"What in the flying hell?!” I shouted as my door was shattered. Absently, I somehow thought about my neighbors and what they were thinking at overhearing this whole episode.

Snapping back to the present and giving the bird to my occasional ADD, I held tight to my steak knife and yelled “Who the fuck are you freaks? Get out of my apartment!”

But my warning only served to draw the horrifying donut men toward me. As they stepped closer, I could see that they truly were abominable creatures: soulless black sprinkles for eyes; a bulbous, empty void in its middle where its “hole” was removed; and a sweet glaze that even from my vantage point I could smell was overly sugary; and its hands and arms and legs were bits of licorice which had been ‘glued’ onto its body by a frosting adhesive. Because of its haphazard limbs, seeing the beast in motion was like looking at a poorly made stop-animation movie where every frame was a janky, jagged affair.

I noticed all of these horrible bodily features in mere seconds, time enough for me to only sort of process what the heck was happening. But what I did process wholly was that the donut men were now charging at me with their candy corn tipped caramel spears.

I acted without thinking and sidestepped the first spear thrust. The second I again dodged but it forced me directly into the way of a third spearmen; I tripped over myself, fell his way, and landed against his chest knife first. A shriek was produced by the creature as my kitchen knife slid surprisingly easy into its spongy, doughy body. But I didn’t wait for praise as I immediately withdrew my weapon and spun myself right around as I twirled using momentum and slashed another donut trooper across its spear, damaging it badly.

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The donut man whose spear was damaged screamed something like a curse and thrust it to me once more. I wasn’t in complete control of the situation; I let it jab at my chest with the damaged weapon and its candy corn tip merely smooshed against my chest cage and fell to the ground with a plop.

Again, the creature charged me, and I simply held it at arms length. It tried to strangle me with its stubby, black licorice arms, but I simply had to rest my hand against its forehead and push away, as if it were my little brother and we were playing keep away. After an amusing moment of this, I pushed back against it and threw the lightweight beast back against the beer bottle covered dinner table. It struggled to get up, couldn’t, and then gave up wiggling, deciding to flop around like some strange sticky fish slowly ‘jumping’ back to the broken door.

By now, the only donut spearmen left appeared to be weighing its options. It roared and lunged at me in what I assumed was some sentient bakery item suicide charge. But its efforts were for naught as the weird cat-butterfly creature which was on my head yowled and it instantly burned the spearman to a crisp.

“What the hell, man? You could have done that before? Why did I have to fight those freaks?” I angrily shouted at the creature rest atop my head.

“You know nothing, Human.” the creature said dismissively. “Come, we must flee. More feral beasts will be upon us soon, otherwise; get what imma saying, bruh?”

Confused more than ever why the creature’s diction changed from formal to surfer-bro, I didn’t have the time for questions. I just moved my feet and ran over the donut men on my apartment floor and bolted out of my once boring apartment.

But through it all, despite the drugs and despite the talking bag of seasoned tortilla chips, and even somehow despite the cat-butterfly and its donut assailants, the only thing I could wonder about was it my landlord would pay for the replacement windows and door? Running into the night, hearing unnatural howls from creatures I was pretty sure did not— or weren’t supposed to— exist, I doubted my landlord would be so kind.