When Artemis awoke on Friday morning, it was with a gasp and a thundering heart. He had dreamt of darkened rooms and roaming hands and breathe on his neck and…
Artemis bowed his head and released a quiet anguished scream, his teeth gritted, trying to release the swirl of frustration and sorrow His bedside table barely creaked as he lashed out at it with his lower arm. All that achieved was a stinging pain in his wrist. He hissed cradling his arm. Then stopped. The horrible roiling feeling in his chest stopped when he was distracted by the pain in his arm.
He hit the table again, and again. His mind cleared somewhat, and he took a breath.
It was almost constant now, he flicked between feeling helpless, angry, terrified, and shattered to slipping into the numbness that felt more and more like an escape.
He slumped on the floor, something clawing up his throat. Why couldn’t he- Artemis let out a strangled cry.
Artemis eyed the cabinet. He really was at his breaking point, he reasoned, this was only as a last resort. He took the key to the lock with shaking hands and retrieved three quarters of a pill from the bag.
He took one and tucked the other two in a pocket. Artemis floated through the day with occasional lucid moments breaking through the haze.
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James was in his maths class, but Artemis didn’t care because he was… he tried to think of the words when the bell rang. He had only just sat down.
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Kieran ceased his scribbling in his orange book to whisper to Artemis, “Why does James keep on looking at you?”
Artemis blinked, then shrugged.
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Artemis sat in an empty classroom during break, his eyes unfocused.
Kieran’s face poked round the corner, disappeared, then came back as if he had done a double take. “Hey.” Kieran said, sitting down next to him.
“Hello,” Artemis said, his brow knitting together.
Kieran shifted uncomfortably, “You look kind of… out of it. I just want to make sure…” he scratched the back of his neck self-consciously, “I dunno, are you okay?”
“I’m good.” Artemis said, a slow smile working its way onto his face, the sleepy euphoric effects of the drug buzzing under his skin.
Kieran swallowed, “You don’t seem all there. Even now…”
Artemis frowned, not liking that Kieran was ruining how nice he felt right now. Thinking wasn’t good. Thinking would only lead him back to- He straightened, “Kieran you’ve known me for a week, you have no idea what is normal for me.”
That seemed to stop Kieran for a moment, “Just because we haven’t been friends for the last few years doesn’t mean I didn’t notice you. You were just too scary to talk to.”
This made Artemis laugh, a real genuine laugh, Kieran beamed, pleased with himself.
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Kieran sat on Artemis bed and sketched while Artemis read an entry in a journal of biology on stem cells. They sat side by side, slumped against the wall and that is how they fell asleep and subsequently awoke the next morning with stiff necks and matching sheepish grins.
Once Kieran was gone, Artemis slipped on a tailored suit and paused at the mirror. The suit was made to be well fitting but as he gazed his reflection all Artemis longed for was something as baggy as his ill-fitting school uniform. James’ words drifted back to him like a bad smell, ‘You were asking for someone to jump you, wearing those tight fucking jeans.’
Everything felt alien now, not his own. Including his body.
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Artemis opened the car door and slid inside, trying to act normally, “Morning Butler.”
Butler took in Artemis’ hunched posture and his weary eyes, “Morning Artemis. Everything alright?”
Artemis considered how best to approach this, “Mild hangover, nothing to worry about.” He lied, though the last time he endured a hangover was days ago.
Taken aback, Butler slid the car into gear, “A hangover sir?” Amusement clear in his voice.
Artemis played the grouchy teenager, “Not a word Butler, not a word.” He lent his head against the glass and watched the roads blur into each other.
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The door opened and Artemis came back to himself, looking round, disorientated. Butler steadied Artemis as the boy swayed slightly as he got out of the car. On contact Artemis flinched, then froze. Shit.
Butler stopped, then to his credit carried on as usual, picking up Artemis’ bags and walked towards the house.
