Kieran and Artemis sat in library while they waited for the second half of lunch to begin along with their detention. Kieran was saying something, but Artemis was engrossed in his thoughts.
The next lesson would be Physical education which would be hell (his classmates called his left foot Fowl due how poor his co-ordination was) and after that was religious education. Having not checked, Artemis was not sure if James would be in either class and the uncertainty was anxiety inducing.
His hangover was not better but worse and he was still more than a little drunk from this morning, especially considering he hadn’t eaten since yesterday. This was not good. He felt sick and his head hurt and he just wanted this to stop. He wanted to be at home where he didn’t have to worry about this but… he had promised his mother he would attend school like a normal boy.
Sometimes it felt like Angeline didn’t actually want a son like him, it felt like she would prefer someone normal, someone else.
He wished he hadn’t gone to that damned party, he wished he hadn’t drunk so much, he wished-. Artemis stopped himself there, he was getting into dangerous territory.
Kieran had stopped talking and was looking at him.
“Sorry, what?” Artemis said, assuming he had missed something the other had said.
Kieran’s expression was quizzical, “I didn’t say anything, I was just staring at you until you realised you were staring at me.”
“You are… quite odd.” Artemis remarked.
“And you are considerably spacy today.”
“I’m hungover,” Artemis deadpanned.
Kieran shrugged, “Fair enough.”
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The knock rang out, harsh and sharp in the empty corridor.
Mrs Kilbride opened the door with a stern expression, “Mr O’Shea go take a seat, I need to speak to Mr Fowl.”
Kieran muttered a, “Cool” and ducked into the classroom.
Mrs Kilbride remained silent for a moment, “Would you like to tell me anything?”
Artemis shook his head; this was not what he needed.
Mrs Kilbride sighed, “I’ve talked to your other teachers, you aren’t engaging in any of your classes and- I generally try not to pry too much but it isn’t like you to engage in… extracurricular activities with you peers.”
Artemis frowned, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
An amused smile briefly played on Mrs Kilbride’s face, “I was once your age Mr Fowl and I have turned up to class hungover more than once.”
Artemis stared; he was under no illusion that his teachers were not real people, but he hadn’t expected understanding from them.
Mrs Kilbride fixed him with a serious look, “I’m glad you’re learning to socialise but please remember that there are better ways to deal with issues than to drink. I am acutely aware that you have just returned from a months long leave of absence because of your mental health.”
Artemis wouldn’t meet her eyes.
Mrs Kilbride continued, “I didn’t want to have to bring that up, but I can’t help being concerned. Your behaviour has been out of character and erratic to say the least. What I’m saying is, if you need help or just need to talk to someone, I’m here for you.”
Artemis’s gaze was still locked on the floor, “Thank you, Mrs Kilbride.”
When it became clear Artemis would say nothing more, Mrs Kilbride gave in, “Okay, go on, take a seat.”
As Artemis walked into the room, he did so with a newfound respect for Mrs Kilbride.
Mrs Kilbride opened the blinds with a flourish causing Kieran and Artemis to cover their eyes groaning.
Mrs Kilbride smiled mischievously, “What’s wrong boys, headache?”
Artemis took back anything positive he had ever thought about the woman.
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Artemis tried to hide his relief when he saw that James wasn’t in his physical education class.
The hour passed slowly, and Artemis found new ways in which to lose a football match than he thought were possible. Kieran found this amusing to no end, especially as he was on the other team.
Artemis was not so lucky in religious education class, James sat next to him, and Kieran was in the other class. Artemis tried to ignore the glances James sent his way, his heart beating right out of his chest the entire time. At the end of the hour Artemis walked out of the class and felt a hand grab his… rear. His whole body ceased, and his head whipped round to see James, smiling, the bastard. James walked away, leaving Artemis feeling… dirty.
Artemis had never liked school, but he had always felt safe there. Even when his father went missing and Angeline would scream and throw things at him, school was always safe.
He no longer felt safe. Not here, not anywhere.
His hands shook as he attempted to unlock the door to his room. He shut the door behind him. And cried.
Later that night, Butler called, and Artemis pretended to be fine. There was no need to worry his bodyguard, Artemis had made some bad decisions and those decisions had consequences, there was no need to make it Butler’s problem. Artemis hadn’t even said ‘no’ for god-sake, all he could manage was ‘get off’. He hadn’t said ‘no’, so, it wasn’t a big deal… just a mistake. Yes, that was what it was.
