I opened the front door. It was pitch black inside but there was nothing to tumble over. I continued my way through the hall, not even caring about spreading dirt around the room yet again. The cleaning lady had assessed my house as a doable job the last time. That was after the mud boots incident. I doubted she minded this time. On the contrary. She no doubt loved it as she didn't need to lie anymore about what she had been doing in those four hours she said she was cleaning my house. Well, not lie to me of course. I didn't pay her bills. Paying the bill after watching her sit around and call her girlfriends for two hours was not something I would do. Letting my daughter pay for it though. The pitiful cleaning lady needed the cash. I could relate. She even offered me a hand job to keep quiet. I declined like the gentlemen I was.

I pressed my hand on the light switch and my living room came out of the darkness and into bad fluorescent lights. It kind of looked like those old Turkish tea houses. Devote of all ambiance but light in every corner. It had been there when I got the place and I had yet to find someone to replace it. For free. Not on the list of priorities.

With great care, I placed the plastic bag in my favorite chair. I had two. One was hideous. The other comfortable. Only one was my favorite.

Now I had a decision to make. Should I put the helmet on and just skip dinner all together or be reasonable and eat my vitamins first? Old people should be reasonable. I sighed and walked to the fridge. Pulled the door open, looked through its contents and decided on the healthiest meal in it. I went to the oven and pushed the pre-heat button onto two hundred and twenty degrees.

It was an old timer but fancy enough for my tastes. It beeped within the five-second mark and I placed the deep freeze pizza, salami, into it. Ahh single life, you magnificent self-destructing creature. I hadn't eaten a home-cooked meal in two years. It was fun when you were in College or University. At my age, it just gave me chronic diarrhea, but I couldn't bake an egg even if my life depended on it. You had to stand there and watch it turn into something editable. Who had time for that? Chronic diarrhea wasn't that bad when you get used to it. at least now I didn't have to push anymore. Hemorrhoids happy, me happy, doctor happy.

I took the pizza out and onto a plate while cursing myself for not using protection. I bet George did that daily. Anyway. I got out of the kitchen and was about to sit down when I remembered that Digi me was occupying my favorite seat. I thought for a moment, looked at the antique, back at the comfortable one, and to the antique again.

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You have taken enough from me Digi me! No more! I placed the plate with deliciousness on a box. Removing the plastic bag from the recliner and placing it on the ground where it belonged. Grabbing the plate, I sat down and sighed. What a day.

I took a bite. Cursing myself at almost the same instant as hot lava-like melted cheese burned itself into all corners of my mouth. The piece of pizza flying through the room moments later, landing on the plastic bag as karma would have it.

"Goddammit, how fucking long have you been eating fucking pizza! Get a hold of yourself old man!" I yelled into the room. The next piece of hotness got an extensive blow job. By the time, it entered my mouth I was ready. Ah sausage, you delish. Enjoying the food I closed my eyes. I didn't know I had been this hungry, but after a short five minutes the fun was over and it filled me to the brim.I placed the plate on the same box as before, giving lady Cleanmyhouse more work as the good Samaritan I was.

It was time. I looked at the plastic bag. Stew had said the only thing I had to do was put it on my head. The batteries would last a month, so I had to plug them in for an hour before that. That was it. No manuals to go through. Just put it on and enjoy the show. I bowed my waist, the belly giving just enough wiggle room to reach the bag. I felt like a fat man grabbing for burgers. But who was I to doubt my image? My chubby fingers wrapped around the plastic, and I dragged the heavy load back up. Removing the plastic. The blue, sort of helmet, came back into view.

Life was weird. I grabbed the side of the helmet with my left hand while placing my right on the edge underneath. While I was ready to put it on, I stared at it instead. This was so surreal. It had only been two weeks since I had said goodbye for good. Now I could see it again, smell it again. Work on it again. I couldn't help but be doubtful underneath the excitement. But I had to know. I pushed the heavy gear into the air and my head slit in without flaw. Made for each other. The foam inside had adjusted to the measurements my Digitize card contained. As my world turned dark I waited. Stew had told me to wait. It would detect my head and start its processes. I leaned back in the recliner. My feet up. Comfortable for the new adventure. A flash of light, the sound of ventilation jumping on, and three simple words greeted me.

“Welcome, Old Bastard.”