Chapter 23

Adventurer

"What's wrong?!" I ask, startled by the outburst.

"You are," the receptionist answers back. "Everything about you. First, your name's in a foreign language. Okay, I can handle that. Then a class I've never heard of. That's fine, too, I'm hardly an encyclopedia. Nonsensical stat distribution. Not the first time. Any one of those would just be a weird blip, but every answer out of your mouth is crazier than the last!"

She slaps her hands on the desk and leans over it as she tries desperately not to shout. "And now, I know I said there's no way to get that paper without merit, but three?! Yellow, I'd ask who you had to kill, but I don't want to be next!"

I'd be really worried if it weren't blatantly obvious that last remark was just sarcastic emphasis.

All the same, I decide to answer the question seriously.

"Three level 25 wood golems."

You could hear a pin drop between the two of us as she just stares at me.

"... You're shitting me," is all she can finally say.

"My stat distribution is very nonsensical." I don't bother mentioning the thirty more from my second test. After all, the imperial recommendation was probably written before then, when they first decided to send me out here. "Is it going to be a problem?"

The woman sighs and shakes her head before picking up her writing utensil again. "Only if somebody asks me to explain my paperwork. Any traits?"

I hesitate. Very noticeably. Long enough for her to raise her eyes and see me trying not to meet them. "... Yeeeeeees?"

This time, she skips right to a groan as she digs the palm of her hand into one of her eyes. "If you keep this up, you're going to force me into asking to see your status directly."

"... And I'm guessing there's more criminal charges for lying on the application?"

"Depends on the lie, but it can definitely get you kicked out of the guild."

"... Are you allowed to keep my status a secret?"

"I'm required to keep your records secret," she corrects. "I'm still on the hook for filling them out correctly." At seeing my discomfort, she pauses and leans toward me again. "If it helps, whatever you want kept from other adventurers, unless it's something like health threats we're required to share, I can promise you that it'll be up to your discretion to tell them. They won't hear a word from us."

"... Fine, but just to be sure, if I want to share my status only with you, that will make only us able to see it, right?"

"Right."

With a deep, bracing breath, I turn away from the desk and open my status window, only to be reminded that there's several other things I really don't want to share. Oddities like my Outsider racial subtype and my original age would bring nothing but difficult to answer questions that could sideline everything else I'm here to do.

I stare at the (Outsider) tag in my race entry. Could it be possible to just ... hide it?

My eyes widen in surprise as it disappears from the window. The entry now just reads, Race: Human. Quickly, I change my gaze to the 24, and it vanishes, too. Age: 15. Just to be sure, I will them both back before hiding them again.

My eyes fall to my Hero trait, and temptation strikes me mightily. I did technically receive a direct order from the emperor not to tell people about it, and Xuhitana never specifically reversed that individual line.

The receptionist is resting her head in her hand, with her elbow propped up on the desk, grinning like a cat that's being served up bird on a silver platter. "Whenever you're ready, princess."

... No. That's playing semantics and I know full well that was covered by the reversal. Heck, I've already introduced myself as a Hero several times. Or Yorin has. It'd be wrong of me to only use it when it benefits me.

And if she sees the status window and there's no suspicious trait, the receptionist will definitely know something's up.

"Okay," I say. "Just ... just don't ... I dunno ... overreact or something."

"Yellow, if you don't show it in the next ten seconds, I'm going to make something up and squeal about it at the top of my lungs."

I reflexively swallow.

In a singsong tone, she continues. "I'm thinking, foreign princess runs away to elope with a Dabunese rabbit farmer."

"That's not a trait!"

"They don't need to know what's in the letter! C'mon, Yellow. Five, four, three ..."

"Fine!" I wheel toward her, squeeze my eyes shut and spin the screen around.

When the silence returns, I peel open one eye to look. There's a pallor over her face as she stares at my stats. Her eyes aren't even moving back and forth, they're just staring at one spot. Surprisingly, I don't think it's my title.

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Just when the staring starts to get uncomfortable, she comes around the desk and grabs me by the wrist. "Come with me," is all she says before she all but drags me through a pair of doors and further into the guild building.

Rather than getting pulled into some office or storeroom like I'm expecting, we're soon in the open air again. Apparently, the entire back half of the guild is a walled-off training ground. It's the full deal, too, with straw dummies, archery lanes, a climbing wall, an obstacle course and even a big track going around the whole thing.

Not that I get much chance to check it all out, since the receptionist is making a straight line for a gruff old bear of a man and a younger one that's barely wearing more than pants, boots and shoulder pads, leaving abs that could shred cabbage on full display.

They notice us coming, and the younger man beams a smile in her direction despite the metaphorical storm cloud flying over her head.

"DINA! To what do we owe the occasion?"

"We have a problem," she announces gravely as we come up on them.

It's only then that the two of them seem to take real notice of me, since there's little else she could be talking about. They don't seem to be able to make any immediate sense of it, either, though, and look as confused as I probably do.

"What's the problem?" the older man asks, and his voice is as growly as he looks, even if he doesn't actually look hostile.

She pulls me to the front of her and holds me there with both of her hands gripping my shoulders. "We have a new guild applicant. She's level three."

The men look at each other again, still confused.

