Nyx slouched in the armchair, finishing another cigarette. Three o'clock flashed on the VCR beneath the television. Her hand shook as her knee bounced. Alistair was still asleep in the other chair while Kismet curled up on the couch.

The thunder had stopped, but rain continued to lash against the cabin walls. Last summer, she and Angel had gotten caught in a horrible storm much like this one. They’d been on the beach, losing track of time. The sun had nearly disappeared over the horizon. A few fat rain drops turned into dozens, then the sky had completely opened as they reached the street, dumping sheets of rain.

They chased each other up the hill, racing to his cabin. By the time they reached the porch, laughing and struggling for breath, they’d become completely drenched.

A soft thump upstairs caught her attention. The sound of the window sliding shut. Her heart squeezed. Sweat formed on her palms.

Nyx steeled herself and got up, swallowing the rage bubbling to the surface. She crept up the narrow stairs, gliding her hand along the wall in the darkness. As she reached the top, a faint blue light emanated from the bedroom, casting the small landing in an eerie glow.

The light swelled from within Angel’s body. He stood in front of her bedroom window with distant eyes as sharp as broken quartz. Large black wings rounded over his head, water trailing over his feathers. Blood stained his knuckles crimson. Rain ran off his body, dripping from his long black hair, streaking mud and blood across his bare chest. His jeans were soaked through.

He clutched a trash bag wrapped tight around a small thick bundle.

Pain twisted the knife in her stomach. Tears burned her throat and eyes. She wanted to embrace him, slap him, hug him, scream, beg him to stay, make him leave… A million words rushed to the surface, and they all caught in her mouth. Her heart was, and always had been, in his hands no matter how much she tried to convince herself otherwise.

"Here.” He held out the bundled up trash bag. "You can have half. Pay Alice what I owe and maybe Kismet can get set up somewhere too."

"Fuck you," she spat. "You think I want your money?"

Angel didn't argue. Instead, he reached in the bag and pulled out a thick stack of one hundred dollar bills. Despite herself, Nyx's eyes widened. She'd never seen so much cash in one place. That was far more than she'd make in a year working at the market. He tossed the wad on the bed.

"Do you ever fucking listen to me?" Fury made her voice shrill. "I said I don't want it!"

"You'll change your mind." He looked away, anywhere but at her.

Nyx grabbed the stack. It clung together by the mercy of two rubber bands. She tossed it at him. It bounced off his chest with a soft thump. He didn't flinch at the impact nor move to take it.

Thoughtless in her fury, she shoved him. Surprise more than force made him stumble back a step, but there was no other reaction. He wouldn’t even look her in the face. Rage pressed Nyx forward, until his back hit the wall.

"Why are you doing this?" she screamed. "All I've ever done is love you!" she stopped for a moment, clenching her jaw as realization crept in. "That's it, isn't it? That's the problem. You really hate yourself that much."

Nyx was so close to him now, they stood chest to chest, her face under his. The cold scent of rain mingled with sweat and mud. She looked up, trying to force him to look at her, but he turned to the side. The warmth of his light contrasted the boiling wrath writhing under her own skin.

Finally, Angel turned. His blue eyes fixed on hers, desperation clouding the edges.

"I warned you," he growled, but there was little bite.

"This is what you want, isn't it?" she said, her voice soft, nearly a whisper. "You want me to hate you?"

Angel was so still. His skin slick with rain. She felt his careful breathing, the familiar rise and fall of his breath. He turned his head away once more.

Nyx stepped back, but he stopped her, gently taking her arms, his eyes swimming with tears.

"I'm so sorry.” Angel tightened his grip, clinging to her. "I've dug myself such a hole, I have to go."

"Why'd you do it?" Nyx pushed away from the embrace, perhaps a little harder than she meant to. "I truly don't get it. You were upset, of course, and I'd understand running off to be alone, but to uproot everything and light a match behind you? What the hell are you thinking?"

