(Steven Edwards)

I woke the next morning to a small flashing blue point in my vision. Once I focused on it a screen popped up.

DAILY QUEST PEST CONTROL

PESTS HAVE INVADED YOUR FARM. FAILURE TO STOP THEM WILL RESULT IN A 10% LOSS IN CROP PRODUCTION.

REMAINING PESTS:

GRUB x5

SNOT SLUG x2

MONSTER CATERPILLAR x1

Somehow I knew Travis had a hand in this. I dressed and went to wake up Lu-shi. She was sitting on her bed looking out the window. “Papa. You’re up.” She said as she jumped up and ran to hug me. She looked up at me and seemed to beam joy from her very being. “I had worried that yesterday was a dream.” She said and I could see a hint of fear pulling at her.

“Technically it was, but today is too.” I said as I laughed before kissing her forehead. She giggled and struggled to push me back. “Let’s get you to Yanor and the twins. Want to ride on my shoulders when we get outside?” I said as I held my arms out to her. She nodded and hugged my neck. The sun had yet to rise but lit the sky in the east. All the moons were setting in the west. A light fog was drifting over the field and into the woods. The air was thick and had a slight chill. I took a deep breath of the fresh clean air and lifted the small girl to my shoulders as I stepped off the porch and nearly fell on my ass as something squished under my foot. I looked down to see a gray goo and a screen popped up.

YOU HAVE KILLED 1 GRUB 1XP EARNED. REMAINING MONSTERS

GRUB x4

SNOT SLUG x2

MONSTER CATERPILLAR x1

I tried not to swear as I whipped the remains of the grub off my heel and looked out over the field. At least I was wearing shoes. If I had been barefoot it would have been really unpleasant. I saw the other monsters as they wondered around my field. First things first, Yanor and go from there. The walk to the town was nice and relaxing and was better than coffee at waking me up. We watched the sun rise through the trees and Lu-Shi just talked in that way all children like to do. Saying a great deal and not saying anything of real value. Revoke my man card now if you like, but this is half the life I always wanted. Just need the hot wife to complete the picture. The town was quiet as most of the people were sleeping, all but Yanor. She stood outside a rough cloth shole around her shoulders with a tight smile on her face.

“About time you showed up, fool man and welcome back Lu-Shi.” She said with a smile. She held her arms up to the smaller elf who leapt to her. A small cute chuckle came from the older elf as the two hugged.. I smiled and waved as I turned back towards the farm.

“You two have fun and I’ll see you at sunset.” I called over my shoulder. The walk back took next to no time and I frowned at the field. Taking my shovel out I hunted the grubs. They were huge, almost six inches long, white, and pulsing in a horrible way only fat bugs can. All it took was one wack and they exploded into goo and on the last one had a shiny something in the puddle left behind. I grimaced as I leaned over to poke at it.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO LOOT GRUB? (YES) NO

WOULD YOU LIKE TO ENABLE AUTO LOOT (YES) NO

YOU HAVE LOOTED GRUB AND FOUND 1 COPPER 1xp EARNED

Well everyone has to start somewhere. With all the grubs gone I turned to one of the slugs. They were almost a foot long, lime green and left a clear trail of slime behind them. I was not looking forward to this. Flipping my shovel like a kid pretending it was a sword I squared up on one of the slugs. The revolting slime snake reared up like a cobra and tried to bite me. Just in time I saw the long mandibles slide free of the unnerving flesh to lash out. I leaned back and brought my shovel down on its head. It slid back on its own slime and started swelling. NO, NO NO NO. Not good. I dodged to the side as a stream of green thick slime shot out at where I had been and stained the grass. My eye twitched as I stood and swung my shovel once more and saw the snot slug explode. I wanted to be sick, but didn’t have anything to throw up yet. Noted, avoid them when they swell up. There was a shiny object in the remains and I swallowed and shook as I worked up the nerve to touch it. Gross, gross not fun. Who in the hells would make this in a game. Travis we are going to have words when I see you. I thought.

YOU HAVE LOOTED A SNOT SLUG AND FOUND 1 COPPER AND 2 SNOT BALLS. 3xp EARNED

I had to psych myself up a little to face the other slug and it went almost the same way. This time I didn’t fall when the slug erupted and found the same loot in this one too although I shuttered more when I stuck my hand into that mess. All that was left was the caterpillar. My mind was on the tiny ones from home, this was not one of those. Nearly two feet long, over a foot wide with a five inch stinger on the end of its tail, long green claws dug into the dirt as it turned to look at me. Large red compound eyes looked at me with all the hatred only topped by a few of my exes. I did not want to do this, but I also did not want to take a hit on my first harvest. I squared up and took a swing and the little bastard reared back dodging only to rock forward and roll up to bring that stinger over its body and almost into my stomach. It missed by the barest of inches and I slapped it with my shovel. It bounced off the head only leaving a slight trail of ichor. Crap. It only seemed to piss it off. Sharp mandibles snapped out and took my shovel out of my hand. Crap crap crap. I quickly equipped my sickle and charged in chopping at its tail just below the stinger as it came at me. Much to my surprise the wooden blade chopped deep into the monster’s flesh and nearly took the stinger off. The beast reared up and dropped my shovel as it screeched in pain. I took advantage and swung between the eyes with all my might. It clamped down and nearly took my hand off as it bit down on my arm. I got lucky as this drove my sickle deeper into its brain and the red light of pain and anger left its eyes.