If it was a mistake, then it wouldn’t happen again unless Artemis did anything stupid. That meant he had control and nothing bad had happened. Nothing happened… Just a mistake.
That was what Artemis told himself, but if the bodyguard had been privy to any of the aforementioned events, then he certainly would have had something to say about it. And plenty of things to do about it too, the first being to hug Artemis and the next, presumably, to kill James. But alas, Butler did not know any of this, and could not tell Artemis that none of this was Artemis’ fault, that Artemis should ask for as much help as he needed and that just because he hadn’t said ‘no’ that did not mean he had consented to anything.
Kieran also knocked on Artemis’ door, but Artemis declared himself ‘exhausted’ and Kieran left him to it. This left Artemis feeling frustrated and angry because he really didn’t want to be alone right now, but he was scared Kieran would notice something.
Artemis couldn’t sleep, no matter how hard he tried, every time he closed his eyes, he would catch flashes of last night. God, he was tired, he just needed to sleep. He wanted this to stop, for a little while.
Remembering his conversation with Tom, he fished the bag full of pills out of his bedside draw. He closed his eyes. Just once. Just this once, he would use these to get to sleep. cautious, he snapped a tablet into quarters and took one. Coughing, he headed to the sink poured himself some water and took a sip.
He slumped back into bed and within fifteen minutes a strange floaty feeling overtook him. The world was becoming fuzzier, and Artemis smiled against his pillow, a slight euphoric feeling buzzing in the back of his mind. The last thing Artemis though before he slipped into a deep sleep was that ‘this is nice’.
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The morning wrought the grogginess of the previous day without the headache from the alcohol. Artemis tried to recall his timetable but the smog of the pill he had taken before was obscuring his usually sharp memory. James would be in some of his classes, he knew that.
He considered taking a pill, it did calm him. But no. No, taking pills during the day was different. Last night he just needed to calm down.
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Walking into form time sober for the first time since the party was a different experience entirely. Every sound shot a jolt of anxiety through him. He was uncomfortably aware of everything around him, his eyes locking onto anything that moved. He sat in the corner, where he could see everything.
Kieran took a seat next to him, “Good morning.”
Artemis was looking across the room, “Is it now?”
Kieran grinned, “Had a great night’s sleep, got a cool project to do. Today is a good day.”
“Obnoxiously cheerful. That’s what you are.” Artemis said.
“Are you still hungover somehow?” Kieran asked.
“No, just I’m naturally delightful.” Artemis deadpanned; he was getting used to this mindless banter thing, “You mentioned a project?”
This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.
Kieran’s face lit up, “Basically everyone in the mental health program has to research a subject to do with metal health and make a presentation to explain it to the rest of the group.”
Artemis asked, “What subject were you assigned?”
“Dissociative disorders,” said Kieran.
Artemis tilted his head “Oh, I had one of those.”
Kieran’s expression was surprised but carefully neutral, “Really, which one?”
“Dissociative personality disorder.”
Kieran stopped. “… like spilt personality?”
Artemis smiled, “Yes, like that.”
“Do you still…?” Kieran trailed off.
Artemis shook his head, “No. I have not had an episode in months.”
Kieran blinked, “Wow. How many personalities did you have?”
“Just two. Me and Orion.” Artemis answered.
“Has he come out at school before?” Kieran asked, leaning closer.
Artemis said, “No, I only had multiple personalities from five months ago.”
“How was it?” Asked Kieran, morbidly curious.
Artemis took a moment to think, “Surreal.”
Kieran frowned, “I haven’t researched it yet, what triggered it?” Kieran’s eyes widened and he cursed, “You don’t have to tell me, that was really insensitive, just ignore me. I didn’t think.”
Artemis waved him away the apology, “It doesn’t bother me. It was triggered by a strong electric shock.”
Kieran looked at Artemis like he had sprouted another torso, “Well, now I have more questions than I started with.”
“And none of them will ever be answered.” Artemis said, smugly.
“But… now you’ve mentioned it you’ve got to tell me.” Kieran pleaded. “Why were you shocked? Did you walk into an electric fence? Were you tased? Did your toaster short out?”