Artemis heart thundered in his chest as he tried to banish the images of hands all over him and he couldn’t move, and someone was on top of him and-
“Sir?” Butler asked, who had turned back when he realised Artemis hadn’t moved.
Artemis breath came in frantic gasps as he slowly sank to the ground, his back against the car. He couldn’t stop it, he couldn’t-
Butler had dropped his bags and knelt next to him, “Artemis?” Butler had delt with enough of Artemis’ panic attacks before that he knew what they looked like, “Artemis, It’s okay. It’s okay.”
Artemis made a distressed sound and began to hit his arm against the car just to try and make it stop. The repetitive action became more frenzied and harder causing Butler to reach out to touch the boy’s arm, “Artemis stop, you’re going to hurt yourself.”
Artemis scrambled back, sitting in the soggy gravel around a metre away against the other end of the car, “Don’t- don’t… touch me. Please.” Artemis held the arm to his chest, a wild look in his eyes.
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Butler nodded and stayed where he was, “Okay, I won’t, I’m sorry.” He said placatingly. This behaviour was worrying, even for Artemis, with his history of mental illness.
Artemis lowered his hackles slightly but was still more panicked than he had been. Butler stayed silent for a long moment then tried a technique that he had learned recently, “Can you tell me five things you see?”
“Why? I don’t-” Artemis put his hands over his head and began to pull his hair, “Why are you asking me that?” He said, sounding disorientated.
Butler fought the impulse to pull Artemis’ hands away from his hair, “Do you trust me?”
Artemis paused then nodded.
“Then just answer me. Tell me five things you see.” Butler urged him.
Artemis looked around, “The house… the sky, the fence-” Artemis closed his eyes as another wave of images and sounds of that night flooded his mind. He clamped his hands over his ears as if he could block it out.
The sound of Butlers voice was muffled, but audible, “Artemis, that’s three things, just two more.
Artemis cracked an eye open then both. He tried to focus on the things around him, “A bush, the ground.” His arms slowly lowered from his head and came to wrap around his middle.
“Tell me four things you can hear.” Butler said, calmly.
Artemis mind began to quieten while he focused on answering Butler, “Wind, a bird.” He floundered, “Something in the bushes and… my watch.” As he became more aware of the world around him, he felt less trapped. The breeze whispered though the trees.
Butler smiled, “Good. Now, can you tell me three things you feel?”
Artemis slumped back against the car, his guard coming down, “The gravel, the car, the wind.” He took a handful of damp gravel and tried to focus on the feeling.
Taking a cautious step forward, Butler said, “Okay, two things you can smell.”
“It smells like the rain and… the grass, I can smell the grass.” Artemis mumbled.
“Something you can taste?” Butler asked.
Trying to focus, Artemis wasn’t sure. There was… “something acidic.”
Butler was closer now. Now that Artemis’ mind was less scattered, he felt somewhat embarrassed, “Sorry.”
“You have nothing to apologise for.” Butler told him, softly. They stayed like that for a time until Butler asked, “Do you know what caused that?”
Artemis curled in on himself, “This week’s just been a bit… much.” He said truthfully.
Butler nodded, “That’s okay.”
Artemis stood, his suit now damp. Butler followed.
Butler thought about how Artemis had reacted to being touched, and asked this time, “Can I hug you?”
Artemis nodded mutely. Strong arms wrapped around him, and he leaned into it, bringing his arms up around Butler. Butler’s muscular frame was warm and comforting and Artemis breathed out slowly.
“Don’t tell anyone. Mother and father would only worry.” Artemis mumbled into Butler’s shoulder.
“I won’t tell them, if you don’t want me to.” Butler assured him. Butler broke the hug to look at his charge, “Artemis, it’s been a while since you had an episode that bad, and I’ve never seen you react like that to being touched, is there something you aren’t telling me?”
