This is my new pet - Lure a dungeon monster into a floor where it doesn’t belong. [COMPLETE]

Serial kidnapper - Lure 50 or more dungeon monsters into a floor where they don’t belong. [COMPLETE]

I held in the groan. There was no need to get upset. This was a good thing, wasn’t it? More skill points meant better skills, which meant better chances of survival.

If only getting these achievements didn’t feel like someone was pointing out the latest dumb thing I’d done.

“...Hey, look, chat. I have fifty new pets, apparently. Don’t know why it accuses me of kidnapping though. They kidnapped themselves! I’m totally innocent!” I joked just to cut through the tension while checking my bracelet to see how much of its charge I’d wasted in my screwup.

85% left. Not that bad then.

RetconRanger: Are you alright…?

Jeofffff: that was well played tho

GeorgeDoshington: lol go zap more lakes

“I’m fiiine, chat! I’m used to this! Happens all the time!” I sang with fake cheer, trying to make myself believe the lie.

They were, of course, skeptical. Probably because I subconsciously knew that I wasn’t alright at all. Regardless, most of them backed off after some reassurances.

I didn’t drop my guard just yet, though. Even as the banging and scratching on the door gradually lessened and eventually stopped, I still stood with my weapon in hand, ready to strike. After all, I could very well get flanked from a completely different direction because of the nonsensical physics.

Just like what had happened a minute ago, dammit.

Ugh, I couldn’t believe I let myself get cornered like that.

I shook those thoughts away and began to slowly relax as the noises from the outside petered out and left me in silence. I briefly glanced out of the window and noticed all the zombies still on floor three making their way to the nearest pool and dropping themselves into them.

Huh.

Well, I hadn’t expected them to actually give up, but no complaints from me.

I let out a sigh of relief, propped up my naginata against a nearby wall, and then reached into my backpack to bring out my drink. Ether pop fused with the rest of the Tempor juice I had.

I took a sip of the deliciously sweet liquid – although I wished it wasn’t carbonated – and felt my Ether gradually refill.

“So, anyway… Didn’t expect the pools to spit out hordes of zombies in response. Imagine if this system had some kind of XP system, though. You could totally farm this place! Too bad it only ends up being annoying.”

Jeofffff: except when you get a secret chest

“Except when I get a secret chest, yeah. I wonder if I got one for this… Kinda doubt it though. I bet I would have to defeat all of them at minimum for one.”

It was only a postulate though. I didn’t actually know how the dungeon decided what was ‘stupid’ enough to deserve one of those chests.

“Well, whatever. I’m not gonna try to get another secret chest anyway. I’m not suicidal.”

Jeofffff: debatable

I gave the group chat window a stink eye. Not that anyone could see that.

“Anywho. I guess I’ll just keep going now. The whole ambush thing is annoying, but I can deal with it.”

Part of me felt a bit miffed that I’d had to rely on the damn bird’s gift again, but oh well. If using the phoenix skills helped me get closer to punching the actual phoenix, I wouldn’t complain too much.

I finally gathered myself, put away my soda can, grabbed my weapon, pushed the box blocking the door away, and headed out of my hiding spot.

Sure enough, the entirety of floor three was devoid of zombies once more. Meanwhile, a quick look through the golden gate showed that some were still aimlessly milling around on the first floor instead of coming back like the rest for some reason. It was a tad eyebrow-raising, but I blamed it on buggy AI.

Not that this was a game or anything… But it sure felt like one in a lot of ways.

I ignored the zombies past the gate, deciding to deal with them on my way back, and wandered toward the pools once more.

Now that I knew that the zombies hiding in the pools were likely infinite in number, I didn’t bother making sure I finished off every zombie I fought. As long as I knocked them back into the pool, it was fine.

Although… It made me wonder whether I could evaporate the pools. What would happen if I completely evaporated all of them? Would the zombies stop coming? Hmm… It actually sounded like something that would grant a secret chest, now that I thought about it.

Well, not like I had enough Ether for a stunt like that anyway.

The first zombie emerged from the pools as I walked by and I immediately pushed it back with a lunge of my naginata. The second and third appeared behind me and I dealt with them with a horizontal slash, catching both of them. The fourth tried to ambush me from behind and I shoved it with the blunt end of my weapon before turning around and slashing down at it with the bladed end.

I was getting used to their tricks now. Sure, it didn’t help my tense nerves at all that I had to be constantly vigilant, but the ambushes were getting more and more predictable. They always seemed to come from directly behind while I was dealing with two or more zombies at the front.

It felt like I’d learned the monster AI in a video game. They didn’t really have any more tricks. Just avoid hitting their inflatable rings and sleeves, and be careful about ambushes from behind. Simple.

Now that I thought about it, the monsters from the other floors could also be learned like this. Heck, even the floor one boss. Once I’d known what it could do, I’d won without any problems. They were all one trick ponies without the ability to learn and adapt.

…

Maybe this was just a simulation in the end? And if it was, the chat was entirely simulated, like I’d thought. But… was I also simulated? Was the real me still back on Earth, happily streaming to the real chat from the safety of their home?