Artemis leaned back in his chair, “I think the satisfaction I would glean from knowing how much not telling you would irritate you, is worth it.”
“No. You wouldn’t.” Kieran hissed, looking scandalised.
Artemis smirked.
Kieran sighed, “Can I at least do a case study on you?”
Artemis’ reply was as instantaneous as it was final, “No.”
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English started normally enough, the class took turns to read ‘The strange case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde’. Some students took the opportunity to lounge back in their chairs while others feverishly scrawled notes in their books.
Artemis had tuned out (as was becoming more frequent in the last few days) when Kieran tapped him on the shoulder snickering, “Jekyll is so into Utterson. Seriously he describes his hands as ‘comely’.”
Artemis turned to face his classmate, “Kieran, do you remember me telling you that being camp isn’t a personality? Well, neither is being gay.”
“Preposterous.” Kieran dismissed with a wave of his hand.
Artemis frowned, “And if the author was really alluding to Jekyll and Utterson being attracted to each other, surely, he would have added more than slightly suggestive language.”
Kieran leaning in conspiratorially, “The authors wife is said to have burnt the original copy because it was too outrageous,”
Artemis considered this, “It’s possible, but then again the original could have been violent rather than homoerotic.”
Kieran glared, “Take all the fun out of everything why don’t you? Let a guy hope. Jeez.”
Artemis struggled to keep a straight face. That was the thought that broke the damn, he could be described as a lot of things but ‘straight’ was not one of them. Artemis let out a quiet laugh.
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Here he was again, trying not to catch James’ eye while seated next to him. His mistake had been sitting before anyone else had. The first five minutes had entailed Artemis trying to contain the panic that crushed his chest but after that a strange calm settled over him, as if he was watching the world around him through a screen. He still felt the panic, the anger, the fear, and the shame, but they were dampened.
The teacher was talking, and writing on the interactive whiteboard, facing away from them.
Artemis felt a hand rest on his knee and froze. No. No, not now. The hand began to ride up the inside of his leg ever so slowly and Artemis was still frozen, memories of James on top of him resurfacing. Artemis didn’t quite know what to do, he was in a room full of people so he couldn’t say anything. Someone would notice if he batted the hand away, and that was assuming he could move, which he couldn’t. His breathing was loud in his ears, his palms were sweaty, and he felt as if he would be sick.
Artemis glanced at James, who was staring ahead, his expression blank.
James skated his hand up Artemis’ thigh sending sparks up his leg that pooled as heat in his stomach. Blood began to rush south as the stimulation caused his dick to harden and arousal shoot up his spine. James’ hand rode higher and higher until it palmed his dick and rubbed, eliciting a quiet gasp. Artemis was finally able to make his arms move and batted James’ hand away.
Artemis’ hands shook and his heart pounded as he waited for James to start again. He didn’t, much to Artemis’ relief.
Artemis looked around; no-one had noticed. The thought was both comforting and bitter. Artemis risked a glance at James and hissed, “leave me alone.”
“Don’t be so dramatic,” James said.
“I didn’t say you could touch me.” Artemis said in a clipped voice that was more confident than he felt.
“Oh, please.” James sneered, “You were practically gagging for it the other night.”
Anger flared, “I told you to get off me. You wouldn’t listen.” Artemis ground out.
James scoffed “You were asking for someone to jump you, wearing those tight fucking jeans. Fucking tease.”
Artemis felt the words of retort catch in his throat and stayed silent. James had a point, he had agreed to wear those jeans and they were tight, just as his top shirt buttons had been undone, at Kieran’s behest, but Artemis had agreed.
The rest of the class passed without incident although Artemis stayed alert and glanced back every few seconds at James who was focused on his book.
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Artemis knew he would have to share another class with James in the last hour of school. It felt like watching a car crash in slow motion, completely helpless. He didn’t seem to have much control of much these days, everything was seeming more inevitable, like a play that was already written.
Artemis couldn’t pretend to be fine during first break, so he trundled up the stairs to his room. He lay down on his bed and tried to relax, it was pointless.
