– o – o – o – o – o – o – o –
The graveyard was a symphony of hisses, roars, and the unsettling noise of dirt being forcefully displaced. Another set of hands burst through the ground, clawed fingers scrabbling against a cold tombstone for leverage. "Motherf-!" Xander bit back the curse as he crabwalked away, scuttling away frantically.
Did he say fight them? What the- I'm not Buffy! Xander screamed mentally as much as he did audibly, his heart pounding in his chest as he scrambled backwards, the damp grass staining his jeans. This is insane! He glanced up at the entrance to the cemetery over a dozen meters away only to realize that Sam was nowhere to be seen, his jaw dropping open as he realized the so-called "devil" had left him alone surrounded by bloodsuckers. I'm not a Slayer, I'm not even a sidekick! I can't fight vampires!
As Xander backed up, terror spiking with each demonic hiss, he twisted to look behind him, only to meet another grave being torn open as its undead resident crawled out the ground. He let out a high-pitched shriek, more girlish than he'd ever ever admit to, reversing direction with a speed that would've impressed any high school gym coach. He crawled, hands and knees digging into the cold, hard soil, desperate to put distance between himself and the hungry dead.
Son of a-! Xander's mind raced, his thoughts a frantic mess of panic and disbelief.
His escape route was cut off by a new obstacle, as a head covered in bright, dirt-caked long blond hair thrust itself out from a nearby grave. "F-fuck!" The word burst from him in a panicked exhale as he staggered to his feet, his eyes darting between the three freshly risen vampires. "How many vampires are in this town?"
"I don't know," quipped a female vampire with a smirk that didn't reach her cold eyes and her black hair in a short bob. She stepped forward, her movements fluid and predatory, like a cat stalking its prey. "But we'll make sure to do a headcount for you after dinner, as a courtesy."
Great, a comedian, Xander thought, rolling his eyes as the fear took a slight back seat to his annoyance. I'm about to be eaten by a vampire, and she's making jokes. Stick to your role, lady.
Xander's usual sarcastic self found its footing as his brain relied on instinct, his voice calm and sardonic despite the terror in his veins. "That'll make my job as demon census taker so much easier, thank you," he shot back, even as his voice quivered slightly. His eyes darted around the graveyard, searching for an escape route, a weapon, anything that could give him an advantage.
The second vampire, a brown-haired college-age guy in a blue polo, hissed in a stop-starting way that, combined with the shaking of his shoulders, Xander could quickly and easily recognize as a laugh. Wow, I should work demon comedy clubs. I'd kill.
"Enough talk, let's eat!" the third vampire growled, stepping forward with a menacing snarl. His face was twisted into the demonic visage of the undead, ridges and fangs distorting his features into something monstrous.
Xander faced the third, his expression a mix of incredulity more than fear. "...really, dude?" he blurted out, scrutinizing the vampire's overly dramatic, goth-like outfit. "You were really planning for this whole bloodsucker thing, weren't you? Like, come on, black eyeshadow, all black clothes, with a black leather trench? July was a couple weeks ago."
The vampire paused, seemingly unsure how to take that. His demonic visage twisted in a scowl, the ridges on his forehead deepening as he glared at Xander. "It's n-It's not like tha-" he stammered.
That's right, keep 'em talking, Xander thought, his mind racing as he tried to buy himself some time. If I can just keep them distracted long enough, maybe I can find a way out of this. Or at least, a way to not die horribly.
"In Sunnydale?" Xander continued, his nervous energy fueling his rapid-fire banter. He gestured around at the graveyard with a smile on his face. "You'd think you'd try to blend in more, but nope. Gotta go full Lestat, huh?"
