I’d been having some weird dreams lately, nothing too disturbing. My sleep at the castle had been wonderful despite that.

Yeah, yeah, I’ll get to my kidnapping in a second. But this part is important to establish for later.

So, I’ve been having these dreams. In them, I’m small. I have long hair. And I’m scrabbling through the underbrush trying to escape someone who is out to get me. Time seems to slip forward, and leap back at a whim. Because then I’m at a table, outside, concocting something in a boiling pot. Familiar faces approach me from time to time.

An orc with a slow smile asks for ointment. An elven woman in sensible leathers practices sword forms with a pair of beautiful mythril swords. She has a sister that looks remarkably like her, but with hair shorn short; she brings me herbs in a heaping bag.

I miss my family. I wonder about a boy who’d left me for some destiny far greater than my own. They tell me he wasn’t worth it, but I imagine what my life would have been like with him, and not here with the terror and the drudgery.

Suddenly, I remember waking for a moment, through the haze, the drugs.

Princess Mia was talking to a man, a black man. He held a child swaddled in his arms. The world seemed to pitch and move, and at first, I thought it the drugs, but then I saw the portholes, and I realized that maybe I was below decks of a ship.

I was certainly tied to a chair, which was nice I guess because I didn’t think I could stand.

The man spoke in a harsh whisper, and said, “you never loop me in. You always just do things! You’re not just a Princess anymore. You’re her mother too, now!”

Princess Mia snarls.

“What do you think I’m doing this for? For her. For you!”

“We have a good life. I am well embedded in your father’s court—”

“My father’s court? My father’s court is a farce, a shadow play. There is a world out there, a real world that we’ve been denied.”

“I know you listened to his stories about horseless carriages, and miracle medicine—”

“Medicine that I need. It’s done. We can’t go back now. Are your men prepared to defend me, or must I do this alone?”

A wave of nausea took me then, and I let out an involuntary moan.

Princess Mia sighed with annoyance, stomped over to me, and waved an open flask under my nose. Darkness took me once more.

I’m small again.

My heart is racing as I peer from around a tree. The man and the girl — she’s small but not a gnome like me — they walk away from the town I call home, and I can’t help but imagine I made the wrong choice. His tall lanky lanky frame sways as he walks, and by the way he looks at the girl, I know that he could never look that way at me.

As soon as they are gone, my feet carry me back to town.

I wonder if maybe the dreams I’d been having are because of the dreamtwin mushroom we ate. But I also like these dreams. I hope he doesn’t mind.

I grab the halfling man’s hand and lead him to the dance floor. He’s handsome, and for a moment I don't think of anyone else. I down the rest of of my ale, and lead him upstairs, excited and hopeful for something new.

Time leaps forward.

Berry sweet, says the elven woman, light them up, won’t you?

It’s my first combat, and I’m more nervous than I've ever been. But I believe in her, and I believe in the faith she has in me.

Secretly, I also want to see what it looks like when goblins burn.

I pull the cork from the flask with my teeth, stand from the bushes, and launch the flask with everything I have. The smoke trails behind it. It crashes at their feet, and the smoke plooms around them.

I spit the cork on the ground, and my hands transfer the vial from my off-hand to my throwing arm, and I’m launching it before I can think otherwise. The vial hits the ground at the goblins’ feet and ignites the vapor. They scream. The fire burns blue, and so hot that I see flesh melt.

Serves them right, for what they’d done. And after all, if you don’t burn them they’ll only be more later.

Princess Mia slapped me awake.

“Okay,” she said, “time to tell me what you know.”

I had a splitting headache. I tried to get thoughts to form.

“Oh, I-uh — man does my head hurt.”

She frowned and grabbed a vial of something from a pocket.

“Drink this,” she said, holding the vial to my lips.

I drank. My headache dulled immediately.

“Thanks,” I said.

“Eh, it’s all more art than precise science. Now. What do you and the Promised Heroes know?”

I don’t think she’d hit me with some kind of truth serum. I also didn’t see any reason to lie about this one. Wait, what if that was how truth serum worked?

“Not much,” I admitted finally. “We know Benoit was in communication with you, and that he had opportunity to poison the victims. But we can’t pin down a motive. Weren’t even sure that you were in on it. Pretty sure now, what with the drugging and kidnapping.”

“Hmm. What do you know about the gala?”

“What gala?”

“I’m starting to believe you are not so bright.”

Rude. I mean, maybe I wasn’t as smart as her, but still rude. Thinking about it, maybe she was talking about the opening of the King's Opera House. Was that a gala?

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She stood and walked away from me, muttering to herself. A beautiful yellow cloth of gold dress swished the floor as she did. The corset accentuated her curves rather well.

She’d drugged me, the darn so and so. I couldn’t think of any insults at the time that weren’t horribly gendered, so I mostly just fumed silently. Even evil people deserved a little bit of dignity.

Wait. Was she evil? It maybe didn’t matter. But in the moment I really cared about why. Why was she doing this? I seemed to remember some of her conversation with Uchechi. But it was all foggy.

I figured I’d try the direct approach. Shocking, I know, but I don’t have the same set of tricks that Bernadette has. Being honest, and earnest was all I got.

“Are you sick?” I asked.

She wheeled around on me, face contorted by anger.

“Who told you that? Did my father?”

“No. I woke up for a bit earlier, and I think I heard you were sick.”

She calmed, closed her eyes and let out a deep breath. Her green eyes searched mine as she continued.

“Its nothing to concern yourself with. I’m not contagious.”

“Is that why you’re doing this? You’ve been pushed to do something drastic because you want, what, want a cure?”

“It’s not that simple,” she said, sighing as she sat on a stool. She fingered the handle of a long rapier she’d set on the table behind her absentmindedly. “Let me turn the question around on you,” she continued. “Why are you helping my father? What are you doing all this for?”

