I don’t know what to do with myself.

So I just start my daily routine.

It’s Thursday morning, 6 AM, and I’m still reeling from what happened last evening. But remind myself I got to get it together.

Grandma needs me.

Every morning, I help her get dressed and try to keep her happy. This morning I’m making her favorite breakfast. Grits with cheese and little sprinkled bits of bacon on top. Every time I make her one of her favorites the conversation goes something like this:

“Oh my stars, I like this. What is this?”

“Grits, cheese and bacon,” I say with a smile.

“Can I have more tomorrow?”

“Of course, Grandma.”

I could do the same thing tomorrow and she wouldn’t even remember she had it yesterday.

After the daily conversation repeats this morning, I eat some of it with her. If I eat the same thing, it helps her eat. She’s like a little kid. She doesn’t want to eat until she sees that I’m having the same thing too.

I’m tired that she never remembers anything but then I realize.

If she can’t remember a damn thing I could tell this woman my secrets. She’d probably forget in an hour or two.

“Grandma I got to something to tell you,” I say nervously.

She puts her spoon down on the floral print table cloth and leans in slightly. She whispers to me, “Are you pregnant?”

“No! Oh no!”

I giggle and she gets cross with me. She puckers her lips and makes the same face whenever she’s cross with me, even as her memory fades.

“Do you remember Charlie,” I ask her.

“Yes. Nice boy.”

“He don’t love me. I thought he did. He doesn’t. How can I make him love me,” I ask her.

“You can’t do that. No one can,” Grandma replies.

I’m crying a little, and now I’m cross with myself. All I do is cry lately. I’m surprised when Grandma pushes herself up the table with all her strength, takes her cane, and hobbles over to me.

She gives me a big hug from behind and I stop crying. I miss her, even when she’s here.

“You’re going to find a man. Charlie is a nice boy,” she tells me. “You’re going to meet someone and you’re going to wonder how you lived your life before they entered it.”

I take a napkin from the center of the table and wipe my eyes. Grandma rubs my back and everything feels like it’s going to be alright, even just for a moment.

“Grandma, I don’t want to be here anymore,” I confess.

She suddenly looks horrified.

“You can’t kill yourself. It’s sinful,” she replies.

“What! NO Grandma, I meant I can’t stay in Edelweiss anymore! What has gotten into you?”

“Well, you said it so dramatically,” Grandma replies. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this sad.”

I roll my eyes and put my head on the table. Grandma shuffles around the kitchen looking for something and she comes back with a cup of apple juice for me.

“You can’t take care of me, that’s my job,” I mumble.

“Hush.”

I drink apple juice and confess more.

“I don’t wanna stay in Edelweiss. There ain’t nothing here for me anymore. I’m taking you with me.”

“No. I’m not going,” Grandma said sternly. “You can’t make me. I was born here and I’m gonna die here.”

“No you shouldn’t! Don’t you ever think about leaving?”

She shuffles over back to her seat and looks at me wearily.

“I used to. When Grandpa was here. Now he’s not. It was just me and your mom after he passed and I was so scared.”

“You?”

“Yes. I was scared. But this entire town came around. Especially Pastor Grant. And they came around when your mama left too.”

“But I need something else. I thought I was gonna die of boredom at that diner, last week I almost actually died!”

“What happened last week? You almost died last week?”

I sigh.

She’s forgotten, even though I told her, even though the entire town was talking about it for a few days. She seemed like everything was fine, until it wasn’t.

“Nevermind,” I say. “I’m leaving here.”

----------------------------------------

I have a short list of who to say goodbye to.

First at the top of the list is Charlie. I figured I’d do the hardest part first and the easiest part at the end. I plan on really giving someone a farewell to remember once I get to the end of that list.

I messeged Charlie that I’d come over for a bit and he said he missed me. He didn’t know why I didn’t come over yesterday. I just can’t find the right words. I tell myself I’ll find the right words when I arrive.

Well I’ve arrived.

And I still don’t know what I’m gonna say.

I still like him, so I try to look a little cute. With denim shorts, wooden wedges, and my favorite pink top. Charlie is sitting on the porch, drinking sweet tea when I park my car.

I go up the creaky stairs and sit next to him on the old bench. He passes me some tea and I take it, while awkwardly glancing at him.

“Why you looking like that today,” Charlie asks. “What happened?”

“I’m just sad is all,” I say quietly.

“Well you came to the right place. I’m a doctor you see,” Charlie says with confidence.

“A doctor from where? What degree? I feel sorry for these imaginary patients!”

“I don’t need no degree! I’m gonna make you feel better. Come with me!”

He leaps off the patio, and starts running to the backyard. I put the glass down and chase after him.

All bitterness is gone from the sugar in my mouth and the wind in my hair.

No more pain in my chest when he picks me up by the waist and puts me into his ATV.

We go zipping through the farm and I get to scream my head off, scream all my problems away, where no one will ever know my secrets. Charlie takes the ATV over to the dirt field where Nick and I were the other day and stops.

“I heard what you and him did the other night,” Charlies says.

“I ain’t done nothing.”

“Well I can see nothing in my front yard.”

There were still marks everywhere, and he grumbles when I tell him that “You’re right, there’s nothing to see here.”

He laughs with his weird loud horse laugh but now the sadness creeps back in.

“Nicholas told me about you that night,” I blurt out.

Nicholas unbuckles his seatbelts, turns off the car and eyes me warily. We both know without me saying more. Charlie doesn’t say anything for a while and so I decide to pry answers out of him.

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“I saw what happened yesterday too,” I say.

He goes stiff and pale like a corpse and starts running his fingers though his hair. He still doesn’t say anything, and I feel like I’m having a one-person conversation. He turns his face away out of embarrassment, and I get short with him.

“How come you never told me Charlie? Why? How long have you-“

“I just didn’t want to,” Charlie seethes. “We’re close but I can’t tell you everything.”

“Yes you can. And you should’ve. You hurt me.”

He slowly turns to look at me and he’s shocked.

“I hurt you? What did I ever do,” he asks.

“I thought you were shy. I thought you were just waiting to tell me. I thought you wanted me.”

“I just couldn’t tell you. I’m sorry Anne.”

“But why?”

“Because I’m scared,” he says quietly. “Have you ever been afraid of something your entire life?”

“Yes I have,” I reply.

“Really?”

“I’m afraid of losing people. I lost my mom. I’m losing grandma. I didn’t want to take the chance on losing you too because you don’t love me.”

Charlie holds me close and tells me the words I’ve always wanted to hear.

“I’ll never leave. I will always love you, Annabelle Lee.”