"This is what I usually wear, you kn-" the vampire tried to defend, his frustration mounting. His hands clenched into fists at his sides, the pale skin stretched taut over the knuckles. "You don't know what you're tal-"
"Like, look at Thing One and Thing Two over here," Xander interrupted, gesturing dismissively between the other two vampires, his heart pounding in his chest as he realized he was running out of material. Come on, Harris, think of something! "They're dressed like, you know, people. People with common sense, not freakazoids." He barely suppressed a smirk, noticing the visible discomfort on the bottle blonde demon's face. If I die, at least I'll die as I lived. Mocking the forces of darkness.
The vampire's face darkened, his embarrassment shifting quickly to anger as he glanced at his companions—who struggled to maintain their menacing demeanors amid stifled snickers. After a tense moment, he turned back to Xander, a low, dangerous growl spilling from his throat.
Uh oh, Xander thought, his bravado faltering as he saw the murderous glint in the vampire's eyes. May have pushed my luck a little too far.
"That's it. Kill 'im."
"Fuck."
He took off running before the vampires did, an action that probably saved his life as the wannabe Lestat roared and leapt at him.
The echo of his own heartbeat thundered in Xander's ears as he bolted through the fog-draped cemetery, the cold mist swirling around him as he booked it. His breath puffed out in frantic bursts, the cold air nipping at his lungs as he dashed through the maze of graves. How in the hell am I supposed to fight demons? he thought, mind racing as fast as his legs.
Laughter, dark and menacing, followed him—three vampires finding amusement in his terror. They fanned out, a tactical move to corral him, each of them moving with a predatory grace as he tried to find an escape route through the headstones. Their laughter grew even louder, a sound that sent shivers down his spine.
This is bad, this is so bad, Xander's mind screamed as he pushed himself to run faster, his heart pounding in his chest like a jackhammer. I'm not cut out for this, I'm not a hero. I can literally blame the devil for this.
Xander's panic spiked as he realized he couldn't keep running. The vampires' strategy was clear—they were effectively herding him, driving him towards a particularly shadowy part of the cemetery. The fog there was denser, cloaking everything more than a few feet away in a blanket of gray. They're trying to trap me, he thought, his eyes darting around frantically as he tried to spot a way out. They're gonna box me in, and then…
He didn't want to think about what would happen then. He'd seen enough horror movies to know that being trapped in a dark, foggy graveyard with a bunch of hungry vampires was not a good place to be.
Suddenly, Xander's foot caught on a low-lying grave marker, sending him stumbling forward. He regained his balance just in time to see the blonde vampire sprinting towards him, face monstrous as ever. His mind screamed at him to move, to do anything but stand like a deer in headlights.
Move, Harris, move! he yelled at himself, his body frozen in place as the vampire closed in. You're gonna die if you don't do something!
With a burst of adrenaline, Xander turned and sprinted towards a large, gnarled tree. Its branches loomed overhead, casting gnarled shadows on the ground. He pressed his back against the rough bark, breathing hard, his eyes darting around for any sign of escape.
The blonde vampire, wild greasy hair reflecting the moonlight like a halo, lunged forward with claws extended, a blur of motion aimed straight for Xander's throat.
Xander's instincts screamed, and he leaped off the tree—an explosive, unthinking jump that had him over the vampire's swipe, clearing the attack by at least half a dozen feet and nearly soaring through the air.
Holy shit! Xander's mind reeled as he felt himself propelled upwards, his body moving with a speed and agility he'd never experienced before. What the hell was that?
He dropped heavily on the other side, the impact jarring his bones. The ground beneath him was cold and slightly damp with evening dew and he managed to roll on it into a three-point landing, his hands pressing into the soft earth, his body coiled and ready to spring up again.
Xander looked down at his hands, his mind racing. He was breathing heavily, not just from the run but also from the fact that... I jumped... like, superhero jumped.
Stunned, he continued to stare down at his hands, one of them planted firmly on the cold, damp earth, his mind struggling to process what had just happened. Did I really just leap over a vampire like I was freakin' Spider-Xan?
"What the hell was that?" The girl vampire shouted as she neared Xander's place with the polo-wearing frat boy of a vampire right behind her. Her face was twisted in a mix of shock and anger, confusion noticeable as a strong third.