He eyed his bedside table, where he knew the bag of pills were stashed. He had meant to get rid of them. He had… but… it was something he could control. He could take them if he wanted and perhaps, they would make him feel something that wasn’t fuzzy detachment or nausea inducing anxiety. He opened the cabinet, lifted the bag, and fished out half quarter a pill of Xanax and downed it with a gulp of water. They had assisted him to sleep when he was exhausted, but all they did last time was dampen his anxiety and bring a tingling kind of euphoria.
He lay back down on the bed and waited. It was as the five-minute bell rang that he felt the drug start to take effect. As he waded through the sea of people to his classroom, he felt a fuzzy warm feeling settle over him accompanied with a drowsy calm.
Physics class was spent in a thick haze, with Artemis barely listening to Mr Thomas ramble on about main sequence stars. The bell rang and Artemis stood. Artemis didn’t remember walking to Chemistry, but here he was. The blackout would normally thoroughly perturb him but now it was just…The door opened and then he was in his seat.
Voices murmured and Mrs Kilbride was in front of him asking, “Where is Mr O’Shea?”
Artemis took a moment to dazedly reply, “He’s at the mental health ambassador’s…” Why couldn’t he think of the word, it was as if his head was filled with cotton, “thing.” Thing, he had never said anything so ineloquent before.
Mrs Kilbride frowned and scrutinised him, “Do you need to go to the nurse’s office Artemis? You look rather unwell.”
Artemis took a second to sort through the words, “No. I’m fine.” Even in his addled state, Artemis knew that seeing a medical professional while he was high was a very bad idea.
Mrs Kilbride accepted it with a doubtful hum and walked to the front of the classroom.
The next thing Artemis could remember, he was sitting at lunch, alone. Kieran would be gone for the whole day and a part of him was glad of it, Kieran would be the only one to notice how differently he was behaving.
Artemis looked down at his food. He didn’t have to eat it; he could make that choice at least.
After lunch PE was first, and after one look at Artemis the PE teacher (Mr Jones) told him to sit on the bench for the duration of the lesson declaring to Artemis that “You look like death.”
Religious class was not as bad as it could have been due to the fact Artemis was seated on the other side of the classroom from James who only occasionally sent a wink or a smirk in his direction.
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Artemis was feeling more lucid by the time Kieran arrived back in the dorms after school. Kieran and Artemis were sat on the floor next to each other in Artemis’ dorm.
Kieran was recounting the events of the day, “And there were psychiatrists giving lectures about their specialty. The substance abuse one was pretty cool, ooh and the schizophrenia awareness lecture was really interesting.”
Artemis smiled, “I’m glad someone is enjoying those mental illnesses then.”
Kieran faltered, “I just find it really interesting, like in an academic sense… I know it sounds really bad but learning about it is so cool. Not the actual people having it but just the concepts.” Kieran said in a manner reminiscent of a ten-year-old ranting about their favourite kind of Lego.
Artemis laughed, “I know what you mean, I was just mocking you.”
Kieran opened a flip notepad revealing sketches of trees, landscapes, and swords. Kieran took a pencil out of his pocket and began to draw in broad strokes.
Artemis peered at it, “You like art then?”
Kieran looked up, “Not painting, but I like sketching, I’m okay at it, it’s just for fun though.”
“They’re good.” Artemis remarked, gleaning a smile from Kieran.
Kieran turned to him, “What do you like?”
Artemis shrugged, “I quite enjoy tinkering with tech, reading, and” He smiled, “learning about mythology- especially Irish folklore.”
“Cool.” Kieran said, “Like fairy’s then?”
Artemis supressed the urge to chuckle to himself, “Among other things, yes.”
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Artemis didn’t want to eat at dinner, he didn’t have to, that was his choice. He looked down at the carbonara and watched the oily bubkes separate from the sauce. He felt sick.
Kieran ceased eating for a moment to ask, “You feeling alright?”
Artemis looked up, “Yes. I was just wondering whether the cooks here are capable of making sauce that doesn’t spilt into at least five miscellaneous liquids.”
Kieran rolled his eyes, “Give them a break, they are cooking for the whole school.”
Artemis noticed Kieran trying to covertly steal glances at him. Artemis looked down at his food. He could control how much he ate but he would need to wat something.
Five, he would have five forkfuls. Five was good.
He was too tired to care that he was counting again, though it was not a normal tiredness, it was a deep weariness in his bones, one that hadn’t left for days.