I stopped and slowly swallowed, but kept looking around for any ambushes.

But… Why? Why would anyone want to simulate me? The message said ‘Good luck! ;)’, so was this some kind of test? What was the goal of it all? Had the real me agreed to this?

I shook my head.

I really really needed to stop thinking too hard about this. There was no way I could get any answers right now, so… Might as well leave going insane for later.

“...You know, besides the whole angry horde thing, this floor is pretty chill so far. It’s not even a stupid maze again,” I said out loud, forcing my thoughts to a different topic. “That just makes me feel like I’ll soon run into something that will utterly destroy me…”

I kept going.

Sure enough, I soon realized that something was wrong with this place.

I scowled at the pools around me, eying the path I’d come from.

“Come on, dungeon… There aren’t even any walls here, why is this another nonsensical maze?”

Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author.

It was hard to notice from moment to moment – especially since I was constantly getting accosted by zombies – but my surroundings shifted like a very subtle funhouse mirror as I walked. I could walk in a straight line and I would find myself right at the beginning.

I huffed, skipping past all the stages of grief and resigning myself to wandering around right away.

“What is even my goal? Where’s the exit? Or the boss room?” I grumbled as I walked.

Jeofffff: maybe you have to enter the maze from a specific spot

GonguuH: maybe the waterslide? or the tunnels?

I hummed at chat’s ideas, eyeing the section where all the waterslides were.

“Uh, I don’t know about that. Why would I wanna slide into the death water? The tunnels… could be it, but they are also filled with the water, so I don’t know…”

Although, maybe specific spots had actual water and I had to swim through them to get to the boss room. That could be the trick here.

My expression soured.

How was I going to swim while holding a weapon? I hoped there wouldn’t be any monsters if I had to go through water…

I continued wandering for a bit before leaving the collection of pools and entering them from a different angle, hoping it would lead me somewhere else.

Even though Ebi wasn’t here to make more maps today – she’d mentioned having an appointment of some sort – I didn’t have much of an issue navigating this time. Part of it because there weren’t any same-looking walls like in the stupid locker maze, part of it because Gong kept tracking my route and telling me the exact steps I needed to take to return where I’d come from.

Anyway, I went in and out of the collection of pools a few times for several hours, my zombie killcount probably reaching hundreds at this point, before I finally found a way through.

I’d reached the waterslide section, where three different waterslides sat side by side, all leading down into the death water. I stared up at them for a moment before shrugging and making my way to the little stairway leading up to them.

But weirdly enough, as I walked, both the stairs and the waterslides gradually shrunk and flattened and by the time I reached them, they were completely gone.

“What the heck…?” I murmured as I looked around and froze. “Wait, what the heck?!”

I was back in the middle of the collection of pools and nowhere near the water slides.

“Oh, come on!” I whined. “A teleport trap?!”

As if on cue, seven different zombies began emerging from the pools all around me, making me grip my naginata and growl in frustration.

I didn’t give them a chance to surround me and moved. I whipped my left hand at a nearby zombie and launched a bubble at him, knocking him back into the lake while dashing forward at another one. I readjusted my grip on the naginata, raised it up high, and brought it down on another zombie’s skull. Then I lit my weapon on fire while simultaneously activating the circuits and slashed horizontally at the pair of zombies trying to flank me from the side.

The lightning slash covered in flames hit them just above their floaties and then sizzled with steam, creating a seared cut and knocking them over.

The last three zombies came from the back, but I had enough experience with their tricks and with my weapon that I simply swung the blunt end of my weapon to stagger them, then turned around and finished them one by one.

A couple of seconds later, the fight was over.

I took a moment to breathe even as I grumbled and pulled out my trusty bucket to recover some Ether.

GonguuH: no I’m just saying there might be a trick to it like the lockers

Jeofffff: and I’m saying she came from the wrong angle

There was some arguing in the chat about why it had teleported me back. Jeoff kept insisting that I needed to find a different way in, while Gong thought I had to approach the waterslides in a specific way.

The worst part was that either one was a possibility. From what this stupid dungeon had pulled already, I wouldn’t be surprised if I needed to dance my way to the waterslides or something to not have the dungeon teleport me back.

RetconRanger: Or maybe this was supposed to happen? Like needing to go through the lockers to reach the boss room on floor two.

I hummed as I gathered myself again from my short break.

“That might be it. But really, it could be anything,” I admitted as I began walking again.

Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to get back since I’d gotten teleported, so it took me much longer to find my way out this time. But at least I wasn’t trapped completely.

Once I was out, I tried following the same route that had led to the waterslides the first time and… the path hadn’t changed at all. So either Ranger was wrong, or I had to go through the same teleport multiple times before something happened.

It didn’t sound right, to be honest. This dungeon liked to throw curveballs and rarely repeated the same exact challenges. So having to do this several times would just be stupid.

…Would it give me a secret chest if I were to repeat this a hundred times?

GonguuH: try to look back at the pools and then walk backwards into it

Jeofffff: just find a different entrance ffs

I shrugged, checked for zombies, and then turned my back to the waterslides and began walking backwards.