"I don't know, but I want him dead!" The greasy bottle blond let out another roar and, with only that as warning, he leaped again.
Shit! Instinct roared in Xander's brain and the teenager rolled to the side, scrambling to his feet as Greasy Lestat slammed face-first into a tombstone, a roar of pain leaving the vampire's maw.
I've got superpowers, and I'm fighting vampires in a graveyard. Weirder things have happened. I can't think of any right now but I definitely will. He didn't have time to dwell on it, though, as the other two vampires closed in, their faces twisted in snarls of rage. The girl was faster than the younger guy, her limbs a blur as she lunged for him, her claws outstretched.
Xander reacted on instinct, his body moving almost before his mind could catch up. He ducked under her swipe, his newfound speed and agility allowing him to avoid her attack with ease. As he came up, he lashed out with a punch, his fist connecting with her jaw with a satisfying crack.
I just punched a vampire! The thought burst into his mind as a manic laugh burst from his lips, the vampiress grunting as she held her jaw in pain. And it actually hurt her!
His mind reeled even as his body continued to move almost instinctively, ducking around the frat vamp's wild swing. The polo-wearing vampire in the backwards cap came at him again from the side, and Xander spun to face him, his body moving with a grace and power he'd never felt before.
I can fight, he thought, a grin spreading across his face as his confidence surged. Bring it on, bloodsuckers.
Blondy McGoth let out a feral roar, his rage audible as he rose again, the demon adjusting his nose back into place with a loud crack. In a show of brute strength, he wrenched a headstone from the earth, the stone visibly cracked from his earlier collision with it. With another, louder roar, he hurled it at Xander like a discus.
Oh, shit! Xander's mind screamed as he saw the massive chunk of rock hurtling towards him.
The teenager ducked instinctively, the headstone whizzing just inches above his head. He almost dropped into a full split, the movement awkward and more painful than he expected as his heart pounded in his ears from the near-miss. Okay, note to self: work on flexibility, he thought, wincing as he felt the burn in his muscles.
The frat boy vampire, decked out in a blue cap, yelped and dove to the ground. His eyes widened in alarm as the headstone sailed over him, crashing with a loud thud against another grave marker, sending shards of stone scattering across the dewy grass.
"Damn it!" Interview with a Gothpire let out a loud curse, the sound echoing off the tombstones. Anger flashed in his yellow undead eyes as he charged towards Xander, his clawed fingers stretched out menacingly.
Xander's mind raced, barely registering his own movements as he sidestepped the vampire's initial lunge. I'm faster than them, he realized, feeling the rush of his movements, the ease with which he avoided the vampire's attacks. A little at least.
Is that Evil Piece thing that strong? he wondered, his brain struggling to keep up with his body. Is this part of the whole Devil package? I can't say I hate it.
The fight escalated quickly, Xander fighting almost entirely on instinct at this point. He blocked a swipe from the blond vampire, the demon's long hair fluttering like a greasy cape behind him. The vampire, dressed all in black, snarled and aimed another hit, which Xander also managed to block with a raised forearm. Stronger and tougher too, he realized. Tony's hit me harder than that after the Chargers lose a game.
Seizing the moment, Xander countered with a swift, double-fisted hammer blow to both of the vampire's temples. The impact was solid, sending a shock up his arms as the vampire's head rocked to the side. A grunt of pain escaped the leech's lips as he staggered back, momentarily disoriented.
"Hey, you stupid leech," he shouted out, dodging another blow he quickly responded to with a hasty kick. "How does it feel being a vampire? Just for the census."
"It feels like drinking your blood!" the frat boy vampire snarled.
Note to self: Taunt vampires more, Xander thought, grin wide and manic even as he barely managed to avoid another swipe of the vampire's claws. They're so full of themselves, it's the funniest thing ever.
