her hands. Her intimidating stare kept me rooted to the ground.

She took one out and lit it with a lighter she grabbed from her mid 50’s nightgown, meanwhile, I was still on my ass looking up astonished at her composure.

Amazed, I wanted to say, Please teach me master, but I valued my life at that moment.

With two long puffs of her cancer sticks, she blew the smoke straight into my face. I waved my hands in front of my face reflexively, coughing trying to squint my eyes for protection. She straight mobbed my ass. Honestly, it was badass. If only she had been a million years younger. She then looked me straight in the face and spoke.

“Char, char, char, I guess I can let you off since it’s your birthday, you are my favorite tenant after all”

I was still rooted to the ground in amazement, while she taunted me in that sex…eerie accent of hers. She continued.

“so, I’ll give you till the end of the week. How does that sound?”

“Amazing”

I shouted aloud, as I placed my hands together at her like she was the Virgin Babushka.

The former Virgin Babushka grabbed ahold of my face, as she brought her and me, face to face. The stark smell of fresh tobacco wafted into my nostrils. I tried to rid the smoke from my sense of smell by flaring my nostrils uncontrollably.

She then grabbed me by the scruff of my hair. My entire face including my blemishes was showing.

Oh, my god, this is so embarrassing, is what I thought at the time.

Yes, I know that’s not what a victim might think in a time like that, but what the hell did I have to lose?

I felt somewhat secure. It was my landlord in front of me. She wouldn’t do any physical harm, is what I thought.

“But listen here if you’re late even one second, you will have repercussions to deal with. Got! That!”

I retract that former statement. All I could do was nod my head like some idiot.

“очень хорошо”

She proclaimed in her eerily, strong, and alluring accent, she put her cigarette out on the wall.

“you pay for that too”

She then began walking out the front door, waving a finger around, singing her twisted rendition of happy birthday.

“Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Charlie please get me my money”

After slamming the door on her way, I could finally breathe. I felt my chest, to make sure I was still alive. Then I scoffed at her rendition because it didn’t even rhyme. I got it! But still….