Everything was a blur after Arras made it back. He was tired, so... So tired... Even if he wasn't running on complete empty, he just couldn't help it. He was physically tired, mentally tired, and almost magically exhausted.
Both he and Illia were quiet, because what was there to really say? They'd almost died. They WOULD have died, if that Beastkin, whoever they were, were just a little less overconfident. By now, his illusion magic had lost all steam, his reserves were at less than a tenth of what they normally would be... So, he got a few odd glances from the few soldiers that were still awake, but none of them had the gall to question a "noble". Another thing that Arras had going in his favor he supposed. He was thinking about a lot of those things after almost losing his most important one.
Practically stumbling into a tent, Arras tiredly stared at the man whom had delivered his orders merely an hour ago. He really wanted to go to sleep, to snuggle up to Illia and sleep the night away like it was a bad dream. He began to create a spell himself, but after feeling a stinging pain in his head, Illia raised a wing to his neck.
"I'll do it."
"..."
"...Arras's mission is complete. He's done what's been asked of him.
"Wonderful, your dedication and efficiency has been noted and will be rewarded acc..." Whatever he was saying, it sort of just trailed off in Arras's mind. He struggled to keep his eyes open as Illia just continued to... Yap on with them. How, how did she do it? She just went through what Arras went through, didn't she? Like, she didn't have some sort of body double taking her place did she? No, she didn't. Sure, she didn't use as much magic, or even really physically move around all that much. But...
"...If that's all, then we'll be taking our leave. May luck be on Arbre's side."
...Oh, she was affected. There were two modes for Illia. The one Arras liked to be around, and the one he wanted to keep at least ten feet away from him with illusion magic active for good measure. The reason he didn't like to be around the latter one, well, she was just... Overbearing. Her demeanor was oppressive. And for the circumstances that called for that behavior? That was a good thing, for the most part. Right now...? She wasn't showing it physically, but she often didn't. Her mental voice was softer spoken, quieter, and slower. In a show of consideration, Arras tilted his head ever so slightly to the side, resting against Illia's own.
He stepped out of the tent without having spoken a word. His fondness for Illia still only growing by the second. Which, he was hard pressed to understand. Because out of anything in his life, Illia had already been at the top of the "important" list. He really didn't understand why he cared for her so strongly. When exactly had it gone from being a mutually beneficial arrangement, to her being the single most valuable thing in his life? Well... Not understanding was a bit of a lie, she was there for him during tough times, she'd been with him for a whole lot of his life, they've shared secrets and stories, funny moments and jokes, good and tough times.
But... He'd done the exact same things with his family, maybe minus the tough times. So what gave? Why did he care so much? It was a difficult question, not made any easier by the urge to collapse on the spot. But... His tent was just a little further away, it wasn't that much more of a trek...
He also knew that Illia could hear everything going on in his head right now. Because he was currently using absolutely zero magic, but he for some reason, he really didn't care. If she wanted to listen in, that was perfectly fine. He didn't much care if Illia knew that he found her to be great company. So, he continued to question himself. What was up with his feelings about Illia? They were just friends, weren't they? They would be friends regardless of if they could help each other out or not at this point, so it was a genuine friendship. But, why did he like her so much?
When he saw that sword aimed straight for Illia, the thought of losing her had brought back a VERY upsetting memory. Specifically that of seeing Darai get attacked right before his eyes. So, what, was Illia just as valuable to him as his actual family now? Maybe even more? Even if he hadn't seen his family for a long while now, feeling even more strongly about somebody than his own family felt... Odd. It wasn't like names were magical, were they? Her letting him borrow her name didn't suddenly make her more favorable, did it?
Arras sighed as he nigh crawled into his tent. His artifact also just so happened to run out of juice literally right as he made it in. Great timing, on that part. So, in the usual rapid contortion of flesh, Arras continued to stumble forward towards the center of the tent. Illia also fluttered down by his side, her eyes fluttering as she wordlessly strode alongside Arras. And within the next few steps, he finally collapsed with a huff.
Illia settled next to him, as they usually would, but before Arras could fall asleep at record time, she directly spoke to him for the first time since they'd made it past the walls.