Despite his newfound strength and his enjoyment of the fight, Xander's lack of training was costing him as he often moved clumsily, his reactions more desperate dodges than skilled footwork. The first vamp, the girl with short black hair and a mocking smirk, managed to land a solid punch to Xander's side that knocked the wind out of him, pain flaring across his ribs.
Fuck me running, that hurt, he gasped, doubling over for a moment, but recovered quickly. He straightened, pain igniting a fierce determination within him as he dodged another incoming swipe from the wannabe Count, who had recovered and rejoined the fight with a score to settle.
The fight was messy, Xander's movements uncoordinated but still somehow effective. He ducked under a wild swing, felt the whoosh of air as a fist passed just above his head, and used his momentum to deliver a hard elbow to the stomach of the short-haired vampire. The demon doubled over, hissing in pain.
Okay, you can do this, Xander thought, his breath coming in sharp gasps as he faced off against the three vampires. You've got the power, you've got the moves. You just need to put it all together and kick some undead ass.
"Enough of this!" the Gothpire growled, shaking off the effects of the hammer blow. The vampires regrouped, their expressions a mix of frustration and newfound caution. They circled Xander slowly, eyes on him as they hissed like animals.
They're getting smarter, Xander realized, his heart pounding in his chest as he watched the vampires circle him. They know I'm not just some easy meal.
He glanced around, looking for anything he could use as a weapon. A broken branch, a sharp piece of stone, anything. Aha! His eyes locked onto a large piece of shattered headstone, the rock lying flat on the ground thanks to the angry goth's tantrum a minute ago.
Okay, Harris, he told himself, his mind racing as he tried to come up with a plan. You can't just keep dodging forever. You gotta take the fight to them.
He looked at the vampires, studying their movements, their positions. The blonde one was still the most aggressive, his face twisted in a snarl of rage. The girl was more cautious, her eyes darting between Xander and her companions. And the frat boy...
Wait a minute, Xander thought, his eyes widening as he noticed something. Frat boy's favoring his right leg. I must have hurt him when I knocked him down earlier.
A plan began to form in Xander's mind, a desperate, crazy plan that had about a 50/50 chance of getting him killed. But it was better than nothing, and right now, nothing was all he had.
This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.
Alright, Harris, he thought, taking a deep breath as he readied himself. Time to channel your inner Buffy. Let's do this.
With a yell that was equal parts fear and determination, Xander charged forward, heading straight for the frat boy vampire. The demon's eyes widened in surprise, clearly not expecting such a bold move.
Xander didn't give him time to react.
With a burst of speed, he dropped low, sweeping his leg out in a move he'd seen the small blonde do the night before. His foot connected with the vampire's injured leg, sending him tumbling to the ground with a howl of pain.
His hand snatched the jagged piece of stone from the ground and he immediately lashed out with a harsh downward thrust, twisting it inside the bloodsucker's chest. With a look of surprise and a pained gasp, the frat boy's eyes widened and an instant later, he was nothing but dust on the soil.
One down, Xander thought, a grim smile on his face as he rose to his feet with his new weapon in hand and spun to face the other two vampires, both looking at him with shocked faces. Two to go.
"Shit, vampire slayers are real!" A feminine voice yelled out, the words cutting through the calm of his first kill of the night.
Regaining focus, Xander spotted the female vampire—the one with mocking eyes—turning to flee, her movements a blur of speed as she tried to escape the unexpected threat. Oh no you don't, he thought, his legs moving before his mind could even fully process what he was doing.
Instinctively, he sprinted after her, his newly enhanced speed making him a blur as he closed the distance between them in a matter of seconds. The world seemed to narrow to a tunnel, his focus solely on the fleeing vampire as he pushed himself to move faster, to catch her before she could escape.
As he gained on her, he leaped, his body moving with a grace and power he was still getting used to. He tackled her to the ground with surprising force, the impact sending them both tumbling across the damp grass and dirt. They hit the ground hard, the impact knocking the wind out of both of them as they rolled to a stop.
"Waitwaitwai-" she attempted to plead, her voice muffled by soil as her face was pressed against the ground, Xander's weight pinning her down.