“I’m trying to go home.”

“That’s it!” she said, flourishing her sword. “That’s exactly it! I am trying to go home too. Not the castle, not the play world my father has created here, but my true home out there. Beyond the blue door. Is that so wrong?”

“You poisoned a teenager. And you’ve tied me to a chair.”

She snorted, a giggle burbling, and stood, swinging the rapier around idly.

“Well, I can’t be sure you won’t do something drastic. It’s for your own good. I’d rather not stab you.”

“I’d hate to be stabbed,” I said matter of factly.

She laughed.

I had to find a way to get on her good side. No way I was getting out of this on my own. I needed to wait until I was rescued. So, the more information I got out of her the better.

She sheathed the rapier and hung it on a nail stuck to a beam, then left.

Shit.

They’d tied each of my wrists to a chair leg individually, and not behind me, which was both good and bad. Good because it didn’t cut off my circulation. Bad because I couldn’t try the classic ‘cut the ropes with a piece of glass or metal’ thing.

A long time passed. I began to feel sleepy and sluggish. I wasn’t clever enough for this.

Then a light zipped in from the porthole — a very familiar light.

“Hey,” they said, a little apprehensive. “How you doing, big guy?”

“Robin!” I said in a stage whisper. “What are you doing here?” They did a shrug that reminded me of Bernadette. Must be rubbing off on each other. I continued, “Nevermind! Can you get me free?”

Robin smiled a sad smile.

“Not today, kid. Not without a price.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I am what I am. I see somebody in trouble, and I can’t just help.”

“You little shit.”

The next shrug was less cute.

“So what can you offer?” they asked.

“I don’t know, Robin. I don’t want a level in Warlock. And my hands are literally tied. What is there?”

“How about a boon?”

“A boon?”

“You must promise to do something for me, to be determined later. I promise that the boon won’t hurt anyone you care about, but the boon will be significant.”

“That all you got?”

“You have a better offer, hero guy?”

I thought for a moment. Then, I said, “yes. Let’s do it. Just help me!”

Robin zoomed around and through my legs, and was done in an instant. I tugged on the ropes. There was much more give, but I wasn’t free.

“Hey, what the hell? This is all you got?”

“This is all I can give you. If I help you any more, the boon you’ll need to do for me will be too much for you to agree to. I don’t want to doom you, kid, or take your first born.”

“When you put it like that—”

“I got information though!”

“Thank god! What do you got?”

“Gold dress lady?”

“Yeah?”

“She’s working for Queen Tenenbria. Has a crystal ball with her image in it. Like a reflection but of someone else, you know?”

“Uh. Okay. I don’t actually know much about Queen Tenenbria. What’s she look like?”

“Eh, you humans all look the same. She’s pretty, I guess. Long hair. Black dress.”

“Okay, okay, what else you learn?”

“The Evil Queen is planning something for the big opening of the King’s Gala in a couple days. Some kind of invasion of Swordfall.”

“Wait so the poisoning…”

“Brings Caleb’s kids back to Swordfall. Whole family line is in one place.”

“Shit.”

“Yep.”

“Why would Princess Mia be part of that?”

“Who knows? Humans are fucked up.”

“You got that right. What else?”

“Eh, not much. Queen was originally from beyond the blue door and she’s dangling that as a carrot for the Princess.”

“Shit, really? What does that mean?”

“Op! Gotta leave! Good luck!”

And they were gone. Thunder cracked. No. Not thunder — cannon.

A harpoon the size of my whole body pierced the wall of the ship. Water surged in around it. Princess Mia came running down the steps, her skirt tucked into her swordbelt, her face wild.

“Looks like Daddy cares more about catching me, than making sure you’re safe.”

“Please don’t say you’re letting me drown.”

“I haven’t made up my mind yet.”

A roar of rage, a familiar roar, sounded above me. Swords clashed. Another report of thunder, a second harpoon, crashed into the side. More water surged up past our ankles.

Princess Mia walked around behind me, behind the chair. She put the sword to my throat, and watched the stairs leading up.

“Looks like this is gonna be over soon,” I said. “How about you let me go, and I put in a good word?”

“You think I’m that stupid?”

“No. I thought maybe you valued my word?”

“A man’s word spends as well as a wooden penny.”

“So, not well?”

“And it’ll give you splinters.”

“Fair enough.”

The body of a pirate rolled down the steps. I worked on the bonds around my wrist. I just had one hand free. I had to make little movements, so she didn’t notice. Robin had really made them looser. Maybe I had this?

Bernadette stalked down the stairs with the dangerous swagger of a cat ready to pounce.

“Let him go,” she said. “It’s done.”

“Not yet.”

“How did you find me?” I asked.

“Scratched your hand, remember?”

That magic item was far better than it had any right to be.

“That’s far enough.”

The rapier wasn’t a cutting weapon, but the edge was still razor-sharp. Only a little pressure on my neck, and it started to bleed.

Bernie didn’t say anything. She just threw her dagger.

Princess Mia was forced to parry, sending the weapon harmlessly into the water.

“I believe in you!” I shouted, pulling my hand free and flourishing it at Bernadette. Water sprayed into the air and she ran through it. Mia lunged at her, and Bernie immediately threw herself back, just avoiding impalement.

“Ocoltarse!” I yelled and disappeared. I was still stuck to the chair, but as long as I didn’t attack anyone, I was much harder to stab. To punctuate this choice, Mia stabbed down at me and missed, then fell back as Bernadette circled toward her.

The chair fell over as more water washed in. I struggled to keep my head up above it, and furiously worked to free my other hand. I could hear the clash of blades behind me.

But I had more pressing issues. I had to untie myself before the water covered my head.