"...Arras?"
"...Yes?"
"Can... Can we talk about something?"
That felt... That felt important. Very important. Important enough for Arras to consider actually agreeing to it, instead of asking to just sleep. But then, a thought occurred to him. This question sounded so important, that it might've actually been better for him to sleep anyways so he could listen to it with a clear head. The question felt so important, that it looped right back around from asking to sleep to be rude, to actually be thoughtful instead of rude.
"Can it wait until morning...?"
He knew she got the context in that thought, because it was literally impossible for her to not.
"...Yeah, you're right... I... Good night."
Arras hesitated for a short, very brief moment, before scooting himself ever so slightly to the right.
"What-"
He snuggled in as close as he could. His tails wrapping around Illia's own, and his head resting against hers.
"Good night. And thank you, for everything."
"I... Uh... Of... Of course. Good-good night!"
HIs muzzle twisted upwards ever so slightly. After all, despite everything, they'd still made it. Well, her embarrassed as usual reaction was also pretty funny. He really didn't get that whole bit. Sure, he might've felt it a little odd to be this close maybe a few weeks ago, but after everything they'd been through together, why even bother with tact? He just wanted to be close, to feel that she was alive despite it all. That they'd really, truly, made it. The near death experience put a lot into perspective, and for this particular thing, for Illia?
With that new perspective, he knew what he wanted, regardless of whatever she was to him.
He wanted to be close.
...
When Arras next woke up, he wasn't alone. Well, he hadn't been alone when he fell asleep, obviously, but by not alone that meant a few other nobles were in the tent now. Though... When he counted, there were less then there had been the day before. Precisely by one. He wasn't sure if that was good or bad, but the one person he actually cared about who had been part of the group (Erickson) was still here, so he figured it would be fine. It was rather surprising that they were all here if they all had experiences as bad as Arras, but maybe he got the worst of it cause he was the first? Who knew.
Another slightly surprising result of the night, was that his tails were still wrapped around Illia's tail plume. He hadn't exactly put much thought into it, but that wasn't the most comfortable of positions for his tails to rest in. They were a little sore, but in that moment the warmth he felt in his chest had far outweighed the numbness of this moment, so he didn't really care. Regardless, his tails unwound themselves and rested evenly once more. Illia wasn't up yet either, but she was surprisingly relaxed given the events of the previous night. Actually, he was pretty relaxed all things considered himself.
He considered getting right back to practicing with his magic, but Arras just... Didn't want to get up, to be honest. It was way too dark out still. The sun had barely begun to rise. His internal clock may have been saying, "get up, it's go time!", but both halves of his brain, logical and emotional, were telling him to keep resting. Yesterday had been draining, he needed it. Besides, there would probably be a whole lot of-
BOOM
Nevermind.
He was up.
"Pff-Arras, what the hell?"
And the first thing he did was huddle even closer. That apparently woke Illia up as well, because her eyes were now cracked open and looking right at Arras with a confusing cocktail of emotions. Though, the main, and also rather apparent component, was concern.
"..."
"Oh... Yeah, the siege is still going on... You... Uh, didn't wake up at all during the night? I know I did... I figured you were still... Uhm... Staying that close cause you were nervous."
"No, I slept fine, but I thought that this would be-" BOOM "-OVER!... By now..." His tails once again began to thrash around as they searched for any purchase. They found it in the exact same position they'd held mere moments ago.
"Do you uh... Want some help...?"
"If you're capable..."
And then, yet another thought occurred.
"You... Don't think I'm using you, do you?"
He'd never picked up on anything like that, or anything even remotely close to that, but in recent memory the more transactional parts of their relationship had been rather... One sided. If he hadn't been in a bit of a spot, the thought might've not crossed Arras's mind, but they had initially worked together for their mutual benefit. It was honestly a rather silly concern, Arras knew that Illia knew how he felt about her at this point, but... This was a rather new feeling, he wasn't asking out of genuine concern... But, out of some kind of insecurity? An insecurity? Since when did he have those? Those were silly, little things that people around him felt for just about no reason. Arras was better than that, he knew he was.