YOU HAVE COMPLETED THE QUEST: PEST CONTROL. YOU HAVE EARNED 10xp AND 1 SILVER. YOU HAVE LOOTED A MONSTER CATERPILLAR AND EARNED 1 SILVER, 3x SMALL MONSTER BUG MEAT, 1 POISONED STINGER, AND 25xp. LEVEL UP. YOU ARE NOW A LEVEL 3 FARMER.

I sat down and held my right hand. It hurt, but more like I took a bad fall on it not that I had nearly gotten it bitten off by a huge ugly ass bug. “Take that you demon caterpie.” I said as I held my hand. What’s next, Xenomorphs? “Travis, if this was you, you’re an ass.” I said as I lay back and chuckled. I did it. I put on the voice of an old small woman, “This farm is clean.” Once my hand quit hurting, I pulled out my bucket and went to water my crops. Much to my amusement the interface to my crops had changed

If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

WHEAT CROP. FERTILIZER= 0% BONUS, WATER NEEDED, HEALTHY= 5% BONUS, LEVEL BONUS= 3% TIME REMAINING 9 DAYS, 3 HOURS, 6 MINUTES BONUS TOTAL= 8% AVAILABLE FERTILIZER= SMALL MONSTER MEAT + 3%, SNOT BALL +2%. WOULD YOU LIKE TO ADD THESE ITEMS TO THIS CROP? YES (NO)

It seems like I can get more information the higher my level and the more yield I get from each crop. I smiled and started humming as I quickly watered the crops. It was just after dawn and I still had a full day ahead of me. Time to meet with a mare… mayor? Both, both is good. I found Herris sitting at her stall watching over the market and sipping a hot cup of tea. “Morning boss. How goes it?” I asked her in my sweetest voice. She looked up at me and frowned.

“It was good until you came up. What do you need?” She groaned. Maybe she needed coffee and not tea this early as she was as cold as a winter’s morning.

“I was hoping to get you some more plants and see if you gave any thoughts about meeting with my friend.” I asked not showing her that her mood had affected me. She huffed before saying.

“Yes we could use more plants and if you can talk your friend into meeting all the town near sunset, I will see if anyone is willing to give that monster a chance. Now get out of my hair and let me enjoy my morning.” She said waving me off.

QUEST ACCEPTED: THE FOOD MY FOOD EATS. THIS IS A DAILY QUEST. BRING TABBITHA HERRIS 16x EDIBLE HERBS

I hummed as I left for the bridge. The dawn light was drying the fog and the air of the village seemed to be lighter than yesterday. As though the people were happier. Some of the dirt on the walls had been washed off and even though Herris seemed grumpy, she still seemed better off. If this is what I can do in one day, I wonder what this place will look like in a year. As I walked to the bridge I saw that huge blue hand swipe out and soon followed by the others and that impossibly large body pulled itself up to the path. Heinz loomed over me and gave a huge smile that made my tail end tighten a little. Dude would make a lion blush with how imposing he was.

“You can not pass me until you answer these questions three.” He said in his booming voice. I smiled back at him.

“Go for it pal.” I replied. He beamed and took a breath.

“Did you sleep well?” He asked as he sat on the bridge.

“I did.” I responded before taking my own seat.

“Did you have a good breakfast?” He asked, clapping his huge hands together.

“No. I may have a good lunch when the time comes though.” I said and he frowned a little.

“You should eat breakfast every day.” He scolded me and I knew he was right, but I didn’t have that type of coin yet. He raised an eyebrow at me and said in a small voice. “Are you still willing to be my friend?” I faked a frown as I stood up to look him in the eye.

“Hell’s gate you have to even ask. I will always be your friend if you are willing to be mine. Now it’s my turn.” I put my hands on my hips and frowned up at him. “Did you sleep well?” I asked. He put one hand on the back of his neck and rubbed it sheepishly.

“No, it was a bit cold last night.” I smiled and pulled out the extra blanket and handed it over to him.

“This may help.” He stood there a small tear falling down his oversized face. Master has given dobby a sock. I said inwardly.

YOUR REPUTATION WITH HEINZ THE TROLL HAS INCREASED TO HONORED FRIEND. HEINZ WILL NOW BE WILLING TO FOLLOW YOU TO OTHER AREAS OR EVEN HELP YOU IN QUESTS. NOTE THIS NPC IS A PACIFIST AND WILL NOT FIGHT.

He started dancing, swinging the blanket around and even placed it over his shoulders like a cape. I clapped my hands and smiled up at him. “Question two. Did you have a good breakfast.” I asked. He stopped and looked back down at me smiling big.

“I did. We gathered a lot of herbs yesterday and I wanted to find more. It was fun gathering with you.” He said, smiling at me.

“Question three.” I put on a stern face and he actually looked a bit scared. “Are you still willing to be my friend?” he roared with delight at my last question.

