“Sheng Tran. Age, sixteen. Length, one sixty. Wei...”, “Pass.” I interrupted her. Being one sixty had nothing to do with the job I had in mind. She gave me a look but placed Tran on the ‘no thank you’ pile that was flourishing.

She picked up the next paper, and read “Bruno Carrillo,” pausing dramatically. Waiting for me to reject him on name alone. I wasn’t that shallow. Not getting the response she wanted she continued “Age, twenty. Length, one eighty-five. Weight, fifty-nine…”, “Pass” I interrupted again.

She gave me another questioning look. So I sighed and explained, “If I say, for example, that our friend Bernard could walk straight through Bruno, being light as a feather, would you disagree?”

She thought on that, and without a word, she put Bruno on the no thank you pile. Then she continued with the next one.

“Abner Aguilar. Age, seventeen. Length, one eighty-six. Weight, seventy-five. Description, has been struggling with his homosexuality since entering adolescence…” She paused here. Looking at me like she expected me to reject the man based on his sexual preferences.

I couldn’t care less, so I said “The wrong type of dinosaur. I have an aversion against new things and technology. My only opinion on being gay is how it could complicate the team coherence. So please continue and read me the rest of his info.”

“Full of surprises. All right, so where was I, yes, adolescence.” She paused and coughed to intone she was about to continue. Then read out loud “Is determined to not let his sexuality stand in the way of his passion and his will to win. It is thus unfortunate he is not great at the game he loves so much. But not for a lack of trying.” This time she paused to read through his attributes. “He has an eleven in work rate and determination. But only the minimal in the other Attributes we were looking at. He does have a twelve in both agility and balance. The rest is about the same as Bernard. Has a three point two on average in total. Paper says he is a midfielder?” She finished with the question.

This was a decent candidate. At least something I could work with.

“Yeah, a midfielder who can’t pass for shit. Sure. Put him on the Yes pile for the defense. This guy has potential. I dare say he is even better than Bernard.” I said while pointing to the pile which contained one lonely paper.

There were only two papers left on the unread pile.

One was a fifteen-year-old called Dewey Plumber, who made all the required attributes by a small margin. A small margin that separated him from being utter trash. It was the difference between all ones and sometimes a two, or all two’s and sometimes a three. He averaged on a two-point-five, good enough for his age and my lowered standards.

He was decent for what we were looking for. Which was a benchwarmer who could grow into something better. He was two years younger than the others but only a bit behind Bernard’s quality. That both his mom and dad were plumbers, and that his will to win came from a desperate desire to not become a plumber, made it an even better pick. Who was I to deny a small boy, on his way to redeem himself from fate? That and I might get a discount through his connections.

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The other one was quite the surprise. First, because Pearl Greenwood was a she. This didn’t take me off guard as I had seen many she’s in the pile. What surprised me was when Riley said “You know girls can be as good as guys in T.E.A.M. right? Please give this one a chance. I know you are all for the team spirit and whatever, but she has a three-point nine on average and... “ She got none further as I got up at lightning speed and tore the paper form her hand.

“Stop blabbering girl and let me look at this genius,” I shouted at her. Leaving her behind with her mouth open and her brows raised like she saw fireworks for the first time. I ignored the teen and sat down again, reading the page out loud. It was a godsend.

“Pearl Greenwood. Age, sixteen. Length, one seventy-eight. Weight, seventy-five. Description, feeling an extreme will to win since birth she has ruined many a game of monopoly. Having a dad who pushed her to be as happy as she can and a mother who approves of her choice of career. She is the poster child of every suburb. Attributes… Holy fuck.”

So aside from the standard work rate, teamwork, and determination being a respective ten, eleven and thirteen. She had a fifteen in positioning, a thirteen in decisions, an eight in tackling. The icing on the cake was that she had an eight in passing and a ten in Long pass. Her mental attributes were halfway decent. The rest was as trashy as the rest but these attributes alone made my confidence in the whole team go up ten times. We needed her. Everything about her screamed sweeper. Her physical attributes were lacking though. Compared to the other three, she was like a child compared to an adult. We needed to fix that. She could be gold if she could play the zone behind the defense.

“Please don’t smile like that. Gives me bad vibes.” Riley said, her nose scrunched up like she smelled something funky.

She got me out of my worship, and I felt slightly ashamed I had reacted so enthusiastically to a player only better than utter doo doo.

“Mind your own business. Assistant.” I said. Half joking, the other half dead serious she should fuck off.

“Fuck you.” She replied. Her face looking like she was about to explode. I was not sure why, but tantrums should not go rewarded.

“Ow, real mature. Better act nicer if you want to keep your job, assistant!” I tried to push her buttons. See what I got back. Test the waters. I needed to know how far she would let me push. It was only healthy for our work relationship.

“You can stuff that assistant crap up your fucking ass.” She screamed and logged off.

Well then. Not very far. May need to apologize again… Should do it when Norma is there so she can look at me again with those, ‘I have gone mad’ eyes. If I score points like that, I can stay longer. Crap, what if that emotional wreck asks Norma to kick me out? She would… Dammit!

There was no time to log off though. I needed to make progress. Today I would finish this freaking team!

I stood up and placed the papers of Pearl and Dewey on the yes please pile. Ever heard of that joke about a Woman, a Brute and a Gay man standing in the heart of the defense? Weirdest love triangle I ever seen. Twilight eat your heart out.

Now I only needed two keepers, three backs and an extra sweeper to complete the defense, and I would need to do it alone. Every disadvantage had its advantages. I didn’t have to explain everything to a clueless teenager anymore. Thus I could leisurely browse through the leftover players. Absolute bliss.