"I can't stay here anymore. Maybe I was scared I'd chicken out."

"What made you think you had to leave in the first place?"

"How can I stay knowing everything was a lie?"

"That’s not why you’re running," said Nyx. "You're scared of the conversations you'll need to have if you stay."

Angel’s jaw twitched, his wings flexing.

"What is there to say?" he snapped. "No one gave a shit about me, and they still don't. Granted, most of them tried harder than Julian to care about me. You, Alistair and Cassie were the only ones to ever be genuinely nice to me."

"Mom and Dad -"

"If not for being friends with you guys, I don't think they would have given me the time of day. They don't even like Julian that much. No one does. There's just this bond between all of them because they came here together. No one wants to admit it's worn thin."

Exhausted, Nyx sunk onto the edge of her bed. It was true. Ember's capture had torn a rift between them, but no one ever said it out loud. Angel was surely a reminder of her, The Old Academy and Ivy all rolled into one.

Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

No wonder they were so distant, but it wasn’t his fault.

He sat next to her on the bed, draping a heavy arm around her, soaking her shirt.

"Come with me," he said.

"What?" she gasped.

"Sure? Why not?" Angel tightened his grip, jiggling her a little. "Just you and me."

The comfort of his embrace was too much. The temptation to give in ripped her apart from the inside. More than anything, she wanted to fall into the familiar illusion of a life together, that even adrift, they were together, and wasn’t that what mattered?

Who am I kidding? There’s no way I’d be able to hold his attention that long. Sure, while the novelty is in full effect, everything would be quite wonderful. Then sooner or later, his eyes will wander, something or someone else will take his fancy and I’ll realize I’ve left everything behind for nothing.

"You're on the run, Angel," she said. "I don't want to live like that. I wasn't joking when I outlined my conditions. You broke your promise. We're over."

"C'mon, you don't mean that," he said, jostling her shoulder. A quake of concern trembled in his voice.

The lump in her throat burned. She couldn't bear to look at him, so she studied the mandalas on her pillow cases, the birds on her duvet cover, anything but his glorious face. His eyes alone would kill her if she dared.

"What did you think would happen? You wanted to leave. You think I'd be here pinning away?"

"Well no, but -"

"Then what?" she snapped, shaking her head. "People are going to be after you now, and not just Ivy. You'll never get to be still again. Not for long, anyway. You knew exactly what you were doing when you ran off to fight Carl."

"Maybe I don't want to live a life where I hide my abilities?" Angel retracted his arm, his body tensing. "Why is that never an option?"

"Actions always have consequences. Kismet agreed to read Ivy’s mind and see what her intentions are. The best you can hope for is that Ivy is interested in helping you, and go quietly."

He looked aghast, as if she’d told him to cut off his wings.

"I'd never work with her," he said, “and I won’t do that to Kizzy. She has enough trouble with her powers as it is. A risk like that is asking far too much of her.”

"If you had stayed, we wouldn’t be having this problem,” said Nyx, heat flaring in her voice. “Why can't you trust us to help you? Have we ever let you down?”

“I don’t need you hovering,” he grumbled. “I can work through shit on my own.”

“Maybe I could buy that if your idea of ‘working through shit’ wasn’t ruining your life every chance you get,” she snapped. “It’s like I gotta have eyes in the back of my head to keep you from imploding. It’s exhausting. Not even a few hours ago, you were promising to cut off The Barn and stay here, then you’re buldozing out the door the minute you’re confronted with feelings you can’t sit with. I understand you’re hurt. I do, but I can’t trust a word out of your mouth. In fact, I can’t trust you at all.”

Her chest heaved as the words rushed from her, leaving her breathless.

“You said you wanted things to be fair Angel, and I’m telling you, they’re not and never have been,” she continued. “I can’t rely on you in any way that matters, and then you leave me like this, holding the bag for your shit decisions. So excuse me if I want to save myself some trouble and stop you from blowing everything up in the first place.”