"One less vamp for the census," he muttered, his breath heaving as he raised the rock in his hand and straddled her back.
Without hesitation, Xander thrust the rock through her ribcage from behind, using all of his newfound strength to drive it all the way through her heart. There was a brief, pained gasp, and then another cloud of dust as another vampire crumbled beneath him, leaving nothing but a pile of ash.
Finally, only the goth vampire remained, looking far less terrifying than he had ever been. As Xander turned to confront him, the vampire's eyes widened with fear, his bravado and swagger completely gone in the face of the unexpected threat.
"Wait, wait, wait, can we talk about this, bro?" he stammered, backing up toward the very tree where Xander had been cornered earlier, his hands held up in a gesture of surrender. His voice had lost all its previous drama and gravitas, the guy sounding more like a grocery store clerk than an undead monster. "I'm new. I haven't killed anybody. This is like... I dunno, murder."
"Murder?" Xander shot back, a cold rush of determination filling him as he stalked towards the vampire, his eyes narrowed and his jaw set. "You drink people, asshole. You're already dead. This is just pest control."
Ignoring the vampire's pleas, he charged, his feet pounding against the ground as he closed the distance between them in a matter of seconds. He tackled the vampire with all the force of his newfound demonic strength, the impact sending them both crashing into the tree with a sickening crunch.
As they collided with the trunk, a sharp branch broke free, the jagged end finding its mark in the vampire's chest as if guided by some unseen force. There was a brief, gurgling sound, a look of shock and pain on the vampire's face, and then nothing but dust as he met his end, his body crumbling to ash in Xander's grip.
Panting, gasping for air, Xander leaned against the tree, his shirt ripped, and his brow sweaty. His hair was a mess, sticking to his forehead in damp clumps, and his hands trembled slightly from the exertion and shock of the fight. I did it, he thought, a sense of disbelief and awe washing over him as he stared at the piles of dust that had once been his attackers. I actually did it. I killed them all.
"What the hell was that?" he muttered, his voice barely above a whisper as he pushed himself off the tree, his legs shaking slightly as he took a step forward.
"That, my new blood friend, is the power and instincts of a devil," a familiar calm voice sounded out from behind him, the words cutting through the eerie stillness of the graveyard like a knife.
"Son of a-!" Xander exclaimed, startled into action, his heart leaping into his throat at the sudden intrusion. His body reacted before his brain could process the interruption, launching him three feet off the ground in a surprise jump that would have made any basketball player green with envy.
Who needs stairs when you can just freak out? he thought to himself as he landed back on solid earth, his feet hitting the ground with a soft thud.
He spun around to face the newcomer, his eyes locking with the unsettling calm blue of Samuel as the devil stood there with that same amused smirk that seemed to be his default look. Seriously, does this guy have any other facial expressions? Xander wondered.
"You've got a lot of nerve showing up like this again," Xander demanded, his voice ringing with both accusation and curiosity as he took a step forward, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. "Where'd you go? You just left me here to fend for myself against a bunch of bloodsuckers with a sudden case of superpower-itis."
"Here and there," Sam replied vaguely, his smirk widening as he waved a hand in a dismissive gesture that only served to irritate Xander further. "How'd you like your first fight?"
Xander shook his head, bending over with his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath, the adrenaline finally starting to wear off and exhaustion setting in. "Very scary. Very crazy. Think I peed a little," he admitted, his voice coming out in a breathless wheeze as he fought to get his heart rate back under control. "Second night in a row."
"But…?" Samuel prompted, an eyebrow raised expectantly as he watched Xander straighten up, a knowing look in his eyes.
"Very much of the fun still," Xander conceded, a reluctant smile tugging at the corner of his mouth as he met Sam's gaze. His mind was still racing with the thrill of the fight, the rush of power and strength that had coursed through his veins as he took on the vampires.
I can't believe I actually enjoyed that, he thought, a mixture of guilt and excitement warring within him.