Artemis considered lying then thought better of it, it wouldn’t be believable anyway, “Something happened… it was bad. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“That’s fine.” Butler said. The bodyguard viewed his charge as a skittish cat who would clam up at the first opportunity because, for years he would get nothing out of Artemis, no matter how much he asked. Still, many things about this were concerning, the fact that Artemis was having panic attacks again and that Artemis felt he couldn’t tell anyone what happened. They had been in life and death situations before, what could be more personal than that?
Butler felt helpless, a feeling he was far too familiar with for his liking.
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When Artemis opened the door to the manor, he was accosted by Beckett who charged him with a war cry.
Becket jumped up to cling onto Artemis’ waist, yelling, “Art’mis!”
Artemis let loose an ‘oof’ when he was hit, “Hello Beckett.” He tried not to panic at the contact, but it was difficult.
Myles stood, composed in the doorway.
Artemis smile was strained, “Myles.”
“Artemis.” Myles said, in greeting.
In a dress and a coat, his mother stepped out into the hallway, “Oh, hello dear.” She smiled, seeing Artemis, “Your father and I were just heading out. Butler, if you wouldn’t mind driving, we have a lunch engagement with Mr Goodwin.”
Artemis tried to ignore the stab of anger of behalf of the twins. Ever since his father had returned, he had promised to spend less time on his business, which he had. Initially. However, this did not quite translate to having more time for the twins. Things had been better for a short time but since Artemis’ return form the clinic… shall we say, old habits die hard.
Artemis senior and Angeline had become consumed in their charity work, which, on paper did not seem like a bad thing but it meant they were always travelling and assigned watching the twins to Juliet, or some nameless member of staff.
His father had promised.
Butler’s face remained impassive until Angeline swept out of the front door, then he offered Artemis an apologetic look then followed her.
Artemis senior stepped out into the hallway, stopping when the man saw his son, like a deer caught in the headlights, “Artemis, you’re back early,” He remarked awkwardly.
Artemis, the younger, got the distinct impression his parents had planned to leave before he got back. Artemis was so tired, so used to the same patterns that he couldn’t even find it in himself to be angry, “The traffic was light.” He said, keeping his response curt. He wouldn’t make this any less uncomfortable for his father.
Artemis senior nodded awkwardly, suddenly very interested in the floor.
He knew, Artemis was convinced that his father knew exactly why what he was doing was wrong and yet… At least his parents could be absent together.
His father cleared his throat then, “I should get going.” He offered before leaving.
It didn’t matter to Artemis; he had stopped expecting even common decency from other people as of late. His father had ignored him as a child, and while his mother had been better, she lacked understanding or interest.
And then there was… him.
‘Get off,’
‘Just let me.’
No, Artemis reminded himself, Butler had always shown him kindness and support, as had Juliet in her own way. They are in your employ, a voice reminded him, it’s not like they have a choice.
However, the twins deserved better, they really did. They deserved loving parents, they deserved a role model and Artemis just wasn’t it. Artemis was never more glad of the Butlers, they were people the twins could look up to, and excellent ones at that.
Artemis was left alone in the hallway with his two younger brothers. Beckett was oblivious and had found a spider to play with in the corner, however, Myles was quiet in his bewilderment.
Myles was more equipped to understand that something had just happened between Artemis and his father, just not exactly what that was. Myles repetitively scrubbed a hand up and down his upper arm, a nervous habit (or a stim if you want to be technical about it) he had developed when confronted with things that scare him. Artemis was fairly sure Myles was autistic (just as he himself was) and he could be easily overwhelmed by stress, crowds, loud noises and emotions.
Artemis cursed himself for his hubris, he should never have let his frustration with his father show in front of the twins, it was thoughtless. He hunkered down in front of the twins, “How about we go down to the lab?”
Beckett grinned, “Explosions!”
Artemis nodded, “Indeed, explosions.”
Myles stared at the floor, still fidgeting. Artemis sighed, “Myles, would you like to synthesise some basic chemical formulas.”
Myles looked up hopeful, “Can we make nylon, Butler won’t let me use the equipment on my own.”
Artemis’ smile was strained, “Yes, of course.”