"I... Nevermind, I apologize, that was a rather ridiculous question."
"...What?"
"I... I'm sorry, I don't know why I asked that. You obviously don't mind, I just..."
"No-I-I get it. That's a totally fair question. No, of course I don't think you're using me. How could I ever? You're... You're..."
"...?"
"I... No, I don't think you're using me."
"...Okay. I... Thanks, I suppose."
"No problem. Anyways, uh, gonna start b-" BOOM
He huddled in even closer.
"Sorry."
...
They remained like that for a long while. It did get a little easier to breathe once Arras didn't feel like shedding his skin instead of his hair, but he just couldn't manage to get himself to sleep no matter what he did. Neither could Illia, while she was using senses magic, so he supposed it balanced out. What's fair is fair.
Speaking of that, even with senses magic, his reaction to sudden noise like that couldn’t be completely dulled. By Illia’s explanation, it was just too fast, too sudden. From one moment, there was absolutely nothing. In the next, it was something she’d need to purge with all her might. So, he unfortunately had to sit and suffer for a bit. It was better than nothing though.
Anyways, for once in his life, Arras currently assumed he was feeling some sort of actual genuine embarrassment. Which, he found to be exceedingly strange, because once again, he'd never felt like this around any members of his family. Sure, he'd be upset, or affable, or playful, but he was never embarrassed about anything. No, that earlier unreasonable outburst... Outburst was an overstatement, but the point still stood. That earlier outburst had been completely out of the norm for Arras, and he could not put his paw on why he'd done it.
There was no logical explanation, there wasn't even really an emotional explanation either, not one that would make sense anyways. He knew how Illia felt, and she knew how he felt. There was no conflict, they literally had 24/7 access to each other's thoughts and feelings. But the fact still stood, that he had done it. So the question plagued him, what the hell was wrong with him?
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The debate was almost enough to distract him entirely from the occasional explosion ringing off in the distance. And, as they became more and more infrequent, it actually started to take his mind off of it for once. Though, out of all the things to be able to do it, he wasn't sure if this was what he wanted doing the job.
He needed to get up and move, he needed to work it out of his system. That was the only real way Arras could think of that would solve his issue. An issue of feeling as if he had done something wrong. Despite, well, having really not made any problems at all.
"Illia."
"Huh-yeah?"
"I think it's time to get up. Sun's high and it's starting to get a little hot in here." He reasoned as he once again began to untangle himself. The effort was certainly easier now that his body was working with him again. There was only a massive explosion every few minutes now instead of just about every time he thought about it, so forcing himself to cooperate was much more easy.
“Alright, that’s fair enough. But… Do you think you could wait, just a little longer?”
“...Why?”
“...No big reason, I guess.” She mumbled. Oddly enough, that was actually somewhat assuring to Arras. Because that had been exactly how he’d felt just a moment ago. Maybe he was being illogical, or unreasonable, or whatever, but it wasn’t like it was uncommon for other creatures. Maybe he was just the odd one out when it came to stuff like that. He wasn’t sure if it was good or bad, but he was sure that Illia landed far on the side of good things, so if she felt that way sometimes, surely it couldn’t really be that bad, could it?
“You know what? Sure. If you’d like to, it’s perfectly fine by me.”
He was fine with it. Even if the tent was starting to heat up somewhat, he was still comfortable. Wind magic was always an option anyway.
“O-oh! Okay… Uh, thanks?”
“You’re welcome.”
…
By the time that the duo was awake, entirely, up and attem, two other nobles had already left the tent. And everybody else who hadn’t left was also awake, yet also paying them no attention. Speaking of nobles present or not, that one noble still hadn’t returned, so Arras figured that didn’t exactly bode well.
He wasn’t quite sure if he hoped he wasn’t dead or not, Arras didn’t have much investment in the lives of these people, but he figured it was better for them to be alive instead of dead. People could do things if they were alive, they could create and innovate. Unless their death specifically served to further another’s life, it was rather a waste to, well, waste lives.