"There usually this many vamps rising a night in this town?" Xander asked, his curiosity piqued despite the exhaustion that threatened to overtake him. No idea how we're all alive, honestly.
The devil in red shook his head, his expression turning serious as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Eh, it depends," he began, his tone shifting to a more informative one as he explained, "Tonight's honestly kinda light when you take into account the major slayage your friend did on Friday. The local major vampire clan should be trying to bolster its numbers again. I'd say an average of two to three a night on the weekends, maybe one every other day, usually out of towners, wanderers, stragglers. Weird as it is, most vamps actually don't really need to drink that much. The Nosferat are actually one of the hungrier clans, you know, behind the Culebra."
"Wow," Xander responded, his voice flat as he looked down at his hands, flexing them experimentally.
"Yeah, it's unfortunate," Samuel added, his gaze drifting across the graveyard, taking in the broken headstones and scattered piles of dust that were all that remained of the vampires Xander had fought.
"No, yeah, yeah, of course," Xander nodded quickly as he glanced up from his hands, shaking his head to clear his thoughts. "Just still kinda stuck on how strong I am now. Like, I knew I felt different, but actually seeing it in action... it's a lot to take in."
Samuel turned to face him fully, mild amusement dancing in his eyes as he took in Xander's expression. "Yeah, you're in almost the same realm as a fresh slayer," he explained, his hands tucked casually into his pockets as he spoke. "Little bit slower, a little bit weaker, but even with your body still compensating for being ventilated last night, still a lot tougher. Give it a month or so and your devil blood will settle down. Especially if you take down other demons often enough."
Xander's eyes widened in disbelief, a flicker of excitement sparking to life in his chest at the idea of being a threat to the threats instead of a late-night snack. "I'm that strong?" he asked, voice barely above a whisper.
The devil smirked, a knowing look in his eyes as he nodded. "And you'll get a lot stronger," he confirmed, his voice carrying a hint of promise that sent a shiver down Xander's spine. "Trust me, Xan Man, this is just the beginning. You've got a whole new world of possibilities ahead of you now."
Xander swallowed hard, his mouth suddenly dry. "And you're not just saying that because as a devil, it's your job to… I dunno, tempt me and taint my soul and drag me to hell when I die?"
Sam's expression went sour in a way that Xander would have laughed at any other time, the look entirely out of place on the laid-back demon's face. "Tempt you? Taint your soul? You're joking, right? Homie, you're a devil. What about this are you not getting? You kinda crossed that rubicon when you died."
"Hey hey, just asking," Xander raised his hands up as he nodded his head slightly.
"Hey, you asked for this," Samuel reminded him, his tone turning serious once more. "You wanted the power to make a difference, to put vamps in the dirt. Well, now you've got it. This Earth is a shitty place, with potential apocalypses every year, most of them demon related. I wanna keep this blue marble spinning. The question is, do you want to help with that?"
"Apocalypses every year… Oh my God," Xander whispered, the magnitude of what he was stepping into dawning on him like a ton of bricks. Just as the words left his lips, a sudden, sharp pain pierced his skull, making him wince and clutch his head, his fingers digging into his scalp as if he could physically push the pain away. "Ow! What the hell?!" he exclaimed, his voice tight with discomfort as he squinted through the throbbing ache.
Sam chuckled slightly, a mischievous glint in his eye as he watched Xander's reaction. "Ooooh, forgot to mention that," he drawled, sitting atop a nearby tombstone with his hands in his pockets.
"Mention what?" Xander grumbled, squinting through the pain, one hand still massaging his temples in a futile attempt to alleviate the throbbing. The sensation seemed to pulse with his heartbeat, each thud a hammer against his brain even as it slowly faded.
Sam's smile faded into a more serious expression, his brow furrowing slightly. "Remember how I said we Devils are a lot stronger and on a different 'level' than the demons you'll ever probably meet?"