“If this does nothing, I’ll try finding a different way in,” I idly murmured, still wondering whether repeatedly grinding out being teleported would be worth the chance of getting a secret chest.

Maybe not.

My back suddenly bumped into something, making me startle, and whip around, naginata at the ready.

I blinked, realizing that it was the stairway’s railing.

“Wait.”

The top of the stairway’s railing.

My head whipped back at the pools and my eyes went wide when I realized that I had somehow found myself at the top of the stairway, next to the tops of the waterslides, looking down at the water park.

“Whoaaa?!” I immediately set my feet and grabbed onto a nearby railing, trying to steady myself… even if I didn’t need it.

Look, heights were scary, okay?

I took a few seconds to calm down and then did my best to stop the shaking while taking in the absolute nonsense that had just occurred.

“...Right. Makes sense,” I lied while giving a sage nod.

Hey. There was no point in getting surprised and baffled by this dungeon’s physics anymore. I was more startled by the sudden danger of falling to my death than anything.

“So, what do we have here…?” I murmured as I casually leaned on the railing – while my hands reflexively gripped the railing like my life depended on it – and glanced around.

It honestly looked like a regular water park from up here. One surrounded by vague outlines of buildings that I couldn’t quite make out despite them being relatively near.

Probably more warped space nonsense.

“...I wonder if I could reach any of these? Like… if I could fly, maybe?” I mused.

Flight sounded both exciting and terrifying. Not having to worry about falling to my death was cool, but like… what if it suddenly stopped working or something?

Jeofffff: going out of bounds?

GonguuH: it would probably teleport you back

“Mmm, yeah. Probably… Or maybe it would lead to another secret chest.”

I had no idea why I kept thinking about different ways I could get more secret chests when getting the last one had nearly killed me.

Probably the loot. Yeah, the loot had been great.

I kept getting in life or death situations all the time anyway, so why did I care about danger so much? Not like any of this was real. Not like the real me would die if I died, right? Heck, even if this was real, since I’d been born from a phoenix egg, maybe I was immortal and would just respawn after dying?

And even if not, there was no way I could survive in this world for very long, was there? With nobody around, and dungeons always trying to kill me, it would only take one tiny slipup before I died and it all ended.

So might as well go all out before that happened. Go with whatever crazy ideas might pop into my head.

“...Anywho. I’m guessing these waterslides are the key to everything, then?” I summarized, seeing as there were no other ways I could go, other than back down.

I stopped leaning on the railing and walked to the waterslides, setting my trembling feet one in front of the other, pretending that I was totally cool being this far up.

Anyway, the water slides. There were three of them. One of them was a long flat slide with a gentle incline, clearly meant for children, one was a spiraling chute, and the last one was a very steep – nearly vertical – drop straight down into the pool.

I blinked as I looked between the first and the last one – hands gripping the railing once more. The height difference between them was more than clear, yet their landing spots were at the same elevation. Likewise, both their entrances were right by each other.

I hummed, ignoring the blatant violation of space.

“Which one, chat?” I asked, forcing myself to look at the landing spots, trying to figure out which pools could have real water in them, and which of them were traps.

Or maybe I would get teleported once I reached the bottom. Who knew?

Jeofffff: poll it?

I hummed again and quickly set up the poll before sitting down in the middle of the walkway, far away from the railings and waiting for the votes to come in.

I glanced around once more, suspicious of the fact that no monsters had tried attacking me up here so far. It felt like a calm before the storm and I didn’t like it one bit.

Well, whatever. Not like any of this was real–

I forcefully shook my head.

This whole thing was really screwing with my head.

Was chat real? Was I real? How long could I keep acting like nothing was wrong in this clusterfuck of a–

“Okay! Poll results! What do we have here… Hmm…”

Poll: ‘Which way are we slidin’?’

Flat kiddy slide: 17.59% (6789)

Spiral chute slide: 39.44%(15221)

Suicide drop slide: 42.96% (16578)

Close poll

“...Yeah, I don’t know what I expected, you guys. Of course you would go with the most extreme option.”

I shook my head in disgust, ignoring the crazy number of votes. Then I walked to the hyper steep slide, grit my teeth, and briefly imagined myself sliding down it.

Why the hell did I poll this?

“...You know what, maybe I should start with the kiddy one first…”

GeorgeDoshington: do it you chicken

Jeofffff: maybe they lead to different loot

Jeofffff: kiddy one leads to crap loot

I huffed in annoyance.

“I’m having this sense of deja vu, chat. This feels exactly like when Jamie made me go to the first locker. Are you trying to get me killed?”

Even though I said that, I was already sliding my naginata into my backpack – because I didn’t wanna lose it on my way down – and glaring down the slide.

“...Are we sure that there’s no other path I could take?” I grumbled, making a point to look around.

GeorgeDoshington: do iiiiiiiiiit

“Ugh, fine! If I die, everyone blame George!”

Before I could double-guess myself, I stepped forward, sat down at the edge, grabbed the handrail just above the suicide slide, took a deep breath…

… and let myself slide down.