"Three, huh?" the younger man asks, then looks me over. "So she needs to be tested. Alright." He begins stretching out his arms and rolling them around. "Sure, I've got time."

"That's the problem," the receptionist, who I've only just learned is named Dina, cuts him off sharply. "You're too weak."

His posture freezes halfway through a stretch as his entire jaw dramatically drops and he physically heckles. "Weak?! I've tested people five times that level!"

"I've seen your stats, and hers," she answers back. "She's got a hundred and forty Health, eighty Agility, and more Intellect than your entire squad stacked together."

He almost seems to deflate, even though none of his dimensions actually change, as he stares at her like he didn't comprehend anything she just said.

The older man is rubbing his chin. "That is very high for her level," he agrees, "but it should still be within Kaido's capabilities for a test. He doesn't have to beat her, he just has to pressure her."

"You know, I might have been willing to believe he almost could," Dina argues with what I'm starting to think may be signature sass, "except she's already at least able to take down a Level 25 golem."

Both of the men look shocked at that, though the younger one far more dramatically so.

"Says who?!"

"Says her."

"And you believed it?!"

Dina sighs and removes her grip from my shoulders to plant them on her hips. "I'd believe it if she claimed she killed a dragon. She came with an honest-to-the-Heavens throne admission."

Both of them take on an expression very similar to the one she had when I handed it to her. Surprisingly, Kaido recovers first.

"W-well, it was probably just some sort of situational advantage," he reasons desperately. "I'm no golem, so it's not like she can do the same thing to me!"

He's not actually wrong, ironically. If I hadn't figured out that their weak point was the big, fat eye, I doubt I could have taken even one of those things down in the first test, not with that crossbow they gave me. Well, he's wrong that shooting him in the eye wouldn't be just as fatal, but I can see his point.

He continues to insist, though, and the old man points out that the worst outcome is just that Dina is proven correct. If necessary, they can always send for a higher-level examiner later. It isn't long before I'm standing across from the half-naked jock in a chalked off sparring ring.

It's a generously large space, clearly meant to accommodate more fighting styles than just the close-quarters ones. As it is, if you separated the distance into quarters with three lines, I'd be standing on One and he'd be on Three, and there's a solid fifty feet between us.

Optimum distance for a High Noon draw, actually.

I'm glad I loaded with the paralysis rounds today, just in case they had some sort of test like this. Without a non-lethal option, there's no way I could engage in sparring. A firearm is too dangerous. Never draw unless you're ready to kill, isn't just a maxim for self-defense, where hesitation is more dangerous than not having a gun at all. It's a testament to the raw power of a supersonic mass of shaped lead.

My mind goes back to the shop description for the System's non-lethal option, full of the shop's typical snark.

Sometimes, you just don't want to kill. We get that. All the power in the world at your fingertips, and once in a while, for some bizarre reason, you just don't want to use it as We intended. That's fine.

Our job is to attend to your needs, and YOU need Heavenly ThunderTM brand Paralysis Rounds! Guaranteed to be less than lethal and still leaving your foes you FOR SOME REASON don't want to kill in agonizing pain they can't even voice!

They've certainly done the job so far. Sure, to call the description's undertones violent would be selling it short, but they deliver a quick end to any unwanted fights. Even the slimes seemed completely unharmed once the paralysis wore off. Though if the dandy was any indication, they were probably mad as wet hornets.

Kaido is still wrapping up some last minute warm-up stretches. "Alright, Miss Admission," he calls across. "Just to be clear, this match is a test of your abilities, but you don't need to worry about doing anything fancy. It's my job to push you. Yours is just to overcome. It's normally not much of a risk with newbies, but I'm still required to state the obvious. No killing. Other than that, go nuts! Any questions?"

I shake my head, but reach down and unclip the strap securing my gun. "How do I know when to start?"

"Kobi will start us off," he answers as the older man moves to stand along the outside. "He'll also be judge if necessary."

But then he plants his feet, and his carefree grin turns wicked as magical energy begins to visibly burn around him. "A few pointers. I'm what's called a Chi-do Martial Artist. I burn my mana to directly increase all of my physical abilities. Normally, I wouldn't use the skill during an admission test, but you've left me with a bit of something to prove. Don't worry when you instantly lose the first round, it's best two out of three."

I narrow my eyes and brace my own legs, but otherwise don't move.

"BEGIN!"

The old man's roar is a bellow so loud that it almost covers the explosion as Kaido kicks off. And yet he doesn't complete even a single full step as that intimidating aura falters and fades, and he crashes to the ground in a knot of twitching limbs.

I haven't hardly budged, either. The only movement I made was to grip my pistol and spin it ninety degrees with just enough lift to clear leather.

The explosion wasn't from the monk.

I'm pretty sure I catch a grin on Kobi's lips. "Yeah, girly, that'll do. Mark her down as a Bronze for now, Dina. We can always tweak it later."

The dark-skinned receptionist blows a raspberry at Kaido that I doubt he's even aware of, the universal sign of, I told you so, then heads over to collect me. "You got it, boss!"

And as we're heading back toward the lobby, she's got more skip than the doom clouds she had on the way in. "Hah, an Iaidoka with range. You weren't kidding, Yellow! Let's go get our little monster princess her shiny new badge!"