Xander's other eye snapped open, his hand dropping to his side as he straightened up. "Yeah?"
"That comes with drawbacks too," Sam explained, his voice smooth and even, sounding more like he was discussing the side effects of a common cold than the drawbacks of being a supernatural being. "Crosses, praying, holy water, really anything Big G related are gonna sting real bad like a migraine while you're a new blood, even if not used actively as a weapon." He paused for a moment, his eyes meeting Xander's with a serious intensity. "Especially saying His name, any of them. I'd avoid Big J too, just saying."
Xander frowned, processing the new information as he rubbed at his forehead, the pain finally starting to vanish completely. "Huh," he muttered. Great, so not only am I a demon now, but I can't even say the big man's name without feeling like my head's gonna explode. Fantastic.
"You get stronger, might feel like you bumped your toe instead but for right now, you might start burning up if you're in an active church for too long, honestly," Sam continued, his hands gesturing vaguely at the cross symbols that dotted the graveyard around them. "Run down and abandoned ones, probably gonna make you feel a bit… sore?" He shrugged, looking rather uncertain.
"You say that like you don't know," The Harris boy accused, narrowing his eyes at the devil, his tone carrying a hint of suspicion. It was one thing to be turned into a devil without his consent, but to be stumbling around blind to the rules of the game just felt like twisting the knife. How am I supposed to do this if I don't even know what can hurt me?
Sam shrugged, an easy lift of his shoulders as if brushing off Xander's concern. "Sue me," he quipped, a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. "I've never been a lowbie. Thanks to genetics and luck, I was on your level as a newborn."
"...Fine, whatever," the teenager grumbled, crossing his arms. "So, I can't even mention Big G or Big J without feeling like I'm getting brain surgery?"
Sam grinned, his teeth flashing white in the moonlight as he nodded. "Pretty much, yeah," he confirmed, his tone almost proud. "But hey, it's not all bad. You've got powers now, remember? Strength, speed, senses, healing, magic…"
Xander snorted, shaking his head in disbelief. "Yeah, because that totally makes up for the whole 'can't go to church without combusting' thing," he muttered, his voice dripping with sarcasm. I'm not gonna lie, it honestly does, he admitted to himself, but I don't wanna give in too easy.
"Hey, it's not like you were a regular churchgoer before," Sam pointed out, his eyebrow raising in challenge. "When's the last time you even set foot in a church?"
How does he know... Xander opened his mouth to respond, then closed it again, a frown creasing his brow as he realized he couldn't actually remember the last time he'd been to church. Probably Easter, when Mom dragged us all to that weird sunrise service, he thought, a vague memory of uncomfortable pews and droning sermons flashing through his mind.
"That's what I thought," Sam said, a smug grin spreading across his face as he watched Xander's expression. "Trust me, Xan Man, you'll be fine. Make it up to Sinner class and you can hold a cross with barely a sunburn."
"There's classes now?" Xander's voice rose slightly, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise at the new tidbit of information. Everything's getting more complicated by the minute.
Samuel laughed, the sound full of genuine amusement as he shook his head, dreadlocks swaying with the motion. "Silly Xander, every society has classes." The devil turned his hand horizontal and held it up by his forehead. "There's Imps, which is you," He lowered it to his neck, "Sinners," then to his chest, "Fiends," then to his bellybutton, "Archfiends," below his waist, "Demon Lords," and then dropped into a crouch, slamming a palm flat into the ground, hard enough that Xander blinked at the indent he formed, "and then we have the Satans."
...okay. I... don't wanna go... there right now.
The dark-haired teenager shook his head. "Okay, so what now?" he asked, his voice resigned as he met Sam's eyes again, the redhead rising to his feet. "I mean, I can't just go back to my normal life, right? Not with all this..." he gestured vaguely at himself. "So what do I do? How do I... how do I be a devil?"
Sam smiled, suddenly looking more devious and devil-like than he ever had yet. Xander didn't like it. "How do you feel about an afterschool job?"
"...not great."