Angel stared at her and she could not decipher the emotion in his eyes. They seemed to flicker across a spectrum before settling on utter heartbreak. She wished to pull her words back in, but simultaneously stood by what she said.

“I told you I’d never grovel again and I meant it.” The words sucked the air from her lungs, but she had to continue. “I’m so stupid for believing you could be better, and here I am, paying for it yet again. Did you ever stop and think about what we’re going to have to go through once you fuck off into your new life of adventure and reckless abandon? You’ve really fucked it up this time.”

Angel put his head in his hands, burying his face in frustration. His body trembled with hardly contained emotion. "What the fuck is wrong with me?"

"There's nothing wrong with you," she said, softening. "All I've ever wanted was for you to see that. I'm sorry no one helped you sooner, and now -"

Maybe if someone had stepped in sooner, if they hadn’t lied to him all this time, things could be different.

"Will you stay tonight?" she whispered.

“I dunno…” he glanced at the window, then back at her. "You want me to?"

Nyx nodded. The pressure in her chest was too much to bear. Only that night, they were dancing by the fire. She'd give anything to go back. He peeled off his wet jeans and pulled his wings inside. The blue light had diminished, barely visible.

Maybe he’ll see clearer in the morning. Kismet will read their minds and we’ll decide what to do from there.

They crawled into bed. It was so normal. Just like always. Nyx wrapped her arms around his waist, nestling in with no mind to the drying rain and how cold and damp his skin had become. Angel put his arm around her, letting her head rest on his chest, idly playing with her hair.

How can he feel the same when everything has changed?

“Did you mean it?” The words were tight in her throat, squeezing through the reluctance to hear the answer.

“Hm?”

“When you said you love me, did you mean it? Or was it only something you thought I wanted to hear?”

“Of course I meant it.” His voice was hardly a whisper.

“Then I don't understand how you could do this.”

Angel sighed, shifting around, struggling to find what to say.

“There’s something missing inside me,” he muttered. “The people who made me in that lab must have messed something up. No matter how much I reach out, I can’t touch or feel… nothing can fill this void inside me. I get these moments, these brief glimpses of relief before it all comes crashing in, and it’s worse, and I’m drowning. I want to be better for you, but all these expectations push and push. It’s horrible to ask you to love me as I am. I tried to tell you.”

The crack in his voice broke her heart. She reached for his face and he flinched, sniffling, then settled into her touch. Tears wet the tips of her fingers as she stroked his cheek.

I wasn’t listening before, but I hear you now. Love is nothing but a threat to you.

“I'm so sorry I could never fix it,” Nyx muttered against his chest, gripping him tighter.

His lips buried in her hair, kissing her gently. “That was never your job.”

Thick tears escaped, rolling down her cheeks, mingling with the rain on his skin.

"Will you sing me something?" she asked.

Nyx clung to him, fighting against the building tears in her throat. She felt the deep vibration of his voice against her cheek on his chest. His fingers caressed her hair as she imagined a life without his touch, the sound of his voice or feel of his skin. Her heart pressed against the confines of her ribs, as if it would tear through her own flesh if it could. A repressed scream choked up through her throat.

The rage had dissipated making way for a grief so all consuming, she wanted the fury back.

Nyx wondered if she ever crossed his mind in the same way. Was he, too, imagining a world without her? The worst part being that if he was, it didn’t matter enough to change his mind.

He’s so wrong about himself. Emptiness isn’t his problem, it’s feeling too deeply, like how colours turn to white when spun together. He can feel love, but it’s too terrifying to sit with, worse than the rage, or guilt. Those feelings are familiar.

She fell asleep before Angel was finished his song, and when she woke up, he was gone. The morning breeze wafted through the open window, chilling her exposed arms. She glanced around the room at first, as if she’d missed him somehow.

His absence was like a gut punch. She had dared to hope he would stay and agree to the plan in the broad light of day, but reality came crashing in, heavier than anything she’d ever imagined before. It suffocated her.