Regardless, after another explosion off in the distance, they made their way out into the blistering heat of the desert terrain.
“Would you like me to use my metamorphosis spell? I can’t imagine you’re comfortable with your talons in the sand. Especially with how hot it is.”
“I mean, if you’re comfortable with it.”
“Then, yes, you would like me to use it. Thank you for answering the question.” He rolled his eyes jokingly and once again began to transform. A moment later, he stood and stretched. It always took a short moment to get used to the new shape. Switching between walking on all fours and walking upright was also a little disorienting, but for some reason it didn’t take nearly as much practice as Arras thought it would.
Speaking of the new shape, curiously Arras noticed his skin had been changing somewhat. It had been rather pale before, whereas now it was somewhat darker across the board. It was curious, but he didn’t have much of a preference either way. If he had to say though, he did suppose it matched better with his clothes.
“Hello? Araia to Arras?” Illia’s wing smacked against Arras’s neck.
“Pardon?”
“I was asking if you were going to start using your wind magic?”
“Oh. My bad. I was just thinking about something.”
Not that Illia would know, now that he had the presence of mind for it he was filtering absentminded thoughts out of the link again. He shook his head clear, and with a wave of his hand, he began to circulate the air around them. Nice, cool, refreshing breeze.
“Man, you’d think I’m using you the way you cater to me out in this heat.”
“...Pardon?”
“Oh, nothing important. It’s just… Well, you don’t normally say stuff like that, it was honestly a little refreshing, to see you on the other end of the stick for once.”
“...Pardon???”
“Pff, forget it. It really doesn’t matter. It was just funny. You didn’t do anything wrong, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“If… If you say so…?”
What was this?
“I… How about we see how the ‘siege’ is going? The attacks have slowed down, so…”
“Oh, fair enough. The sooner that’s over the sooner we can go. So, uh, just head to the front of the camp and check it out?”
“Fair enough.” He breathed a figurative sigh of relief as Illia very clearly noticed his nervousness, but dropped it without further inquisition. He really just wanted to move on from this whole bit. It made him feel… For lack of a better word, icky.
Though even as he began to walk, it still lingered on the forefront of Illia’s consciousness. He didn’t just want to outright tell her to stop thinking about it… Because, that would be even more odd, why would he care about it? It was of almost no importance! Asking her to stop would just throw himself even deeper into this self dug pit. And, by obsessing over it like this he was just making it worse and-
“So, you remember how I wanted to talk to you about something, right?”
“...Yes?”
“How about we talk about that? You seem a little… Frazzled.”
Finally, the city came into view. And, well, what Arras saw shocked him. Enough for his thoughts to pause entirely.
Smoke, billowing up in the sky, flames everywhere. The wall broken open and great malformed pits of sand littered the ground. Dead bodies…
Arras frowned, surely those people had lives? What value did their deaths serve? Did their deaths extend the life of another? Did their pain serve to make anything else grow? What possible reason could there be, to extinguish the value of this many lives? What was important enough for such wastefulness?
His frown slowly transitioned into a scowl. At a minimum, that was a hundred people who would never go home. They had things to look forward to, didn’t they? Families that they had? Arras wasn’t so oblivious as to think otherwise. So, he had to wonder, what in the world could possibly be worth that much suffering?
And more pressing than that, had Arras himself contributed to that pain? He didn’t want anything to do with such senseless waste. Well, he probably didn't, to be fair, but it was a question still worth pursuing.
“In… In a moment, but… Illia?”
“...Yeah?” She quickly picked up on the somberness in his tone.
“Why is this happening? Is there even a good reason for this? Is there anything that could possibly be a good reason for all… This? And… Is some of this my fault?”
“...Oh, jeeze Arras… Well, I can’t say I was expecting you to suddenly care about these people… What happened to that indifference?”
“I don’t care about them… Well, I do. But… I’m having an odd morning, okay?”
“...Okay, just, explain at your own pace.”
“I do… Care, in some regard. Everybody has a family, don’t they? Every life has the potential to do something… To be something, or be something to someone. So… I guess it doesn’t really bother me that they died, per say… But, more so the way they died. Isn’t this just… Wasteful? Why is this happening?”