“Always. I like our games.” He said.

“With that out of the way would you like to pick some more herbs today. Also would you like to make more friends this evening?” he looked a bit worried as he looked towards the town..

“Will they try to hurt me?” He asked and I could hear the fear in his voice. I tried to reach a hand up to pat his shoulder, but the big blue lug was just too damn big. I just patted his impressive six pack to try to reassure him.

“No buddy and if they do, I’ll take the hit so you can run.” I said flexing my arms.

“You are a good man, Steven.” He lowered his massive frame and held out an arm for me to climb up. I did so and soon we were off running down the road at what can only be described as a reckless pace. He took us to a new field and started humming as I jumped down. Promptly and in a very manly way, fell on my face. What the hell did someone glue banana peels to my feet or something? I looked over to see him hiding his face and shaking. I joined in on the laughter to show him I wasn’t hurt and he was okay to laugh. He did just that and a fair bit of it too. Near mid day I called it quits.

“I will be back around sunset to escort you into town.” I said with a smile. He still looked worried. “Relax bud. They are a bit scared of you, but with a winning personality like yours, I know you’ll make friends with almost all of them.” I wasn’t sure about Herris, but he didn’t need to know that. He just shrugged and went back to picking herbs. I turned and walked back to town. Turning in the quest knocked off another three silver off my mortgage. After that I went over to see Maggie. She was kind enough to sell me a bowl of stew from last night and then it was back to the farm to cut grass. I needed a lawnmower. Maybe I could ask Travis for one. It was a nice surprise to see the puddles of goo from the monsters had vanished. Closer to the crops, I could see healthy looking sprouts poking out. I started cutting my lawn and sang as I went. If you must know I was singing the dwarf song from Snow White. It seemed I could go a bit longer before passing out. The out of stamina message was annoying when it popped up and it did so fairly often. When cutting the last patch I found a hole in the ground.

YOU HAVE FOUND A RABBIT WARREN. THIS CAN BE MADE INTO A CUNICULTURE FOR 2 GOLD. THIS STRUCTURE WILL PRODUCE 2 RABBITS PER DAY THAT CAN BE SOLD AS PETS, USED AS FOOD OR LET FREE IN THE WILD. WARNING YOU HAVE TO OWN THE PROPERTY TO BUILD THIS STRUCTURE. WARNING BUILDING THIS STRUCTURE WILL ADD CARNIVORES TO THE DAILY QUEST “PEST CONTROL”

It may be a while before I do that. I can’t even handle a few bugs, don’t what to think of what a wolf could do to me. Also I like rabbits and the thought of the girls playing with cute bunnies would be adorable and might be worth getting mauled. Something for down the road. The sun was dipping low and I washed as best I could using my bucket before I walked back to town. I had a few leftover herbs and a fair bit of grass for Pop. He was sitting on the fence of the stables when I walked up. His pipe leaving a long trail of smoke up and fading into the air with a pleasant scent. “Evening Pop.” I called out, “How is your day going?” he huffed and frowned at me.

“What do you want?” He asked, slightly less harsh than yesterday. I was making progress.

“I have grass for you.” I said as I reached a hand out to him and he moved the pipe to the other side of his mouth before taking it. “I was also wondering if you were willing to sell me some of the… leavings from the animals?” I asked trying to make horse carp sound a little better. He nodded.

“Want to do a trade?” He asked, a slight smile on his face.

“Sure what are your thoughts?” I respond hoping for the best.

“Twenty grass for one piece of crap.” He said smiling.

“That seems fair. I have a little over one hundred on me now so ten droppings?” I verified. He nodded and took my hand. “See you at sunset?” I asked as we made the trade. He raised an eyebrow in question.

“What do you mean?” He asked and I could almost see him asking if we would be drinking tonight.

“I have a friend I will be introducing the town to.” I replied. He nodded and frowned a bit more.

“If your friend will help this town, then I’ll give them a fair shake.” He said talking a long draw on his pipe.

“That’s all I can ask. I do have a question about the town.” He just nodded at me asking me to go on. “Why does it seem like there are more women than men in this town?” His expression became somber as he looked off into the distance.

“The war took them. Her honor, the Lady Baltha ordered that all able-bodied men and any women willing should go to fight back the elf king.” He looked at the ground, his pipe in his hands. “They didn’t make it back or last long. I don’t blame the king as he was just protecting his kingdom. Baltha though can pound the worst part of my fence posts for that. It ain’t right to toss lives away like that.” I wanted to pat the man’s arm but wasn’t sure if he would see it as the gesture it was meant to be.

“I’m sorry to hear that. No wonder this place seems a bit down.” I said looking around. He got down and turned to the door of his house. “See you in a little. Sorry for bringing the mood down.” I said to his back. He just nodded and kept walking. I went to see Tina and she was just as shy as always, but it did net me another silver for the herbs. I needed to get herb gathering soon. It would make things easier. I walked over to Yanor to pick up Lu-Shi. If anyone could make things easier it would be a cute little girl playing with an oversized monster. Man, I hope this hair brained idea works.