“That’s… Well, to be honest… From your point of view, I don’t think there is a justification. Certainly not one that you would find reasonable… So, let me ask you a question instead, alright? Is the value of your life higher than hundreds of strangers?”
“Well… I’d choose myself over them, if that’s what you’re asking. But… That’s a difficult question. In the kind of potential I’m thinking of… The ability to do something with your life, do I think I outweigh every other person that’s died…? No. No I don’t. That doesn’t matter though, I’d still choose to live if it came down to my life against their lives. It’s just… Why did they need to die? What purpose did their deaths serve?
Illia hesitated for a good, long, few seconds. “...Well… At least for this war…? No, Arras, there was almost no reason for all this death. It was pride. Efiramus overstepped its bounds while negotiating trade deals, and Arbre lashed out. These deaths were all just to prove a point. I doubt you’d understand the nuance, but it was done to reinforce Arbre’s own power and authority, to increase its reputation after having been slighted.”
“...Why does its power need to be reinforced? Isn’t this ‘Kingdom’ already a cooperative effort of thousands upon thousands of people?”
“That’s… People aren’t perfect, Arras. They don’t just unite under a single flag for no reason.”
“Why not? Isn’t a Kingdom built by those very same people? To protect themselves from outside threats? Why would they ever… Do this?”
“That’s just… Not how it works Arras.”
“...Why not?”
“It’s been generations, times change. That might’ve been Arbre in its establishment, but nothing ever stays the same.”
“...”
Another explosion rocked the already mangled city.
“...And I helped cause this?”
“Not… Exactly…”
“I was the very first part of this siege, wasn’t I?”
“Well… Yes, but even if you had refused to work with them they would’ve…”
“Would’ve what?”
“Found… Somebody else…”
“Who?”
“...”
“I don’t think I like war, Illia.”
Arras’s head tilted down as another flash of orange rocked the battered land.
“This is awful. What senseless violence.”
“...Yeah.”
The question could wait. The mood had been buried alive.
…
Arras felt strongly about nothing. He just couldn’t muster any effort for anything. More than anything, he just felt… Sad. He felt ashamed. Why had he just gone along with what he was being told? Was this really what he had wanted? Hundreds, maybe thousands of lives, snuffed out, and for what?
Sure… His life might be better for it… But at a certain point, how many deaths did it take for something to stop being worth it? He supposed that, maybe a few weeks ago this really wouldn’t have bothered him that much. But… Arras had learned of the lives that these other creatures lived. They weren't mindless, beings to be culled at his whim. Their lives, in their eyes, were just as valuable as his own was to him.
His perspective had been expanded, whether he liked it or not. He saw the lives that these people lived. And he understood that they existed just like him. He wouldn’t hesitate to kill, to extend his own life, or to better it. It wasn’t as if he personally knew any of his enemies, or even really cared about them. But once again, at a certain point the death toll was distasteful...
Sure, Arras would kill for his next meal. And he wouldn’t hesitate. If it was necessary for him to survive, it was necessary and it had to be done. That life would be snuffed out to fuel his own. If he perhaps had to fight a group of enemies, in order to protect his way of life? He would fight. He wouldn’t regret it either. But, this? Hundreds and hundreds… For... Nothing. He retreated back to his tent. He considered practicing his magic, but even that felt somewhat hollow. He wouldn’t make much progress like this and he knew it. He could also feel Illia’s concern, but he just… He couldn’t manage to make an effort.
He would… Maybe be fine, some time in the future. But for now… He was disappointed in himself. Had he truly been so indifferent to putting in effort, to understand, to comprehend, that he had allowed-ENABLED this senseless slaughter? This whole barrage of emotions was new, entirely so. Yet despite disliking them, Arras couldn’t bring himself to force them out of mind. He messed up. He surely could've done something different, something other than... This. Sure, he had a contract to be loyal to Arbre, or whatever. One that likely couldn't be broken... But... There had to have been something else he could've done.
Regardless, it was too late by now. So... All he could do, was sit there in silence amongst the other nobles. His conflict showed physically, which was a rare sight. Most of Arras's emotional changes were entirely contained in his thoughts. As a result, he generally had a resting neutral face... But, well, now it was a resting frown. He still hadn't disabled his metamorphosis spell, but only because he hadn't thought to do as much. He... Honestly just wanted to lie down and sleep this off.
So at last, he finally cancelled his spell when he realized it had still been active. And with a dejected thump, he laid down and settled down onto the ground.
"Excuse me. Is Sir Veile alright?"
Arras's head lazily turned in the direction of Eric's voice. He... Didn't really want to talk right now, surely it could wait?
Illia turned her head as well, but she didn't include Arras in whatever link she established. There was a short gap of silence, as Illia completely stopped any feedback from her and Arras's link. But, then she patched Erickson into it.
"I hear you're struggling, somewhat."
"..."
"Oh dear. What happened? That's a far cry from your dry sense of humor."
"...Illia, why?"
"...Because I'm worried about you. You're... Never like this. This can't just be about people dying, can it? You've killed before, I don't see why this is getting to you so badly."
"Illia. What I've killed, I've killed for a reason. If there's a reason for something's death, I can accept that. It's necessary, it must be done. But, you already told me. There was no real reason for all of this, I would never enact violence on a scale like this... Or well, I suppose I would."
"Arras... You didn't... Do this, you just..."
"Made it possible."
"You don't even know that! Things would've happened the same regardless of if you helped or not, you probably saved lives by making it easier!"
"..."
"She is right, you know. This is a rather foolish thing to be upset over. Regardless of your feelings on the matter, this would've happened no matter what. The nation of Efiramus sealed its fate with its own hubris."
"...I just... I'm not upset, I'm disappointed. Disappointed in myself, disappointed in this senseless waste of life. I thought... I thought things were better than this. Despite all of societies faults... I thought it was better than this. I..."
Thought I was better than this. I thought I was better.
"Walk with me."
"...Why?"
"You wished to be friends, did you not? Consider this advice from a friend."
"...Okay."
...
"Look, and tell me, what do you see?"
"A waste." Arras mumbled back. The city was quiet now, the screams of battle and bloodshed had long since abated. No more explosions, anybody left had submitted. They would likely be heading inside soon.
"Indeed. A waste of life, is always a sad thing. Life has infinite possibilities, but for each individual claimed an infinite amount of futures are snuffed out. Such is the natural order of things."
"This is natural?" Arras's heart sunk.
"No. War is cruel, almost certainly unnecessary. Yet it comes all the same. Why do you think that is?"
"...I don't know."
"Ignorance. Ignorance comes in a great many ways Arras. At some point, we're all guilty of it. But, in my humble opinion? It is one's duty in life to diminish it as much as they can, to the utmost. Do you wish to stop things like this from happening?"
"...Are you saying I can?"
"There... May be something that can be arranged. Tell me, how much do you know about the Ephimarus Barony?"
"I don't know anything about this Kingdom's nobles." He just laid it out bare.
"Hm. Well, as a Barony with higher standing, we manage some of the education recruitment for the academy. Do you know how it is that you stop these mistakes?"
Arras figured he might as well play along with the question. "...No, how?"
"Education, bettering those who stand to lead the future. From what little we've spoken, you seem to possess a keen mind, and the magical knowledge to back it up. This may simply be false hope, but, should the opportunity arise... Would you like to try your hand at finding a position in the academy? If you detest this waste of life, why not try to create a better future yourself? At worst, you simply wouldn't qualify for any positions. At best, you serve to increase the standing of our families, and to help enact change you wish to see."
"...Teaching?"
"Yes, if you know little, you would obviously need to learn a few things yourself, but you are skilled Arras. Knowledge of eleven different magics is no small feat, you would be valued, if only for your knowledge. But you also possess a high degree of skill with half of them as well. Should you prove your competence, you will be given ample opportunity."
"Is that so...?"
"I guarantee it."
Arras stared for a long, few moments at the city. Flames still quietly burned on the walls, and the sand seemed to be just a little redder.
"...Very well."
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